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Original poster

To tell MIL that her presents for DS are not age appropriate?

60 replies

ShadeofViolet · 07/06/2010 14:36

MIL and DS1 have a bit of a strained relationship, mainly because she makes it so damn obvious that she prefers DD to him.

Anyway, she buys them a present when she visits, normally something small. I was a bit put out at first, as we normally only do gifts on special occasions rather than random gifts, but if thats what she wants to do its up to her.

However the things she buys for DS1 are not very appropriate for his age. The last three presents have been a Dot-to-dot book, a nursery rhyme DVD and a Goldilocks lift-the-flap book. He is 9.

Now should I say something? I dont know whether its a lack of caring on her part, as she buys DD beautiful gifts, and maybe DS1 is an afterthought, or whether she just doesnt understand that these things are quite babyish, and not aimed at children DS's age? How do I say anything without it coming across as a critisism?

OP posts:
Original poster
ShadeofViolet · 07/06/2010 14:37

Oh and its no good me suggesting things for her to buy, as she asks every Christmas/Birthday and my suggestions get ignored.

OP posts:
TheLifeOfRiley · 07/06/2010 14:39

Is your DD younger than your DS perchance? Are these 'gifts' actually meant for her younger favourite?

Poor DS, I would just make it up to him with a bit of one on one, doing something nice with him to make up for your MIL's insensitive behaviour.

Am surprised your DS hasn't been obviously disappointed with these gifts, you must have a very polite son!

MumNWLondon · 07/06/2010 14:40

Either decide to ignore, or ask your DH to ask for for receipt so he can change present for something more grown up. If she buys nice things for DD probably just because she doesn't know...

My MIL bought DD a book with around 4 words per page once she was about 4 and we were reading her harder stories. I was perhaps too blunt - I said it was a lovely book but gave it back to her and said she should give it to her 1 year old grandson as DD too old for it.

MrsGravy · 07/06/2010 14:42

How old is your DD? Do you think she's surreptitiously buying things that DD will play with? I only ask because my MIL favours my DS over my DD. And, if she bothers to buy DD anything, it's usually cars. DD is very girly and MIL is not stupid. I am convinced it's her way of giving DS extra stuff.

I'm not sure how to tackle it though. We've been very firm on the 'no buying for one without the other' and this has been the result. DD never seems too bothered so we've left it.

If I were going to confront the issue I'd make DH do it though....

KnitterNotTwitter · 07/06/2010 14:45

I think something should be said as these are VERY age inappropriate (and a big gender inappropriate IMO)

How you handle it obviously depends on the relationship you have with MIL and the relationship you want to have with MIL. Alternatives are that DS1 says something, DD says something or DP says something to her of course...

Original poster
ShadeofViolet · 07/06/2010 14:46

Yes, DD is 2. I dont know if they are meant for her as they are a little old for her yet (Except the DVD). DS has mrntioned it a couple of times but he does take the gifts politely and then they just get put on the shelf.

We also have a DS2 who is 4, he has ASD and so she always buys him fruit

OP posts:
KnitterNotTwitter · 07/06/2010 14:46

bit not big

GeekOfTheWeek · 07/06/2010 14:50

I would tell her straight tbh.

I would also make it known that her blatant favouritism is out of order. Your poor ds.

Morloth · 07/06/2010 14:51

LOL, she sounds very odd. I would be inclined to just have a laugh with DS about the weird gifts Grandma gives him.

My PIL are very loving towards DS but they are a bit eccentric in the gift giving department.

Original poster
ShadeofViolet · 07/06/2010 14:55

geek - I have said it to her outright before, but she denies it, then she cries and DH feels sorry for he, even though he agrees with me.

In all honesty our relationship is very strained, mainly because of the favouritism. DS was the first GC and an only child for 6 years, she poured all over him for all that time, then moved on a bit when we had DS2, then dumped them both like a hot potato when I had DD.

morloth we do try and laugh at them, but although he laughs along I can see that he is hurt by the fact DD gets nice pressies, and even DS2 gets fruit which he likes to eat!

OP posts:
seeker · 07/06/2010 14:55

My db ans sil gave my ds a pink easter bonnet making kit for his 8th birthday!

He accepted graciously, then we fell about laughing at it when we got home.

