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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for not wanting ILs to come and stay

68 replies

LittleSilver · 14/06/2010 21:17

MIL has just rung asking if she, FIL and BIL can stay for 3 nights next week. It's not that I don't want to see them, it just means giving PIL our bedroom, BIL the spare room where the baby sleeps, and the five of us cramming into DDs1 and 2 bedroom. Plus moan our bathroom still has a curtain instead of a door and some things you do not want to hear!! I said to DH, what about a B and B, but 3 nights is going to work out too expensive for us to afford and we can't exactly ask them to take themselves off.

AIBU and inhospitable or are ILs being unthoughtful?

(plus am 1st trimester with DC4 and in that constantly-knackered-and-queasy-stage)

OP posts:
SalFresco · 15/06/2010 11:13

WHy would your BIL take the baby's room?!?!?!?!

Madness. Put them all in the living room. Walk in on MIL having a pooh. They'll book themselves a B&B next time

ZacharyQuack · 15/06/2010 11:29

Send the children in to see MIL whenever she's in the bathroom.... [evil]

No one, but no one, gets to sleep in my bed. Except for (begrudgingly) DH. Even the DCs get kicked out pretty sharply.

scaryteacher · 15/06/2010 11:45

My inlaws couldn't put us up recently as they were both just recovering from ops and weer sleeping downstairs, and the other bedrooms are packed full of gubbins, so we stayed in a budget hotel. It meant we had a bolt hole when it all got too much....we are doing the same in the summer even though they say they can now put us up.

Spidermama · 15/06/2010 11:49

Get them a B&B and offer to split the cost.

As for making tea and running around after them, don't! Just say, 'here's the tea and coffee. Make yourselves at home.'

I always make it clear I don't do the hostess bit and my friends and family all help themselves. They often make me a cuppa too!!

I think you have to dig deep, make sure you have in plenty of wine or spliff cakes, and you may well end up having a really good time.

diddl · 15/06/2010 11:53

Why would you be moving to the B&B?

We live abroad & as there are 4 of us & we need threee bedrooms, we have long accepted that no one can put us up.

Maybe for one night we might consider sleeping on floors/sofas, but would never dream of taking over.

DanJARMouse · 15/06/2010 11:56

My inlaws are visiting next month for 6 nights (i thought moving to the scottish highlands would mean I get a break but obviously not!) and we will give up our bed for them.

We will move DS into the DDs room (plenty of room) and we have a double put me up bed to go into DS's room for me and DH.

Originally we were going to use the put me up in the lounge, but I have decided to move DS into the girls room as it means we all have "privacy" and none of this waiting around for inlaws to go to bed before we can get sorted to sleep.

As far as Im concerned, Im being accommodating, and it is only for a short amount of time. However, in your situation I would be asking them to find a B&B or to not bother. Early pregnancy sucks!!!

Original poster
LittleSilver · 15/06/2010 12:46

Thank you guys.

Feel like ought to offer our bed as MIL has stroke 6 years ago and although she has recovered very well, she does get tired easily. Also depsite being only 60 she makes such a meal out of her age you'd think she was 90. She is also quite a large lady and no way could she manage a sofa. Spare room possible but only a single bed. I suppose I could suggest she takes the spare room and FIL and BIL the sofas downstairs.

ILs live 5 hour drive away. No hang on, it's 6 hours cos FIL drives so slowly. We see them about once every 6 months.

BIL is 30, unemployed and therefore couldn't possibly be left alone as he would never manage to cook for himself for 3 whole night s

The bathroom thing is really bothering me. To the poster who asked, no it's not a one week thing, the kids will prob be at uni before doors are on And do you know, the damn reason we haven't got a door on is because we can't afford two sodding B and Q doors at the moment (bangs head against wall) So really can't afford to pay for B and B, otherwise I would suggest it.

I'm glad you don't think ibu. My mum thinks i am and should just grin and bear it. Argh.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 15/06/2010 12:49

Then say NO, LittleSilver.

Grow a spine!

Tell them, 'NO, sorry, we can't accommodate you. We can't afford to put a door on the bathroom, I am getting sick all the time, and I tire easily.'

End of.

And if my own mother told me to grin and bear that, I'd either tell her I'm sending the ILs to stay with her or to go and get knotted.

