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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend made paedo comment...am I oversensitive?

56 replies

bluenosebear · 10/06/2010 13:36

I was talking to an old friend about my new neigbours. They're a couple slightly older than us with 3 daughters. We've had dinner with them, been out to lunch time drinks, spent evenings round theirs etc. The younger 2 girls I don't see a lot, but the older one (17) my husband and I see a lot as our gardens are quite exposed and she's always out in theirs as we are in ours. Usually we have a quick nod and a "hello" before carrying on with our day. Recently my DH got chatting to her, and found that she is really into similar video games to him, and has a fab sense of humour. She's basically me, but 15 years ago! It's all very nice and friendly, and it's great we have neigbhours we get on with. so when they went away for the week leaving the DD alone, I thought nothing of offering her a meal one night. She came over for a few hours, played with our DD and stayed a little past our DD's bed time. We had a bit of a nostalgia evening (oldies that we are) playing old video games.

In chatting to this old friend, I explained how great it was to have friendly neigbours, and how well we all get on, surprisingly enough even with the 17 year old (kids these days, you know) when my friend made a comment about us grooming her! I was shocked, and actually felt a little sick, and still feel really uneasy about what he said. AIBU to still be stewing on this weeks later, or should I just forget the off the cuff comment?

How would you feel if you were our neighbours? I thought they liked that we all got on, that there was someone here for her daughter if she needed us and they weren't there. We all chat over a glass of wine over the fence and my DD asks to see her DD's and her dogs! I'm doubting myself, wondering if all my friends have to be in my age group, and if having young friends is inappropriate! Am I unknowingly crossing a line here? Or do you think my friend was out of order?

OP posts:
bumpybecky · 10/06/2010 13:38

you friend is out of order! madness

SomeGuy · 10/06/2010 13:39

tell him to fuck off.

diamondsandtiaras · 10/06/2010 13:39

No you are not crossing a line. It sounds like your friend made a joke in very poor taste. Think no more of it and forget it happened.

54321 · 10/06/2010 13:40

agree totally with bumpybecky.

Firawla · 10/06/2010 13:42

your friend is pretty rude
what did you say? i dont think i would just ignore that tbh, how dare she say that its really offensive
it doesnt sound anything particularly wrong, 17 is almost an adult anyway so the paedo thing doesnt make a lot of sense
it is nice to be friendly with neighbours, and good to be able to get on with different age groups, i have a friend 20 years older than me we get on great, what is the problem. especially that you're all friendly as a family, if its someones dh inviting 17 yr old round behind wifes back that would be slightly different

monkeyfacegrace · 10/06/2010 13:44

Very sick world we live in. When I was 18 and had just bought my first home, my neighbours were lovely, always bringing me round dinner, chatting, coming for a chinese etc.
I was grateful to be looked after, nothing more nothing less.
Tell your 'friend' to go do something useful like pop their head in an oven

bluenosebear · 10/06/2010 13:45

Oh thank god! I thought you were all going to tell me I was asking for trouble! At the time I did ignore it, just sort of laughed it off in a really "that's not funny" way.

OP posts:
ladysybil · 10/06/2010 13:45

your friend is totally out of order.
however.
a word of caution. he actually has a kernel of truth in what he is saying, except he has it all backwards and twisted and not at all like a friend.
its wonderful that you are all getting on so well, and long may it last. but, be careful, very careful, that others dont get the wrong end of the stick. 17 year old girls can be, not always, but some can be quite impressionable, and immature, and may make comments that others could interpret inappropriately. even your own comment on here, about her being you 15 years ago could be twisted into something sick and horrible.

ignore this so called friend, but be careful about this new friendship.

lisianthus · 10/06/2010 13:45

That is a revolting thing for your friend to say. You are lucky to get on well with your neighbours.

giveittomebabylikeboomboomboom · 10/06/2010 13:51

Your friend has a very nasty, dirty mind. Think his comment says more about him than it does about you.

slouchingtowardswaitrose · 10/06/2010 13:54

What Lady said.

