right to be fed up or being a paranoid jealous girlfriend?

[digggers]

Been with my dp 2 1/2 years, we met at festivals and parties, being hedonistic together. I was always his party girl. Got pregnant really quick, both our lives changed. We now have a one year old, the last year or so has been amazing, we're happy, in love and love our son. Things are good.

Since ds has been born, neither of us has been out much, and haven't really been able to let our hair totally down. DP has been brilliant, totally there for me and ds and gave up his friends, moved cities, barely goes out anymore. He's had maybe a dozen nights out without us. We still go to festivals, but take the baby so don't party at them like we did. I don't really go out atall anymore, breastfeeding, so have decided to not indulge like I did until not feeding my son anymore. He's also been sensitive to dairy so I've not been able to leave him with formula.

This weekend just gone Lots of dp's best friends, his brother were going to a festival he loves, so I suggested he go alone and I'd stay home and look after bambino, so he could really party for the first time in a year. I love him, I want him to have fun.

In the end he also had to go away for work for the week before, so he was away 7 nights in total. So I've found the last week tiring and stressful, managing work, childcare and baby alone. Am knackered. But wanted him to have fun. He got back last night, had an ace time.

I'm hurt though, because when he was telling me about it , it became apparent he spent alot of the festival hanging out with a girl I know he fancies and was into before we got together. Despite there being a dozen other close friends and his brother there, he apparently hung out with her and her friends all Saturday night , through to Sunday morning, crashed in her tent and sat around with her in her tent (and a couple of her friends) all Sunday until he left at teatime. His phone was out of battery all day, i was trying to ring him and was worried. Our son was poorly, nothing serious top teeth coming in and a cold, but very draining me. I'd texted him about it on saturday night and he'd just replied "oh dear, i'm doing great, give him a kiss from me"He didn't even ring on sunday to see how me and ds were. Just sat around on this girl's tent. Apparently he "couldn't be bothered" going to the car to charge it.

Now I trust him, am not thinking that anything happened with this girl. He came home when he said he would, and hasn't tried to hide anything from me. Was my idea he went in first place. And am aware he was wrecked on saturday, and hungover Sunday and that was part of the experience.

But am hurt that out of everyone he could of hung out with, he hung out with the lass he fancied. Also the prettiest, singlest girl there. Yesterday when I was trying to get hold of him o rang his brother and lots of his friends and none of them had seen him since Saturday. Aibu to be hurt? I don't think he's cheated, or was even intending too. But am fed up. Why couldn't he have just hung out with all his friends or brother, and sat around in their tents all sunday? why did he have to be with this lass? I will admit i'm jealous. I was always his festival girlfriend.

He says he feels like I'm grilling him, being paranoid ad jealous, and making him feel like he has to hide stuff from me in the future in order not to hurt me!

Wrong or not?

Um well both! It was a bit immature of him so hang around with this girl but I doubt he would have told you he was with her if anything was going on. It was insensitive but not too bad. Sounds like you need a break and felt a bit left out?

buuut!
He should have bloody well charged his phone, I really hate it when people can't be arsed like that- if your dc became seriously Ill you need to be able to contact hi
, so I'd deffo have words about that one!

that's what i thought. been trying to tell myself that. helps to see it in b/w . thanks ladies

TSC is right and I know because I too can be like that

You said it was ok - he went and had fun - so just let it go.

And next time - you go

There's really nothing worse than doing something that your DP has said is ok and then them being very un-gracious about it.

Hang on, I think yanbu!
You stayed home for a whole week with ds whilst he had a great weekend away. Fair enough.
However I don't see how he would believe it would be okay to spend the night with another woman, regardless wether something happened or not.
How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot and you spend a drunken night in another guys tent?

