AIBU to dislike the whole PFB syndrome espoused on mumsnet?

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It pops up again and again and I think it is a load of old codswallop. It irks me.

Is only your PFB precious?

Is it used as some kind of badge of honour for those who have more than one baby? Oh - she is being PFB?

I know I have been a bit PFBish, though not to the same degree as my friends (I was 12 when my youngest sister was born and 14 with my brother, so at times felt like a much-maligned teen mum [which is idiotic in hindsight] but have loads of experience with babies) DH is much more PFB than I.

It does make me sad to see the term 'PFB' brandished as a weapon on some threads where a neurotic OTT first-time parent comes and asks for advice and is told they are being PFB, because that doesn't help them resolve a situation. They don't see anyone privately laughing and recalling their own PFB, just a bunch of internet posters dismissing their concerns with "oh, PFB mummy" rather than giving them suggestions or even relaying stories of the posters' own PFB moments. The knowledge that one is being overly precious and neurotic does not really help a first-time mum who is desperate and feeling like she is unable to cope, it just increases those feelings (and fear of failure "what's wrong with me?" "what does everyone else know that I don't?" "how is every other mum able to handle this but not me?" etc).

That may be where the perception that it's a negative term is coming from.

I do think its used as a rather condescending term sometimes, but I have to say, as slightly negative tenmrs go, I just can't take it that seriously!

In fact, I delight in being a totally PFB mum! I totally embrace the fact I am being precious, and unashamedly love being able to be.

Being a mum is the most amazing, fabulous, exhilarating, heart rending, beautiful, scary and precious thing I have ever experienced. Its a leap into the unknown, and its a joy beyond all imagining, its a gift and an honour, and I am reveling in all its glory. Its brilliant being a first time mum, warts and all, and although if I am ever lucky enough to have a second, I know my attitude will be very different, thats just cos it will be different, not better, I think being hyper involved about everything is a great thing to be right now, and is something to be celebrated, and treasured.

So, yes, you'll catch me worrying about insignificant details, being able to discuss knowledgeably the intricacies and trivialities of nappies, and feeding, and recite exactly how long he's slept, and when, and measure every ml of expressed milk, and woe betides anyone who suggests its ok to let my darling cry [glares at exercise class teacher grrrrrrr].

I think its amazing, when was the last time I did something so new, so worthwhile, so totally not about me, but also really self indulgent? when was the last time I felt so alive, so productive, so involved with every moment? Even if its folding up his little clothes and sniffing the non bio smell! Or only getting the mobile that was made by psychologists, or earnestly discussing completely irrelevant things that seem vital at the moment. Its fab to be PFB, and I'm going to remember these stupid obsessed moments forever

the only bit thats wearing a bit thin is the sleeplessness, which is kind of self imposed as I keep waking up to check he's still breathing, even though I know its irrational... and then I can;t go back to sleep cos I don;t want to miss a minute of him...

so go on, call me/my DS a PFB, please, pretty please?! I'll not only admit it, I'll give you a big kiss for saying it before thrusting my miracle DS under your nose for appreciation and adoration!

Of course first time mums are precious.

WHat I don't understand is why that's considered a bad thing

They've just discovered the love of their life, they'r unsure of their footing and are getting their bearings.
Why on earth should they be mocked??

A consultant paediatrician to weigh and measure a healthy baby?

Hasn't he/she got better things to do? Like his/her proper job?

I loath sweeping generalisations on principle and this more than anything else. Some people are precious about their children regardless of quantity or position of child.

ThesePeopleNeedToChillTiggaxx

I think that generally, when people say PFB syndrome, they are referring to particular behaviours, rather than particular people.

They are mocked because people know that it a few years they will look back at themselves and laugh! Like when my mother took me off to the doctor as a baby because I 'was feverish'-the doctor suggested that I needed a few less clothes and blankets! There have been threads on here where people have confided their worst PFB moments and they have been really funny. At the time they didn't see them as that, but on hindsight they find them hilarious!

asisiesusie fantastic post!! sums up to wonder and madness of first time motherhood perfectly

Personally I think when people start shouting pfb it says more about them and their own experiences than it does about their 'target'. I have yet to meet a mum who HASN'T had a pfb moment (generally many...every day ).

Really I see it as code for 'you're over-thinking this, relax and go with the flow a bit'. Something I needed reminding of many many times each day when ds1 was small. Having ds2 was such a different, and in many ways better, experience than with ds1 and I yearn to go back and parent ds1 the way I was able to ds2.

