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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it wouldnt kill my sister to stay with me for a week?

92 replies

fernie3 · 06/06/2010 23:18

My baby is due the first week of August and we have three older children. My dad will look after the three older ones while I am in labour (this is a shock in itself but that's another story). My last two have been a month early because of preeclampsia and I have been todl to expect this one to be induced early too which would put me at early July. My dad has recently found out that he has to go away on business for the first week of July so if the baby is born then I would have to go into hospital to have it alone while possibly not feeling too well as with my last baby.We really dont know anyone else who would look after the older ones.

My sister lives about 200 miles away and doesnt work, has no children and no reason that she cant come and stay for a week so she would be here IF I have the baby then (assuming I havent had it before then as I already have preeclampsia). I have travelled on the bus to see her before now so she knows I would be there in a flash for her.

She is refusing point blank to consider it. Am I being unreasonable to be upset with her?

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 06/06/2010 23:21

Probably too overwhelming for her to look after three other children if she has no experience....why can't the father look after the children?

Linziwam · 06/06/2010 23:22

YANBU, what reasons has she given for not wanting to be there for you?

Vallhala · 06/06/2010 23:23

Yes. She is under no obligation to you. She isn't messing you around, has told you no outright, which isn't what you want to hear but you should respect that.

As you say, she has no children. Maybe she isn't keen on the idea of being obligated to look after someone else's. We might love and drop everything for our own DC but that doesn't mean that everyone does, or should.

Original poster
fernie3 · 06/06/2010 23:23

he can but he would like to be at the birth..if no one else will he will be looking after them I dont really fancy being on my own in hospital especially if not well.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 06/06/2010 23:24

Yes, if she has no kids and doesn't work then she may find looking after 3 kids too much. Getting a friend to look after them for the day whilst you are in labour if necessary may be more sensible.

Sazisi · 06/06/2010 23:24

Scurry, I think she wants their father to be with her for what might be a very difficult birth

Sazisi · 06/06/2010 23:24

cross-posted

faerie07 · 06/06/2010 23:25

Before I had children I would have freaked out looking after any nieces and nephews for a few days, let alone a week. How old are your children?

scurryfunge · 06/06/2010 23:26

Ok...does the father have any family that could assist?

Original poster
fernie3 · 06/06/2010 23:27

my children are 5,3 and 1 but she has plenty of experience with children and has looked after them before when we have been up there to visit her (we went last christmas to stay) so I dont think that it would be an issue for her especially only for a few hours.

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityhat · 06/06/2010 23:28

Why doesn't your sister work?

cat64 · 06/06/2010 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Vallhala · 06/06/2010 23:30

Okay, I was wrong in my guess then.

Has she given a reason why she is saying no? Any ideas, if not?

Original poster
fernie3 · 06/06/2010 23:30

scurryfunge my husbands family live even further away than my sisters and are not close we really dont have anyone else, its just me, him, the kids, my dad very rarely (but he has offered help on this one) and my sister. We both moved out at 17 and actually my sister lived with us for a while while she was a teenager and so up until now I thought we were quite close.

OP posts:
Sazisi · 06/06/2010 23:31

I can totally see your point fernie, but I think that's not the kind of thing you can really expect of someone, it would be really nice if she did it, but you can't expect it.

What are her excuses reasons?

Original poster
fernie3 · 06/06/2010 23:33

bibbity - she lives with her fiancee who works and they have decided she wont. I just let them get on with it its better than arguing. I have no idea why she doesnt want to come she wont even discuss it. I had better just get used to the idea I suppose and not be so quick to rush to her when she asks.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 06/06/2010 23:34

I don't think you can force her and she must have her reasons. It is a difficult situation that you may have to organise a babysitter for, in combination with DH flitting back and to as and when required.

As difficult as the birth may be, if there is no one else to help then DH will have to juggle both somehow.

bibbitybobbityhat · 06/06/2010 23:45

I think its a big ask of someone. Especially someone who lives 200 miles away.

maddy68 · 06/06/2010 23:47

friends? neighbours?
Perhaps her partner doesn't want her to be away or something - if she doesnt want to then at least she has been honest and upfront

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/06/2010 02:32

Hmm. I know I'm inclined to see the worst-case scenario in everything, but you're last comment got my radar going fernie3.

She doesn't work, this is a decision taken by her and fiance together. You comment "I just let them get on with it its better than arguing.", would it be fair to guess that her not working has been argued about discussed in the past? She isn't coming to help out her sister, who has until now considered their relationship to be close. I'm just thinking that perhaps her fiance has vetoed persuaded her not to come? Do you consider him controlling at all?

kickassangel · 07/06/2010 02:49

would you be booked in to have the baby, and have some time to put things into place, or is it likely to be an emergency rush?
are there any other parents you know who could take the kids? after all, it is only if the baby comes in that particular week, so not highly likely, but can you have a couple of other families who could take the kids between them, IF needed?
tbh, asking her to come 200 miles for a 'maybe' situation is asking quite a lot.

i realise it's stressful, but i'm sure people will help out if asked.

thumbwitch · 07/06/2010 02:54

That's sad for you fernie but I have some sympathy with your sis, I'm afraid - if my sister had asked me to stay for a week to help look after her DDs while she was in hospital with the 3rd I would have also refused, having no experience of looking after DC for longer than a couple of hours. At those ages, it would be hard going for her - and you say it would only be a few hours but you asked her to come for a week - are you sure she doesn't think she would be looking after them solo for the whole week? That would have turned my blood cold - a few hours is a very different prospect but 200m is a long wat to come for a few hours babysitting.

At 5, your oldest should have some school/pre-school friends - what about their mothers? would they be able/willing to help out?

Enidwoodlouse · 07/06/2010 02:56

YANBU - of course your sister should come and help out.

CantSupinate · 07/06/2010 05:15

Sounds like what you're really upset about is the lopsidedness -- OP feels that she's "been there" a lot for her sister in the past, so she had hoped that the sister would "be there" for OP now.

Thing is, you have no idea what private issues the sis might be going thru but she can't tell you about right now (for whatever reason). In which case, I think it might be fair for OP to press her sister to give a concrete reason why not, but respect that reason once it's out there.

You'll have to find another way to muddle thru, I'm afraid.

Goblinchild · 07/06/2010 07:54

If you weren't related to your sister, would you be friends?
if not, then that may be the explanation as to why she's reluctant. You are stuck with relatives, but you may not like them much.

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