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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry at my sister who is STILL smoking in her 2nd pregnancy despite her 1st baby being born early with breathing problems and low weight?

71 replies

ilikeyoursleeves · 07/06/2010 18:30

I saw my sister today and despite her saying she would give up this time she is still smoking heavily whilst pregnant (currently around 5 months). As the title says, her DD was in SCBU for a few days after birth with breathing problems and low weight. OK we will never know if her smoking heavily throughout that pregnancy was a causal factor in this, but it certainly wouldn't have helped. Sister was worried it was caused by her smoking and I never suggested it was to her as she was obviously going through a tough time after the birth.

But you would think she would therefore rethink the fags while pregnant thing now, but no she is still puffing away quite the thing. I asked her today if she was going to give up (or at least try, I said I knew how hard it is etc) but all she said was 'it's fine, I had my 20 week scan and his lungs are fine, it won't affect the baby'.

WTF! I mean, even the thought of a Dr having to check an unborn babies lungs would be enough to shock me into stopping! Not that I even think they can tell anything by looking at lungs on a scan, I think she is just telling herself that to make herself feel better.

I know some will say 'her body, her choice' but it's not just her body is it?

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityhat · 07/06/2010 18:33

Yanbu. But, you're quite right, there will be people who will think or say Yabu on this thread. They will be in the minority though.

MagalyZz · 07/06/2010 18:34

Wow. that's tough alright. It's your nephew/niece so you are not just being 'judgey' as the accusation might be.....
I would find this very hard if it were my sister.

Sorry that is not help to you at all. It would break my heart..... I just hope that the second baby isn't as affected as the first. Second babies are usually bigger, so touch would that it is bigger.

I don't smoke and neither did the dcs' father and they both have asthma.. hate to think what state we'd all be in huffing and rasping if I'd thrown smoking in to the mix.

MrsC2010 · 07/06/2010 18:35

They always check the lungs at a 20 wk scan, they check all organs. It's the abnormality scan.

You will get a few responses I suspect, this topic (and drinking, rollercoasters while pregnant etc) always does. But for what it's worth, I do agree with you. I gave up both before getting pregnant (well, I still had the odd drink while trying) but I also appreciate that it can be very very hard to give up.

It also depends on how much she smokes. A friend was told by her GP not to beat herself up over her 2 -5 cigarettes per day as the stress would prob do her more harm than the cigarettes themselves.

OTTMummA · 07/06/2010 18:37

YADNBU, your sister is being selfish, and i am at her blase response especially as she blamed her DDs problems on herself.
If she is normally an intelligent person i would think she is just deluding herself to make herself feel better.

If not, is this pregnancy planned? does she actually want this baby?

MagalyZz · 07/06/2010 18:37

I was out with some friends the other night and one of them is trying to get prg for the first time (at 36). she was puffing away. tick fucking tock she said, her own words. I laughed. I told her to stub out though. I know people HATE it when you give them tips on 'how to get pregnant' and obviously I would never normally do that.... but ummmmmmmm I just couldn't keep my big gob shut.

waitingforbedtime · 07/06/2010 18:38

YADNBU.

sanielle · 07/06/2010 18:40

DId your friend get huffy maga (excuse the mild pun)?

diamondsandtiaras · 07/06/2010 18:40

no YANBU. It does of course depend how many ciggies she's smoking, but if she's not even trying to cut down then she's way out of line. I get really really angry when I see pg women smoking......and yes I do know how hard it is to give up because I used to smoke. I however gave up before TTC DD1 because I didn't want to be passing all the toxins and crap through to my baby.

I don't think there's anything you can do about it though, apart from point out the risks.

LynetteScavo · 07/06/2010 18:41

YANBU.

Your sister is being selfish. I wouldn't have been so polite to her.

Original poster
ilikeyoursleeves · 07/06/2010 18:43

I think it was planned, but her and her DP don't seem to care about smoking as they smoke around their DD. When we visit they stand at the back door and smoke but it wafts in and I always ask to shut the door so it doesn't get to my DS's and I usually get a look! The smoke in the car with the DD in the back and the unborn DS in her belly.

She wouldn't give her DD (age 1.5years) a raisin today in case she choked on it, yet she then went outside to give her unborn son a cigarette.

OP posts:
megonthemoon · 07/06/2010 18:44

YADNBU. Your stupid stupid sister. I'm If she was trying to cut down or give up entirely but succumbed to the occasional fag, at least she would be showing willing and I might say YABU. But if she isn't trying at all then that's terrible and can't be excused especially as her DD had problems that could be attributable to the smoking (and it sounds like your sister did think this)

pjmama · 07/06/2010 18:48

Appalling.

