To tell MIL that her presents for DS are not age appropriate?

[ShadeofViolet]

MIL and DS1 have a bit of a strained relationship, mainly because she makes it so damn obvious that she prefers DD to him.

Anyway, she buys them a present when she visits, normally something small. I was a bit put out at first, as we normally only do gifts on special occasions rather than random gifts, but if thats what she wants to do its up to her.

However the things she buys for DS1 are not very appropriate for his age. The last three presents have been a Dot-to-dot book, a nursery rhyme DVD and a Goldilocks lift-the-flap book. He is 9.

Now should I say something? I dont know whether its a lack of caring on her part, as she buys DD beautiful gifts, and maybe DS1 is an afterthought, or whether she just doesnt understand that these things are quite babyish, and not aimed at children DS's age? How do I say anything without it coming across as a critisism?

swhat a horrid thing to do

i don't believe for a minute that she just doesn;'t know what to buy, or thinks that these are in any way approproate

next time she does it I would say vert pointedly, "oh MIL, I think you have given ds1 the wrong gift"

if she continues to do it i would ask her nicely not to, because it upsets ds1

Hmmm, normally I think you should suck it up with gifts but in this case I think you should say something.

MumNWLondon (4 words per page book for a 4 year old) - your MIL might have been trying, My DS is 3 1/2 and he still likes some simple books as well as more complex ones. I think he is using the simple ones to try and learn to read. I do know a 3 year old that can read fluently (and I guess quite a few 4 year olds can) but I would have thought they are in the minority.

You could take my mum's approach when her MIL consistently and blatantly favoured me over my younger DB. One day she turned up with a huge present for me (Think dolls house huge), it was not even my birthday. She had brought my DB a pack of playing cards. She was thrown out of the house followed by both presents and told that when she could treat us both the same she could come back, but other than that she could fuck off.

It is definately the more aggressive approach, but it worked in our house

Love it Bingtata - that sort of reaction makes you know how much your parents value you

I used to get a piece of tat jewellery from DGP and my brother always got a tenner. I know the jewellery probably cost a tenner, but I still resented him having something so much more useful that he could spend on what ever he wanted whereas I had someone else's poor taste inflicted on me. I know this makes me sound like a spoiled brat and I have never been good with badly chosen presents, but I think that the impact of this sort of thing stays with you till adulthood. It is in your MIL's best interest that you sort it out now or her relationship with your DS may be damaged.

Could you ask her straight out why she is deliberately being so hurtful to your DS by buying him presents that are so inappropriate for him (other than for him to hand on to his sister)?

Point out that he's a lovely boy and always says thank you nicely as that's what you should do for gifts, regardless of what they are but you want to know what you should tell him when he asks you why his granny doesn't love him/doesn't care about him like his sister/anything else that might get to her to make her realise how horrid she is being - whether deliberately or unintentionally.

Surely if she doesn't know what he wants she would be better off at his age to give him some money - at least then he could save up for something he does want.

Next time she does this, could you intervene (warning your ds that you are going to do this of course) and take the present from him, hand it back to your MIL and say this is really sweet of you but we already have one of these, belongs to dd so really not appropriate for ds1 or ds2, so please could you take it back for a refund, meanwhile if you give ds1 the cash he can get something lovely like you have managed to get for dd.

definitely think you don't have that much to lose if she is treating your family like this at the moment. Think attack is the best form of defence - you can be super nice while attacking her - but then at least your ds will see how much he means to you by your standing up for him!

My best friend used to have this. She would get 5 quid for Christmas and her brother would get a brand new set of golf clubs (for example) from their Aunt and Uncle.

It marred their relationship basically forever as it was so damn blatant.

We used to joke as teenagers that she was like Harry Potter and would eagerly anticipate what shit gift she would be given in comparison, but I know that in reality, it was really hurtful.

I always thought it was weird that her parents didn't step in somehow but seemed to tacitly approve of it.

she's either fair or her presents are banned, i think.

Ozziegirly (and others who have experienced this themselves) that is a shocking difference!
I still don't get how adults can behave so pathetically to children. Equal to all - it's the only fair way.

She does sound a bit strange.

I sometimes buy my DGD's little gifts like fancy hair clips, little "girly" things.

I ws aware that DGS (just 5) was missing out because let's face it, there's not a lot you can buy for boys that doesn't cost a fortune.

