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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for not wanting ILs to come and stay

68 replies

LittleSilver · 14/06/2010 21:17

MIL has just rung asking if she, FIL and BIL can stay for 3 nights next week. It's not that I don't want to see them, it just means giving PIL our bedroom, BIL the spare room where the baby sleeps, and the five of us cramming into DDs1 and 2 bedroom. Plus moan our bathroom still has a curtain instead of a door and some things you do not want to hear!! I said to DH, what about a B and B, but 3 nights is going to work out too expensive for us to afford and we can't exactly ask them to take themselves off.

AIBU and inhospitable or are ILs being unthoughtful?

(plus am 1st trimester with DC4 and in that constantly-knackered-and-queasy-stage)

OP posts:

Original poster

LittleSilver · 14/06/2010 21:19

Am tempted to book the B and B and hang the cost because I also want to delineate some very firm boundaries re: ILs staying after DC4's birth; last time they stayed for 5 nights and I ended up running around making cups of tea/cooking, when all I wanted to do was sit down establish bf with DD3.

OP posts:

Plumm · 14/06/2010 21:21

Why should you pay for their b&b? Just tell them you'd love to see them but you don't have room for the to stay.

expatinscotland · 14/06/2010 21:21

Tell them NO.

Tell them, 'Sorry, but there's still no door on the bathroom. How about a B&B for you?'

Tell them it's a bad time right now and with one bathroom and your vomitting it's not a good idea.

DinahRod · 14/06/2010 21:22

Why do they want to stay? If it's just a social visit, put them off until you are feeling better and household renovations complete or shorten the visit.

And why is BIL in tow? Do they come as a package?

withorwithoutyou · 14/06/2010 21:23

Is there a travelodge nearby? The often have rooms for £19 a night.

BrownPaperandString · 14/06/2010 21:25

I agree - your house is full, no room unfortunately. But of course you would love to see them and would they like you to find out how much the local B&B is? Do they know you're PG again by the way?

If any issue arises, you say jovially - I know, I feel really awkward that we don't live in a bigger place but we just can't do it now that the baby is bigger etc as no-one gets any sleep. Please do come if you can though as it would be so lovely to see you.

hmc · 14/06/2010 21:27

It does sound a bit cramped - can't your dh talk to his parents about it so that you aren't perceived as the awkward one?

mitochondria · 14/06/2010 21:32

YANBU.

They are being thoughtless.
Mine are a bit like this - they ring and invite themselves, and bring random additional family members along too.

Put your foot down, tell them you are feeling ill and would they mind staying in a B+B. Actually, get your husband to do it, they're his parents.

If they do come, don't give up your bedroom. They can cram in to other rooms. We offer guests a blow up mattress in the living room with optional small-boys-bouncing on head wake up call at 6.30am, makes the B+B seem like a great idea.

thatsnotmymonkey · 14/06/2010 21:35

Oh God I feel your pain, we live in a titchy cottage that we love and it is my parents who like to come and stay for 4/5 days.Me and DH squash into the back bedroom on the camping mattress. Brilliant.

The last time they came, I said that perhaps we need to think about some other places for you to stay as our house is just too small for them to be comfortable. My dad complains about everything-uncomfy bed, drafts, sofa is too low.

It is horrible, but we said that we would shout them a B&B next time. I have yet to put my money where my mouth is, I feel bad.

However, you have 3 pieces of ammunition in your arsenal
you are pregnant
you have only one b/room with no door
you don't have the room

So tell DH to tell the PILS this, be firm and friendly and offer to shout a B&B. They may not take you up on the cost and pay for it themselves.

cat64 · 14/06/2010 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ZacharyQuack · 15/06/2010 00:01

If they do stay, can you put the baby in with you, put MIL&FIL in the spare/baby's room and BIL in the lounge? Don't make him too comfy!

