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AIBU?

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Original poster

To Think You Shouldn't Have To Ask Your Husband's PERMISSION To Do Something?

54 replies

midori1999 · 09/06/2010 11:29

I was speaking to a friend this morning. She mentioned she had been asked away by a couple of other girlfriends for a weekend in Spain at one of their Mum's villa's. She was keen to go, but asked her husband who said 'no way', yet he frequently goes away for weekends/longer under the guise of his second job, which is also his hobby.

I just don't get this. I realise in a marriage things like this must be discussed with the other person, but surely grown adults, even in a marriage, do not need the other persons permission to do something they want to?

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 09/06/2010 11:33

Nope. If she puts up with being treated like a child, more fool her.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 09/06/2010 11:34

YANBU, unfortunatley I've come across this sort of control. I had one friend who was given a set amount of money per week to pay for food, she wasn't allowed to drive the car nor did she have access to their bank acount. On top of making a spreadsheet of what she had spent on what, she had to paste the receipts into an excercie book. As a group, we used to save our receipts so she could substitute ours for the money she was saving to leave. Her DH was very shocked when she did.

skihorse · 09/06/2010 11:40

@ kreecher! "Sleeping with the enemy" or what!

kreecherlivesupstairs · 09/06/2010 11:52

I don't know what sleeping with the enemy is. I do know she is settled and happy in the UK with a woman! shock horror. She married this man in haste, had two children with him. She had no idea what a twunt he would be. He was earning big money working for an oil firm in Oman, they had it all on the outside, big house, big car that only he could drive despite having a driver on call, lovely holidays etc. The worst bit was getting her and the children's passports from his firm. Much subterfuge needed.

nickelbabe · 09/06/2010 11:54

it's a film with Julia Roberts- he was abusive and she escaped by saving up money from a job she had in secret and faking her own death.
it's very good: you should track it down!

but it is an awful real life story about your friend. thank god she had lots of caring friends to help her get out.

darkandstormy · 09/06/2010 12:28

I never "ask" my husband, I just "tell" him what I am doing.I never undrestand the subservience of some women, they make a rod for their own backs imo.

diddl · 09/06/2010 12:30

I ask my husband in that I say is it OK if....
But I´m always expecting a "yes" answer!

AstronomyDomine · 09/06/2010 12:32

you are so not being unreasonable!! Discuss yes to make sure things (if needed) are covered but never ask permission!

PuppyMonkey · 09/06/2010 12:34

I don't ask my husband anything cos I'm not married. I tell DP what I'm thinking of doing and then maybe we might have a dicussion about it until we agree that I am right and move on.

MrsTittleMouse · 09/06/2010 12:40

I ask for DH's permission, but then he asks for my too. Neither of us would ever refuse without a very good reason. I hope that the friend refuses her DH permission to go on his next trip!

at Kreecher's friend.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 09/06/2010 12:41

I know of a woman who is not allowed to spend ANY money, her husband checks all bank statements and controls everything.

I wonder hwo you get into that situation in the first place. I mean, I can understand how you could be there and not get out, but how do you get there at all? Is it about your personality, or you going through a rough time, do they wear you down?

Poledra · 09/06/2010 12:48

I don't 'ask' my husband, nor do I 'tell' my husband. I might check with him, or discuss it with him.

Kreecher, I'm glad your friend had people round her to help her get away.

shimmerysilverglitter · 09/06/2010 12:54

I know someone whose husband "takes" her food shopping because she can't be trusted to get the best deals apparently and spends too much money.

My ex MIL used to have to show FIL the receipts for all the food she bought. She never bought a thing for herself, had her hair done or anything until her kids were older and she was able to get a job of her own.

shimmerysilverglitter · 09/06/2010 12:56

I know someone whose husband "takes" her food shopping because she can't be trusted to get the best deals apparently and spends too much money.

My ex MIL used to have to show FIL the receipts for all the food she bought. She never bought a thing for herself, had her hair done or anything until her kids were older and she was able to get a job of her own.

darkandstormy · 09/06/2010 12:58

shimmer

IPredictADiet · 09/06/2010 13:02

We both ask each other, out of social convention, rather than requesting permission.

We do have a shared calendar for DH's shifts/my on-calls/individual and family activities. But he is particularly crap at updating it if his shifts change for any reason.

Sidge · 09/06/2010 13:07

Well DH and I ask each other if we can do stuff if it means that the other will need to have the children, use the car, pick up from school etc.

It's done in a respectful way, more of "I'm going to do xxxx but am asking instead of telling as that's more polite, but I don't expect no for an answer"!

pagwatch · 09/06/2010 13:11

we ask each other out of courtesy because if I go out he has the kids alone, if he goes out then I have the kids alone.
It is a mutual respect thing.

He has nver done anything other than gleefully help me make the arrangements. I have only once said 'tbh, that would be unreasonably burdensome for me. You should think about it'. He didn't go because he realised that I was always right

ArthurPewty · 09/06/2010 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 09/06/2010 13:17

I expect DH to ask me if he wants to go out in the evening or (by extension) if he wants to go away overnight or for longer.

It stems back to when DS was first born and I would get very wound up if DH called to tell me he was going out that evening -- while I didn't have a problem with his going, I didn't like the assumption that I was automatically going to be looking after our DS and didn't have potential plans of my own. If he asked rather than telling then it just felt more considerate (I don't think I've ever said no).

Similarly, and for the same reasons, I ask him if I want to go out in the evening or go away overnight or for longer. He's never said no either.

So I don't think it's the "asking permission" aspect that's so concerning here, but the fact that "permission" is being unreasonably withheld and that there appears to be one rule for him and another rule for her.

jenduff · 09/06/2010 13:17

Like pag and leonie I don't ask DH for his permission, but out of courtesy check that he is free to look after children / do wahtever is needed so that I can do what I want to

anonymousbird · 09/06/2010 13:23

We "ask" each other, but only as a polite way of "telling", if you see what I mean, to make sure logistics work etc and out of respect.

Neither of us ever says "No" and only in an extreme circumstance has either of us ever felt the need even to question "are you sure this is a good time to do xyz..." "does it have to be that particular day/week/weekend...." etc. mostly due to a practicality than anything else.

So no, we don't ask for permission, but we discuss it to make sure it works out for all concerned.

bleedingheart · 09/06/2010 13:25

I don't ask permission as such but I do consult him as it means he will be able to make alternative plans/have childcare responsibilities. If he said 'No, I shan't allow it!' I would be gobsmacked!

Bonsoir · 09/06/2010 13:27

I consult my DP and I expect him to consult me about major decisions/deviations from the norm. And, as a rule of thumb, I like to discuss things with him - at the moment, for example, I am wondering what combination of extra-curricular activities to sign DD up for next year, and I talk to him a lot about it, even though it is really my decision (with DD) because I am the one who has to deal with the logistics.

I make several trips a year without him, and would never dream of not consulting him and listening to his opinion.

Oblomov · 09/06/2010 13:29

like poledra, i don't 'ask' or 'tell'. just kind of mention. i don't think either my dh or i have ever said no to eachother. why would we ? when he says, 'Kevin's coming down next friday, all the boys are going out', i say 'great'.
don't you all discuss it that way, then ?