To tell MIL that her presents for DS are not age appropriate?

[ShadeofViolet]

MIL and DS1 have a bit of a strained relationship, mainly because she makes it so damn obvious that she prefers DD to him.

Anyway, she buys them a present when she visits, normally something small. I was a bit put out at first, as we normally only do gifts on special occasions rather than random gifts, but if thats what she wants to do its up to her.

However the things she buys for DS1 are not very appropriate for his age. The last three presents have been a Dot-to-dot book, a nursery rhyme DVD and a Goldilocks lift-the-flap book. He is 9.

Now should I say something? I dont know whether its a lack of caring on her part, as she buys DD beautiful gifts, and maybe DS1 is an afterthought, or whether she just doesnt understand that these things are quite babyish, and not aimed at children DS's age? How do I say anything without it coming across as a critisism?

I also think you should try to put a stop to this now since it is not just your DSs resentment you might have to worry about but also the effect it could have on your DD as she gets older and notices the differences for herself.

It reminds me of a family who lived near us when I was growing up. They had a DD and DS slightly older than me and a Gran (Dad's Mum) living next door. My Mum knew their mum so would often hear her sounding off about her MIL. One reason for this was her blatant favouritism of their DD over their DS.

When they were small it was disparity over gifts, e.g. one Easter the DD got a big, elaborate expensive egg and the DS got a cheap little Cadbury's one.

Later she started giving them pocket money but the DD always got a bit more because "She is older so she needs a bit more!"

One occasion I remember their Mum being really put out. The kids would have been about 11 and 13 IIRC. By then they had developed a very different approach with money, i.e. DD spent her pocket money immediately while the DS saved some of his towards special events and purchases. Anyway, the family were going on holiday - both kids had known about this for weeks. A day or two before they went the DS proudly anounced he had saved £X for spending money, his sister was sulking because she had nothing left - apart from that weeks pocket money. Gran was there and she promptly took out her purse and gave the DD £X. When their Mum objected she said she was "Just making them alike" and refused to see why her DIL was so upset about this.

The last example I can recall was when the DD passed her driving test and Gran dug in to her savings and bought her a car!. Needless to say when the DS passed his a couple of years later the gesture was not repeated.

It is easy to wonder why on earth the family did not put their foot down with her but I guess it was hard when they were living so close. Even so if they had been a bit tougher at the Easter egg stage they might have prevented such inequality later.

Your poor DS, i would be inclined to think her behaviour is a deliberate snub.

I would also say something if I were you.

My nan was Welsh, my mum born here in England but her younger sister (my aunt) was born in Wales. My aunt went on to marry a Welshman and live in Wales, my mum married an English man and lived in England. My cousins were born in Wales and my Nan made no secret of the fact that she preferred the welsh cousins to me and my sister.

One Christmas we got a selection box each from her, and my cousins (all 3 of them) got mountain bikes each, plus a whole sack of pressies.

When she died she left all her money to our cousins and a necklace for me and my sister (sad)

It still makes me sad now to think that our own nanny didn't love us very much and I really urge you to say something to your mil.

Having just stuck my neck out on another thread about how you can't 'expect' things from family members, only be grateful for what is freely given, I'm going to rein my neck straight back in now - am at the nursery rhyme book and the goldilocks lift the flap book!! I could maybe find something charitable to think about the dot-to-dot book if she's a bit clueless, but the other two... Poor DS and poor you!

You've had lots of good advice here, I hope you find a way of resolving your problem.

Oh, and your DS sounds incredibly polite and mature; you must be very proud of him.

i agree with mummycake, as harsh treatment by GPs when you are young DOES stay with you for life, dont let her keep on. cant DH adress with her?

"I also think you should try to put a stop to this now since it is not just your DSs resentment you might have to worry about but also the effect it could have on your DD as she gets older and notices the differences for herself".

Could not have put it better myself. Blatant favourtism like this shown towards a sibling is picked up on by the others also causing them great problems as adults if you do not act upon this now.

Both of you need to sit this woman down asap and say something to the effec that the favourtism in terms of gifts stops forthwith or she no longer visits your home. She needs to be firmly told that all of your children within this house are treated equally and thus she has to do the same.
You've tolerated this for too long and she will continue to do this the longer you allow it to.

So bloody what if MIL acts the victim over all this (actually that behaviour shows you her true nature). Your children are all victims here of her favouritism, even the "most favoured". It is a lack of caring on her part. You cannot and should not tolerate such crappy behaviour from the MIL any more; you would not like a friend of yours to do this would you?. MIL is no different in that regard.

This is very sad. She is driving a real rift in the family by showing such blatant favouritism. My granny did this and yes, I still remember it. It does stay with you through life. My mother often wanted to address this, but my dad wouldn't let her criticise his mother (although she was ghastly, he would never admit it).

It also sounds as though she is manipulative, she gives gifts, so you should thank her, but they are terrible gifts, but if you say anything, you are made to feel ungrateful...and when she is criticised she acts the victim, cries and makes YOU feel guilty rather than acknowledge her crap behaviour. She may have some traits of narcissitic personality disorder, or she may just be very very misguided.

Another issue is that the "favoured" child becomes unnaturally attached to the granny who then criticises the parents and siblings. My granny did this, and when you are young, you believe it. It is very confusing. I loved my paretns and my granny, yet Granny was telling me my parents were rubbish. I was too young to see her for what she was and enjoyed the gifts and extra sweets that my brother didn't get. I am older and wiser now.

Family friends used to bring me child-age books when I was five or six, but was already reading at an adult level. However, it's pretty obvious even to someone without children that these gifts aren't quite appropriate? This isn;t a case of being from a different generation and kids 'growing up quicker' now.

Mind you, the last Christmas present my dad bought me was a kind of starter make-up kit from a pound shop when I was 24 and using things like MAC, and a pink polyester scarf despite that I never ever wore pink (he also bought my mother CDs from a charity shop that year, despite being very un-poor). I would honestly have just preferred a fiver in a card.

Violet - cripes, she sounds awful. Who tells their own child they were a disappointment because of their genitalia?

You could help her 'get the message' with a bit of passive agression. Next christmas buy your father in law a well thought out impressive present and your mother in law something equal in price but inappropriate which you know is not her taste. Maybe then it will hit home.