to to think DH shouldn't return from a stag 'weekend' and immediately walk in and start cleaning the kitchen whilst huffing

[overlysentimental]

DH has been away for 5 days with his mates, walked in at 8pm last night just as I was getting DCs to sleep. I had been at work all day.

I got a hug hello and the he immediately started tidying up (not his cases you understand) in a sighing 'where does this go' kind of way.

I became incandescent with rage whilst he just cleaned the sink claiming 'he wanted to get it over and done with so he could relax and eat his dinner).

He even marched into the living and found the only toy in their (a game DS had been playing before bath) and put that away.

No flowers, nothing. When I asked if he'd bought me a present he said he'd bought me a bottle of wine (one of the 6 he put in the cupboard)

So glad to have him bsck.

I am failing to see how a 5 day break will change a snappy critical arse into someone full love and admiration.

It just DOES NOT HAPPEN.

My DS is away for 3 weeks.

Does that mean he may return looking like Brad Pitt (minus weirdy beardy)

DH not DS

A 8 year old Brad Pitt would be odd.

Wow, he's a control freak.
Why don't you arrange to go away for the weekend in a few weeks time? Leave him with the kids. It doesn't matter where you go. Fair's fair.

Bloody hell! I do exactly that when I get home quite often But that is because the house often will be a complete tip and I can't relax until it's a bit tidier. Especially when tired.

Enjoy the wine and the tidy kitchen

Oh dear. I see things have degenerated. He's sound odd.

Was he always a knob, OP, or is this another case of a selfish, sexist man only becoming noticably vile once the DC arrive? Because men like this are often OK as partners before you have a baby, because you don't realise that the relationship has fairly quickly slid into being all about the man and his moods and his whims, and all the time you are giving in to him ('because it would be silly to spoil the day/because I don't really mind seeing this film instead of that one/because maybe I am a bit untidy and scruffy and should do more housework').

I note that you actually felt a lot better and happier when he was out of the house - this is probably a big fat clue to what you need to do now.

jollster - no worries - tombliboob's post seemed a bit extreme to me, at first, but then I haven't experienced what she has. Often, people don't post until there's a head of steam built up of bad behaviour, as seems to be the case here.

overlysentimental - sorry to hear about this. Sounds like there's a lot more too it

to it (not too it)

overly - prior to the trip - have you tried to have a conversation about the relationship?

I dunno why they do this, after a period away, but my StepD is the same with my mum (drives her batty!) and DH is the same....

It's a male territory thing, like dogs having a pee up against the edge of the territory... scent marking.

yep, drives me batty as well...

The supermarket thing sounds crap. What I would have done last night was to go up to him, give him a big hug and say something like 'you really are so lovely, it's great how you clearly appreciate how much work it's been for me while you've been away'. Whilst trying hard to look like I genuinely mean't it.

'He then said I shouldn't be spending so much energy on these people and not helping him get something to eat.'

So he has spent time, energy and I am guessing a lot of cash, on 5 days away with his mates and he is begrudging you one evening with yours?

Wow. He sounds like quite the catch.

I am guilty of this too, but have explained to my DH that I do not really expect him to help me neither is it a criticism, but rather that I have OCD

The bit where he can't manage to carry four items and a child and then berates you for catering for friends rather than choosing his dinner for him is just priceless. He is a knob. He'll be expecting a shag tonight no doubt .

Is he like that all the time? If not, time to sit down and talk about what all the grumping is really about. If so, still time to sit down and talk about why all the grumping.

The supermarket thing does not sound good and 5 days away on a stag do is pushing the boundary a lot. However, coming home tidying and giving you a lie in does sound positive.

I wonder. Surely everyone here must have had the experience of coming back from a holiday and felt really down when the mundanity and pressures of life back home hits them?

Not an excuse but just a thought. A talk is definitley in order.

Shrieking Harpy - it's fairly easy to spot a sexist, selfish man who is borderline abusive and getting worse because they are all so similar. 'Working' on a relationship with a man who thinks that women are subhuman, service appliances, deserve constant belittling and should always put the man first, is a waste of effort, but such is the cultural pressure for women to endure this way of life in the name of 'romance' that many women put up with it for far longer than they should.

overly are you going to talk to him about all this then?

Beenbeta, I think you may have a point. I think he had a week away from his adult responsibilities and then had to come back home to them all.

Littlemisshissyfit, that almost makes sense

He has a few things on his mind at the moment which may explain his rather random behaviour.

I have spoken to him and although I still think his reasoning defies logic, we are at least now laughing at his supermarket outburst.

I have suggested that we try to arrange some things to do together which are actually fun. We both seem to have had a good time without each other but it would be nice to do some things together which were away from the monotony of life with 2 children.

Time to book a babysitter I think!

Good. Hope you can keep talking so he doesn't feel he needs to take his worries out on you and you can re-connect

Hmmm.

Man has a few stroppy outbursts.

obviously an abuser.

Shriekingharpy: I know there are lots of lovely, non-abusive men out there. Which is why it seems such a shame when women, all too often, keep putting up with the horrid ones because they 'love' them even when a horrid man is beating them frequently, stealing their money, constantly verbally abusing them etc.

However the OP's latest post does sound more hopeful - that H is laughing at himself for the supermarket tantrum.

OS: good luck. If he is generally OK and can get over himself then hopefully it will all work out well for you. But if he keeps on putting you down and sighing over the housework and making you feel that something's not quite right and it must be your fault, then maybe have a rethink.