Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit irritated that people keep telling me "this is the easy bit"?

92 replies

SirBoobAlot · 19/06/2010 00:27

DS is 7 months old. He has colic and reflux. I have various health conditions that make daily life that bit more difficult. He is currently at a very clingy phase, and is still waking three times a night for milk. I am exhausted and a bit fed up, to be honest, which I know goes with the territory, and even with all of this I am happier than I have ever been. But everyone has shit weeks right? This is one of mine

But its really getting on my tits hearing from everyone "Oh, this is the easy bit! Just you wait for X / Y / Z!". Well, actually, I'm not finding it easy, I'm finding it bloody hard work. So thank you ever so much for that confidence boost It seems that people (generally) don't only revel in telling birth horror stories, but also parenting ones. Yes I know it will be difficult when he starts crawling / walking / getting into everything / talking / having tantrums / etc but is it really necessary to tell me so?!

OP posts:
CarGirl · 19/06/2010 13:54

I have 4 dc, when dc3 had (undiagnosed) silent reflux and screamed most of her waking time and only slept for 7/8 hours out of 24 that was the worst bit EVER out of all of it.

It nearly sent me over the edge, so YANBU reflux and colic are the worst, you work your butt off and they are still miserable!

musicposy · 19/06/2010 14:04

My eldest is 14 and she was definitely hardest as a baby. We get the odd strop, but she can do everything for herself now, and make me a cup of tea into the bargain!

Once they get to school age they are generally nice for years. And even teenagers are much, much better than people told me. You have lots to look forward to, so don't let people tell you otherwise!

nooka · 19/06/2010 18:00

When I went back to work after dd I shared an office with three much older ladies who had teenagers/almost adults, and we had an interesting debate about whether it was worse to be woken in the night by a baby or wait up for a teenager to come home after being on the razzle. I think the consensus was that waiting up was stressful in a different way.

qwertpoiuy · 19/06/2010 18:49

OP, I can hear you loud and clear. Why do people try and diminish your confidence in parenting!!!

I vividly recall being at my SIL's wedding when DS was 2 and DD1 4mo. I didn't enjoy the day as DD1 was teething and very cranky, and DS was wild and kept running off - i spent the day chasing him with DD1 in my arms. I couldn't relax for one second in case he'd go missing and it was hell. I was briefly talking to a wedding guest, who decided to tell me in a sarcastic tone "Believe me, you have it easy now. Wait until they get older, it will be much much harder" - I ran off in tears! And she was saying this while sitting down relaxing with a glass of wine - how was she having it harder than me?

Those same children are older now, and I am happy to say they are great - with little ups and downs, of course. I have to say it is much easier.

Spacehopper5 · 19/06/2010 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Mumcentreplus · 19/06/2010 19:07

You are taking the comments too personally imo...some things/times are actually easier!...when you are in it ...it feels like hell on earth...but when you look back..it's not so bad..I've had and made similar comments myself...I tend to say enjoy them while they are young, these are the good-times but I feel your pain etc..and I remind myself too..because you spend so much time stressing you forget to enjoy your time with them...

Downdog · 19/06/2010 19:19

YANBU

What makes me laugh is there is a big learning curve & then just when I feel like I've got it all sorted, its ALL CHANGE, new challenges in, old stuff you've mastered now completely irrelevant

DD is 2.5 now & I've started to feel all clucky and wouldn't it be lovely to have a wee baby (I would never call myself particularly maternal), so sweet & they don't move much etc - there is certainly a large degree of selective amnesia involved with being a parent.

Downdog · 19/06/2010 19:19

YANBU

What makes me laugh is there is a big learning curve & then just when I feel like I've got it all sorted, its ALL CHANGE, new challenges in, old stuff you've mastered now completely irrelevant

DD is 2.5 now & I've started to feel all clucky and wouldn't it be lovely to have a wee baby (I would never call myself particularly maternal), so sweet & they don't move much etc - there is certainly a large degree of selective amnesia involved with being a parent.

ssd · 19/06/2010 19:19

op, agree with you

I have a "friend" who constantly tells me how my next stage will be the hardest......and has been saying this for YEARS

this from a woman who has her mother there at her beck and call to help her out, whilst my mum is in a wheelchair and I have no family support....

rise above it, rise above it.....

Original poster
SirBoobAlot · 19/06/2010 20:32

Am glad to hear am not the only one that finds babies boring at times I am enjoying DS more as he gets older. But I don't think any of it will be "easy" - easier, maybe! I'll let you know when I find that bit

OP posts:
poppy34 · 19/06/2010 20:46

Yanbu- i hated this too(had friend who did the whole it's the end of life as you know it bit when waiting to have dd then the only got worse bit- luckily ahe said this by phone/ text or would have decked her).

And agree that once start sleeping you can deal with things much better - Also think that time gives you more confidence to deal with stuff rather than obsessing about everything which is made worse as they can't communicate.

And had my dd and 18 year old stepson in house at same time- both caused similar levels of worry but was more a passive one with stepson as there is very little you can do as they have to make their own choices.

cheerfulvicky · 19/06/2010 21:08

Spacehopper, thanks so much for your post. It made me want to cry. DS is 22 months and things are slowly getting easier but it is still so difficult a lot of the time. Though WAY better than the first year, which was sheer hell. I may have had PND though, which didn't help.

I feel like laughing hysterically at the thought of having any more children, but I do occasionally get broody before the reality intrudes, and I suppose one day I might block out the memories enough to actually have one more. Maybe.

Or maybe not... I love DS so much but I don't do lack of sleep. I was planning to home educate him but at this rate, he will be trotting off to school with all the other little darlings

MrsTittleMouse · 19/06/2010 21:16

YANBU.

