to think my neighbour is an nasty piece of work

[Lpsmum]

I have an 18 month old who is finding his confidence on his feet and is naturally inquisitive and likes exploring etc. We live on a newish estate and in this sunny weather DS loves nothing more than taking me/hubby for a walk. Yesterday after inspecting a neighbours driveway (not causing any trouble, no car there, didn't touch anything) the miserable lady came out to DH and DS to ask what they were doing and not to come back onto their property again. Fair enough, I always try and divert DS anyway but DH agreed he'd steer clear too if it was a problem. Anyway 10 pm last night there's hammering on the door, woke me (pregnant and knackered) and DS and it's the miserable womans husband basically threatening us to stay of his proerty! WTF? Has he never heard of a polite word at a reasonable hour? He gets home from work at 6ish so why come at this time? We only live next door but one and explained to the woman that DS was just exploring. AIBU to still be fuming 24 hrs later at his rudeness?

Thing is, a postman is actually allowed to go into people's front gardens. I mean, how else would he deliver the letters?

I would open the door and politely ask you what were you doing and to go away now if you were in my front garden, frankly. I don't want people I don't know in my front garden, even if they are under two years old. I particularly don't want a bloke I don't know in my front garden, as your DH was with your son, wasn't he? Your neighbour is v unreasonable to come and yell at you but you are also v unreasonable not to keep your child off someone else's property. If I were you, I'd just tell them politely that it won't happen again and steer clear of them. And really really work on setting some clear boundaries for your child about where he can walk and where he can't. It is not reasonable to expect all adults to be as accommodating of your son's desires and wishes as you are.

They sound poisonous and barking!

The neighbour was OTT in his reaction but you are OTT in allowing your child to wander on other peoples property. To be honest if you arrived up my driveway I'd tell you to piss off big style! If you cant deal with his tantrums just now what the hell are you going to do when he gets older, oh thats right let him do what he wants

What a cow.

I am amazed that so many of you think it is unreasonable for a child to wander up and down a driveway - I presume the driveways are fairly 'open plan' without gates and brick walls etc. If someone wondered along my drive I would take the opportunity to go out and introduce myself and have a chat - where is your sense of neighbourliness and community spirit? I have just moved to an estate and its great to see people wondering around - we've just had a massive rainstorm and a few teenagers were sheltering under our tree - that's absolutely fine !

I don't think it's in the least unreasonable not to want people you don't know on your property. Why would you want them there? Someone sheltering under a tree from the rain is a slightly different scenario as then they have an actual reason to be trespassing (though I'd still be keen for them to bugger off). A small child wandering up and down the drive with an adult who I would hope is capable of saying 'no, that's not our garden' is a different matter.

My DD was similarly keen to explore other people's front gardens at this age and I always explained no, we don't live there, we have to wait until we are invited and she was fine with it. She's not a genius or anything. Sometimes we happened across someone who was gardening and who liked children and was happy to invite DD into the garden for a moment and she was delighted. But not all people like children, not all people want them in their gardens and not everyone is happy to have strangers on their property.

It's not at all unreasonable to expect strangers not to enter your property unless invited. I don't think it's anything to do with community spirit. I live in a v v friendly road and know our neighbours really well. I still wouldn't let DD wander into their gardens unless they specifically said it was all right. That's just polite, IMO.

He WBU in the way he reacted, but if your DH hadnt been U in his actions in the first place the gut would have had nothing to react against.

Perhaps the lasy didnt notice your son to start with and just saw some strange bloke wondering round her drive, it probably spooked her so she reacted, and at the sight of your son, was probably annoyed that this bloke saw fit to spook her for the sake of pandering to the child. just a thought.

I wouldnt want anyone in my garden uninvited either, its mine, you can see into my livingroon and kitchen, would you want anyone routing through your back garden? i doubt it, well why is that more precious? its not its all somebodys property which you had no right to access.

your toddler tantruming is your problem to deal with.

Some real miserable types on this thread!

Invite some nocturnal builders and get them to put up a 10ft fence with barbed wire and search lights around your lovely neighbours' house. That will keep them happy.

Both were in the wrong but they were worse.

Giving in to stop a tantrum is a slippery slope. You really don't want to go down it, especially with baby number 2 coming. Take advice from someone who gave in and is paying for it now.

People have a right to be undisturbed in their own homes and on their own properties. While many people are friendly and welcoming, it's still up to the person who's drive it is to say 'come and have a look round if you like.'

It;s still out of order to go round and shout about it later but OP you do need to teach your DS to respect other people's boundaries and sharpish.

