right to be fed up or being a paranoid jealous girlfriend?

[digggers]

Been with my dp 2 1/2 years, we met at festivals and parties, being hedonistic together. I was always his party girl. Got pregnant really quick, both our lives changed. We now have a one year old, the last year or so has been amazing, we're happy, in love and love our son. Things are good.

Since ds has been born, neither of us has been out much, and haven't really been able to let our hair totally down. DP has been brilliant, totally there for me and ds and gave up his friends, moved cities, barely goes out anymore. He's had maybe a dozen nights out without us. We still go to festivals, but take the baby so don't party at them like we did. I don't really go out atall anymore, breastfeeding, so have decided to not indulge like I did until not feeding my son anymore. He's also been sensitive to dairy so I've not been able to leave him with formula.

This weekend just gone Lots of dp's best friends, his brother were going to a festival he loves, so I suggested he go alone and I'd stay home and look after bambino, so he could really party for the first time in a year. I love him, I want him to have fun.

In the end he also had to go away for work for the week before, so he was away 7 nights in total. So I've found the last week tiring and stressful, managing work, childcare and baby alone. Am knackered. But wanted him to have fun. He got back last night, had an ace time.

I'm hurt though, because when he was telling me about it , it became apparent he spent alot of the festival hanging out with a girl I know he fancies and was into before we got together. Despite there being a dozen other close friends and his brother there, he apparently hung out with her and her friends all Saturday night , through to Sunday morning, crashed in her tent and sat around with her in her tent (and a couple of her friends) all Sunday until he left at teatime. His phone was out of battery all day, i was trying to ring him and was worried. Our son was poorly, nothing serious top teeth coming in and a cold, but very draining me. I'd texted him about it on saturday night and he'd just replied "oh dear, i'm doing great, give him a kiss from me"He didn't even ring on sunday to see how me and ds were. Just sat around on this girl's tent. Apparently he "couldn't be bothered" going to the car to charge it.

Now I trust him, am not thinking that anything happened with this girl. He came home when he said he would, and hasn't tried to hide anything from me. Was my idea he went in first place. And am aware he was wrecked on saturday, and hungover Sunday and that was part of the experience.

But am hurt that out of everyone he could of hung out with, he hung out with the lass he fancied. Also the prettiest, singlest girl there. Yesterday when I was trying to get hold of him o rang his brother and lots of his friends and none of them had seen him since Saturday. Aibu to be hurt? I don't think he's cheated, or was even intending too. But am fed up. Why couldn't he have just hung out with all his friends or brother, and sat around in their tents all sunday? why did he have to be with this lass? I will admit i'm jealous. I was always his festival girlfriend.

He says he feels like I'm grilling him, being paranoid ad jealous, and making him feel like he has to hide stuff from me in the future in order not to hurt me!

Wrong or not?

Exactly stayfrosty.

You say he hasn't tried to hide anything from you. Do you know that is entirely because he is open and honest or is it a case of having to come clean because he knew that his friends and brother would have told you that he were not with them?

I'd be livid at DH spending the night in another woman's tent/bedroom/whatever. When you are married there are boundaries and this is one of them IMO. I also agree with previous posters that as a father you should always be contactable when you are away.

"he *were" not with them"

Aussieng, good point about the having to come clean.
I think what you say is probably the realistic situation.
By telling op about the girl & the tent sounds like an attempt at damage limitation to me!

Hope you are ok,op.

I read it that he was with her and her friends, not only with her??? (He was still unreasonable, though, particularly re saying OP is paranoid and jealous.)

Hey I am also a festival and party goer.. come on OP you know how time just melts away at these things.. sitting about and chatting for hours is so easy to do. And when you lose someone at a festival it can take hours and hours to catch up. I went to one last weekend with a mixed bag of peeps, my brother with kids etc and a party posse.. I hardly saw a few of them despite camping close together... its just how it is sometimes. Chill and be confident that he loves you and be happy that he had a good time and didnt hide anything from you...Try and get a night off together soon.. My DS was around 13months when I left him with GP for a night so we could indulge in some hedonistic fun... was amazing and just what we needed... xx

I have gone ballistic at my DH over the phone issue a few time after DS was born. He can be very forgetful about his phone and I have told him in no uncertain terms that he absolutely MUST have it charged at all times in case DS is ever in trouble. When I pointed out the bold fact that his son might die in hospital before he's even found, he has realised and is good about his phone now. That is definitely not ok and your DP needs to get bothered!

My DH would also get roundly absused if I took over all the childcare so that he could have a time out with his mates and then I found out that he actually went there to hang out in some woman's tent!! Totally out of order IMO. And the fact that his solution to this is that he should lie to you from now on instead??? I would be making it abundantly clear that if that's how he plans his time in future, he can bloody well stay at home and look after his baby!!