FranSanDisco · 07/06/2010 14:59

My MIL sent ds a pound shop car that was in bits when it arrived. Told DH to tell her to save her money - he was convinced it was an airfix model there was so many bits .

GeekOfTheWeek · 07/06/2010 15:06

If your ds is hurt by the pressies then I would definately tell her just how inappropriate they are.

mummycake · 07/06/2010 15:53

I can remember my gran buying my brother an expensive car set and me a pair of playing cards when I was younger. She made it obvious that she favoured my younger brother as the family ''doesnt like girls''(their words). I have forgiven my gran for her treatment of me as we are close now but I haven't forgotten what she used to do. It may be negatively affecting your son because I was about 9 when the above incident occured and I never forgot it.
It may be worth saying '' thank-you for always thinking of the children, I appreciate the gifts but Ds is getting a little old for nursery rhymes now- he likes this...this and this. I am not being ungrateful its just that he gets no benefit out of the gifts!I would be more than happy If you choose not to continue buying them gifts but I appreciate you thinking about them all .

On the other side of the coin though maybe she is just genuinally out of touch with the things a 9 year old likes!!

AmazingBouncingFerret · 07/06/2010 16:03

Ugh it's horrible. My Granma used to buy my sisters and cousin lovely presents at christmas and it was almost like I was forgotten so I would receive a quickly wrapped nativity scene or something. Two worst christmas gifts had to be Christmas tree lights (I was 9) and then the year after an awful light-up christmas tree star that played horrible tinny music, the plug wasnt even compatible with UK plug sockets!!

You dont forget it. I can make a joke of it now but looking back it wasnt very nice for a little child to see everyone else have thought out pressies and not have the same...

AmazingBouncingFerret · 07/06/2010 16:04

The good thing though, the Christmas tree lights still get used by my parents every year...

slushy06 · 07/06/2010 16:10

I would definitely say something (personally would stop the gifts if she is being unfair with them).

I remember my nan always used to buy me cheap little ornaments for me to put on my pretty cabinet one day she bought two round and my friend was there I was really upset at the time because she gave my friend the nicer ornament she had bought for me. I was more annoyed because he was a boy and not interested in a ornament. I was about 3yo maybe 4 I still remember this granted I now feel silly about the fuss I put up as I now understand that my friend did not have much which is why my nan gave him the nicer ornament [shame].

But for years it really upset me so it must be horrible for your ds when there is no nice action behind her actions to justify it.

biddysmama · 07/06/2010 16:12

we have an aunty like that, choses a favourite out of each set of children and suffocates them with stuff and ignores all the rest... she took my cousin and sister to disneyland, never even given me a birthday card!

Adair · 07/06/2010 16:15

Can't you mention 'ooh ds is really into dinosaurs/ben 10/lego/colouring at the moment...' in a conversation. She might just be a bit clueless what to get him. (Or even if not, might set her straight a bit)

BexieID · 07/06/2010 16:23

I hope I don't have this to come from the PIL. They bought a playgym for 5 month old Erin and got 4yo Tom loads of things so he didnt feel left out. Fair enough, but it had just been his birthday the month before and he'd been spoilt then!

5Foot5 · 07/06/2010 19:56

When it is your MIL's birthday or Christmas could you not send her an age inappropriate gift from your DS? A skipping rope or something.

SunSoakedStone · 07/06/2010 20:22

fruit???

Morloth · 07/06/2010 20:27

Perhaps you should confront her head on with this? It is actually quite nasty to act like that and your DS is being hurt and it won't do your DD any favours in the long term either.

thumbwitch · 07/06/2010 20:28

What a ghastly thing to do to a child. Pathetic behaviour.

I'd get DH to have a word - if DS does it, she's likely to consider him rude and badly brought up and use it as an excuse to never buy him anything ever again.

SE13Mummy · 07/06/2010 20:30

Could she be persuaded to bring something that the three could share/do together? A whole bowl of fruit/nice biscuits/cheap board game/glow in the dark balloons etc.?

I think you need to tell her that you appreciate her kindness but want to encourage the younger two in particular to share things and also not to expect gifts when people visit. Therefore, if she would like to bring something and see the children enjoying it there and then it'll need to be a shared thing otherwise gifts will be put away until a special occasion.