In thinking 'I have had enough with friend's dd'?

[Sammiez]

Hello everyone!
My friend's dd is driving me crazy at the moment. She hits my daughter in my house,when we are at their's,in the park,everywhere/anywhere. Last week,we went to Willow's farm and she wouldn't share a trampoline with my daughter,yelling at her to go on another one. She hit her at least 3times that day,the last one in the car on our way back and my dd's lip cracked and bled
It has always happened but my friend has never been firm with her. Sometimes,her dd does it and then quickly burst into tears saying,'I am so sorry! Do you still love me?' and her mum reassures her immediately forgetting what she has done.
Last year,when we visited them,she was going to hit my dd with a wooden toy on the head and fortunately my hand got in the way and it hit me instead. It hurt for about two days! All that time,I used to tell my dd to ignore her. She hits my dd and then says my dd hit her. Now my dd bursts into tears saying,'she is making it up'. My dd does not hit and has never hit her back but I am tempted to tell her to hit her back but do not want her to form the habit and then I regret asking her to.
Want to speak with my friend but do not know what to say or how to start because I do not want my dd around this girl anymore! Friend is very very lovely but cannot jeopardize my dd.
Please any advice?
Thanks very much

Just say to her that youve got a lot going on and will have to cut down on some of the stuff you have been doing and so you arent in a position to be able to collect her dd anymore.

Then enjoy the extra time with your dd.

Your friend is hardly thinking of you when she allows her dd to get away with bullying your poor child.

I can't blame you for feeling you want a break, I would too... all I'd say is let your friend know it's becaue the kids aren't getting on and if she wanted some help in dealing with her dd, you'd be there for her. Ball would be in her court then.

Maybe a break for a couple of weeks would help the mum see sense and she's seek support or start trying to deal with the prob.

I wonder if she really doesn't know how to parent??? She keeps telling me how mature and well behaved my dd is sometimes and that she wishes her dd could be like that. Maybe I am still angry but isn't that enough to do something about it?
Her dd hits her sometimes too,cries when she is asked to share,take turns,etc.
At Willows,they all got medals(gold panning) and she lost hers. They all had to look for it and when they couldn't find it,my dd said,'don't worry,x you can have mine' and she gave her her own medal. People looked at me smiling like,'oh you should be so proud of your girl' but I wasn't. I was livid. She didn't deserve it. Ten minutes after that,she hit my dd on the face and her lips cracked.
I love her mum still by the way but my family is my first concern.

My dd is 5 and does not behave like that towrds others.

Personally i would not be seeing this girl again and certainly not collecting her from school.

Your own dd needs to come first. She is being bullied and the bully is getting away with it.

Fwiw I have had a similar situation a few years ago with a friends ds. I no longer see this child as his behaviour was/is appalling. I still see my friend, just without dcs as imo it was unfair to my dc's to have to associate with him.

I really would keep my child away from this little girl.
The instant crying and 'Do you still love me?' is a successful strategy for doing as she likes with no repercussions - and it is working.
The mother seems to me to be perfectly aware of what her daughter does, but holds your daughter (and you) in very low esteem. Your child?s feelings do not seem to matter to her.
Find another friend for your little girl - starting a new activity may be the way to do this tactfully. Perhaps the age difference could be an excuse too.
Can you socialise with your friend in school hours, but be busy with something else afterwards, so the children don't meet.
A break from each other may enable them to spend time together again in the future.

Thanks very very much everyone. Thanks! I feel so much better now and in control.
This is my first post ever here as I didn't know where to turn and you have all helped me so much. Thanks so very much.
I am actually writing the tips out now and the book. Thanks everyone.
Funny,my dd now has her own friendship group at school and no problems there at all. One of them visited the other day and no trouble at all.

i think this girl's behaviour is an attempt to get attention and with no firm boundaries she escalates it. I really don't think you can blame the child

... but that doesn't mean you shouldn't put your DD frst, as i said before. Very frustrating

Definately put your child first. If you don't, no one else will.