I personally found your comment re you 15 years ago a bit red flag.

Plus - and I know I'm about to get flamed - beware the combination of husband with mid-life crisis + 17 year old neighbour girl who thinks he's cool.

I was a 17 year old cool girl once, please trust me.

AhLaVache · 10/06/2010 13:54

Stupid thing to say.

To be honest though I would find it odd if you and your dh refer to this girl as your friend as opposed to your friends' daughter.

Nothing to do with grooming or paedophilia (!) just that I think friendship requires a certain amount of eqaulity which I think would be lacking here due to the ages. Having said that I wouldn't really give it much thought, its just that you are asking the question iyswim?

thesecondcoming · 10/06/2010 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LynetteScavo · 10/06/2010 14:00

Your friend is sick in the head.

I think it's nice that you invited her round for a meal when she was on her own for a week. She's hardly "hanging out" with you

bluenosebear · 10/06/2010 14:03

I'm pretty sure I only refer to her as my neighbors kid, or as my friends child. As for the "me 15 years ago" comment, I was trying to explain why I felt we got on, more to do with having things in common. And just to address Thesecondcoming's post, she doesn't "hang out" with us. She came over once for a meal when her parents were away. It was me that offered, because I remember being alone at that age, and wanting some company!

And my husband having a mid life crisis? He's not yet mid life!

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 10/06/2010 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sammyuni · 10/06/2010 14:12

Well she is 17 years old so how does paedophilia come into it(it means interest prepubescent children)

The comment is silly and just rude,the only issue is that she is like you when you was younger and seems to get on well with your husband she might have a crush on him.

bluenosebear · 10/06/2010 14:15

No not at all Thesecondcoming, just trying to clarify a couple of points. Though I will say your assumption isn't true. I understand what you're saying about having a crush.

OP posts:
AhLaVache · 10/06/2010 14:19

Sorry Bluenosebear - my comments about referring to her as your friend were based on this
"I'm doubting myself, wondering if all my friends have to be in my age group, and if having young friends is inappropriate!"
I read it as though you considered her to be a friend and not just your neighbours daughter who you kept an eye on. Apologies if I misread.

bluenosebear · 10/06/2010 14:21

I see where that came from AhLaVache! No, what I meant was that I feel now as if all friends have to be my age.

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 10/06/2010 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kaloki · 10/06/2010 14:31

I wouldn't have thought you were being unreasonable, but then our friend's 14 year old son is often around ours playing computer games with me and DP (little git keeps beating us!)

Never thought of it as strange before.

bluenosebear · 10/06/2010 14:33

I ask this in all honesty and not to start an argument, I want to use your experience - where are you seeing ulterior motives? We say hi to the whole family on a daily basis, the meal was a one off keeping an eye on her sort of thing. I understand you have a teenage DD, (and yes I had questionable crushes when younger!) so what are you referring to when you say "carry this on"? Do you mean the meal? My DH is the biggest softie and most naive bloke you can imagine, if she came onto him he'd have the shock of his life!

OP posts:
bluenosebear · 10/06/2010 14:36

Um, when I say "where are you seeing ulterior motives" I don't mean that you're randomly seeing them and making them up, I mean what looks like a motive? Please tell me because I can be as bad at spotting these things as my DH!

OP posts:
QSincognitoErgoSum · 10/06/2010 14:36

You come across a bit like you are gushing with excitement over this new friendship, maybe flattered that she wants to spend time with you? Maybe vistfully thinking back to the YOU you once were?

I think the friend was possibly trying to ask you to be cautious, but did so in a very clumsy and rude way.

We have had 17 and 18 year old au pairs in the house, and NO WAY would my husband (who is 37) feel that he has anything in common with either of them, nor would he think back to me and him a decade or two ago... His interaction with them has been nothing but "polite distant" and friendly.

I also think you might want to consider cooling it a little. I am sure you are just nice and friendly, but leave it at that.

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