To Think You Shouldn't Have To Ask Your Husband's PERMISSION To Do Something?

[midori1999]

I was speaking to a friend this morning. She mentioned she had been asked away by a couple of other girlfriends for a weekend in Spain at one of their Mum's villa's. She was keen to go, but asked her husband who said 'no way', yet he frequently goes away for weekends/longer under the guise of his second job, which is also his hobby.

I just don't get this. I realise in a marriage things like this must be discussed with the other person, but surely grown adults, even in a marriage, do not need the other persons permission to do something they want to?

well exH "told" me he was going to go to Thailand for 3 weeks with his mates.

I said no.......(with very valid reasons) - his insistence that he was right and I was being a control freak kind of finished off what was already hanging by a shoe string.

My DH would phrase that "Kevin's coming down next Friday, is it OK if I go out with the boys?" or even "it's OK for me to go out with the boys, isn't it?"

Otherwise (if he just told me he was going out with the boys next Friday) I'd be tempted to say "That's nice. Who's going to be looking after the children?"

DH and I usually preface it with 'would it be alright if...' ie: 'if I go out on Friday will you be able to do the childcare / chores etc?'

My DH is about to bugger off on the world's biggest work jolly for 2 weeks but I have negotiated pretty good terms

Oblomov, I think a lot of us are coming at the same thing but using different words. I suppose what I think of as checking can be someone else's polite asking-but-not-expecting-no.

Agree Poledra

It's the difference between checking there isn't some good reason you shouldn't go that you happen not to have thought of, and asking for permission.

I've had this discussion with single friends before who just don't get why I have to check with DH first before I can agree to anything like this.

The way I explain it to them is that when you have DCs, everytime you leave the house on your own then your OH has to stay behind and take care of them. So maybe asking permission is a bit of a strong term for it, but I think that it's only common courtesy for parents to check with each other first before committing to anything. What IS unreasonable in the OPs story is where he says NO, when it seems to be okay for him to go away on his own. That's a different problem though!

I agree with you Poledra about different terms for the same thing. In my mind though there's a distinction to be made:

Asking about how someone would feel if you did X ie 'would you mind if I...' 'is it alright with you if I...' 'how would you feel about....' 'I'm planning X, is that OK with you?'

is totally different from asking permission to do something (which in my book is scarily close to a child asking a parent if something is allowed).

In the first example the answer could be 'I'd feel like this' 'that would be inconvenient for me because...' 'no problem, have fun..' in which case it's still a dialogue between two adults taking each other's feelings into account.

In the second example the expected answer is yes you are allowed or no, I don't allow it, with a very clear power dynamic at play.

(Have I just really laboured a point?!)

I'm really interested in the question upthread about how people get to the stage where they're in positions where they have to ask permission as an adult.

yes, lets not be pedantic about if you include the word ... in the request. we all really understand the difference between telling, or asking/checking and permission , like a 5 yr old.

Yes, there's different types of "asking for permission" isn't there? I mean I often ask dh "Can I do x?" but what I'm really asking is "I'd like to do x on such and such a date, is it ok for you to look after the kids? You don't have anything planned then do you? Will you need the car cos I would need to drive there?" etc. Dh would never say no unless there was a good reason (like having to work).

DH thinks I should ask him. He fails miserably when it comes to getting me to obey though.

He asks my permission to do things/buy things too though. I think he just seems to think that is how couples should work. You should only do/buy things your OH agrees with.

Agree totally with everyone who says it's more to do with the logistics and chidcare than asking permission. DH works in a shared office and one of the other departments that share the office is mainly staffed by young, single workers. When they ask if he is going out with them on X night he replies that he has to check with me first. Hence everyone at his place of work thinks I am an overbearing control freak and I get pissed of at them having not a clue how much work it is arranging childcare for 4 children

I only ask if we have the money For me to do/buy something.

I don't work, so have no money of my own and things are stupidly tight for us at the moment. For example, I was asked by a friend if I wanted to go out last Saturday, so I had to ask dh if we had any spare cash for me to go out before I could say yes or no, we were down to just food money so I go (although dh tried to juggle money about his accounts etc to try and make some Vailable for me, first time I've been invited out in years). That said, dh never ever goes out, so it's not like he's spending money so i can't go out IYSWIM.

I know a woman whose husband does the grocery shopping because he thinks he's the only one able to find the best deals. She's a sahm and yet he's the one who does the shopping. He also goes away on business a fair amount of the time and she never knows where he is.

I also know someone else who cannot accept invites to social occasions on behalf of them both as her dh is the one that decides whether they will go or not.

However, I also know a bloke whose wife refuses to let him go out, and he genuinely has to ask per permission before doing so and permission is regularly denied.

There are some scarey stories on here about control and abuse, but I have to be honest, I would say to someone that I had to check with DH or may be even say that I would ask DH if I could, because for us, one or the other one going away on holiday without the family is unusual.
There would also the question about "our" money being used for "me" to go away.

so there would be a respectful discussion.

NOW, I go out with my girlfriends and let him know when I am going, I don't ask for permission to go.

These are horrible stories, my mum has told me about a lot of women she knew who married in the early 60s and had to account for every penny etc, but its so awful to hear this still happens. FWIW about once a week me and dh sit down and sort of talk each other through our respective weeks, sort of so that if one of us has to work late/wants to go out some evening, the other one can arrange something for themselves on another evening if they want. And to see where the stress points of the week might be. We do a lot of bargaining about who can go out when!

