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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset by DS1's lack of party invitations?

72 replies

mydoorisalwaysopen · 09/06/2010 17:25

I think probably IABU but it kind of niggles me that DS1 hardly ever gets invited to parties. Today I discovered that he's not invited to a particular child's party (I know the boy's mum has persuaded him to invite other kids and I wonder why not mine - the boys get on well together, me and the mum are friends...my DS usually invites him AND his brother to his parties so his brother doesn't get left out). Obviously I think DS1 is a gorgeous boy - maybe others don't agree .

DS doesn't seem remotely bothered - it's just me. I think I know IABU but some sensible words to prevent paranoia would be appreciated

OP posts:
pigletmania · 09/06/2010 19:55

Tbh I was desparately shy at school, and hated any big social situation incl parties. Well just as well i did not get invited to many.

justonemorethen · 09/06/2010 20:00

I haven't got the space or money for more than 6 children. We have one living/ dining room and I work full time.
Don't think inviting a whole class is a good idea anyway.It's supposed to be their special day not a street party. Children aren't stupid...they know who their friends are.

veritythebrave · 09/06/2010 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bibbitybobbityhat · 09/06/2010 20:25

My children have never been allowed to invite more than 10 children to their parties. I have never done a whole class party and never will. The children who are invited are the children they want to come (give or take a few nudges of encouragement from me to include certain children they would not necessarily put top of their list).

Original poster
mydoorisalwaysopen · 09/06/2010 20:40

thanks for all your messages. I have just got back from a really lovely bedtime - he really is a very happy person - so glad he's more robust than I am in these matters.

OP posts:
dobbyssocks · 09/06/2010 20:56

DS had 20 at his party but was only allowed 5 friends from pre-school last birthday as he has a lot of friends/cousins outside of pre-school. His school class from September is 30 and there's no way I could or would invite all of them.

lovechoc · 09/06/2010 21:13

what's all the fuss about. it's not quantity but quality which makes a good party. and OP think of it this way - the less parties your DS is invited to, the less presents you need to buy for each one! You're actually at an advantage!

DS is 3yo and won't be having a proper birthday until he's in primary school and made a few good friends (hopefully!). I'd be quite happy to host a small birthday party but won't be shedding any tears if he's only got a few good friends to come along. And vice versa, if he's not invited to that many then it saves us having to cough up various birthday presents throughout the year. Am already dreading it!

pigletmania · 09/06/2010 21:23

Thats right lovechoc I agree totally. My dd 3 is shy and not very confident and i dont envisage a lot of party invites tbh. She will have a proper party once she is in school and will invite a few friends that she wants not the whole class, I have not got the nerves or the space for 30. Like lovechoc posted the less party invites, the less stress on you to invite everyone and have that all singing and dancing party. And yes money saved on presents sounds good to me.

lou031205 · 09/06/2010 21:48

DD1 has SN and has only been invited to one party since September (the inviter also has SN).

Last night she started crying and said "It's not fair. Why can't I go to x's party?" I almost cried myself.

I told her that I didn't know, but people can't always invite everybody and that this time DD1 wasn't going. Then I asked if she was good friends with x? She said she was, so I just said that maybe x's Mummy didn't know that.

What else could I say? She has SN significant enough that she will be going to Special School in September, but it obviously hasn't even escaped her notice

DinahRod · 09/06/2010 21:48

When pfb was at nursery we asked everyone (about 22 children) plus also parents stayed - it was pretty expensive to do, couldn't afford to do it now. It's appears quite usual - with class sizes of 30 - to only invite a small number or to share birthdays with another child because:
a) the cost/logistics
b) alternating birthdays between siblings if you have more than one child to spread the cost
c) as they get older they have specific friends
d) even if you do cheap(ish) whole class party and go for the hire a hall/bung in a bouncy castle option you can't, for H&S reasons, allow 30 on at one time.

We will probably do a party for dd next year (it's her turn) but am wracking my brain at how to invite all and make it affordable or the politics of inviting a few.

piscesmoon · 09/06/2010 22:45

I think it is the parents who fuss about it. It is a sign to them that their DC is a social success!! I hated parties that age, I had a few close friends and no desire to be a social success!

lou031205 · 09/06/2010 22:59

piscesmoon, I disagree. I don't want DD1 to be a 'social success', I want her to be happy, and not isolated and excluded at the age of 4 because of her life-long SNs. She has enough time in her life to face reality. At the age of 4, I want her to be a little cushioned from the blow.

If DD1 didn't notice, I wouldn't be bothered. But despite her developmental delays, she is noticing that children are having parties, and she isn't included.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/06/2010 23:05

yes,it would be nice if people included kids with SN, my DD has never been invited to a party. She doesn't interact much but would love a party. Parents invite other kids in front of DD and not her.

cat64 · 09/06/2010 23:21

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Message withdrawn

jendaisy · 10/06/2010 00:30

I think that 'School Policy' is a bit nuts too! What if there are kids in the class that your child really dislikes? Also would be restricting you greatly in what you can do, for instance DD (also nearly 6), has decided for her birthday to go to a local kiddies play farm with 7 friends, 8 is the minimum number you can go with and it's £10 per head. That sort of thing would be out of the question for most if you had to invite the whole bloody class. And party bags aren't cheap either. I can see what they are trying to do but they are putting parents in a very awkward situation there.

