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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why is it that women go out of their way to make other women feel shit?

91 replies

Harimo · 14/06/2010 07:56

Because, until we stop doing that, feminism / womens rights / equality are just mere words.

I've just spent most of the night awake (DS went to sleep at 4:05am... DD got up at 4:50am ) I feel and look like shit.

My Dh did not get up. Slept all night in the spare room 'because he has to go to work'

Now I have fed DD. DS is still fast asleep.

Just logged on to MN and there are so many threads along the lines of 'OMG!! SHE DIDN'T HAVE MAKE UP ON A SCHOOL RUN' (Now, OK, the OP was actually dissing the article) - but that had appeared in a national newspaper in 2010 FFS!!

Today, I will manage to feed, clothe, clean and play with two babies (DS is just 2YO and DD is coming up 11MO). I will ensure that they have activities which stimulate them physical and mentally (possibly moreso to ensure they sleep later ). I will clean the house and their clothes to make sure their environment is safe and happy.

I will do this without outside help and without a DH around (He works overseas Monday to Friday).

And yet, some sad female will prefer to comment on what I have chosen to wear (which will be clean and functional). It's not fucking sex in the city!!!!

Sorry, I have had no sleep and am probably rambling, but it makes me so mad that, as women, we overlook all the brilliant things we do and, instead, comment on whether or not we have had time to apply make up or do our hair.

And we say men never grow up

And don't tell me I am being unreasonable. I have had no sleep and could be dangerous!

OP posts:
trumpton · 14/06/2010 11:06

Well done Trinity It's great you got them all out and nearly on time. I have had bad tummy and had to change my pants and trousers yesterday ( TMI sorry ) I only ever put make up on sitting in car it seems and then only not to scare the horses.

Lemonylemon · 14/06/2010 11:15

You are definitely NBU. I work full-time. I shower every morning, I get the kids ready, lunches made. We're all dressed in clean clothes. My clothes are suitable for the office. I get to work on time. So why is it that I get snidey comments from people at work because I don't wear make-up? I don't wear make-up because I'm bloody exhausted. I've been widowed for going on 3 years and have a 2.7yo DD and a 13yo DS and the fact that I get us up and out of the house in a reasonable state is just about all I can manage....

PansAndNoodles · 14/06/2010 11:18

Many mornings feel and look like I've been shot out of a canon.

EveWasFramed10 · 14/06/2010 11:20

Harimo YADNBU!!! I feel for you...wish I lived close...your babes and mine could just destroy my house, and you could nap all afternoon.

Hope you get some sleep, and feel better.

This thread makes me think that at least a few of us are strong and secure enough not to give a toss what we're wearing!!

TakeLovingChances · 14/06/2010 11:29

Pans&Noodles, "Many mornings feel and look like I've been shot out of a canon." Very well said. ROFL.

sarah293 · 14/06/2010 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

dawntigga · 14/06/2010 12:03

We're taught to be competitive with other women from such a young age. You have to compete to find a mate/job etc. It makes me sick tbh.

YahBooSucksToTheWomenWhoAren'tInTheSisterHoodTiggaxx

pagwatch · 14/06/2010 12:13

But it isn't just about groomed women being unsupportive of messy women.
It is laid back types sneering at women who wear make up.
It is SAHMs snipeing at WOHMs. WOHMs sneering at SAHMs. All of us looking at women on tv and feeling comfortable tearing their appearance apart. When we see badly behaved children we blame the mother. When we see very polite children we sneer about stepford snottiness. Boden types, yummy mummys, waynettas, wags, ..we never stop

We do it everywhere. Women spend a great deal of energy putting each other down. We don't need men to do it, we have it covered.

Alouiseg · 14/06/2010 12:18

It's a bit unreasonable not to brush your teeth imho. But the rest of it can take a running jump till the dc are at school, the dog is walked and the house put back together.

BuzzingNoise · 14/06/2010 12:19

Agreed, Pagwatch.
Many threads are either about how wonderful a person is, making others feel bad, or about how difficult someone's own life is.
FWIW, I have a pants life at times but I am wonderful at times too!

Mittz · 14/06/2010 12:19

I did a thread about this and was accused of being a woman hater, but I agree with you.

It is appalling, but we are also equally harsh about men.
I just keep quiet about it now. Stick to people I generally feel comfortable with on here.

Sad though.

TheFutureMrsClooney · 14/06/2010 12:24

Pagwatch for PM please.

I don't think I'm better than anyone, nor do I think I'm worse than anyone but I do get pissed off with people thinking they know what's going on in my life because of where I live/what I look like/how I speak etc.

coffeefestival · 14/06/2010 12:29

YANBU at all. The world would be so much nicer if people didn't try to make so many things into a competition.

