Women shouldn't be criticised for wanting to be a mum regardless of circumstances?

[poshsinglemum]

If that's what she wishes or if that's what she is able to do.

I am sick and fed up with reading things that if couples (or singles) can't afford children etc they shouldn't have them. If women are too young or old that's also wrong.Also if you dare to have too many (or indeed too few) children that also set tongues wagging.
People are so hung up on money.

So basically the only women who are entitled to breed are rich women with loving husbands. And then they have to do it age 29.5 and are only allowed 2 children; preferably a boy and a girl! Daddy has to be a doctor or lawyer and of course, doting.

IMO having dd was a deep biological need and nothing to do with logic at all. I think that most women have similar needs but havn't met the right person or something like that. Or they wait until everything is perfect and then it is too late. Us mums need to be celebrated regardless of our circumstances.

Mabe it's a male thing to make sure that only the ''strongest'' give them offspring?

I don't think YABU, but there are, obviously, limits. I think if you're going to have children, realistically you should aim to wait until you're at least 18 - accidents aside. We all know they happen, even to the most carful people.

I do agree that there's a lot of hate out there to single parents, or people who have children whilst on benefits, and in most cases it's completely unjustified. The people who have children as fashion accesories or to get council houses are in a tiny, tiny minority, so blanket statements about who should or shouldn't concieve are at best misjudged, and at worst utterly vindictive.

YANBU apart from when it comes to the Karen Matthews of the world...

Is it not more important to try to make sure you are in a reasonable position to give your child a good life rather than just indulging your deep biological need?

Obv sometimes life deals people a bum hand and maybe there is no good time to have kids - lack of decent partner/age etc. But surely it's the potential child that should come first, not your desire?

There is a difference between not getting what you want when you want it and not being entitled to it at all. Of course anyone should be entitled to breed but often if you get something you want, against the logical decision of having it or not, you face criticism (lots of people want to eat too much, want to have an affair - both biological needs), you weigh the degree of want against the outcomes and how they affect other people (esp the child) as well.

I don't think the broodiness and biological longing should necessarily override all other arguments, especially not having met the right man, as (unless using donor) that is unfair on the "wrong" man. I also don't think you should imply that the want is somehow lessened if you also wanted a particular set up to bring children into as well as wanting them.

As for the correct numbers, ages etc of course YANBU but given that most of the comments you are reading (on here, I'm assuming, might be wrong) are by women - the last comment drags your whole argument down. Following your logic that wanting kids is biological and therefore always ok, then that would be the male side of the coin and be just as acceptable - but it seems to be thrown in to blame men for the other points.

A deep biological need can't actually feed and clothe your children though can it.

A deep biological need doesn't help the child of a 60 yr old woman who is motherless by the time he/she is 10.

There is nothing wrong with expecting/asking people to have a sense of responsibility and consequence in my opinion. That is not saying you shouldn't have children, it is asking people to have a think about it first.

I had my dd as a single parent, I had a low income job but I knew that as I progressed this would end being a very well paid job and that I would be able to provide for dd in the future even if I remained single.
I thought about my decision, I think that is a sensible thing to do.

there are happy loving families all over the world that yet have got absolutely nothing. there are more important things to a child than possessions and money, like being there for your children, teaching them right from wrong, having fun with them, and bringing them up in a loving environment - being well off cannot buy these things.

the 'if you can't afford them don't have them' argument really annoys me and i think it is a very narrow minded attitude. life is not so black and white as that.

having a child isn't something that you should do without considering other factors.

When you decide to have children it's not just about what you want but it then becomes about what is best for the child.

We all have to take responsibility for our own actions, and that includes taking responsibility for whether it is the right time to have children.

If your twelve year old daughter suddenly had the biological need to have a baby would you say that was her right? Equally if when you reached 60 would you say that was your right? Or if you were declared bankrupt and living on benefits, unable to care for the children you already had?

You can want children, but it doesn't mean that you're right to have them.

I don't think YABU at all. I was told the other day by a friend of mine that I should not even be thinking of having another child because I'm on antidepressents and "won't be able to cope with giving birth". I have suffered with depression on and off for half of my life and already have a seven year old daughter. I have a very supportive husband but this woman made me feel absolutly awful for wanting another baby.A

I am not sure i can totally agree children are not some sort of plaything which you can sideline if you get bored with them. People need to be responsible and have children with the thought of their child as well. A woman who is 65 yrs old having a child then is too old imho because it is very likely she will not be around in the years her child would need her most.

Also if a person cannot afford a child then the child being born will undoubtedly be born into poverty.

Just because you can do something does not mean it is the right thing so yes i think they can have a child if they want but i think that people should at least have the thought of the child when they do so.

If the human race relied upon reprducers to be the right age/relationship status/money etc then we would have died out.