SparklyGothKat · 10/06/2010 01:05

My Ds1 went to a party in reception (I was asked if he can eat 'normally' he has Cerebral palsy but is mainly affected in his legs) and after that his next invite was in year 6!!!! It broke my heart. DD1 also has CP, ADHD and learning disabilities, and rarely gets invited. DD2 gets loads of invites.

somebodysfool · 10/06/2010 01:22

I either invite all or just 2 or 3 for a special birthday treat. I could not bear to leave anyone out if the majority were coming. However mistakes can happen and there are 2 occasions I know about it has happened to me and and a friend though both were genuine mistakes.

One was a whole class 33 invited with one child not. Luckily the mother noticed and asked where the missing child was. A friend said they thought they were not invited and the mortified mother called the other mother then and there. Luckily they lived close by and the mothers mortification was sufficient to demonstrate a real mistake and the child turned up with no harm done.

The other occasion was my daughters party I am ashamed to say. I invited all the girls in her class to a party at my house after school. When I was picking them up I realised one was not coming. I asked the mother why not and she said she had not got the invite. I said I had sent it and was so sorry it had not got to her (still don't know why). I apologised profusely and told the mum that of course her daughter was invited but she said she had other plans. I felt so bad and sent a letter after too. She was totally fine about it but I can see how it could have seemed like a snub at the time.

helenwombat · 10/06/2010 01:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chandon · 10/06/2010 07:44

Hello,

My DS1 doesn´t get invited to parties much. He is a day dreamer, and a one-best-friend sort of person.

He is on "Early Intevention" as not good at school, so far (but aren´t they young still?! poor things)and sometimes gets teased for that.

I tried football with him, but he is afraid to get hurt. He likes arts and crafts, and playing on his own or with this 1 friend. He wants to give up football and have violin lessons or drama (sweet), which he is doing now.

I think that is just the way he is, and I used to worry but now I think it is kind of lovely that he is becoming his own person with his own likes and dislikes and that not everyone is going to be Mr Popularity.

Still, when he was invited to a party (first one this year) last week I was thrilled, what is all that about?! Mums are funny creatures aren´t they?

piscesmoon · 10/06/2010 08:01

I think that a school policy is nuts! There is no way I would do it-equally I don't want one friend. I would just do it around the school-they can't dictate. Your 5 yr old probably never plays with some of the class, they probably don't even like some of them. Who wants 29 presents?!
My DS3 had 3 friends when he was in year 1-that means that he didn't expect more than 3 parties. As a DC of 5 I had 2 friends-so why would I get asked to 29 parties? Is it OK to pick me up for one day and then drop me?
Quite frankly if people are going to invite me to a party because they feel sorry for me I would rather they didn't bother! My DSs invited SN DCs-but it was because they liked them-not because they were told to.

potplant · 10/06/2010 12:15

I totally get the school policy.

This morning one of the boys in my DS's class was handing out party invites. All the boys were crowding around excitedly. My DS didn't get one and was very very upset. I had to stay with him an extra 10 minutes cos he wouldn't go into school because 'everyone hates me'.

I would be delighted if they had a school policy of not distributing party invites in the playground unless everyone is invited. The teacher said as much to me as well.

TheBride · 10/06/2010 12:29

I can understand the school policy- all they are saying is that if you want to hand the invites out at school you need to invite the whole class or all the boys/girls, probably as the teacher has witnessed that some children are never ever invited and they might want to be spared the humiliation. If you dont want to invite the whole class, post or email the invites. Not really a big ask.

(It's like how they used to let kids pick teams for sports and there would always be the same 2 kids left at the end with all the other kids taking 2 mins to publicly decide who was the least useless.)

traceybath · 10/06/2010 12:34

Our school policy is that you can invite whoever you want to parties but if its not the whole class or all the boys or girls then ivites to be sent in the post and not distributed at school.

This seems to work well in our school and we all have each others names/addresses so thats not an issue.

I suspect the policy was put in place to try and stop people inviting all but one or two from a class to a party which we all know happens.

OP - if you're son isn't bothered don't worry. I must confess I used to worry about this but now just don't really care as hate children's parties.

swanandduck · 10/06/2010 14:06

I agree that schools' should not force parents to invite all or no one from the class. What do the kids learn from that, and how will they cope when they do have to face rejection?
However, I would always invite any child who had already had my child to their party as I think it's incredibly rude not to and is also teaching your child very bad manners.

potplant · 10/06/2010 14:25

swanandduck - The school can't and shouldn't be forcing whole class parties. I have DTs no way can I hold parties for 60 kids! I also don't want to go to 60 parties.

BUT I would very very much support a school policy which didn't allow distribution of invites at school unless it was a whole class party. My DS's teacher said to me today (whilst consoling my excluded again DS) that she dreads seeing party invites because they cause so much upset.

Fair enough he has to learn about rejection but what would you do when your 6yo cries himself to sleep because none of his friends invite him to their party?

I don't have a solution btw but am feeling a bit in his behalf!