to be upset by DS1's lack of party invitations?

[mydoorisalwaysopen]

I think probably IABU but it kind of niggles me that DS1 hardly ever gets invited to parties. Today I discovered that he's not invited to a particular child's party (I know the boy's mum has persuaded him to invite other kids and I wonder why not mine - the boys get on well together, me and the mum are friends...my DS usually invites him AND his brother to his parties so his brother doesn't get left out). Obviously I think DS1 is a gorgeous boy - maybe others don't agree .

DS doesn't seem remotely bothered - it's just me. I think I know IABU but some sensible words to prevent paranoia would be appreciated

The OP said her DS isn't remotely bothered...
surely that is the most important issue? Try not to project your own feelings onto your childs' friendships - it's not about you! Have to say that I am secretly relieved when DD is not invited to a party, have just gone through a patch when every single weekend involved going to the same soft play place with pretty much the same group of friends! Some children might positively prefer just having one friend over, or even none - just having a family get-together.

Milkmoustache

Maybe I wasn't clear, I meant that the school shouldn't insist that all children or none are invited, which some posters said was policy in their schools. I totally agree that invitations should be handed out tactfully and not in front of uninvited children.

Cat64
When I referred to 'bad manners' I was addressing this point in the opening post:

[Today I discovered that he's not invited to a particular child's party .I know the boy's mum has persuaded him to invite other kids and I wonder why not mine - the boys get on well together, me and the mum are friends...my DS usually invites him AND his brother to his parties so his brother doesn't get left out].

I think that was incredibly bad manners on the part of the Mother and has nothing to do with the points you are making. When I was getting married I invited to my wedding any friends whose wedding I had been at and with whom I was still in touch. When my sister got married she just had family and her best friend. I don't think that was rude. However, if she'd invited all her friends but left out one who's wedding she had been at the previous year, Yes, that would have been rude.

xpst cat64.

Sorry my first reply was to potplant not milkmoustache.

I'm a teacher. It's absolutely fine IMO if kids want to have parties and don't invite everyone - it's up to the parents...etc. Yes, kids do get hurt feelings but this will keep happening throughout life. I don't necessarily agree with it, but, it's not my choice to make that call.

However, invites handed out at school are never to be done unless it is either the whole class or just boys/girls. If they want to invite just one person from another class, this should be done through the post or in person outside of school time. This is our school policy and I see absolutely nothing wrong with it. Go ahead and have a smaller do and enjoy a party with fewer people, however do not get everyone excited and make a show of handing out invites when some kids are going to be left out. It's hurtful and embarrassing as well for some.

It all boils down to how mothers handle handing out invites at the end of the day- it really shouldn't be done at school.
That's why I only invite children whose parents I know- so I have their details.

I think this is a part of life, for everyone, and it doesn't mean that your dc isn't popular or doesn't have good friends.

It's just, you know, a combination of unlucky circumstances. But very very sad to witness.

Make sure he knows how to deal with rejection without getting depressed or angry from a young age. These things will happen, to everyone, but it's the emotional reaction and management of them that matters. And that's something you can help with.

'However, I would always invite any child who had already had my child to their party as I think it's incredibly rude not to and is also teaching your child very bad manners. '

No way do I do this-it forces someone who wants a small party to have a large one! It means that the person mad enough to have 30 expects everyone else to follow suit.
I think that it can be done discreetly but it needs to be in the playground, unless the school releases all addresses.
If it was the school policy to have everyone I would invite the Head around to my house and get them to tell me how to fit 30 lively DCs in my lounge!! I think that the school would have to lend out the school hall and sports equipment-then it would get onto health and safety and insurance.
If people stopped having huge parties with the expectations that an invitation was a 'right' there wouldn't be a problem.
Someone suggested one guest per number of years-a much better idea!

Parents who want such information would usually email me for it. If parents have already released their emails/addresses then I'll give the details to them. But they should have them already because each class usually puts together a list of everyone's address/email/phone (with permission from everyone) at the start of the year.

Well I would find out who dd wanted to invite, and on pick up time discretely hand the invitation to the parent or CM without making a show of it. What ever happened before computers and e mailing I wonder

Could the school policy be more to do with the handing out of invites on school property than the party itself. Of course they can't expect or insist parents invite the whole class, but if you want the convenience of handing out invites inschool why should the issue of left out children become something the school deals with. At least if it's at the gate the parent can halp the child get over an inevitable disappointment. Still doesn't mean you have to invite everyone. I didn't invite everyone to my thirtieth party and got balnked by some people at work - takes a while for some people to get to grips with this it seems.

I teach in an international/American school in the UK. So I guess it's different. No one ever minds the other parents having their numbers...etc. There's even a whole school directory.

littlebylittle that is it - it's about in or out of school time. No teacher can reasonably complain about not every being invited to a party, none of a teacher's or school's business. It's about the invites being passed out in school to a "select few" rather than the group.
I'd have no problem with parents/cms doing it at the school gate. None of my business there.

I guess that would be ok if it was done like passing out end of day papers or something. It's when they do it when they first arrive themselves and all the other 6-7 year olds are crowding around, waiting to see if they will get one too.
To each their own.
I'm really happy my school operates the way that it does. It suits everyone.

DS (8) has only ever been invited to four parties in the almost five years he's been at his school. Even when it doesn't bother him, it hurts me. Sad isn't it?

Thats a good idea, its not made into a big scene, just put in with the rest of the end of day info. I rmemeber at school the birthday boy/girl used to hand them out during class time and it used to be a big deal. I never worried as I was so shy and did not like parties or social sitations all that much.

please ignore all of the grammar errors in that last post.