WHY put up with this?

orangina · 15/06/2010 12:54

I think you should get expat to tell them....

Missus84 · 15/06/2010 12:55

I would say no.

Or, get a blow up mattress - PIL can have that on the living room floor, BIL on the sofa. Tell the inlaws "you might be more comfortable in a B&B, or you can have an air mattress and BIL can have the sofa". Then it's up to them.

expatinscotland · 15/06/2010 12:56

I'd be happy!

Keep it simple. No offers to put them up in a B&B or yourselves, when you can't afford a bathroom door.

Just ring them and say, 'It would be lovely to see you, but we can't put you up at ours anymore. You'll need to make other arrangements.'

That's the ball in their court.

They either play ball or not.

GeekOfTheWeek · 15/06/2010 13:01

YADNBU

Agree with everything expat said.

Tell them no.

And THEY must pay for the b&b, not you.

thatsnotmymonkey · 15/06/2010 13:01

GEt your DH to do it. Practise together.

Phone them up, say your piece and DO NOT EXPLAIN anymore to them. Just like expat says.

BubbaAndBump · 15/06/2010 13:34

You could be a bit sneakier and say (sweetly) it would be lovely to see them, but you have no idea how they'd cope sleeping in the spare room and living room between the three of them - and you wouldn't want them to suffer - unless they have any other suggestions? And get them to come up with the idea of staying elsewhere!

We used to get our ILs into a B&B and it made life a lot happier for us all me (although they did moan about cost/standard of room/breakfast etc etc but I had to let it wash over me)! Recently told my ILs I was pg again, and first thing my MIL said was where would we put it? I thought 'in the room you keep referring to as your room of course!! why else do you think we're trying for another?!!

DuelingFanjo · 15/06/2010 13:35

If it were me I'd say 'fine so long as you don't all mind sleeping in the sitting room'

BigFatSepticToe · 15/06/2010 13:38

offer them a tent in the garden??

belgo · 15/06/2010 13:40

I would say they can stay, and put them all up in the same room, on camp beds if necessary.

If you live far away from your in laws, I think you have a duty to accomodate them sometimes, especially as three nights is not long. They are the children's grandparents of course.

I would be very upset iof my dh refused to let my parents stay here.

Regarding the bathroom, you need to get the door sorted.

LittleMissHissyFit · 15/06/2010 13:41

Don't put yourselves out of a bed, no decent guest would ever see someone do that...

I agree with the 'you'll all have to doss down together in the lounge' and you'd understand if they wanted to stay in a B&B.

expatmummy could be onto something here....

settingthemstraight4U.com

You give her the name and the number of person that needs telling, she tells them, job done...

Expat, you take paypal don't you???

BubbaAndBump · 15/06/2010 13:58

"Regarding the bathroom, you need to get the door sorted." Well that's a helpful comment belgo !

LeoniPoni · 15/06/2010 14:00

(Noting down settingthemstraight4u.com for future use)

Totally agree with the majority! I know how awkward and worrying the prospect of 'saying no' can be. I lose sleep over things like this! But at the end of the day, they are family and you should be able to explain that at this point in your pregnancy and with the house the way it is, it would be too much for you.

GeekOfTheWeek · 15/06/2010 14:04

belgo, presumably you are offering to pay for the ops bathroom door as she has already stated they cannot afford it.

I do not think there is any duty to put people up at all. Even family. Especially the bil.

belgo · 15/06/2010 14:05

Didn't see the bit about not being able to afford a new door.

But I have read that other posters are expecting the family members to pay for a B&B for three nights. Maybe they can't afford a B&B?

belgo · 15/06/2010 14:15

I remember as a child all kipping down on camp beds or the settee when relatives visited, for weeks at a time, and we even used to sleep in the same bed when visiting certain relatives.

To me that is just what family do, family are always welcome.

We used to have the shower cubicle in the kitchen and an outside toilet. Family still stayed with us then.

BigFatSepticToe · 15/06/2010 14:20

yes belgo but your were probably NICE family, who don't mind the squash and muck in with the catering etc - OPs ILs take the mick, expect to be treated like royalty

belgo · 15/06/2010 14:30

I'm obviously not reading the thread properly because I can't see where it says that the in laws are not nice people?

Maybe they miss their grandchildren? Once every six months is not a lot.