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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think he should offer to feed a pregnant lady?

154 replies

1pregheadpumpkin · 17/06/2010 19:38

DP is at work and im stuck in his dad's house and im really hungry as i last ate at midday. im ravenous and cant really go through his fridge for food as im a guest. but it doesnt look as if dinner is going to be cooked and i dont want to ask.

as im carrying his grandchild he should feed me yes?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 17/06/2010 21:23

maylee,this thread unfolded her op has no relation to the real issues.aint about rumble belly

deeper stuff
like money,need for reassurance and security
she had not she posted that at start.

her situation worrying is

Original poster
1pregheadpumpkin · 17/06/2010 21:25

thisisyesterday i live in sunny sleaford (its really not!) which is in lincolnshire. i check the job pages in the local paper everyweek and check online too often. there are a couple of jobs in cafe's and things but they're small and wont offer much more money than im on now.

OP posts:
Original poster
1pregheadpumpkin · 17/06/2010 21:27

fab idea er...saggyhairyarse (love name by the way, but typing it makes it sound like an insult to you!!) i've thought about just staying with someone temperarily so i can say i dont live with my parents. it would enable be to get income support and therefore be entitled to far more.

OP posts:
Morloth · 17/06/2010 21:28

But you sat for 7 hours without eating anything because you were too passive to sort it out.

It just sounds so weird.

Anyway, good luck.

scottishmummy · 17/06/2010 21:30

talk to hv,get benefits assessment,ask about young mum group

and good luck

Original poster
1pregheadpumpkin · 17/06/2010 21:32

salimali DPs mum is fabulous, emotionally she's a huge support, and would do anything to see us all safe even though its absolutley not her job. DPs dad is well meaning, but cannot offer much in the way of support. cannot possibly move in with him, no room for a start! my parets are odd really, mum is fine 5 days out of the 7 but then resents the pregnancy again, there's no consistency. i keep being offered support then having it taken away...
step dad hates DP so refuses to help

OP posts:
thatsnotmymonkey · 17/06/2010 21:32

Good on you woman, I am pleased to hear you are BFing!

Have you thought about doing some casual work in your locak area, babysitting, dog walking, cleaning, taking in some ironing? You could pop a couple of cards in your post office, local shops and see what comes up?

saggyhairyarse · 17/06/2010 21:33

Can no one remember what it was like when you were young, at someone elses house and even going for a wee seemed difficult for some reason???

I think you would need your parents to say you could no longer live with them rather than it being a choice you made, would your parents write a letter along those lines?

Original poster
1pregheadpumpkin · 17/06/2010 21:33

thanks morloth and scottishmummy. bye

OP posts:
Maylee · 17/06/2010 21:34

I agree Scottishmummy, the OP didn't say that she didn't have any money at the start (perhaps she was ashamed to say).

But others made assumptions that she did have money by suggesting that she order a takeaway / get her purse out etc.

There was also a rather pointed "why do you and your DP not live together?" question.

It just felt (from the perspective of someone reading the entire thread from beginning to end)that she was getting a bit flamed (from some posters, not all)for two reasons:

  1. That some posters did not consider her situation and instead made assumptions that she was a confident, middle class woman (when in fact she seems to be a shy, perhaps vulnerable even, working class young girl). Not everyone is the same.....
  1. That when her situation did become apparant, some of the questions and points that followed were a bit....well....judgemental.

I'm just saying that's how it came across (I'm fairly new to MN so trying to be objective!)

thatsnotmymonkey · 17/06/2010 21:37

whoa maylee! and you are not assuming at all with your "she seems a shy, perhaps vulnerable working class young girl"?

I think as pregpumpkin divulged more information the more helpful and attentive the other posters were.

scottishmummy · 17/06/2010 21:38

yes,you are probably right maylee.hope she ok.but as mum you need to learn to speak up for self and baby or else be trodden over

Maylee · 17/06/2010 21:42

Sorry thatsnotmymonkey, you are right. Think what I was trying to do is differentiate between the assumption that she could readily take out her purse and order a takeaway....and the apparant reality of her situation.

Not sure if that makes sense.....

thatsnotmymonkey · 17/06/2010 21:45

No, I know what you are saying, I just get a bit grrr with all the class chat. I hate that nonsense! Nevermind though,

Pregpumpkin, you still about?

EnglandAllenPoe · 17/06/2010 21:50

if your FIL is anything ike my Dad, he probably expects you to feed him (because, haha, you are female...)

so as others have said, ask if its ok to help yourself ...and then do unless they so no (which would seem unreasonable as you are a guest)

storminabuttercup · 17/06/2010 21:58

I'm a lurker in this section but have followed this thread and really feel for OP. Please do as the more helpful posters have said and get advice from CAB and HV. I really hope things work out. You sound like a sensible woman, maybe a lil shy but jeez I was worse at your age.
Maybe a word with your dp just to make sure if you are stayin you do get fed, which I know is no longer the point of this thread but you need to keep strength up for you and baby.
Goodluck sweetheart.x

booyhoo · 17/06/2010 21:58

cannot believe this thread. who sits for almost 8 hours without food because they dont want to offend their FIL? what the hell is he going to say, "no just sit there and starve." this is ridiculous. i hope you find some gumption before your baby comes along or it will be running rings round you.

ThatVikRinA22 · 17/06/2010 22:11

i cant believe this thread either but for completely different reasons. absolute fucking bitchfest for no good reason.

scottishmummy · 17/06/2010 22:15

bitchfest is lame and offensive phrase.actually vicar read the thread once it was apparent this was nowt to do wi dinner posts became v practical

but pragmatically is quite sad,wee thread

as mum you have to learn to speak up for self.for child

thatsnotmymonkey · 17/06/2010 22:17

vicar, who was being a bitch??

SaliMali1 · 17/06/2010 22:18

wow booyhoo that was a bit harsh, i remember a time when I was too scared to ask for anything at my DPs house now I dont care I have a rummage or they offer me food drink/the good biscuits he he...

The OP sounds like she is having a tough old time I don't think being so brutily frank will help her.

Sorry about the typos I am tired plus there is a bloody fly in my room zoooooming

Original poster
1pregheadpumpkin · 17/06/2010 22:23

hiya yeah just went for cuppa with DPs dad. had a chat etc.

anyway you've all been really helpful and will log back in tomorrow

OP posts:
thatsnotmymonkey · 17/06/2010 22:24

that sounds nice, night!

booyhoo · 17/06/2010 22:25

i dont get it, your DP lives there and you say you usually all just do your own thing. you weren't expecting FIL to be there? so i assume if he hadn't been there and DP was at work you would have had to feed yourself anyway, so what is the difference in doing it while FIL is there? surely he would expect you to help yourself. i imagine that is what you would have been doing if he wasn't there. and you say he had cuppa soups, problem solved.

slhilly · 17/06/2010 22:26

1pregheadpumpkin, I hope that you manage to get housing, income etc sorted out soon -- and of course food as well! BTW, I'd love to know what it is about asking for food that's considered rude? Is it in the spirit of "don't impose yourself on others"? I remember staying with an Israeli family once, who I didn't know at all, who thought I was rude for not just marching to their fridge and helping myself to grub without asking! (And they saw nothing rude in asking questions like "how much do you earn?" "are you rich?" "do you have a nice house?" "do you get on with your parents"). It's amazing how different these things can be.

Everyone else: I agree with VicarInaTuTu. I think people are not bothering to remind themselves of what is intended to be the spirit of AIBU. As it says at the top, disagree, but "[no] personal attacks no matter how unreasonable you think someone is".

In particular, I have a hard time reconciling these phrases made in an early comment with that commitment that we're all supposed to be signing up to:
"simpering unassertive jessie"
"unobtrusive and too ickle"
"wuss"
I've re-read the thread: prior to this comment, there were suggestions made as well as disagreement. After this comment, there were many further comments that were either outright attacks or bordered on the edge of being so.

What is the point? If the point was to encourage the OP to be more assertive, then what possessed people to think this would be the most successful approach?

And can we not just all abide by the rules, FGS, especially as this particular rule would make this particular board a lot nicer without making it one jot less interesting?