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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In thinking 'I have had enough with friend's dd'?

77 replies

Sammiez · 11/06/2010 10:12

Hello everyone!
My friend's dd is driving me crazy at the moment. She hits my daughter in my house,when we are at their's,in the park,everywhere/anywhere. Last week,we went to Willow's farm and she wouldn't share a trampoline with my daughter,yelling at her to go on another one. She hit her at least 3times that day,the last one in the car on our way back and my dd's lip cracked and bled
It has always happened but my friend has never been firm with her. Sometimes,her dd does it and then quickly burst into tears saying,'I am so sorry! Do you still love me?' and her mum reassures her immediately forgetting what she has done.
Last year,when we visited them,she was going to hit my dd with a wooden toy on the head and fortunately my hand got in the way and it hit me instead. It hurt for about two days! All that time,I used to tell my dd to ignore her. She hits my dd and then says my dd hit her. Now my dd bursts into tears saying,'she is making it up'. My dd does not hit and has never hit her back but I am tempted to tell her to hit her back but do not want her to form the habit and then I regret asking her to.
Want to speak with my friend but do not know what to say or how to start because I do not want my dd around this girl anymore! Friend is very very lovely but cannot jeopardize my dd.
Please any advice?
Thanks very much

OP posts:

Colliecross · 11/06/2010 12:16

I don't think it's an only child thing. I do think some people actually seem afraid to discipline their children. I would say demonstrate good parenting techniques to your friend, but I think you have been doing that already.
You can't solve her problem unless she sees it as a problem too.
Withdrawing your child's company might make the penny drop. tho I doubt it tbh.
Anyay, your own child has to come first.

GeekOfTheWeek · 11/06/2010 12:29

No, there are many only children that do not behave like this.

SeaTrek · 11/06/2010 13:03

Sounds like a horrible situation.

I agree, your friendship will survive if it is worth having.

I recently stopped a very convenient lift-sharing agreement wth a friend and her two children, as I just couldn't face their behaviour or the way they spoke to my son anymore (he is 2-3 yrs younger). The friendship survived it! Just word it carefully. I would just tell her that your DD and hers don't seem to be getting on very well at the moment, and your DD is getting increasingly distressed so you think it is time they had a break from being togethe outside school. Just be sure to keep seeing your friend though.

I have seen no evidence of this being an 'only child' thing. All the children in my DS's class who are only children are lovely and kind (including my DS!). I have also been a teacher for longer than I care to remember, and again, no evidence. It is down to personalitites and parenting.

brass · 11/06/2010 13:21

Colliecross' comment about being regarded in lower esteem stings a little. I have moved on from a couple of people whose children were like this. At the end of the day I couldn't rationalise that they thought it was acceptable to sit there indolently whilst their brats hit / bullied / teased mine.

It IS a parenting issue. I didn't see why mine had to suffer. They certainly weren't having any fun. So we made a decision that if people didn't behave appropriately they wouldn't be invited again.

letsblowthistacostand · 11/06/2010 15:07

It makes all the difference when the other parents are aware and intervene, doesn't it? My friend's 2.5yo really seems to target my almost 2yo, snatches any toys she's playing with, pushes her. My friend is on top of it and we don't hang out at each other's houses any more (where it's worst.)

You expect some bad behaviour in any group of kids (my DDs are no angels), but if the parents don't deal with it it becomes intolerable.

bibbitybobbityhat · 11/06/2010 15:24

I let a friendship of mine go over this issue between her ds and my dd. My friend was distressed by her son's behaviour and did try to stop it, but he was just one of those little boys. I didn't bear him or her any malice but in the end I couldn't stand to see my dd being hurt all the time (pinching, hair pulling, biting) etc and so we stopped seeing them. It was a shame but I couldn't put my need for adult company above my dd's feelings.

