To dare to hope for some actual HELP from DS's grandparents occasionally?

[gaelicsheep]

ie after I have this baby (imminent). They are coming up "to look after DS" during/after the birth. Except

a) they are coming in a motorhome with only one passenger seat, so they cannot take DS anywhere, pick him up from anywhere, etc.

b) they will not contemplate hiring a car, DF can't drive our car because it's a manual and DM won't drive

The bottom line is that if I go into labour while DS is at nursery, DGPs cannot/will not pick him up meaning we'll have to get friends to do so and meet them here at our house to hand him over. That's not right is it?

They have never once babysat DS or taken him out on their own in his whole 4 years of life. They live a long way away but they visit very often (I think because we live somewhere they enjoy going on holiday anyway).

AIBU to hope for a little more from them in the way of willingness to give practical help? I feel it is all on their terms and DS is seriously missing out on a proper relationship with them. Or am I just being grumpy and pregnant? DH is ready to deck them right now - the car issue is the last straw for him.

Is there anyone elose you can ask to help with your Ds?

They sound like they dont want to help you at all!

Oh and the other thing is that I don't think they even see that DS is going to need some special time and attention after the baby comes. DM's reaction when I said we were buying him a present when the baby's born (a scooter he's wanted for ages) was that they didn't get me anything. Honestly, I don't think they would even think to turn up with anything for him. And don't they see that he might enjoy some special time one on one time with his grandparents? GRRRR.

My blardy DB is the same. He got all offended when I asked him to wait a little while (a week or two) before travelling hundreds of miles to see me and the baby after the birth, and my suggestion that it would be good for DS to have family around for a longer period seemed to fall on deaf ears.

Is my family particularly crap?!

You're right Corona - that's the impression we get too. We have friends on standby at the moment until a week before the due date. The contrast couldn't be more stark. They're quite willing to be woken at stupid o'clock in the morning and drive to the hospital to meet us and take DS back to stay at theirs for as long as necessary. They're also willing to pick DS up from nursery and take him back to theirs if I go into hospital while he's there. That makes the whole grandparents thing doubly embarrassing. You'd think you wouldn't still have to rely on friends when your parents are around, would you?

If I go into labour at night, my parents have reluctantly agreed to come and meet us here and stay over - they're preferred option was for us to drag DS out of bed and dump him with them in a 2 berth motorhome for god knows how many hours. But the nursery problem seems insurmountable.

But why? It only needs one of them to collect him from nursery. The other one can stay at your house. So he can have the passenger seat.

Perhaps they feel that when they come up to see you they are coming to see the whole family. They may want to come in a motorhome because they think you wouldn't want house guests when you're going to have a new baby. Or perhaps they want to be able to break their journey (you said they lived a long way away). Or maybe they are just a bit set in their ways and can't handle living in someone else's space.

Or perhaps they are a bit clueless and have forgotten how exhausting having a young family can be.

Whatever the situation really is, they can't be mind-readers, so why don't you just ask for help.

I don't think you can assume either that all grandparents are hands-on, and signed up for regular childcare. Many just want to come and cuddle, then enjoy their retirement hobbies. And after 40 years down the mines (or wherever), who can blame them?

Good point about the taxi. I hadn't thought of that. Although on these roads for the distance we're talking about, without a car seat - I'm not that keen, but needs must I suppose.

The other thing is that when I mentioned to my mum that I wanted to be out of hospital as soon as possible, she said "oh but you'll need to rest. YOu won't be able to rest when you get home". Now I know all about new babies and the hard work etc. But I will have two parents and a DH around and I won't be able to rest?! WTF!

Reading the rest of your posts, they do sound more like the clueless category!

Don't feel too bad about putting upon your mates - they sound great, and willing to help out. They clearly have kids and know how hard it can be at times

Hocuspontas - that's a very good point too! Can't believe I haven't thought of that (they clearly haven't either - they're joined at the hip). But no, you see, my dad wouldn't be able to deal with him on his own cos he has a severe back problem and wouldn't be able to lift him. Don't think he'd take the risk of going on his own, and my mum can't drive the motorhome.

Lagrandissima - we offered for them to stay with us but they won't because we only have one bathroom.

I think it's that they're a bit clueless tbh, but hints don't work, outright requests don't work. I'm running out of ideas tbh.

My parents are similar but they have made it absolutely clear to me that it is my choice to have DC and that they are under no obligation to unburden me of my commitments. This is true isn't it? It's a shame but true.

I don't get why my parents are so unwilling - maybe they'd had enough by the time me and my sister left home. I just don't think we can expect anything of others, only hope. Family or not I think this is the case in life.

So I don't think YABU in that I understand your dismay but I do think YABU to expect something that has not been explicitly offered pre the decision to have children iyswim?

I can't even offer a good argument in my favour to my parents as they had no help either when they had us. DM's mother was dead, and her father didn't want to know and my Dad's parents were hours and hours drive away plus also weren't that fussed about us as DGC.

Sorry, it sucks I know.

Hobbgoblin - I think the problem with my parents is they think they are helping when sometimes they're doing the exact opposite!

So actually what happens is they offer to "help" but then proceed to arrange things so that it's actually impossible in practice.

Avril - that's a really sensible suggestion, thanks. I think I am getting too bogged down in this now and I can't see the wood for the trees!

Ah! I see. Speaking only from personal experience of only my very own parents I must say that as they get older their organisational skills deteriorate to the extent that trying to organise a piss up in a brewery would probaby cause some kind of heart failure. There is suddenly this total inability to empathise with people in any given situation that requires solutions.