One day I took him shopping on his own (must to miss 7's disgust,she thinks I am her exclusive property).

We had a great day. We had lunch at a nice restaurant where we had a great conversation about what he has been up to. (He tells great stories)
He played at the play centre for a little while and then we went to the toy shop where he got really excited over an old fashioned raching car set.

That was his gift.

Juust realised I have used the word "great" heaps of times.

I'm leaving it as it is because I had a wonderful day with DGS and that's just HOW i FEEL. He's a beautiful boy.

"DS was the first GC and an only child for 6 years, she poured all over him for all that time, then moved on a bit when we had DS2, then dumped them both like a hot potato when I had DD."

The fact that she favours each child as they're born and then moves onto the younger suggests to me that this isn't about preferring an individual, so much as it's about preferring babies to children and wanting to keep them infantilised.

Violet, when your son was 6 and an only child, was she buying things appropriate for a 6 year old? Is it the case that she's sort of 'stalled' at a particular age? It doesn't sound like she's getting your daughter much more expensive presents, or anything, like Ozzie's example, just that she has lost the thread of what is age appropriate after a certain age.

Either way, though, I think SEMummy's idea of encouraging group gifts is a brilliant one.

Read Horrid Henry's underpants to your son and have a private laugh about it, maybe

we have this problem with DHs parents. they favour SILs DCs (is that too many acronyms already?). for example, at xmas, bringing 2 extra suitcases of presents for SILs DCs all beautifully wrapped etc etc and a crappy charity shop hand puppet for DD in a plastic baggie. i shit you not.

DH asked his parents flat out what they thought they were doing and they said that they hadnt bought anything else because 'frikonastick is so fussy about these things' which is so blatantly untrue that DH laughed like a drain.

luckily DD is still too young to notice (i hope anyway) but im not sure how we are going to deal with them going forward. except maybe never having joint xmas days where PILs can openly display their preferences.

I think you should just say immediately after she gives them to you 'oh, than k you so much. It's just a shame that this is really too young for him. I tell you what he's really into at the moment is..."

I agree with Aitch.

This is not a case of simple inappropriate presents from a grandparent without a clue, or presents when you don't want them.
Blatant favouritism is completely unfair and should not be allowed.

A tactful way round this would be for dh to say that as ds is clearly so difficult to buy for ,at the moment he is saving up for a nintendo ds/bike/wii/roller skates etc etc and would she mind instead just giving him money towards that?

Why would you NOT want it you sound like criticism? It sounds like she should be criticised.

Agree this is very age inappropriate and from a grandparent I would mention it, or better still get your husband to mention it so you don't get the blame. He should be sorting his parents out not you.

A lift the flap book! That doesn't sound accidental to me. I'd say something.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions. I think I am going to put a stop to presents altogether, its not good for them to have gifts every single week - my house is full of enough tat as it is. I dont think she will be able to move past the DD bias - its not just with gifts (I have posted before) about time, days out etc. The gifts are not a massive difference in price I dont think, but you can tell the extra though was there with DD. When she gave DS1 the Dot-to-dot, she gave DD a hand knitted doll that she asked her friend to make - she told us this when she gave it to her.

tortoise - MIL is a baby person, but she also always longed for a girl. She once told my DH (at a family party when she was a bit tiddled) that she wished he was a girl, and that she regrets not having a girl. When I found out I was having DD it was my birthday 2 months before I had her. She handed me a card and said 'I havent got you a gift as you will be getting the best present in the world in a couple of months - a daughter'

Coalition - I dont want it to sound like a critisims as she will just play the victim and I will become Horrid Violet who begrudges her gifts blah blah.

Say you are raising money for [fill in name of charity] and all toys are going there...

I can understand why you don't want to criticise her - I imagine you are sorely tempted, though.

I would want to sit her down and explain clearly how she is upsetting her eldest grandchild by her behaviour - express it in terms of the childrens' feelings rather than criticising her behaviour.

I think you do need to put a stop to this for the sake of your DC's relationships.

Never mind your crazy MIL and whether they like or don't like her as they grow up - but it would be so sad if your DS1 and DS2 grew up to resent their little sister because of this, or to resent you and your DH for not stepping in on their behalf.

Buy her a boob tube or a thong bikini for her Christmas, then aske her how she likes it?