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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset by DS1's lack of party invitations?

72 replies

mydoorisalwaysopen · 09/06/2010 17:25

I think probably IABU but it kind of niggles me that DS1 hardly ever gets invited to parties. Today I discovered that he's not invited to a particular child's party (I know the boy's mum has persuaded him to invite other kids and I wonder why not mine - the boys get on well together, me and the mum are friends...my DS usually invites him AND his brother to his parties so his brother doesn't get left out). Obviously I think DS1 is a gorgeous boy - maybe others don't agree .

DS doesn't seem remotely bothered - it's just me. I think I know IABU but some sensible words to prevent paranoia would be appreciated

OP posts:

frogetyfrog · 09/06/2010 17:29

How old is your ds.

If he isnt bothered then please dont let it affect you. Its not worth it. Its no reflection on you at all. It is possible your ds is not the most popular boy around but then who needs more than a few friends anyway and as long as he is happy does it matter.

more · 09/06/2010 17:29

How old is he?

potplant · 09/06/2010 17:29

Ihave no sensible words but I feel the same. I have DTs. One is invited to the opening of an envelope (usually without his bro) the other has had only one all year - which was a all class invite.

Its awful when he cries cos his 'best friend' (it changes every week)is having a party and doesn't invite him. I wonder if its because I don't get involved in the school mum's clique at this age mum's do the inviting not the DCs I think.

Still makes me sad though

sarah293 · 09/06/2010 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MumNWLondon · 09/06/2010 17:46

At my DC's school there is a policy of inviting all the children (can invite just the girls / boys as appropriate if don't want 30 kids) and I am glad the school has this policy as the situation in the OP doesn't arise - also would be no question about child in wheelchair, they would always be included.

Does mean need to invite 15 kids (ie all the children of that gender) to the party but they didn't all come so it was 12 which was fine.

Original poster

mydoorisalwaysopen · 09/06/2010 17:48

He is 5, nearly 6 so he's been doing his own invite list - he struggles to come up with more than a few friends he wants at the party although the boy who hasn't invited him is on his list. I don't let him know about parties he hasn't been invited to - I'm sure the kids all talk about it at school so he'll be aware of it but I don't say anything (I don't want him to end up as paranoid as me).

My fear is that he is ostracised because is not very good at school work and requires extra help. I'm hoping however that that's another paranoid notion.

Thanks tho - it's good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

OP posts:

frogetyfrog · 09/06/2010 17:48

Cant see how a school can have a policy. It is a family decision who to invite as most parties are out of school????

LutyensCBA · 09/06/2010 17:50

Riven that's awful of them! One of dd's classmates is in a wheelchair (cerebral palsy) and she has been invited to most of the class parties, including dd's. It's not like you need to re-construct your house or church hall to accommodate a child in a wheelchair

OP, I have no real advice, but I do want to sympathise as I know how it feels. DD is friendly with many children but isn't anyone's best friend (except in her head iyswim?) and gets frequently passed over for parties, except all-class ones. As most mums here tend to invite just 5-6 children, it's easy for dd to be cut out off the list.

I try not to let it bother me, and remind myself there are more important things in life. DD isn't the least bit bothered, but that may change with time. If dd is bothered by it, then that would break my heart

skeletonbones · 09/06/2010 17:53

My littlest hasnt had a party invite all year either. I put it down to her playing mostly with a couple of people, one who didnt have a party this year as mum was v busy with a brand new baby and the other child doesn't have his birthday till August. she never gets invited to the big parties as shes quite shy, and when it was her birthday she chose to have two friends round and go out to the cinema and for tea. Maybe theyre arnt as many parties as you think if a lot of others are doing the 'take one friend for a treat with birthday child' thing and he's just not been invited to the couple of big parties there have been?

Original poster

mydoorisalwaysopen · 09/06/2010 18:03

Another mum makes sure I know about the parties her son has been invited to so I know he has not been invited to a few (and then she says "oh, sorry isn't DS1 going, I shouldn't have mentioned it, I know how much it upsets you" - because I once asked her if her DS had been invited to many parties. This school year he has been to his best friend's party and an all class party (a girl's party) - there are 45 kids in the year and about 30 of them are boys.