Perhaps the lady didnt notice your son to start with and just saw some strange bloke wondering round her drive, it probably spooked her so she reacted, and at the sight of your son, was probably annoyed that this bloke saw fit to spook her for the sake of pandering to the child.

That was my thought, too. What age, roughly, is this couple?

Horton, wasn't there so can't be sure if she noticed DS but was obviously aware of him once DH pointed out that they were exploring. But I'd guess they are mid 50s.
I don't have an issue with keeping him off their land (and we did say that to the lady) so I'm not questioning that I was just still shaken up by his threatening behaviour

Hmmm, well Iused to have a gravel drive and all the local kids of all ages used to pick up the gravel, fling it around...they used the driveway opening as a football goal so their ball was constantly hitting the garage doors...it pissed me off. I even ended up replacing the gravel because of the nuisance, Jesus, that cost me a bit.

So on that basis I would not want someone's child walking up my drive and right up to my front door, possibly your neighbours have been victoms of things through the letter box in the past?

But they handled it badly. They were OTT in complaining.

I'd say put it behind you but be more strict about your child wandering up to other people's doors.

One woman across the way was assaulted once when she opened her front door and is very VERY nervous and defensive when anyone opens her gate.

DD had the tendency to wander up open drives, I was just very strict about it. You are technically trespassing and you may cause distress if the house owner is vulnerable, or agaraphobic for instance.

Like others have said he was way out of order to come round late and night and be agressive. Totally Unreasonable.

However, your husband told the 'miserable lady' that his son was just exploring right? The correct response would have been Im so sorry it wont happen again.

FWiw we live on a similar sounding estate, I have a toddler and he knows not to go on people's gardens / drives because he was always been taight that. Otherwise, when will you teach him? When he is 2 and you have a screaming baby too? when he is 3 and bigger and stronger and you cant restrain him so well?

Tbh Id be less pissed off about you being on my property and more judgy about your precious attitude. That sounds really harsh but I dont mean it to.

Excuse typos!

Well I'm hoping that by the time he's 3 he will have grown out of the game of walking up and down every path/driveway/steps....is that wishful thinking??

I just wondered if they were older people and possibly concerned/frightened about burglars etc. But mid 50s sounds relatively young. Still, if you've been burgled before or had a similar nasty experience you might well feel spooked if there was a strange man in your drive even if you were 30 or 25 or whatever. And subsequently noticing that he had a toddler with him might not have made you feel any better. I mean, burglars have kids too. Maybe they thought your DH was casing the joint?!

While all that probably sounds a bit nuts in some ways, I do think you can't know what experiences people have had in their lives and what they consider polite behaviour so it is really better to err on the side of caution if you want to be a considerate neighbour. In your shoes, I'd be a lot stricter with my DS in future and try to recognise that while you'd be happy to have any number of toddlers in your garden not everyone feels the same.

I would feel pretty pissed off if someone came into my front garden because they were exploring. Go and explore in the park, on the river bank, go to a wildlife reserve or a city farm, go to the swings, go to anywhere that isn't someone's private property. There are tons of places for a child to explore legitimately. Even a department store or the supermarket can be worthy of exploration. But don't let them bother other people. It's really not fair.

But it isn't someone they don't know wandering on their property, it is their neighbour and a little toddler, not some random person wandering up your path. Totally different situations and you can't compare the two. We had a similar situation with the old bat next door, who we have lived next to for 8 years (and always been very nice too), shouting at me because me toddler went up her path and was looking at her gnomes. Some people are just rude.

It doesn't matter if it's a neighbour.It's still appropriate to respect others' property.

The neighbour really overreacted though by going to the OP's door. It was dealt with at the time and that was all that was necessary.

oh my god, how depressing the number of people here who would tell a neighbour (if not in as many words) to sod off if their 18-month-old toddler was walking on their driveway. Who on earth in their right minds is so freakishly uptight about the space in front of their house that they would object to an 18-month-old walking up their path?! Not obviously if they've opened a 6-foot-high locked gate and wandered into the back garden, but seriously - a small child living next door? the paving in front of your house? I think that is seriously sad.

OP, you're not being unreasonable AT ALL - your neighbour is one of the many who seem to take the 'my home is my castle' to such crazy extremes as to obliterate all sense of kindness, reasonableness and community spirit. Though beyond that, what with the banging on the door at 10pm, he's obviously also unhinged! I'd keep well away and leave well enough alone. One day they might well have reason to call on your neighbourliness, and you can tell them then that kind of relationship only works if its reciprocal.