If friend asks what the problem is I would be honest. Her dd bullies yours and she does nothing.

Not sure how much of a friend she is, as by the sounds of it she doesn't give a shit about your feelings or your dd's.

Does she use you for free childcare while she works?

Is it really normal for children to go around thumping each other? It isn't something I have seen and certainly DD has never hit another child (though she has walloped me a couple of times during a tantrum).

Callisto - of course! Nice children from nice families go through stages of it - although usually not once they are 5.

DS2 used to hit and bit (Aaagh). Bit of a shocj=k for me when DS1 had been the opposite

Certainly it needs dealing with

bite

Geekof the Week :That's why I blame myself. I am now beginning to question her relationship with us. TBH this is the only issue I have with her. When my dd didn't seem to be settling in at school(i did not realise at the time that her dd contributed to this) and I was struggling with my husband I became depressed and she would really take time to listen when I needed someone to talk to. Besides the kids,she is okay.
That's why I have really struggled with this.
I pick her dd up fromtime to time and she is here with us till about 6 or 7pm when her mum returns.
Will have a word with her this weekend. I will pick her daughter up today and tell my dd to try to stay away as much as possible

Callisto,tbh this is the first time I have seen one this bad. One day,she had an issue with something she actually started hitting herself continously on the head.
My friend says she has no specail needs(one time I tried to talk to her about it). I think it depends on boundries and dealing with it and not allowing ourselves to be manipulated by our kids. I feel sorry for my friend now but when I remember that she has never given me a call to apologise over something her dd has done to my dd,I harden again

Callisto - also, children who are very unhappy or being hit themselves can "act out" their anger on others

I think you need to stop picking her up. 3.30 to 7pm is a long time to be providing free childcare.

I bet it feels even longer for your dd being bullied in her own home.

If your frienship is worth anything it will survive you meeting without dcs.

Sometimes just a sharp "uh-uh" as you would a naughty puppy, the sort of noise that makes them jump, just before they do the naughty thing, can be enough - like aversion training! You can normally read in their faces or body language if they're about to do something they shouldn't

Plus a firm "We don't hit"

and praising when she does play nicely

although why parenting her should fall to you I don't know, but maybe modelling discipline to your friend will give her the confidence to do it herself? And also giving your dd the tools to say loudly, "No, don't hit, it's nasty" also gives your dd more control and draws adult attention to any nasty behaviour.

Jamieandhis magictouch,that is one thing this girl is not. My friend doesn't smack at all.

I will definitely have a word this weekend. Yes if the friendship is worth anything,it will survive. My OH has told me to do something about it asap.

Sammiez - wasn't meaning to imply that - just replying to Callisto

Dinahrod, I am honestly tired of 'parenting' her.

I try to teach my dd to be assertive and though it is taking her ages to be assertive,i have seen very small steps being taken so I will just keep encouraging her.

Another thing I didn't mention which made it difficult for me to be mad and be indifferent for too long is this little girl is my friend's only child. I still feel it will break her heart and that's why she is probably living in denial

Oh that's okay Jamieandhismagictouch. I was just trying to give the 'whole' picture to be as fair as I can.
Thanks

At that age and a bit younger, my friend's dd used to pull ds3's hair all the time. Her mum did intervene and told her off, and tried to keep her away from my ds3. She even used to put her dd in the highchair, so ds3 could play without having his hair pulled - but then he'd go and stand by the highchair where she could reach him.

It never caused a problem between me and my friend, because she saw it as a problem, and did her best to deal with it. Your friend needs to do the same.

Has anyone found 'only children' to be like this? If so, I'ld understand more?

Not that I'ld keep seeing her but won't be so mad. Personally I do not see it as an excuse but just want to know

No, I don't think it necessarily has anything to do with her being an only child - except possibly, in this case the mother is inexperienced in knowing how to deal with the behaviour assertively, has nothing to compare it with, and may be inclined to be defensive because it's her PFB