Timbachick · 11/06/2010 15:37

I do not have actual experience of this but do recall an NCT friend having this problem between her DD and another NCT lady's son - both close in age and about 4-5 when this occurred. It appeared that the boy would hit the girl and generally make things unpleasant for her. My friend tried the usual tactics but eventually had a quiet chat with the mother explaining that she didn't feel her daughter was enjoying the play-dates as they would invariably end in her getting whalloped and that, whilst she would still be happy to catch upo with a the mother over a coffee now and again, that maybe it would be a good idea to do this when the children were engaged elsewhere - playgroup, nursery etc. In time the boy's behaviour mellowed but it was the right thing to do to take her DD out of that loop - it teaches the other child that their actions have consequences and it reinforces to your DD that they are important and valuable and others do not have the right to hurt them. I, like you, have always told my own DS not to hit back etc but, there comes a time when you have to add a codocil: that whilst it is not right to hit back it is equally not right to be so passive that they are mistreated. Take your DD out of the loop with this other child and move forward. She doesn't need that type of 'friend'.

oldandgreynow · 11/06/2010 16:09

Why do you think the other girl is hitting her? What happened immediately before the incident in the car?

Original poster

Sammiez · 11/06/2010 16:33

In the car(their car),she said my dd asked to see one of her books and she didn't want to give it to her. She is with me now and she has hit my two year old on the head because she said she broke one of our toys(this has been broken before my two year old was born!) It isn't just my daughter she does it to and I had mentioned earlier in the thread that at first I asked my friend to ask her dd if there is something my dd does she doesn't like and the girl said nothing.

letsblowthistacostand,exactly! I tell people that my kids are no angels and are far from perfect but they have boundaries they are aware of.

Colliecross,I am beginning to feel very guilty and very used. Just before picking her dd and mine up today,she called me to ask if I could pick her girl up on MOnday. If I am such a great 'help' to her,why then does she let her dd get away with stuff especailly hitting.

OP posts:

Manda25 · 11/06/2010 16:34

ooo I was at Willows on Monday and i only moved in to the area a year ago too.

Your situation is a tough one. I think that because you look after this other girl you are with in your rights to pull her aside and firmly tell her she is not to touch your child any more.... i would properly even tell the mum that was what i was intending to do....and i am not talking about being mean to a kid here btw.

qk · 11/06/2010 16:38

Haven't read the whole thread, but when I was little, my mum's best friend had a daughter who is a year younger than me. My mum and her best friend were brilliant friends before they had any children and remain so to this day (in their 60s). It would have been nice if I could have been friends with my mum's friend's daughter but she really just did not like me, I remember her getting a full 1.5L bottle of lemonade, pouring herself a glass and refusing to allow me a glass of it. It was just low level nonsense like that, but I really could never enjoy playing with her. Sometimes you just have to accept that just because you are friends with someone, it doesn't mean your kids will play well together.

It is really sad as we all still live close together and I get on with my mum's friend, but still the daughter is very icy with me (she's 30!!!!!). I will never know why.

Colliecross · 11/06/2010 16:46

It is not unkind to make the boundaries very clear to this child; after all she will soon have no friends.She needs to learn that her actions will have a consequence.

Try for eye contact while speaking very sternly. If she cries, well, so what? You know it is a ruse to avoid consequences.
If a serious attempt to establish house rules is ignored,I would not have the children together any more.
Any one who hits a baby on the head deserves a rocket; I know she is only 5 but she can't be allowed to carry on.
I agree with Manda that the situation is very tough on you.

Original poster

Sammiez · 11/06/2010 16:48

qK Not trying to trivalise your situation but do you know it would have been easier for me if it was just about not sharing?

I find it very hard not to like a child,very hard and my friends,including this one,say,'oh you are so lovely with kids'blah blah blah but the truth is that very sadly I do not like my friend's dd anymore

Knowing how she is with her dd,if this case was the other way around,we wouldn't have been friends anymore

OP posts:

Colliecross · 11/06/2010 16:54

Looking back at this quite detailed thread, do you think your friend might soon learn how you feel? Just a thought?