Aww, I do feel for you.
I admit I would've been jealous of him hanging out with someone he did (does?) fancy instead of his brother & mates.
The staying the night in the tent & not being arsed to charge his mobile would have really made me

TSC is right.
I am so glad I am not young.

maybe we're both a little in the wrong. maybe tis only a little though? but i do know i would not have been in the least upset if he'd had his phone on all day and had hung out with his friends all weekend. I didn't want to be fed up, i was enjoying hearing about the weekend up until he told me about this lass. but i am definately tired, jealous and need a break.

i'm not that young tsc! but flattered you'd think so.. unless it wasn't meant as a compliment ;-)

sorry that should have been to kreecher. and thank you zondra and keeping up, makes me feel abit less alone and ridiculous!

Sounds like he went head first into escapism. I am sure he got a whiff of what life used to be like and got carried away with the moment; from your description there is nothing wrong with how life is.

I wouldn?t worry about it, I can appreciate you feel upset but if you gave him the green light then he has taken that literally to be a sign to let go for a weekend. The girl in a tent sounds like part of the escapism / time machine / retrospect fantasy ? probably had a homer simpson moment of ?Hmm is this a bit wrong? probably? - ?Yeah I ?ll have another beer ? thanks.?

It does sound like the phone out of battery was a do not disturb sign. A bit out of order but then again I suspect you are both very tied and would like to switch off for a day or two completely.

Just make sure your turn is next!

My thoughts are.. (and this is the voice of experience) you were a completely unjealous person before you had baby. Now, you are understandably a little insecure in certain areas because your life and relationship have changed dramatically.
You want to appear cool and confident in front of DP because you want him to be happy and have fun so you've suggested this weekend away.

Dp has (foolishly) taken this as read and gone along with it. He didnt read the subtext which was 'i want you to go and have fun but please bear in mind Im a new mum and a little bit fragile so please make sure your phoneis charged all the time and that I am able to get hold of you so I dont feel like a glorified nanny while you go off and party'

If he is a decent man then dont bottle it up, as your partner he needs to be dealing with these things with you. Never mind being the 'cool girlfriend' you should say that you were really suprised by your feelings and that it upset you when you couldnt get hold of him. Tell him the way he behaved made you feel that he didnt care about your child being poorly.

Thing to remember though is, YOU didnt know you would be feeling insecure and jealous so he couldnt have known either... But he could have been a bit more insiteful... duh!

I really feel for you. This actually happened to me EXACTLY the same situation. It did transpire that he had cheated on me but I think its important at this stage to not make that assumption as you really have no evidence of it. If he had have cheated there will be other oddities in his behaviour over the next few weeks, just be alert and keep a level head.

All the best.

I also think parents should always (with in reason) be contactable on a phone. What if there was an emergency?! But dont say that to him at this stage I dont think. Next time he goes off you could say it calmly and matter of fact then if he doesnt do it he has delibrately ignored your feelings rather than what he did this time which was be a bit of a buffoon for not knowing instictivly.

Totally agree with foureleven. Stop the grilling that you mentioned in your OP, though, if you do trust him. He won't tell you any more that he's told you already, but may start to think perhaps he should have done something. Concentrate on explaining how you (not unreasonably) feel.

it sounds to me that you have a strong realationship full of trust.
in my opinion YANBU to feel a bit annoyed about the phone thing and the girl thing. It's probable that he was just throwing himself into the moment. my DH is a classic for doing this sort of thing. disappears off on stag weekends and i don;t hear from him!

Make sure you get a chance to have a similiar break when you can (Not in a revenge way!) but if you get a chance to let your hair down you may get to see how easy/tempting it is to cut off from RL. (Having said that some of us will always phone home and some of us won't )

PS Perhaps he thought that if there were an emergency, his brother would get him - lazy so-and-so!

Imo yanbu.

He went to a festival with his brother and friends. This is what the op agreed to. Instead he spent the whole weekend in some girls tent, including overnight, with a girl he admittedly fancies and his phone was off (conveniently?).

Tbh if my dh had done that our marriage would be in trouble. It isn't something I would tolerate, nor would he tolerate it from me.