MagalyZz · 07/06/2010 18:49

Sanielle, another friend piped up with 'there's no link between smoking and getting pregnant'. I didn't want to come across as too bossy so I looked my friend (the one who really wants to get pregnant) and said 'gooogle that'.

So I hope she does.

mamasparkle · 07/06/2010 18:56

I worked with a woman who smoked 10 a day, her excuse being that the smoking cessation counsellor had not been in touch.But she fretted over accidentally eating feta cheese in a dish. I heard the 'doctor says it would be bad for me to give up completely' in an interview with Kerry Katona, and it's trotted out by pregnant smokers who claim their GP told them the same.YANBU- your sister is extremely selfish.

Tryharder · 07/06/2010 18:58

Well clearly YANBU and I doubt many would disagree with that. While you wouldn't go up to a stranger or acquaintance and harangue(sp) them about smoking whilst pregnant, I personally would have no compunction in telling my own blood sister she's a fucking selfish cow.

I work at an airport and am heavily pregnant. Everyone stands immediately outside the entrance doors chuffing away ignoring the big signs saying no smoking. I am really sick of having to pass through a big fug of smoke everytime I enter/exit the building. I snapped "can't you lot bloody read?" the last time I went through - luckily wasn't wearing my uniform so don't think I could have been identified.

LittleWhiteWolf · 07/06/2010 19:03

God thats terrible. Your poor niece and nephew-to-be.

My mum smoked all through her pregnancies with me and my sis and we're fine, but she's not. She's had to have a double lung transplant which nearly killed her 3 times, not to mention the times before her transplant when she nearly died.
I hate smoking with a passion. I wish cigarettes had never been invented.

sanielle · 07/06/2010 19:47

MagalyZz that was a clever way to put it.. If she is really hoping to conceive she will google it.. The TTC brigade google everything! lol (I was an obsessive googler!)

mistletoekisses · 07/06/2010 19:54

That is horrendous. And she is in huge denial. If it was my sibling, I would be completely honest with them. Makes me really sad to read a post like this.

SolidGoldBrass · 07/06/2010 20:05

Well, obviously it isn't good for the unborn baby. However, she knows that and will have worked out her rationalisations - which may be along the lines of people are so hysterical around smoking (which is true) that it probably isn't as dangerous as they say reeeeeeeeaallly.
TBH, there is no point in saying anything to her unless you want a big family row and the chance to say 'I told you so' if the baby is born with problems.

winnybella · 07/06/2010 20:06

Well, being pg and smoking's not great, but smoking in the house and car with her dd is awful. IIRC kids that actually inhale the smoke, have more chances of having respiratory problems, in addition to the transmission of the toxins that the foetus gets.

I smoked during my pregnancies, but only a few a day- with my doctors' blessing (one in NY, one in Paris)- not proud of myself, obviously. I've never been blase about it, though, I just had a really hard time trying to quit. I did cut down from about 20 a day before pg to 3 or 4.

BritFish · 07/06/2010 20:12

"She wouldn't give her DD (age 1.5years) a raisin today in case she choked on it, yet she then went outside to give her unborn son a cigarette."

ilikeyoursleeves, EXACTLY. you will get people coming along and saying 'its so hard to give up just cant do it'
people do it. people even give up when they are NOT responsible for another life sharing the same body. you know, because its bad for you....

you wouldnt let a child smoke, so one that isnt even born yet?

winnybella · 07/06/2010 20:40

BritFish, yes some people do it and some don't manage to- not everyone is strong enough.

OP's sister doesn't seem to be even trying, though. Smoking a lot and smoking in the car with dd...Not much you can do, OP, but it must be difficult to see your sister puffing away non-stop. How much does she smoke?

Original poster
ilikeyoursleeves · 07/06/2010 20:45

Not sure Winnybella (I don't see her that often) but they were here for 2 hours ish today and she had to have one during that time and by the smell of her breath (and her DP's) they had both been smoking in the car on the way over. Therefore probably at least 10 a day.

OP posts:
Morloth · 07/06/2010 20:51

You can think someone is a selfish bint while still thinking "her body, her choice", because the alternative is legislation taking away the control women have over their own bodies and that cannot be allowed to happen.

SirBoobAlot · 07/06/2010 20:58

I think she is being ignorant and selfish. The general argument of smoking whilst pregnant aside, the fact her DD was born with breathing problems surely should have shocked her enough into reconsidering what she was doing? Am annoyed, saddened, and amazed at your calm to hear this.... Had she been my sister, I imagine I would have told her exactly what I thought by now.