Agree Aussieng.

He may have 'come clean' so as to not look more of a twat when the face book pics are out or when you speak to his friends.

Thanks everyone.

Still feeling fed up. Especially since all he's done all day is sleep and watch the world cup . He's on a come down, grumpy and tired, and apparently I'm neurotic weird and annoying and have tarnished his weekend.

I trust him and know that he wouldn't cheat. That isn't the issue. And as Cretaceous says, he wasn't alone with her in her tent. Apparently there was the girl he fancies, her friend who was also sharing the tent, and two couples. Apparently the couples went to bed about 3 am leaving him there with the two girls. And he couldn't be bothered walking back to his tent in the rain so passed out there. When he woke up on the Sunday he said he just stayed there and sobered up with the two girls. Apparently when he got back to his brother, his brother asked if he'd been shagging them. Hope everyone doesn't think that.

Could be the case aussieng, but I'm inclined to trust him. And devendra, I hear you! I do think he was just being a bimbling fool off his tits, following the party and not thinking. I've been there. Maybe this is karma? He said to me today, I thought you'd be cool about it because you used to do it. Ha! I thought I would too. I am damn jealous. And sad, I miss partying with him.

Thanks for everyone's support. I'm sorry not to reply to everyone seperately. Maybe I'll try to later when I have more time. What's the etiquette here? He did apologise for hurting me today. And I did tell him that he is never to hide anything from me in the future. I feel very sad. I didn't want to argue. Wish I hadn't have been bothered

i think your dp was a bit in the wrong. not just the phone bit but just the amount time spent with single attractive other in close confines. however, i can get how it may have happened and it's not the world's worst sin. he got caught up in a moment. he sounds ace in all other respects and i have no doubt he loves you through and through.

but don't beat yourself up about feeling upset here. it's ok for you to feel that way. you gave him a pass, and he overstepped the mark a little bit. that doesn't make you a psycho jealous type.

i think he needs to know that he overstepped mark and apologise.

Spins, four eleven, haoshiji, littlmiss, Geek, ( I'm sure I'm missing folk, posting from a mobile, makes it hard to look back) infact everyone. You talk alot of sense. Thank you for making me feel better. Xxx alot of your posts struck chord with me, espesh haoshiji. He's not a bad guy, just an idiot adjusting to parenthood and life changes and being a twat today

Diggers, I think you've prob made your point to him - leave it a few days for him to come down and feel a bit more reasonable and then bring up some of the key issues to discuss in a more relaxed way - i.e. his phone not being on etc.

Then spend next few weeks planning your own weekend of fun. And then hopefully pretty soon you and your OH can have a weekend or at least a night of crazy fun times together soon. Parenthood shouldn't mean the end of fun but you need to respect your partner, not take the piss and always be contactable. It sounds like your OH broke a few of these basic guidelines this weekend but as long as you've made your point to him that this is what was unacceptable, not him having a good time with his brother/friends then with any luck you won't have any more problems.

He should consider himself lucky - my DH might get to a very occasional football match/gig etc without me after our baby arrives in August but I'd say a whole weekend at a festival would be pushing it lol

Thank you both.

I'm grateful for the range of opinion on this. It's helped me feel much better. Had a good chat just now and we've agreed to have a think each and then come back to each other with boundaries and such. We've never really done that, we're not married, we went from enthusiastically drunk and in lust, to pregnant and in love, to parents. It's all been very idealistic in some ways. We've also made plans to go to a festival together and leave ds with his gp. I'm booking a spa day next sunday. Tis a start.

Sigh.... As much as I love my son... Mmmmmmmm. Kid free bliss .... Sigh

I feel I've changed so much this year. So hard to switch off from the intensity of motherhood and responsibility. I've lost so much of me. Will things go back to where they were ever?

you clearly trust him. It may have been a while, but you can remember what festivals are like? How time loses meaning, hours blur, cars in carparks with chargers are another world away. He ,ight have simply got lost in the festival vibe, and had a really good time, 'old school' style.

I think it's reasonable to be a little miffed - you were his festival girl & you weren't there, but this other girl was. It's difficult - I would find that difficult. But he's home with you now, and he's been really open about what happened over the weekend. Imagine the other options - would you rather he lied to spare your feelings? what is it about the truth hurting?

You've been amazing - hope you get to put your feet up this coming weekend and let him take over as much of the parenting as possible. You deserve a break too!

You sound lovely, Digggers. I would try and let it go now though, and remind him how lucky he is to have you by continuing to be your usual self. But make sure you get some time out to have fun too. And look in to getting away together, even if it's just a night, if possible.