I have just made up a name for the affliction:
degenerative person focussed solution finding syndrome

Just take up your mates' offer to collect DS from hospital/nursery, give them your parents' mobile number, and get them to take DS home to be with his grandparents when the time comes.

Be explicit with what you expect from your parents - write it down if necessary. But don't beat yourself up about it. Some grandparents go the extra mile, others just want to coo, drink tea, and leave the cups round your lounge.

Also, could you buy a toy for DS, wrap it and tell your parents to give it to DS. Then buy another toy for DS, wrap it and tell him that that one is from the new baby. Let DS cuddle the baby and tell him he is the best big brother in the world - lay it on thick - he'll be fine

You're probably right that I just need to accept they're a bit crap.

Said friends have plenty of their own problems - they have 2 young DCs and one of our friends really isn't well herself. I don't really want to put on them any more than necessary. It's nearly an hour's drive from their house to ours, via the nursery/hospital, so not a small favour by any stretch. I don't think my parents should get off the hook, so I will be asking them to get a taxi to the nursery if needs be.

I think YANBU. Your parents presumably raised you, cared for you, turned you out into the world as a competent adult. Did they ask you to procreate? Did they beg you for DGC? Why is it now their responsibility to dance attendance to you because you've chosed to enlarge your family? I know it's hard and it would really help to have their support, but I think it's childish and selfish to demand it. They are 'a bit crap' and shouldn't 'get off the hook'? They've raised you - that was their job. What you do afterwards is up to you.

Sorry meant YABU.

YABU. I just don't get the sensse of entitlement people have on here when it comes to families. Your parents aren't offering the right kind of help, your brother isn't coming when you want him to. The charitable thing is to put it down to your hormones, otherwise you sound extremly petulant.

Take it from someone further down the line from you, learn how to accept how they are, focus on the fact that they will see your children and have a relationship which will be good for your children.

Thank your lucky stars that you have friends you can rely and put any bitterness you might start to feel firmly away. Never compare what your parents do or don't do compared to others, just be grateful they are around.

For now do either the taxi option or let your friend get DS. I know it's hard but some parents just aren't helpful. I don't think they realise what they are doing, it's just the way they are. Make the most of the time that they are relatively well and you're not worrying about them on a daily basis. I know that sounds a bit negative but having pretty independent parents who do want to see their grandchildren (even if they don't help out) is a good thing, that sadly you don't fully appreciate until situations change.

sorry but YABU

Firstly, the present giving (plus demanding others give presents to your oldest DS) in anticipation of sibling rivalry is a unnecessary and OTT IMHO. Most DC love having a baby in the family, and there is no need to bribe them.

Also, asking them to rent (and pay) a car goes too far.

I mean, you could ask if they would be able to pick up DC and they might be planning to take a bus? or walk? Else, he might be at home for a few days once baby is born?

Sorry but you sound ungrateful and with a bit too much of a sense of entitlement and expecting others to do eveything your way.

They don´t sound crap at all.

If you want a hire car, hire it yourself and put a car seat in it for the scenario you describe. If you think that sounds expensive, well, probably so did they.

Its nice that they are coming. They will probably need a little bit of encouragement or direction regarding helping you - they are probably not that proactive. My parents raised me and a brother but it is an eye opener how much they forget.

YABU

They will never be the grandparents you want them to be and there's nothing you can do to make them change so it's pointless getting yourself stressed by them.It's a waste of energy. I know from bitter experience.
Once I realised that my MIL's idea of helping was coming to stay and be waited on hand and foot and ignoring ds then I didn't get quite so annoyed - I just have to grit my teeth and get on with it. Took a while.
You'll have a new baby and you should just accept in advance they are a bit crap and let your dh get on with managing them. I do sympathise.

My family are the same - my parents agreed to have DS when I was in labour with DD but when I actually rang them (with contractions 5 minutes apart when my last labour was 1.5 hours) they told me they would be there in a couple of hours as were just about to have lunch...

Your parents have no obligation to do this - what help they offer is up to them. If they decide to never do anything that is their choice.

However what I struggle with is that I feel they should want to help. I know I certainly would. It is that which is hurtful. Maybe things change when your DC's grow up but if my DC's were having babies and I was retired I would want to do anything to make it easier for them. It is the difference in attitude and the confusion over why they dont appear to care which hurts.

It really doesn't sound like they're going to contribute much, in fact they're going to be more of a burden than anything else. And that is the point where you need to stop them from coming until a few days/weeks after the birth, when you've got a bit of a family routine established. Be grateful they exist as family, but if they are not being helpful, you are the ones who say when they can be there. Tell your brother that as well. It would worry me immensely that your mother is already predicting that you will have no time after the birth - you need to be concentrating on the baby, not looking after them.

We have no other family members where we live and have learned to manage by ourselves and with a network of good friends. My mum (who would love to be a real help but has major heart problems and never came to terms with the language or culture we live in) has never been a practical help, but we value the fact that she is there as a grandparent (as Wynken says), playing games with the kids, sending silly presents etc. But because we are not reliant on her practical help, we can say when it's convenient for her to stay or not.

Lagrandissima - 'Some grandparents go the extra mile, others just want to coo, drink tea, and leave the cups round your lounge'

If they're just going to cause you extra work when you least need it, then to be honest you need to tell them to eff off.

So why don't you tell your parents, 'since you're not prepared to be of real practical help to me by being able to drive DS, I'd rather you only come a few days after the baby's born'. Maybe that will make them reconsider. Or not. It's not your loss, though, if you've made other plans already.