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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend made paedo comment...am I oversensitive?

56 replies

bluenosebear · 10/06/2010 13:36

I was talking to an old friend about my new neigbours. They're a couple slightly older than us with 3 daughters. We've had dinner with them, been out to lunch time drinks, spent evenings round theirs etc. The younger 2 girls I don't see a lot, but the older one (17) my husband and I see a lot as our gardens are quite exposed and she's always out in theirs as we are in ours. Usually we have a quick nod and a "hello" before carrying on with our day. Recently my DH got chatting to her, and found that she is really into similar video games to him, and has a fab sense of humour. She's basically me, but 15 years ago! It's all very nice and friendly, and it's great we have neigbhours we get on with. so when they went away for the week leaving the DD alone, I thought nothing of offering her a meal one night. She came over for a few hours, played with our DD and stayed a little past our DD's bed time. We had a bit of a nostalgia evening (oldies that we are) playing old video games.

In chatting to this old friend, I explained how great it was to have friendly neigbours, and how well we all get on, surprisingly enough even with the 17 year old (kids these days, you know) when my friend made a comment about us grooming her! I was shocked, and actually felt a little sick, and still feel really uneasy about what he said. AIBU to still be stewing on this weeks later, or should I just forget the off the cuff comment?

How would you feel if you were our neighbours? I thought they liked that we all got on, that there was someone here for her daughter if she needed us and they weren't there. We all chat over a glass of wine over the fence and my DD asks to see her DD's and her dogs! I'm doubting myself, wondering if all my friends have to be in my age group, and if having young friends is inappropriate! Am I unknowingly crossing a line here? Or do you think my friend was out of order?

OP posts:
Booboobedoo · 10/06/2010 14:47

bluenosebear - I really wouldn't worry about this if I were you. Even if she does have a crush on your DH, so what?

I would only act on something if I had a pretty strong suspicion based on behaviour I had witnessed, not kill a nice new neighbourly relationship out of fear of judgment.

By the time I was seventeen I was friends with lots of my parents' friends, and used to go to the theatre etc with some of them without my parents.

I'm still friends with them now at 34.

Life's too short to be searching for impenetrable ulterior motives.

marantha · 10/06/2010 14:49

OP, can I be honest here? I've just read another thread here where a mother of a 3-year-old girl is worried that the child MIGHT be displaying signs of abuse.
It has upset me (it would upset anyone) but it does give me a bit more clarity to answer THIS thread.

I suspect this friendship is innocent, but, you know what, even IF it isn't your husband would NOT be a "paedo" for having a crush on a 17-year-old girl. A 17-year-old is a young adult (young but an ADULT) it is ludicrous to suggest that he is a "paedo".

Your friend is highly, highly unreasonable.
I would personally tell your friend to um, get lost.

bluenosebear · 10/06/2010 14:52

Thank you Booboo! I'm sorry if I've given the impression we see lots and lots of our neigbours kids. It was just the older daughter once for a meal. We see far more of our neighbours as I said, going out for drinks and meals. I'm not sure why people are assuming she has a crush on my DH, or that she hangs out with us. I've read back through and I'm not sure where I have said that.

OP posts:
bluenosebear · 10/06/2010 14:55

Marantha sorry x-posts. That's a horrible thing for a mother to have to worry about. I am a bit concerned that people are implying the worst, and that there is any friendship going on with my DH beyond being neighbourly with the kid!

OP posts:
LimaCharlie · 10/06/2010 15:02

your friend is BVU - hadn't thought of any issues until others started mentioning teen crushes and I remembered totally OTT crushes that I had on lots of people

marantha · 10/06/2010 15:04

Your friend sounds a bit of a pain in the butt, OP, I am pretty sure that your (and hubby's) friendship with girl is innocent,
but she is not a "Kid" she is a young woman and the "grooming" comment is totally out of order.
The "worst" here wouldn't be that your husband is a "paedo" it would be that he is an adulterer. I think most people would agree with me on this. Really I do.
Sorry, OP, I'm not being much help, am I.

It's just that you wrote you were upset about friend's comment and I've answered honestly and said that I think he (your mate) is out-of-order.

BritFish · 10/06/2010 15:07

well, i would not be concerned, more curious to why my neighbours wanted to hang out with my 17 year old. but the gaming thing makes sense, my 17 year old is way better than me and DH..

but "She's basically me, but 15 years ago" worries me only because that could potentially be very appealing to her as a way getting in with your husband. thats obviously the worst case scenario. i know if a 17 year old version of my DH turned up id be paying him to do hot and sweaty gardening tasks with his shirt off.
[thinks about how creepy that sounds. figures as its her own husband, shes okay with it ]

mayorquimby · 10/06/2010 15:32

I don't think he's BU, he made a joke which you didn't find funny because you obviously have different senses of humor.
yanbu to not find it funny etc.
I wouldn't stew on it any longer than that though tbh.

porcamiseria · 10/06/2010 15:35

marnatha that thread has really upset me too

ChippingIn · 10/06/2010 15:38

No, you're not being oversensitive, your friend is being a stupid, thoughtless, GIT.