He got drunk, he let his hair down, he got a taste of the carefree life he had, he felt v guilty when he realised that he may have missed something important by not charging his phone and getting in contact with you, he feels grumpy because you had to remind him about his responsibilities as a newish dad.

It's over. Get a breast pump, fill a bottle, go out and have a little wild of your own.x

Aye aye. It's cool. Slept on it, don't want to sleep on it again. Life has changed. two years ago I wouldn't have been bothered. But now I was. I need to work out why. And he needs to work out how he can stillbe free and himself whilst respecting and acting with love towards his newly neurotic girlfriend. And so things go.

Just to say btw, I have got a breastpump. But I've not been blessed with a plentiful supply and it can take a few days of expressing to get a single feed. So pumping has been a fulltime job to be able to leave him for work, let alone a night out. Managed a couple of times, been a bit drunk. But not too drunk, didn't ever feel right feeding a baby hungover. And I definately never ever want to take anything stronger than alchohol if you see what I mean when still feeding. Even with a respectable break before resuming, there's just not the research about that for me to ever feel comfortable. I've been sharing my body with my son, so I've not partied with it. Seems fair. not that you can't have fun without being drunk or whatever, but it's certainly more difficult to switch off from responsibility and tiredness, stamina and time to recover thenext day are all issues too. I guess now it all seems very far away. He's one now and drinking cow's milk. Been a recent thing ( a few weeks) so possiblities are opening up again, but slowly. I don't want to stop feeding him immediately, for the sake if a party. Seems a no brained, feeding my baby has been more special than limiting and I'll have the rest of my life to get drunk. But am aware now tis time to start adjusting and thinking about it, and me, and me and his dad.

Keeping learning

diggers, you will get yourself back. Parenthood is such a huge change, especially for the woman, as you say, your body is not your own.
It does change over time and in the grand scheme of things, it will be no time at all before you can have weekends off. I suspect that things won't ever go back completely to how they were before, but you'll be able to let your hair down.
It seems that men can switch off from being a parent more easily than women (in my experience).

Hmm...as a seasoned festival goer myself...I would be able to understand how it could have happened that he crashed in her tent as I have ended up passing out in the most random of places so that's not necessarily anything to worry about.

Yeah maybe it was a bit thoughtless of him not to charge his phone up, BUT it is a right mission to charge a phone up at a festival. He would have had to traipse miles to his car, leave his phone there and risk it getting nicked and then go back later, or wait in the car while it charged. And I'm sure you remember what Sundays at festivals are like, if Saturday night was heavy then it's all you can do to stagger to the cider tent or go for a piss. And DS's teeth coming through were not exactly life threatening.

So don't worry. He had a blast and he was honest with you. That's what you wanted. And as others have said, make sure next time you get to go off and have fun. There's always expressing if DS is still BF!

I'm a seasoned festival goer too. The summer I got pregnant I went to 7 festivals, ds was conceived at one of them. Used to sleep were I fell, didn't take a phone as felt it ruined the magic.DP didn't take a tent, just knew he'd always find someone's tent to crash in. More often than not it'd be mine.

I do remember how it goes, and I probably wouldn't have been anything other than amused and slightly miffed if he hadn't have chosen this partcular girl. Even with the phone thing I still greeted him at the front door when he got back with a cup of tea, bubblebAth and blowjob (in that order ;-) ) But this lass is the girl that the dp was pursuing before me, I know he fancies her and if I'm honest I'm jealous because she reminds me of me before 2 years of pregnAncy and motherhood, two superfluous stone, a more carefree and confident me. The girl dp fell in love with .

But imustn't let my insecurities get the better of me.

Awww,Diggers.

I feel for you.

My DD is 6 now, and I remember that year when she was one and living on site at Glastonbury for 3 months in the run up to the festival (ex DP works there), and that year it was a nightmare as I still felt fat and horrible, it was really hot and had to try and keep DD cool as she was getting heatstroke, I couldn't get wrecked as I would have small person to look after in the morning, and it all just seemed like a right struggle.

Wind things on a couple of years and I had my figure back, felt like myself again, me and ex DP had split up and he had her every other weekend so I had plenty of time to myself and festivals were exactly how they used to be. I still go to a lot now (not this year as I am 8 months pg at the moment). Either I take DD and then it's early nights and hanging around in craft workshops and the kids field, or I leave her with ex DP and it's let my hair down time. Either is fun. You will start to feel like the old you again, and DS will get to the age where hopefully you can leave him with grandparents or other people you trust for a weekend and you and DP can go and party like the good old days. It just takes a bit of time.