The truth is that the well-off married 30-somethings dont have enough children so as a society we need the 'undesirables' to have children to sustain our economy/society.

yanbu

andrea that is awful, how rude of that person

i think what is more inportant than age/finances/marital status is that you give teh decision to have a child the respect and effort it and the child deserves. yes accidents happen (i know) but if it is a case of choosing to have a baby then you do have to take into account the kind of lifestyle you want your baby and your family to have, if that means waiting a few years til finances are better or perhaps your relationship is more solid then maybe it is worth waiting. but then again i also am very aware that there are no guarantees in this life and your very loving stable partner could up and leave after you have a baby. it is all about providing a good enough standard of living for any child you have and above all, making sure they know thay are wanted and loved.

parents shouldn't be criticised for having a child

parents can be criticised for expecting other people to pay for their child's upkeep because they can't afford to pay for it themselves

YANBU I agree with you if you are able to have a child why shouldn't you and if you can't why shouldn't you get help to have one, plus if you are over 60 and pay for IVF it's no one business but yours.

It's not your fault if you are poor it's the government for setting the NMW so low that you need extra help in the form of benefits for rent and to bring up children so why should a poor person be made to feel guilty.

Also whats wrong with teenage mums? clearly there is nothing unnatural about it so why all the hate just because the life expectancy in this country has gone up people are expected to have kids later in life.

They endlessly moan on TV about our aging population and how there will not be enough people working to pay for them all, I say more breeding less immigration.

Procreation is what we do, isn't it? Of course it's natural to want children. But it isn't an absolute right.

What is best for the potential lives you are bring into this world - how you will look after them, whether you are able to take full responsibility for them etc - must be weighed up.

There do seem to be some people that give absolutely no thought to how they are going to do this. I am not a benefits-basher, by any means. But I do think people who keep on procreating despite not being able to stand on their own two feet financially or otherwise are acting irresponsibly, I'm afraid.

I do also have a problem with women in their 50s and 60s seeking IVF and demanding their 'right as women' to give birth to a child. It does seem quite wrong.

Fifty- and sixty-year-old women having IVF are so few that they're statistically irrelevant.

But of course you aren't entitled to have more children than you can afford to support. Why should the rest of us pick up the tab for someone's "deep biological longing" to have 10 kids?

Nobody is saying you must be rich to have children, but it's certainly not unreasonable to think about whether you can cover the basics.

My father wanted me aborted, as 31 year old from a council estate I'd like to say to all those saying you shouldn't bring a child into this world until you have money and a nice home, ask yourself one question.

which would you prefer: to be born to a homeless person and brought up in a tent or to never exist at all?.

A happy childhood does not have a price tag on it.

My Dear Aunt had 7 children in the space of 11 years. They were all loved and well-fed, though they lived in squalor and their father spent his evenings in the pub so she brought them up alone. She had little money and depended on hand-me-down clothes, but she got by.
My mother and her sisters used to help her out all they could. Every time dear Aunt became pregnant, she got grilled by people in the town we live in "Why are you pregnant again when you have so many children", "Are you sure you can look after them". Even my mother got asked intrusive questions about my aunt.

Fast forward 25 years- every one of her children has degrees (though sadly one was killed in a car accident), all work in good jobs, live in nice clean houses and are lovely lovely people that you can call into anytime esp in a crisis! Her husband has stopped going to the pub and they are actually a loving, united couple - something we were never aware of before!

My aunt actually says now how she resents when she was asked those questions - she felt like saying "OK I'm pregnant, I don't see why it bothers you but i'm not asking you to rear it!"

If my aunt had followed society's orders, she wouldn't have her lovely family, and I wouldn't have so many lovely cousins!

YABU. All women have some sort of right to have babies regardless of circumstances?

If they literally can't feed them or house them? If they can't look after them at all? If they are junkies or psychopaths?

Really?

Isn't that just a teeny bit selfish?

Ryoko 'a happy childhood does not have a price tag on it' - couldn't have put it better myself!

qwertpoiuy - your Dear Aunt proves my point! of course we have to take responsibilty for our actions, but it is possible to bring up a happy loving family without having a big pay packet! of course it means making sacrifices but we all make our own choices in life about what is most important to us.

obviously i mean within reason, i don't think it would be the best choice if you are actually living on the street, but there are plenty of people who can offer a wonderful childhood to their offspring but people might say they haven't enough money, big enough house etc on paper

We waited. Most of my friends have waited/are still waited. Whilst I agree that there is no such thing as the perfect time (we could always have more money etc) we would never have started trying without knowing we could support our children both financially (you don't have to be rich by any means, just fairly stable) and emotionally. I'm 34 wks with number 1 at the moment and it still seems like the adult thing to do. Purely abiding by animal instinct seems very purile and basic.

I have a deep biological need to fuck your husband. But that's ok isn't it, because it's a biological need.

Can you send me your address?