IamBatman · 14/06/2010 12:38

YANBU and i did laugh at 'Many mornings feel and look like I've been shot out of a canon'!
in a way i'm really glad i live in an area where only 50% ish of mums bother to get dressed in the morning. No school run competitiveness (sp?) here!Altough i reserve my right to gawp in horror at the mums that wear jeggings so tight i can see every crease of their anatomy

secunda · 14/06/2010 12:43

Christ, I don't know why people expect anything of total strangers. People are competitive, they just are. It's evolutionary. Women's survival depends on being better than other women, especially in terms of looks. Men are primarily attracted by looks and there's only so many men to go round, that's it. Why should women be supportive of each other just because they're women? It's patronising. You'd do better to not give a shit what other people think of you, I certainly don't.

porcamiseria · 14/06/2010 12:45

I agree with what pagwatch said, and I think MN is in some ways a microcosm of the the slagging that goes on

But I only see it on MN! In RL me and my women tend to support each other. WOHM, SAHM, scruffy, groomed, etc etc

so this "war" between women, well I only tend to see it happen here!!!! which I dont take that seriously, words on a screen and all that.........

if women in RL argues like they do on here I'd never leave the house!

auberginesrus · 14/06/2010 13:19

What pagwatch said

Although I do think these things are magnified on MN as people are anonymous and can say what they like.

On the rare instances I get to do a school run (WOHM) I don't see any bitching, and similarly we are a fairly relaxed bunch at work too. Maybe I'm just oblivious to it all and being called behind my back but I really don't care tbh. Life is too short to worry about what other people think in my opinion.

Hope your day improves OP and you get some much needed sleep.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 14/06/2010 13:20

exactly, pagwatch. I think there were at least as many comments on that thread saying women who wear makeup are stuck up with no self esteem etc,what has happened to sisterhood?

BelleDameSansMerci · 14/06/2010 13:33

Isn't it true that if someone thinks very little of themselves, they can feel better by belittling someone else?

I generally assume that's where these criticisms of other women come from. That said, I think the evolutionary stuff is true too - it's pretty much ingrained.

I hate being judgemental about someone else looks but I still find myself doing it. Never about make-up or school run stuff (really, who cares?) but other silly things. I don't like this trait in myself but it's there.

I spend my whole time saying to DD "Oh that little girl is very pretty, isn't she?" "Or look at that lady's beautiful dress" in the hope that she'll grow up without this tendency but I fear it'll be a lost battle once she starts school.

BuzzingNoise · 14/06/2010 15:05

Yes I firmly believe in that, BellaDame!

Lemonylemon · 14/06/2010 15:31

"Isn't it true that if someone thinks very little of themselves, they can feel better by belittling someone else?"

Yes, and it says more about the person doing the belittling than the person they're talking about.....

pagwatch · 14/06/2010 16:09

I agree with Porca and aubergines that what is said on here is very exagerated because of the anonimity.
Also I think ( hope) that if anyone approached us at the school gates and said
'look at that mum over there in the scruffy jeans and no make up - she should try harder '
nearly all of us would say
'oh do fuck off you superficial mare'
rather than
'yes - and look at the state of her feet'

I am almost certain we would

I agree with the belittling thing. People feeling insecure look for someone to look down on. The scum that shout at my son clearly have esteem issues. If you shout at a child with SN you really can't feel great about yourself on almost any level.

Downdog · 14/06/2010 16:44

YABU - though I do agree with some of your grumbles/points.

But what on earth has feminism got to do with all women sticking together and being nice to each other all the time? That's a naieve and silly thing to assume & there is loads of evidence as to why here on MN.

Of course women can also be incredibly supportive & nuturing of each other (as well as their partners & kids). It's down to us as individuals, to do the best we can with ourselves, and seek out the people we want around us in our lives.

You proposition that all women should be nice to each other simply because they share gender makes me shudder - like some kind of weird reverse Stepford Wives scenario. Surely you've met women who you can't stand? Who make you want to run a mile, or who you secretly think bad things about? Men don't have a monopoly on being crap people.

I don't consider myself to be overly bitchy or concerned by my appearance but I know lots of women are & do. Luckily there are load more groovy chicks to be friends with so I don't need to concern myself with the bitchy bunch.

Hope your day improved! And I hope that you can look at your opening sentances, and in particular "Because, until we stop doing that, feminism / womens rights / equality are just mere words." and realise what dangerous rubbish that is. We are all equal to bitch about each other - if that's what we want to do. Why not just ignore them and put your energies into women that do make you feel equal/empowered.

And finally we are equal - by existing we are equal. And we don't need a man, government, or a glossy haired uber-bitch to validate that.

OP what you are doing is amazing - please don't give such importance to silly articles by shallow people.

foreverastudent · 14/06/2010 16:55

yanbu

divide and conquer-that is what patriarchy has dne to us

Downdog · 14/06/2010 17:01

forever - how can you blame the men? Don't you think it's just human? Do you really think there was a point where all the women had solidarity with each other - what rubbish.

And I don't think that this is what feminism is about at all - it's about being equal above everything else, and to say that women not sticking together means women will never be equal, feminism will never exist properly is disempowering, "blame someone else" thinking.