One set of my closest friends are about 16 years older than me, we first became friends when I was a teenager and they were in their 30's, married and they soon had a child. Nothing weird or sinister?! Their son is my godson, I'm his 'Other Mum' (the one he runs to when he's in trouble with his actual Mum ) There is pretty much the same age gap between me and my godson as there is between me & them! We are all friends...

Some people will make trouble where there is none - don't worry over it!!

haoshiji · 10/06/2010 15:46

Wow, how this thread has veered to the negative. lol. Your friend made a shit joke, is this out of character though or does he do that a lot.?

That sort of joke coming from one friend of mine would be not funny but the sort of thing they say, others it would be odd?

More shocking is people assuming it's some kind of awkward 'friendship' between your husband and said girl. If he took her out bowling once a week and you caught him bumming the neighbour?s dog then ok fair comment but a one off meal - surely that is just being nice... non?

BuzzingNoise · 10/06/2010 15:50

slouchingtowrdswaitrose's post hit the nail on the head for me.

bluenosebear · 10/06/2010 15:51

Wow I come back and there's a page 2! Britfish, you're allowed to perv over your own DH ;).

Haosjiji the comment was way, way out of character. It's why it's still in my head in all my years of knowing him he's never said anything like it, which is why I had a hard time shaking it. I don't know why people are assuming a friendship between my DH and the girl, it's ME that invited her over, and ME that saw similarities. I've never discussed it with DH. And I have to doubt she has any sort of crush on him, I thinks she thinks he's a bit old!

OP posts:
OctaviaH · 10/06/2010 15:59

it was obviously just a joke and you are being oversensitive imho.

The relationship with your neighbours sounds lovely and the 17year old probably sees you as cool surrogate aunt and uncle. Nothing pervy about that, is there?

bluenosebear · 10/06/2010 16:01

TY OctaviaH, I will accept the MN judgement I have been a bit oversensitive to what was probably meant to be a (bad) joke.

OP posts:
LoveBeing34 · 10/06/2010 16:07

I think it says more about your friends than it does about you!

BritFish · 11/06/2010 01:52

i was flicking through some old photos at the in-laws house, found a picture of the family at a BBQ and felt really bad for perving at DH's brother until i realised it was him at 18......

DemonChild · 11/06/2010 07:21

This makes me really angry. When I was 19 I met the couple who would become my best friends. They were 33 and 31 at the time, it was a very equal friendship and we are still close friends and they are godparents to my DD.

I (and they) had to put up with insinuations and comments from so many people (because of course the only reason I must be friends with them was so I could shag him...)

Not all young people have ulterior motives, I'm not saying you should become best mates with this girl, but I do think it's possible for friendships to cross generational lines.

Oh, and YANBU, btw. What a horrible thing to say.

Goblinchild · 11/06/2010 08:05

Friend is ridiculous.
My two teens have friends of all ages, my son has more friends who are adults than of his own age, as he has Asperger's, adults with a shared interest are often far more tolerant and less into pack trends than his peers.
You sound like great neighbours, just keep everything light and above board then no one will get confused about what the relationship is.
Please don't be put off by hysterical 'humour'

Bucharest · 11/06/2010 08:18

I wouldn't be worried at all about the paedo thing, I'd be ever so slightly concerned that teenage girl had crush on dh. But obviously you know this girl better than we do, so if you're happy about the situation then I wouldn't worry.

piscesmoon · 11/06/2010 08:22

If my 17 yr old was left alone at home I would think that it was extremely kind for neighbours to offer him a meal-playing games is a natural extension. It is sad when people can't be friendly across the age range, without it being misconstrued.

EricNorthmansmistress · 11/06/2010 08:22

OP is 32, not 85! At 17 I used to babysit for couples this age and quite often would sit and have a cuppa with one or the other while they were getting ready to go out/kids to bed. I wouldn't say we were 'friends' but liked each others' company. OP's friend is a rude twat.

clams · 11/06/2010 08:28

Many men are attracted to 17 year old women. That's why pornography with 17 year olds is more prevalent than pornography featuring women in their mid 30s who've had a couple of kids. Irritating biological truth.

Some 17 year old women can get inappropriate crushes. Some might flirt with older men at a time when they are hormonal and insecure/are realising the power they can attract men with/are not old enough to realise the consequences of a family breakdown.

Not all men are as soft and naive as they're given credit for.

This doesn't mean you, DH or neighbour has or will do anything wrong. But to ignore these factors is silly.

Your friend made a very poorly-worded warning. But an old friend may be worried for reasons we're unaware of (that you're overly trusting by nature for example). An old friend is probably trying to clumsily flag a potential problem than offend.

EcoMouse · 11/06/2010 08:59

When I was younger (ugh!) we often had 'family friends' where all members of one family might be considered friends and so welcomed by all members of our family, regardless of age, IYSWIM.

When I was in my teens, I liked to have those older-but-not-as-old-as-my-parents 'friends' to turn to and occasionally spend time with. I enjoyed their company and it was good to feel welcome, their guidance often proved to be priceless too - all entirely innocent!

It's a shame that families and communities can't seem to mix in the same way now, without risk of condemnation. 'My friends teenagers' (family friends, as far as I'm concerned) will always be welcome in my home!

SirBoobAlot · 11/06/2010 09:19

Sounds like your friend made a comment which was probably supposed to be funny, but was very poor taste. Think no more of it.

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