This is definitely more about me than DS1 tho, isn't it? He is happy, gets on well with the other kids, and is beginning to make some progress at school.

OP posts:

MumNWLondon · 09/06/2010 18:53

The school has a policy that you can't hand out invites on their premises if you don't invite all the kids, because it would be upsetting for those not inviting and they "urge" parents not to have parties where they don't invite the class (ok just to invite all the kids of that gender). Some people have done joint parties which reduces the cost as well.

So yes you could post the invites to some of the kids, but no one has done this.

deaddei · 09/06/2010 18:59

Any school which suggested I invite the whole class or the children of that gender would get short shrift from me.
I have only ever had small parties of my dc's friends -ie those whose mothers I know/socialise with and can physically give a party invite too.
Putting party invites in bookbags is not the remit of a school- as adults, people should sort it out themselves.

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 09/06/2010 19:02

at people who would invite one DT and not the other

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 09/06/2010 19:02

I could never do this. Ds has only ever had one party, we invited the whole class (and the child that was always in trouble) because we didn't want to leave anyone else, we also invited siblings (I'm a mug).

victoriascrumptious · 09/06/2010 19:05

This is tragic. I think in cases where your child is in class with less than 20kids then it's really bad manners and cruel for a mum not to invite every child there.

Either invite one close friend for a day out or invite the whole class.

Takver · 09/06/2010 19:09

I think that's overstating it a little, victoriascrumptious. Not sure why it is awful for a child to have their 4 or 5 particular friends to their birthday party.

Agree if you invite 15 out of 20 then that is unreasonable, but if only a handful, what's the problem?

DramaInPyjamas · 09/06/2010 19:11

My little girl didn't get an invite to one particular party.. not because the children had a problem with each other, they got on great (the party girl really wanted DD to attend - nursery staff told me), but because the mum doesn't get on with me that much.
How childish is that!

Don't worry OP. (:

deaddei · 09/06/2010 19:12

Agree Takver- I must be very cruel. (and rude)
I couldn't afford a huge party anyway- nor do I want 30 gifts, or every weekend taken up with parties. Parties should be special for your own child- not every Tom, Dick or Harry coming if they aren't friends!

deaddei · 09/06/2010 19:14

And my dd was never a hugely "popular" girl in infants- just liked her own small circle of friends, who she saw out of school and went to tea with.
Of course now at 13 she would love a big party.....

victoriascrumptious · 09/06/2010 19:16

Takver: I think because there will always be a few children like the OP's son who will never get invited. I find that really sad

DaftApeth · 09/06/2010 19:16

If the twins are in different classes, I could see how it would be that one would be invited and not the other.

Op, you are right, if you ds is not bothered then try not to let it get to you but I know I would find it hard.

If you do want to increase the invites, maybe try to have a few more friends over for tea after school and 'work' that playground if you are able to be there for drop-off and pick-up. I'm sure there is something to be said fr getting to know the parents, especially when most people do not have whole class parties.

piscesmoon · 09/06/2010 19:26

If he isn't bothered I don't see a problem. I hated parties at that age!

potplant · 09/06/2010 19:27

DaftApeth/Guy - yes DTs are in different classes so there have been some occasions when the parent didn't know they are twins so only invited one. That's fair enough - the universe doesn't revolve around my DCs .

When my DTs had their last party I invited the bf of one DT and his younger sister cos I didn't want her to feel left out. I was so when only one was invited to his party. The left twin one was so upset.

OP - I know that we shouldn't care but its hard not to! I know plenty of adults who hold grudges for years over wedding invites (or lack of). Perhaps we need to do more networking in the playground!

piscesmoon · 09/06/2010 19:28

I try to invite twins as individuals-I think it must be dreaful to always have to be a pair.

pigletmania · 09/06/2010 19:50

for your dd Riven, should not make any difference if a child is disabled or not. To the op, just leave it, if you ds is not bothered dont show him you are. If your ds only has a few friends to invite so be it, will be a nice intimate party, not some big class fest. This happens just find a way of dealing with your feelings.

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