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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to to think DH shouldn't return from a stag 'weekend' and immediately walk in and start cleaning the kitchen whilst huffing

86 replies

overlysentimental · 15/06/2010 06:12

DH has been away for 5 days with his mates, walked in at 8pm last night just as I was getting DCs to sleep. I had been at work all day.

I got a hug hello and the he immediately started tidying up (not his cases you understand) in a sighing 'where does this go' kind of way.

I became incandescent with rage whilst he just cleaned the sink claiming 'he wanted to get it over and done with so he could relax and eat his dinner).

He even marched into the living and found the only toy in their (a game DS had been playing before bath) and put that away.

No flowers, nothing. When I asked if he'd bought me a present he said he'd bought me a bottle of wine (one of the 6 he put in the cupboard)

So glad to have him bsck.

OP posts:

berries · 15/06/2010 08:09

YANBU, dh used to do this all the time, in a 'you can't do anything right' kind of way. He even used to restack the dishwasher when I'd done it!

He's now exH

MathsMadMummy · 15/06/2010 08:23

Sometimes it's possible to read too much into the huffing (not saying OP is doing this). My DH used to come home and immediately clean up a bit (he does more than his fair share around here!) and I'd get really paranoid that he was subtly having a go at me for the state of the house! But he was only trying to help - it was just my guilty conscience inferring the huffing IYSWIM!

I did talk to him about it though, and told him what it makes me feel like, and he now makes sure to sit down with us rather than getting straight on with stuff.

Downdog · 15/06/2010 10:02

I agree with BEEN BETA - guilty conscience.
Now what has he got a guilty conscience about, that is the question!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/06/2010 10:06

Definitely guilty. He has acted swiftly to put you on the back foot and assumed the moral high ground.

He has been a bit of an arse actually, I would have been having words!

gagamama · 15/06/2010 10:06

I think I'm guilty of this TBH. DP works from home and when I get in from work I usually do a quick blitz. Probably looks a bit martyrish, but I'm just trying to get it all done in superquick time so it's not hanging over our heads for the evening. It's not a dig at the lack of housekeeping, just that I know he's been doing bits and pieces of it all day and I just want to get my share over and done with so I can relax!

He was probably grumpy, tired and hungover - ignore the attitude and just focus on the wine and cleaning.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/06/2010 10:12

Is he generally a bit inclined towards putting you down OP? Does he do his fair share of the housework normally?
If this martyred scurry-round was the first time he's lifted a finger in months, then he needs a kick in the cock anyway for being lazy and selfish (housework should be shared between everyone in the household, it is NOT your job ust because you're the one with tits).
I can see this behaviour as being bullying - he's reminding you that he's the BOS of the house and your performance hasn't been satisfactory to deflect attention from the fact that he has been off enjoying himself, which is something he is of course entitled to because he's the man.

Tombliboob · 15/06/2010 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mayorquimby · 15/06/2010 10:31

yabu and sound completely precious. you wanted your present bestowed upon you as well as affection and compliments. He got you a present and cleaned up the house to get it over and done with.
Grow up.

randomimposter · 15/06/2010 10:33

It strikes me that it's too easy (therefore dangerous) to infer all sorts of meanings (hidden or otherwise) from behaviours. OP knows the context and the background and the nuances. And we don't. We can make assumptions from the info we have been given. But assumptions are often incorrect.

FWIW my DP wouldn't know what tidying was. But OTOH he wouldn't go away with his mates for 5 days either.

Most importantly OP felt upset, so understand the need to post and on balance YANBU. I think Compo's advice the best .

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 15/06/2010 10:36

YANBU. I agree with compo, and would definitely have ignored all huffing and might have thrown in a 'Oh, darling, while you're out there in the kitchen, could you make me a sandwich?'. But then, I am a wind up merchant.

CheekyBigBrotherFan · 15/06/2010 10:37

I haven't had flowers in ages either, would love some. only time i get flowers nowadays if i buy them myself, lol

Jamieandhismagictorch · 15/06/2010 10:39

jollster that's what humans do (infer meanings from behaviours)! I agree the OP has more information than us - which might be helpful, and only she will be able to conclude where her DH is on the spectrum of blamelsee-arse-abusive But sometimes people need other's insights to recognise what is really going on.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 15/06/2010 10:40

blameless = blamelsee

Bramshott · 15/06/2010 10:40

Oh Lord, I have been known to do this ! The mess looks so much worse when you come back to it, rather than have been living in it!

randomimposter · 15/06/2010 10:50

Jamie I suppose I was reacting to what (IMO) were quite extreme views expressed by eg Tombliboob. I appreciate that is what AIBU is all about (hence very rarely venturing over here as a confrontation-phobe )

dittany · 15/06/2010 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jamaisjedors · 15/06/2010 10:59

DH does this (in a huffy puffy way).

But he works very hard (in and out of the house - as do I too) and is not a lazy arse, but I do see it as passive-agressive.

It is interesting to see that others see it differently - AND the come-backs are good too - I am usually shamed into hurrying around with him feeling guilty and justifying myself/attacking him.

The swanning off to the living-room is a great idea!

bleedingheart · 15/06/2010 11:16

What MmeLindt said.

YANBU, no one likes a martyr.

Tombliboob · 15/06/2010 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bourboncreme · 15/06/2010 11:21

I have this too,it drives me mad,,you have my sympathy

IamBatman · 15/06/2010 11:22

sounds like something i would do. Best to ignore him and drink the wine. Then plan some time away for yourself.

Original poster

overlysentimental · 15/06/2010 11:23

Ok, things seem to have gone from bad to worse.

Tobe fair to DH,he did give the kids their breakfast and take DS to school this morning so I could have a lie in.

However, we have just been to the supermarket. I have friends coming round tomorrow for book club (first time at my house).

DH announced that he wouldn't eat what I was cooking and would get himself a ready meal. I said fine, off you pop. He was carrying DS2 but proceeded to yell at me as I went straight to the checkout and he couldn't carry the FOUR things he got for his dinner, as well as DS.

He then said I shouldn't be spending so much energy on these people and not helping him get something to eat.

He has now stormed off.

I genuinely don't know what to do. I thought he would come back from his break full of love and admiration for me (instead of the snappy, critical arse he was before he went away.)

But nothing has changed, except I now realise I had 5 days of peace where noone moaned at me.

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 15/06/2010 11:25

OP, were you maybe feeling a bit upset about the whole stag thing?

IamBatman · 15/06/2010 11:27

I couldn't carry 4 things and a child!
But you sound like theres more going on than just what you've mentioned here. is he often critical of you then?

dittany · 15/06/2010 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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