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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In thinking 'I have had enough with friend's dd'?

77 replies

Sammiez · 11/06/2010 10:12

Hello everyone!
My friend's dd is driving me crazy at the moment. She hits my daughter in my house,when we are at their's,in the park,everywhere/anywhere. Last week,we went to Willow's farm and she wouldn't share a trampoline with my daughter,yelling at her to go on another one. She hit her at least 3times that day,the last one in the car on our way back and my dd's lip cracked and bled
It has always happened but my friend has never been firm with her. Sometimes,her dd does it and then quickly burst into tears saying,'I am so sorry! Do you still love me?' and her mum reassures her immediately forgetting what she has done.
Last year,when we visited them,she was going to hit my dd with a wooden toy on the head and fortunately my hand got in the way and it hit me instead. It hurt for about two days! All that time,I used to tell my dd to ignore her. She hits my dd and then says my dd hit her. Now my dd bursts into tears saying,'she is making it up'. My dd does not hit and has never hit her back but I am tempted to tell her to hit her back but do not want her to form the habit and then I regret asking her to.
Want to speak with my friend but do not know what to say or how to start because I do not want my dd around this girl anymore! Friend is very very lovely but cannot jeopardize my dd.
Please any advice?
Thanks very much

OP posts:

SirBoobAlot · 11/06/2010 10:14

How old are the girls?

PuppyMonkey · 11/06/2010 10:14

How old are the kids?

BessieBoots · 11/06/2010 10:15

Just dump them. It's not worth it.
Alternatively, next time it happens, you do something. "No, we do not hit, that is not nice." Be firm. Her mother may freak but things can't go on like this.

pigletmania · 11/06/2010 10:16

That behaviour is not acceptable at any age tbh, its bullying. Is she a good friend or not, if she is a good friend I would have a quiet word with her about it. If not i would avoid her and her dd until she can deal with her dd behaviour properly.

traceybath · 11/06/2010 10:17

If your friend is not discipling the child - then you need to step in and just say 'thats not kind - look you've hurt dd'.

But to be honest I'd just avoid them for a while and hopefully this phase will pass.

Am assuming they're fairly little.

Try and see your friend without the dc's - sometimes some children just do not play well together.

pigletmania · 11/06/2010 10:18

Good idea Bessie wish Id thought of that, if it happens next time you correct her, and say that not nice behaviour, we dont hit or shout. Dont have much to do with them tbh.

borderslass · 11/06/2010 10:18

Sometimes,her dd does it and then quickly burst into tears saying,'I am so sorry! Do you still love me?' and her mum reassures her immediately forgetting what she has done.
This I would worry about as well, children shouldn't be saying things like that unless they've heard it from others. what age are they?

pigletmania · 11/06/2010 10:18

My dd does not really play well with my friends little boy so we just meet when they are at pre school at each others houses.

PuppyMonkey · 11/06/2010 10:19

Well if they're two that's different from if they're seven.

8Ace · 11/06/2010 10:21

I had a friend who's DS was like this with mine then when we both had other children her younger DS started doing it with my DD. Kicking, nipping, pushing, shouting, not sharing to quite a nasty level.

It seemed to calm down when they got older then I found out that her DS wasn't letting mine play the games and was telling him he hated him and other nasty stuff.

I don't go anymore - it was just telling my kids that was ok for them to be treated like this and it was reinforcing in her kids that it was ok for them to behave like that because people still came to play.

I now avoid her cos I'm too much of a pussy to tell her that her kids are horrible.

SloanyPony · 11/06/2010 10:22

This is a tricky one that I was going through at the start of the year. Its not always a simple case of just dump them - something has to be done but its better to be able to preserve the friendship rather than toss it out of the way over a phase that may only last a few months.

My son was being constantly hit and bit by his friend, who's mother is a very good and local friend of mine who without, I would have a big hole to fill from my own point of view (support, company, sanity, etc). I was lucky in that my friend was very much keen to get her son to STOP the behaviour, but was at a bit of a loss how to do so (as was I).

We kept on at him and he is better, though he still has a tendency to do it sometimes. She gave me "permission" to tell him off when she was not watching or there or breastfeeding, which was good because I felt I did have free reign to intervene.

You could say something like "geez, its not easy like it used to be, is it! How can we get them to play nicely like they used to? Any ideas" or something like that to try and encourage an open discussion on the subject. But its not easy. Good luck.

Original poster

Sammiez · 11/06/2010 10:24

Thanks very much everyone. My dd will be 6 in September and my friend's dd will be 5 this month. At first,I kept wondering if it was my dd with a problem and I spoke with my friend telling her to ask her dd if she had any issues with mine. Her dd said my daughter does nothing to her. This actually happens at school as well. During lunch time,she tells my dd not to sit beside her. One day,she hit my dd on the eye and her eye had a red mark for a while.
Now I say something. If my friend is with us she tells them to listen to what I have to say but wont do anything further. On Monday,at Willow's,I just couldn't take it anymore and I raised my voice for the first time and my friend asked me if her dd had pinched my dd on the face at the farm before that time .So she is supposed to have pulled at her face at least 2 or 3 or 4 or how many times before she gets told off???