However the lack of bathroom door would be a dealbreaker for me. I couldn't stand having only a curtain between me and FIL/BIL while I was on the loo or in the shower.

expatinscotland · 15/06/2010 00:03

Sorry, but I wouldn't be giving up my bed for them. And the one bathroom thing would be a dealbreaker, too.

diamondsandtiaras · 15/06/2010 06:49

You would not be being at all unreasonable to ask them to stay elsewhere. Just say it would be lovely to see them but unfortunately you just don't have the room at your house. And mention the lack of bathroom door and your morning stints with head down toilet should soon put them off.............

anyabanya · 15/06/2010 07:23

sounds ,like a nightmsre frankly. Why are they coming You clearly have a full house alreeady?

skidoodly · 15/06/2010 07:40

These people are imposing themselves and prepared to put a pregnant woman and 3 children out of their beds?

What kind of people are they?

Your DH must tell them (the bleeding obvious) you have no room for them and that you will be delighted to see them when they come and stay at a b&b (at their own expense).

Don't let anyone feed you any shit about close families. I come from a very close family and one of the reasons we are close is that we treat each other with kindness. Their rudeness is breathtaking.

Sonilaa · 15/06/2010 07:43

why do they have to sleep in your bed?
as Zachary says, I would put the baby in your room for the time beeing and let them sleep in the "spare" room/lounge. or ask them to sleep in a b&B.

MintHumbug · 15/06/2010 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skidoodly · 15/06/2010 09:32

Do not humiliate yourself by mentioning your increased need of the bathroom. Just have your husband tell them you can't accommodate them.

Would they actually take your bed, even had you invited them and offered your it freely? I'm staggered if so.

sanielle · 15/06/2010 09:39

If you are pregnant and unwell, why should you move out of your bed? It is your bed. Tell you inlaws yo would love to see them but you really need more notice next time and that they will need to stay in a b and b.

weetabixwhiner · 15/06/2010 09:40

The curtain on the bathroom door would have put me off for starters!

TottWriter · 15/06/2010 09:41

I'm a bit that the status quo is for them to boot you out of your room. We have a 2 bed house and if people come and stay, they have the spare room. It only has a single bed and DS's cot in it, so if there's more than one person, they're on the floor. FIL brings an air mattress with him.

You need to get your DP to tell them that (especially with the fairly short notice) what they are asking is unacceptable. Pregnant ladies should not be expected to share a room with four other people, even if three of them are their own children. Perhaps your PIL would like to share with BIL instead? (See how acceptable they find it then...)

Feet definitely need to be put down here, or they're going to be trampling all over you post-labour, which is not on.

How does your DP feel about all of this? Is he a bit of a doormat when it comes to them, or have you not mentioned how much it upsets you yet?

slushy06 · 15/06/2010 09:49

Definitely NBU. They should stay in a B&B, and certainly not kick you out of your room.

Eglu · 15/06/2010 09:52

You need to be in your own bed when pregnant. THey squash themselves in other places if they can. However, I would just say sorry no room.

motherbeyond · 15/06/2010 10:41

i'm shocked that they would ask to come and stay when there is clearly no room!!!!wtf?
this is up to your dh to sort.what does he think?
my dh's family live abroad.when we first got married they stayed in our spare room,but when we filled any spare room with babies,they obviously couldn't stay anymore and they booked a b&b.
i think fil did meekly suggest that we put an air mattress in our eldest's (4) room,but dh gave him short shrift!!

they are being utterly thoughtless...and cheap??(sorry,why on earth should YOU pay for visitors accomodation?!)
fwiw,i used to make a big effort when they came to stay,gave them own wardrobe,bought them their own set of face/hand/bath towels etc...mt dh warned me not to as was too inviting..and he was right!

i soon stopped when i realised they were treating me like a frigging chalet maid.
you need to get tough..think of yourself and the kids

Jux · 15/06/2010 11:06

I'd say no, there's clearly not enough room.

I'd also suggest that, if you do get lumbered anyway, do not give up your room. ILs can go into spare room, you take baby in with you and BIL goes on the sofa.

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