"He says he feels like I'm grilling him, being paranoid ad jealous, and making him feel like he has to hide stuff from me in the future in order not to hurt me!" - this statement from your op bothers me.

He is effectively saying that although you were hurt, similar may occur in the future and you making a fuss is his green light to conceal things (and maybe lie) from you.

I wouldn't trust someone like this. Any decent partner would reassure you and explain things not threaten you with hiding misdeamenors in the future.

No, you're not being unreasonable

I agree with Geek of the Week's point. I'm sure your OH felt a bit fragile after having to go away for a week for work and then a heavy weekend of partying at a festival, before arriving back in reality of being a parent to a young child and the working week about to begin again. So yes, he probably felt a bit snappy and really couldn't be bothered dealing with you being a bit annoyed with him. But saying (even in the heat of the moment) that your attitude on this issue makes him want to hide stuff from you in the future isn't right.

He also needs to remember that if he's lucky enough to have a supportive partner who was willing to step into the breach and provide childcare on her own all week so he could work and party, then the least he could have done was to keep his phone charged so you could get in touch with him if you needed to.

So I do think you need to sit down and have a chat with him. No you don't want to nag or sound whiny, but you are both parents and you both have responsibilities. You felt a bit abandoned by his lackadaisical attitude and, combined with him spending all this time with another girl, a bit insecure. You need to explain what exactly has upset you without being accusatory, and let him reflect on what you have said.

Then you need to plan your own weekend away with friends - maybe it will have to be put on hold until you're no longer breastfeeding or maybe you can just have friends to visit for a couple of days and enjoy doing something with them, a shopping trip, spa day, complementary therapies, a meal out, a gig. Something you enjoy that will give you a bit of independence and confidence in yourself again, and give your bf the chance to sit at home with your son and see what it's like to have been in your shoes.

Of course, you can keep your phone on and then maybe he'll see how much more reassuring it is for him to get texts/phonecalls from you checking in on things at home.

Don't get mad, get even!!

I don't think YABU at all for two reasons; 1. He was uncontactable which is unacceptable if you are a parent,IMO (unless there is a good reason for it) and 2. he shared a tent with a woman he fancies whilst you're holding the baby. That would rattle me too. It's one thing sharing a tent with drunk mates and another sharing it with a member of the opposite sex to whom you are attracted.

However, I get the feeling you have little to be concerned about. Just make it clear that in future you would like it if he could be contacted and NOT share bedspace with other women!

TSC, you know where your dp is spending the night, the op thought he was spending it with his bro and friends not in some girls tent. It is a very different situation imo.

I am not against weekends away or anything like that at all. I feel the op was duped and that her partner was out of order.

I wouldn't want my dh to spend the night in some girls tent, especially one that he has admitted he fancies. Even more especially when he is supposedly out with his bro and the lads.

I am neither insecure or controlling. And I trust my dh.

What are you going to do when it comes time for your mad weekend, digggers?

My dh is not so bothered about going out, although we have been to festivals together with dd, although the more hippy family friendly ones. The last one we went to was Solfest, we left dd with dsd and went onto the dance tent for a whole ten minutes of raving like we used to!

I have also gone to gatecrasher with some of my female friends, and a day here and there at a spa. I know I am spoiled. Dh goes to the pub every now and again with his friends.

FWIW I think I would feel the same way as you, and also I think that you will be jealous of his freedom - who wouldn't be? The girl would hack me off; but he may well have sat there at the end of the day and thought about how he missed his family, how his childless friends seem a bit immature now.

I'll tell you a secret, I have a male friend who is an ex-boyfriend from my teens, but first and foremost my friend. He is deliciously good looking, but whenever I think 'phwoar!' I immediately think, but he'd be shit with dd though. He wouldn't be a good dad to her, not like dh is. Dh is lovely. He looks after me when I am ill and vomitting and not looking glam and fab. He also saw more of my insides than I will ever see when he was with me having my c-section.

Puts me right off the other bloke.

Hope my epic post made sense and helped you to feel a little bit better.