It does get easier. My DD1 is going through a stage where the slightest deviation from her constantly changing ideal is met by sitting on the floor and screaming. Preferably on the pavement outside our house where all the neighbours can see and hear her. But it is nothing compared to the first year.

Perhaps people who say that have easier babies who slept through the night by 6 months?

Tras · 19/06/2010 21:16

If its any consolation, my DS and DD had both reflux and colic and I found the whole experience the most stressful than any events in my life. Life with my DS definitely got easier as he grew and he is now 3. I loved the crawling, walking etc. He was into everything but at least you are not worried about them hurting and not being able to do anything to help them. DD is now 10months and her reflux settled at 8 months. She still has projectile vomit occasionally but nothing like before. Hang in there, it does get EASIER not harder! DD is currently in a body cast for a dislocated hip and I still find life easier now that the reflux has settled. Those people definitely did not have babies with colic and reflux. I dont think anyone really knows what its like unless they have experienced it. Big hugs ((()))

Original poster
SirBoobAlot · 19/06/2010 21:19

How are you, darling?! Aside from sleep deprived

OP posts:
Spacehopper5 · 19/06/2010 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cheerfulvicky · 19/06/2010 22:02

Spacehopper, I totally agree. And it's really socially unacceptable to reminisce about pre-children times: once you have kids, whether planned or not, you are supposed to transform into a maternal bundle of endless patience, selflessness and innate tenderness, happy to read the same story 200 times in a row or get up every hour in the night again and again. Why?! No other job or pursuit on earth is like that, the only thing akin to it is torture. Why are people expected to rave about all this, and frowned on when they express some dissatisfaction with it all?
And yet mixed in with all the crap is this tremendous love and joy, so you can't even dismiss it as all bad, because it's still worthwhile but just HARD. Gahh!

Okay, I obviously needed to get that out! Haha. I've just spent 2 weeks camping with hippies who are all mother earth and 'being a parent is the pinnacle of life' etc etc. Although it was good to be told that looking after a toddler is a full time job and very hard work. That was about as scathing they got Ho hum.

qwertpoiuy · 19/06/2010 22:09

Spacehopper, great posts. I asked Mumsnet HQ to consider having a "Thanks" function you could just click on to acknowledge a great post, but it hasn't happened!

Hassled · 19/06/2010 22:15

There are loads and loads and loads of difficult phases, but with my oldest at the ripe old age of nearly 23, I can reassure the OP that in the last 23 years I have never been quite as exhausted and desperate and hysterical as I was in DC1's first year.

Original poster
SirBoobAlot · 19/06/2010 22:21

Spacehopper, I think I love you! I love DS, but yes; sometimes, I really do (not hate, maybe) dislike with a passion this parenting lark. Makes me feel very cruel but its true. On ocassion I'd quite like to think, "Actually, today, I am going to stay in bed, watch crap on TV, eat junk food and do sweet F.A." and the fact I can't grates me, especially if I'm feeling rubbish. DS makes me smile so much, he really is lovely. But sometimes... Ugh. Sorry.

OP posts:
Spacehopper5 · 19/06/2010 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nooka · 19/06/2010 22:41

I think that a lot of it is about the person you are yourself. I really value my own space, need to be intellectually stimulated and am very very cranky on little sleep. So not good early motherhood material. I hated that dd wanted to be held and carried and jiggled all the time otherwise she would scream (and scream and scream), so for me her early babyhood was pretty hellish. ds is by nature probably much more like me, independent from a very early age, knew what he wanted and wanted it now, and was very easy to read. So although I got bored with him, I never felt desperate.

My solution was to find someone who loved babies to look after them and go back to work. We were all much happier. Our nanny loved playing with the children, they loved spending time with her and I had enough space at work to enjoy the when I got home (although I did look forward to Mondays for quite a while).

Many (but not all) fathers feel this way, I don't understand why it is considered so unnatural for women not to adore babies. dh and I agreed that although we'd like a larger family in theory we'd never have babies again. It was horribly stressful, and really not much fun. Yes there were moments which were lovely, but those have just increased as the children have got older, and we have adventures together and fabulous conversations.

So don't feel bad when your reaction to the well meaning "they are only young once" and "you'll never get this time again" is at best a heartfelt "Thank goodness". Chances are you won't be looking back wistfully as your children grow older, but enjoying them all the more.

blueshoes · 19/06/2010 22:45

Thank you nooka, that is a lovely post. I identify with a lot of what you said.

pointydog · 19/06/2010 22:45

This is not the easy bit. This is the hard bit. It gradually gets better. Ignore the berks

Snobear4000 · 19/06/2010 22:56

YANBU. The first year was the worst year of my life. The sudden isolation from friends, the collapse of my IQ, the inability to keep in regular contact with family and friends (hard to talk on the phone with all that crying and all the bottles to sterilise). The constant stink of shit.

One day, after a mostly sleepless night, and three aborted attempts to leave the house, I finally made it to the nearby farmer's market to buy some food, DS in a pouch on my chest. Enter one batty old crow who proceeds to bleat at me, "don't you just wish they could stay this age forever?". I did not know what to say. I just stared at her for a while until I heard the words "Are you fucking mad?" come from my own mouth.

Spacehopper... I could not agree with you more regarding the insensitivity of smuggy multi-child mothers who think nothing of telling (not asking) me, "You must have another child". How dare you presume to instruct me about my family planning decisions? The arrogance of it.

And to think the hurt such statements could unintentionally deliver if the reason there is only one child is a medical one. Or a divorce. Or whatever.

There are not enough people out there honestly telling it like it is, about how raising a baby can really be hell on earth for some people. Thank goodness we have the wonderful comedian Louis CK to bravely let off steam about his kids. People with Spacehopper's POV may find it a kind of therapy:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcnXpOygKGI