to to think DH shouldn't return from a stag 'weekend' and immediately walk in and start cleaning the kitchen whilst huffing

[overlysentimental]

DH has been away for 5 days with his mates, walked in at 8pm last night just as I was getting DCs to sleep. I had been at work all day.

I got a hug hello and the he immediately started tidying up (not his cases you understand) in a sighing 'where does this go' kind of way.

I became incandescent with rage whilst he just cleaned the sink claiming 'he wanted to get it over and done with so he could relax and eat his dinner).

He even marched into the living and found the only toy in their (a game DS had been playing before bath) and put that away.

No flowers, nothing. When I asked if he'd bought me a present he said he'd bought me a bottle of wine (one of the 6 he put in the cupboard)

So glad to have him bsck.

Little miss, so agree with this

'It's a male territory thing, like dogs having a pee up against the edge of the territory... scent marking.'

My dh does it and I am about the tidiest person going. I used to get pissed off but understand what it is now and inform him that for his first day at home, I don't stick around.
He gets to reorganise fridge/hoover/weed in peace and I enjoy being alone.

YANBU, I know exactly what you mean. It is silent criticism diguised as helpfulness, so even if you pull him up on the behaviour he could feign confusion and say he was only trying to help. It is something that absolutely enrages me.

It sounds like your husband was just tired, hungover and jaded. He was probably feeling a little bit defensive too because he expected that you'd probably be harbouring a little bit of resentment about him being away for so long on a jaunt. (I'd be resentful too, and probably a bit passive-aggressive, if my husband went away for so long on a booze-up). The best approach to this sort of resentment, I think, is to expect it from yourself and control your reactions. Try to be really warm and lovely (especially when they first walk in the door), and ask lots of questions and be genuinely interested in their week away. Then after he's settled back in and happy, state that you're going out tomorrow night and he'll on Dad-duty. And that you're looking forward to your breakfast in bed.
Really just try to be grateful he's home. All that is ver hard to do, but worth it for a happy home.
And FGS he's not abusive if he huffs and puffs occasionally - we all do that once in a while!

"'He then said I shouldn't be spending so much energy on these people and not helping him get something to eat.'

So he has spent time, energy and I am guessing a lot of cash, on 5 days away with his mates and he is begrudging you one evening with yours?"

Yes, that was my reaction too. But if he's now laughing at himself and agreeing to put in some relationship time, I think probably it was about feeling down at the mundanity of real life (which can happen, I suppose. I wouldn't actually know, not having ever thought it appropriate to go away for five days and leave my husband to care for two children).

He blew in like a hurricane, upset his wife with his ostentatious put down/ cleaning act, then made a public spectacle of himself, holding his child and throwing a tantrum in the supermarket (apparently occasioned by the fact that OS had plans for the following night) and only a few days later has he regained enough of his equilibrium to loosen up and laugh at the whole thing.

He was clearly worried that in his absence his family might have got in the habit of not having their lives and attention revolve around him, and this behaviour was his attempt to restore everyone's attention quickly to where it 'belongs'. This is not occasional huffing and puffing.

Nor is it worth returning to the 1950s for the sake of a happy home. Nobody has a duty to pander to the moods of an overgrown toddler suffering from a self-inflicted hangover and jadedness. This wasn't a long business trip, but a voluntary 5-day stag event he was on.

"Nor is it worth returning to the 1950s for the sake of a happy home. Nobody has a duty to pander to the moods of an overgrown toddler"

Well said.

thank you all, there is some good advice on here.

mathanxiety, you seem to describe the situation quite well, I think that's exactly what he was trying to do. He seems to want me feel guilty about hosting this thing tonight as some kind of diversion so he can not feel guilty about going away for the week.

He does very much like to be the centre of everyone's world and I think it irked him that we just bobbled along quite happily and I got to catch up with some friends (including some of his) in his absence.

But he's not abusive and he is not a terrible person. On the whole we have a very strong relationship. I am learning to pander to his tantrums and moods less and less and hopefully, like all toddlers, eventually he will get the message and grow out of them.

I am certainly not a 1950s housewife (or at least not a very good one)

Its sad that he comes back huffing and puffing. . .he should be calm relaxed and full of enthusiasm to help you having torn the arse andbeen away doing his own thing. Dont blame you !
Tell DP ANONYMOUSBIRD that toilet gets cleaned when HE Cleans it. . .sarcastic sod !! Plus, ungrateful man . . .not nice at all. If place is falling apart then he best pull his finger out and get on and mend stuff. . .how dare he. You have enough to do with kids care.

YYY Anonymousbird -- however, my exH (who sounds like your H's twin, btw) became apoplectic when I suggested he do some cleaning himself if he wasn't happy with the way things looked.

Sorry OP, I don't have time to read the whole thread but I don't think YABU at all.

My DH sometimes does a similar thing to me. On the whole, he's very good-natured about my sluttish attitude to housework but sometimes he will pointedly do the jobs I haven't done whilst looking pained.

Let them get on with it, I say.

Oh mine does this! It does my head in, but I can't exactly tell him to stop tidying up, can I?

The other night, he fancied making chinese food for his tea, so he rang and told me to make some rice. "Just boiled?" I said? Yep, so I went and put on the oven, boiled the kettle, rinsed the rice, put pan of boiling water on with rice in, DP comes in from work and first thing he says is "what on earth are you doing? That's not how I cook rice!" Then proceeded to huff and puff, cleaning up really obviously (he followed me round doing it) and saying things like "I know it is hard work at home, but really, can you just make a bit of effort, just a little bit, like I know you cleaned the bathroom last night, but you forgot to empty the bin, really that is something I would never forget"

GRRRRRRR!!!!!