OP posts:

nickschick · 11/06/2010 10:26

I have many friends with children and this does happen but im a bit 'gobby' (old schoolstyle nursery nurse)and immediately tell the child not to do that etc etc .....I have a way of saying 'what are you doing?' in a way that makes a child stop!!!!-that said i dont do it for nothing-and on one occasion a little boy said to his mum 'nickschick was really cross with xxxx' and his mum said well she doesnt get cross for nothing......

Im surprised shes still your friend to be honest!!!

traceybath · 11/06/2010 10:28

OK at that age your friend is being very naughty in not disciplining her child. A 5 year old shouldn't be behaving like that.

To be honest - I would just stop seeing friend with dc's and if friend says anything - just say as someone else suggested - well the girls don't seem to play together very well at the moment do they?

Tricksy but you can't let your DD keep being hurt.

And if the issues are happening at school I would also mention it to the teachers.

Original poster

Sammiez · 11/06/2010 10:32

Nickschick,yes I am also surprised she is still my friend. I blame myself totally. We just moved into the area(about 8months now) and I thought being friends would help my dd settle in quick. My friend was the 'only' friendly mum I knew at the time and tbh she is indeed lovely but now I have just had it!
When her daughter comes over,she sometimes hits my 2year old. What annoys me most now is that because I hardly raise my voice with her girl,she now leaves the telling off to me.
I really could go on and on...
I feel somewhat used by my friend because I am beginning to wonder if her dd has other friends that can take the attitude

OP posts:

Jamieandhismagictorch · 11/06/2010 10:32

This is a problem with how the mum is (not) disciplining.

She seems to have no confidence in her own ability - leaving it to you.

If you value the friendship then talk to her. Sooner or later you will really start to dislike this child - and it just won't work if you are always the one stepping in, because you will be feeling angry (rightly) and the girl will sense that.
The mum needs to be the one to do it.

Very very hard, but I'd say - "look I like you, and your DD and my DD are friends, but DD is getting hurt and frightened by her. So unless you do something about her behaviour, then we won't be able to socialise"

Original poster

Sammiez · 11/06/2010 10:33

OP posts:

SloanyPony · 11/06/2010 10:36

I found it helpful also to look the child in the eye, and just calmly say "I am watching you". Just in a firm but calm tone. Not threatening, just sort of a "watch yourself because I am" type message.

After that I'd see him look over at me when he was about to pinch or thump DS and he would often reconsider.

PuppyMonkey · 11/06/2010 10:37

The thing is, though, some people are just not naturally good at the parenting thing and while you may think the mum is being "naughty" for not being able to discilpline, maybe she just needs a bit of helpful enocuragement with her demanding daughter. Maybe she just doesn't know how to do it! I feel quite sorry for the mum actually, maybe she could do with a good friend.

Original poster

Sammiez · 11/06/2010 10:40

A dumb question now...

I usually pick her girl up from school sometimes because she works and I am a SAHM and incidentally she is coming over today. I feel bad telling my friend I cannot even pick her up? but it is the truth
It took a lot for me to get to this stage where I cannot stand to see her anymore
I know my friend is very weak and I hope she figures it out soon. I know that as a 'good' friend I should let her know and we should work together to help but does she feel she needs help?
She keeps saying,'oh your dd is almost a year older than mine' as if that is an excuse for her to hit her.

OP posts:

traceybath · 11/06/2010 10:40

Sorry Puppy but I'd have thought it was pretty obvious that you can't let your 5 year old constantly hit/pinch other children.

And maybe she does find parenting hard but its not fair for the OP's daughter to suffer because of that.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 11/06/2010 10:42

yy Puppy - I wonder if you started a chat with her OP - asking her how she feels about her dd hitting, and maybe recommending a book eg Little Angels by Tanya Byron, if she acknowledges sh doesn't know how to deal with it

Hard though, if she becomes defensive - you'll have to tread carefully and be prepared for her to be angry.

But you can't really go on like this

Jamieandhismagictorch · 11/06/2010 10:44

X posted Sammiez - don't feel guilty. Your first priority is your daughter. Maybe one last attempt to lay it on the line - and then cut contact

Oblomov · 11/06/2010 10:44

Hard. But you have to be strong. Tell the friend the truth.
I became friends with one of the schoolground mums. I value her friendship greatly. Our ds's (6) play o.k. Her ds2(2.5) often hits my ds2(1.5).
It is impossible for us to see eachother without our children there. but we both are strong about telling our and eachothers children off for bad behaviour.
they still egg eachother on and probably would be best , if none of the children were ever together. but I don't want that.
I think it sounds like really you don't want to see her anymore. why don't you just be brave and tell her so ?

Original poster

Sammiez · 11/06/2010 10:47

Yes PuppyMonkey,I know she could do with a good friend but does she even realise this? I love her to bits and I think it is mutual but my daughter is at satke here. At first,I'd just talk to my daughter and she would ask hers if she needed a cuddle! To be honest,I was amazed but not mad. Then my daughter,started to say I liked my friend's dd more than I liked her and that sometimes I do not believe her when her friend does something to her. I think Willows Farm was the last straw for me.
On that day,two girls were playing in the sand area and I saw her throw some sand at them and quickly look the other way. I cannot believe a 4/5year old can do these things. I almost cannot believe myself.

OP posts:

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