Original poster

Sammiez · 11/06/2010 17:13

I know... I am seeing her today second time after Monday. I don't know how to hide my feelings so she would suspect anyway if I do not say anything.
I feel bad that I haven't always felt this way,ignoring my dd's feelings. I just had had it on Monday

OP posts:

Original poster

Sammiez · 11/06/2010 17:14

I posted to know if I was being unreasonable in any way. Thanks to you all

OP posts:

oldandgreynow · 11/06/2010 17:15

Why not just arrange to meet up with the friend in schooltime?

Original poster

Sammiez · 11/06/2010 17:24

It is okay in telling her we should meet up during school time. It is intelling her the reasons that make me cringe. I have to tell her why. I know she knows but just can't face/accept it or something

OP posts:

GeekOfTheWeek · 11/06/2010 19:50

Just tell her the truth. You have no reason to be embarassed at all. You have to put your dd first and all this is unfair on her.

Btw, I think your friend is a cheeky cow expecting you to provide childcare.

Colliecross · 11/06/2010 20:13

So do I actually

LittleSilver · 11/06/2010 21:36

And I.

sleepingsowell · 11/06/2010 21:59

In my experience the only children are the ones who share best and don't hit (because they don't have a sibling to 'whack' or be whacked by!) I'm certain it's nothing to do with whether this child has a sibling or not, it's completely about this woman's inability to deal with her child.

I think if this was me and a real friend, I would be honest and tell her I was really at the end of my tether with her daughter's hitting and not prepared to let it happen any more. I'd try to agree a plan of action including consequences for you and she to give the child if any unwanted behaviour happens. And make it clear to both girls what the rules are.

Other than that if not such a good friend, I would simply stop putting my child in that position and not see them any more.

MindySimmons · 11/06/2010 22:07

Have gone through very similar, slightly more complicate as it's the dd of my best friend since school so very difficult to just cut the ties, but what you've described is very similar.

In the end, I have on occasion had to tell my friend we can;t see her for a while, really really tough but similar to what you've said, she just didn't know how to discipline her.

We've limited how often we go round (my friend would like it to be all the time! But I limit it to rough once every two weeks) and now I quite often take the lead and make it clear to her dd it's unacceptable. It's generally better but if she goes through a 'phase' then I remove dd from the situation and we leave the visits for a while. Although you can't go in and save your dd from every situation, what you've described is rather extreme and I think you need to show your dd that this type of behaviour is absolutely not acceptable under any circumstances.

BTW just to add, my dd is the only and my friend's dd is one of two!

Original poster

Sammiez · 12/06/2010 06:07

Hmmm... So now I see the 'only child' excuse I had been making is wrong. My OH believes her other friends have had to stay away because of her dd's behaviour. His reasoning is she must have other friends she could keep her dd with on evenings she can't pick her up at 3.15 especially as we have only been friends for less than a year.
When she got to us yesterday to pick her dd up,I noticed a very slight improvement. She would explain to her why it was wrong to hit or why she had to share.

Although,tbh her dd has gone past the stage of just explaining gently to her. When she hit my 2year old,I told her very firmly that she wasn't allowed to hit in my house and she didn't hit again until her mum got here. She knows she has got her mum round her little finger,and her dad sadly(which was why I thought it was an 'only child' thing).

Yesterday,one of the times she hit my dd her mum said,'oh you have been spending too much time playing with boys(like it was excusable behaviour) and then asked my dd if she played if boys as well and my dd said yes. That shut her up!

Whether she's improved or not,we need a break from them because I find myself secretly willing my dd to hit her back

OP posts:

Original poster

Sammiez · 12/06/2010 06:24

Another thing that kind of annoyed yesterday was when my friend got here she told me she worked from home yesterday! I picked her dd up thinking she was at work and couldn't make it back from work. I believe she knows she cannot work while her dd is around. Maybe I am too extreme in my parenting but I do not think I would have to keep my kids away while I worked at home.
I am still feeling very hurt so I may not be very rational and objective though...

OP posts:

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