Being precious about our kids is, when all is said and done, our fundamental jobs. We should be their biggest advocate/fan/shepherd/protector etc etc. BUT we do need to strive to be realistic and allow our pbs to see and experience the world in all its glory as they grow to prepare them to handle and cope with the good, the bad and the ugly that is life. That is also one of the most important gifts we can give our kids imho.

Seeker - Lots of cons paed have private patients in addition to their NHS ones (had baby at the Portland, all work privately here). It's not just the weighing and measuring, it's the expertise I can have on demand. I want someone very able to oversee the development of my child. Like Harimo, I have a wonderful one and I value his input (our chicken pox vaccine would not have been possible without him). When you are pregnant, you get a wonderful level of expertise and handholding, why not for the baby/toddler later on (if you want if)?

arabicabean - unless you have reason to be concerned about your child's development, I am afraid that you have just re-defined PFB for me!

With dc1 you're on first name terms with the doctor's receptionist. Dh took dc1 to A&E when he couldn't find a screw to a cabinet handle and therefore ds must have eaten it. Dc2 has seen the GP at the 6 week check and at 4 when he whipped out a lancet to take a lump off her foot.

I love pfb-ness

I remember DD1 rolling off the bed at 5 months, i was hysterical running into OH "baby roll off bed" i could hardly speak, i googled baby rolling off the bed as i was worried she could have suffered some serious damage - OMG I am so embarrassed now.

DD2 - well she has had all manner of bumps and knocks from DD1 and survived. I don't love her any less but am much more relaxed about what really matters.

My boss made me laugh when I was expecting DD1, he told me as he and his wife left the hospital with their first DC the midwife said to them as they were leaving "they are programmed to live you know".

Of course it exists and I really dont think it is a mocking thing - although I get uncomfy with it when the parent is clearly very anxious - then I dont think its appropriate as people can have all sorts of very good reasons for anxiety.

I look back and cringe about some of my behaviour and attitudes with ds - especially the food and the routine. Though not the other things like the bf - which the ILs thought I was very precious about, and I was and am.

The replacing the mattress every time the baby was sick thing made my jaw drop though.

"arabicabean - Yes, you take the prize for PFB-ness"

And I thought I had with my chocolate cake/malteeser post, but I know when I'm beaten!

I was terrified of DS1, I worried about everything.
None of our friends had babies, the only members od DHs family to have babies were miles away (and I would not take their advice on how to grow a plant let alone raise a child) I was not on line then and mumsnet did not exist so I just learnt from my mistakes and picked it up as I went along.

DS2 arrived in to the world 4 years later, he was in SCBU he had drips and tubes but I was never scared of changing him, or any of the things I had been with DS1, I had become a parent.

I think the term PFB is a put down on here and when I see it I always imagine it being said in a very smarmy way.

I think first born children are quite unlucky as they are the ones we practice on, any after that get a much better ride.

Love and kisses, Runaway...a PFB

I never did the PFB thing, either.
I was super-lax mom from the start.
I almost feel like a freak when I read about the PFB thing on MN (seems very common).

I don't think PFB is a put down - it's more "Oh bless......!". Maybe a bit patronizing, but also ruefully knowing - most of us have been there!

I agree with seeker and pagwatch

I wouldn't use that term on here as it can sound a bit patronising, but as a concept - I think it absolutely exsits for lots of people (and I was one of them)

oh and I agree with marenj - when people are posting for advice (specially on Parenting or Beh/Dev), all that is required is to give advice, not to label, but then I see the label used more on AIBU anyway

I use the term on here and in RL, it's a fun little dig. WE've all been there and unless said with a negative tone I mean it nicely.

posie - I think we need new emoticons to denote [negative tone] and [patronising] and [outright hostile]

I was different with my first than my second. So much so that I am concerned at the level of care the third will receive....

there is a pfb syndrome and lots if not all of us get it. You only recognise it when you are out the other side

I definately had PFC...When I went out in the evening leaving DS1 with my mum I left an A4 sheet of instructions (when to give him his milk, how much , what books he liked etc etc), the address of the resturant and phone number etc etc...I went out last night leaving both boys with mum and forgot my mobile, and also forgot to tell my mum where I was going!

Both boys are soo precious to me, I adore them both and personally I prefer the slightly slacker approach I have with my PSC..

I think the term is affectionate and knowing and most people have suffered from it!