I do ask DH but have to admit that he has never, as far as I can remember said no! Obviously I don't ask about totally ridiculous things but even when I feel I am being a bit cheeky he is always OK about it .

DH and I would usually ask each other if we wanted to go out at the weekend without the other one, as we both see it as a bit unfair that the other one could be left "norman/norma no mates" on a Fri/Sat night and we'd normally go out together, either on our own or with friends.

Neither of us ever says no though so it's more a courtesy thing.

In the week, we just tell each other if we're going out/ doing sport or something.

DS1 arrives in September so then I think the horse trading over nights out will begin in earnest

The day I ask anyone's permission to do anything is the day before I become single. DP thinks the same way.
But I think we all seem to be saying the same thing, just in different guises. It's not asking permission, just checking the other person hasn't got a plan of their own to consider

there really are some scary stories on here.

i have been thinking.
with my ex, we would make plans on our own and then inform the other what was happening (unless it was both of us then it would be"you are free that night aren't you?")
most of that was towards the end of the relationship when it was all falling apart anyway and we didn't really care what the other one thought.

with DF, i have noticed that he will say "now, X has asked us if we can do ccc on this date, are you free then?" or "i've been invited out on a lads' night out on is that okay for me to go?"
so, i do the same for him due to mutual respect.
Sometimes it happens that the first instance must be met with a "no" mainly because we have already planned something and it's not been written down.

i can't imagine with him ever agreeing to do something that impacts us both without running it by him first.

I think it depends... I am taking DS2 (age 8 weeks) to Glasgow to meet my great grandma who is too ill to travel.

But this means leaving DD and DS1 at home, and they will be at school. I asked DH, not because I need permission but because he's going to have to look after them (age 6 and 4) for the couple of days I am away and I wanted to check he would manage / didn't have any evening work comittments.

Was really shocked reading that in one case the husband disappears on work trips and wife doesn't even know where he has gone ! How on earth would she cope if there was news of some plane disaster (like the one which sank in the Atlantic on the route from Brazil to Spain) - husband reported missing after 3 or 4 weeks and she will look like a 5yo infant when asked by the police "where did he go, when was he due back".

Could almost imagine she doesn't know his work mobile number either, so he can turn his 'home' mobile on when he wants to speak, and can ignore her the remainder of the time. That is one complete selfish b'stard.

midori1999 - I really hope your friend just goes anyway (assuming there are no pet/ childcare issues where husband could take out his anger at her not being there) - if he can go away and not think twice about it, but refuses her the option, he's either terribly insecure that she will be out looking for some better man, or controlling to the extent of being someone to worry about.

LeQueen - I'd be concerned for your MiL (and anyone else who has their finances so strictly controlled) that if something happens to their partner they will (a) be uncomfortable about making decisions (imagine man in coma, will his wife/partner be worrying that he may be cross about some expenditure, so still 'go without') and further (b) tackling household budget (utility bills etc etc) if they have had no knowledge of what goes out each month on council tax etc.

Good job some aspects of finance is getting into school syllabus but these 'Victorian' households, and asking 'permission' rather than co-ordinating so each can enjoy hobbies/travel etc, need to be swept away in a good spring clean!

Oh, she won't go. She never does anything as he hates it, he always has. They have been married for 18 years and she has always been 'the good wife', keeps the house immaculate, perfectly turned out, well behaved children etc. He never appreciates her and she is very insecure.

She had an affair last year, (I do know ther ei sn o excuse for this, but I really don't blame her, I think she was just flattered someone gave her some attention) at which point he threw her out and she then begged him to take her back. I had hoped things might change for my friend, well both of them, at that point, but instead of seeing the problems in their marriage, they have both blamed the 'predator' she had the affair with and everything is the same as before.

I can see why her previous track record could make him ancious about her going away, but he is still happy to go away and leave her, and it was always like this. It is very sad seeing a friend so unhappy. She knows how I feel about the situation, but won't do anything about it.

I think it depends on why her dh said no. If it's for money, or cos he can't look after the kids, then fine, but if it's simply cos he doesn't want trust her to go off with the girls that that's quite bad.

On the subject of asking permission generally, my dh and I regularly ask each other's permission for things, and quite often say no to each other. (e.g. he said no to me taking on a regular weekend commitment as i already had a couple on the go and he was fed up with having kids on his own all weekend; I said no to him going on a second holiday without us (free) because it's tiring having the kids on my own for a week)

I think it's ok to ask permission for things that affect the other person, and it's ok to say no to each other for reasons other than just that there's a clash. I don't really understand when people pride themselves on never asking dh permission or needing to give him permission for anything

DH and I always run things past each other to ensure childcare etc can be covered, and ocasionally we do say no - for example DH wants to go on a works night out but as my parents are making a rare trip to see us I asked if he could possibly just go for a couple after work rather than out for the whole evening.

I was asked on a girls day out the other week, but as it was on DH's birthday I declined, as thought he would be unimpressed if he had to do childcare all day while I swanned off on a jolly. I was pleasantly surprised when I mentionned it to him in passing and he said to go, not a problem.

is a mutual respect thing for us, not a real asking of permission