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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dare to hope for some actual HELP from DS's grandparents occasionally?

65 replies

gaelicsheep · 06/06/2010 21:37

ie after I have this baby (imminent). They are coming up "to look after DS" during/after the birth. Except

a) they are coming in a motorhome with only one passenger seat, so they cannot take DS anywhere, pick him up from anywhere, etc.

b) they will not contemplate hiring a car, DF can't drive our car because it's a manual and DM won't drive

The bottom line is that if I go into labour while DS is at nursery, DGPs cannot/will not pick him up meaning we'll have to get friends to do so and meet them here at our house to hand him over. That's not right is it?

They have never once babysat DS or taken him out on their own in his whole 4 years of life. They live a long way away but they visit very often (I think because we live somewhere they enjoy going on holiday anyway).

AIBU to hope for a little more from them in the way of willingness to give practical help? I feel it is all on their terms and DS is seriously missing out on a proper relationship with them. Or am I just being grumpy and pregnant? DH is ready to deck them right now - the car issue is the last straw for him.

OP posts:
snublebuss · 07/06/2010 07:58

they sound like they just haven't a clue how things are done nowdays... it is a much more tolerant, emotionally mature world we live in. My parents are the same in so many ways - stunningly emotionally immature - i find I get least frustrated by them when I try to work out what they're thinking and then nicely teach them (like a pair of four year olds) how it gets done on my planet.

Your home, your new baby, your planet. Not theirs. As long as you continue to smile and jolly them along like 4 year olds, they're probably going to do what you want...

compo · 07/06/2010 08:00

Yabu

the comment from your mum about not being able to rest at home was a purely innocent and true remark
it's hard to rest when you can hear your dh/ parents doing everything all wrong re looking after ds and housework and in her day people did stay in hospital longer after giving birth

secondly I'd give my left arm for my inlaws to stay in a mitorhome rather than be in my house 24/7 just after giving birth

maybe it's hormones making you unreasonable

MintHumbug · 07/06/2010 08:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BalloonSlayer · 07/06/2010 08:09

Aren't you allowed to travel in the back of a motorhome then? I thought you could. We always did, but then this was the seventies.

ItsAllaBitNoisy · 07/06/2010 08:21

I think your parents should put you on the naughty step.

Put it down to hormones.

bearcrumble · 07/06/2010 08:29

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Families help each other out - I'm sure there are times you've gone out of your way to help your parents. It is reciprocal aid not 'having a sense of entitlement'. I really don't get people who say you shouldn't expect anything from your parents. What ae families for if not unconditional, mutual support.

I wonder why people tend to get more thoughtless after a certain age? I will certainly do my best as I get older to remember it is a possibiliy and try not to go that way myself.

You do need to be clear about what you need though and give them room to be honest about what they can manage taking their age and dad's infirnity into account.

PuppyMonkey · 07/06/2010 08:30

Oh yes, they sound really "crap" - fancy daring to come and offer to help you out. Shame on them for being so utterly useless.

PuppyMonkey · 07/06/2010 08:31

Perhaps they'll do you a massive favour and tell you that they're not coming any more.

sarah293 · 07/06/2010 08:44

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libelulle · 07/06/2010 09:43

YANBU. I really don't understand this 'they have no obligation to help' business other posters have put forward. I don't see that the responsibilities of parenthood suddenly stop when your children are grown-up. I don't mean that gps should jump to command and provide on-tap childcare, but for pity's sake, the OP is having another baby; it's hardly an unreasonable time to call on family ties for a couple of days. And Puppymonkey- it's not a real offer of 'help' if the OP still has to call on friends in the middle of the night to do the bits her parents can't be bothered to do!

I think family obligations are lifelong, and in both directions; don't have children if you're intending to disengage totally from their lives once they are grown up! Of course in practice that kind of support doesn't always happen, sometimes for good reasons, but in this case YA definitely NBU to be pissed off. Make no mistake it is selfishness on their part.

AvrilHeytch · 07/06/2010 09:44

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GeekOfTheWeek · 07/06/2010 09:52

For those whos parents and in laws refuse to help, will you help them in their old age?

sarah293 · 07/06/2010 09:57

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Alibabaandthe40nappies · 07/06/2010 09:59

The thing is, that no they don't actually have an obligation.

But then in a few years time when they are more infirm and need help, you don't have an obligation to help them either.

My parents made it very clear that they didn't want to be involved in regular babysitting/childcare when I was pregnant with DS, they have their own lives and are both still working part-time.
But, in an emergency or occasionally when DH and I have gone out for a meal while staying at theirs they will happily look after him.
I know they will come and stay when I have another DC, and Mum will do the cooking, laundry, take DS to playgroup etc. Her mum always came to help when she had us though, so the expectation is there I guess.

diddl · 07/06/2010 10:06

Well-no help-but I´ll just give you an insight into clueless.

Had to ask ILs to look after PFB whilst I had 2nd.

Waters broke & I phoned to tell them to make their way over.(They were an hour away)

MIL-"oh-I´ve just put a casserole in the oven-what should I do-I can´t think-I´ll have to put you on to FIL"

FIL-"So what time will you be having this baby then?"

Oh how I cried on the way in to hospital.
Not pain, but that my poor PFB had been left with these people.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 07/06/2010 10:12

Yeah, had something similar. Was in labor all day in hospital with DS. MIL was looking after DD, but calling asking, 'how much longer' on DP's mobile . Midwife said it would be at least a couple more hours, so DP dashed home to see DD and make sure mil was OK. He called mil and asked if he could bring her some fish and chips. She said, 'oooh, don't really fancy fish and chips, could you stop at the Chinese I like?' (on the other side of town).

diddl · 07/06/2010 10:30

My husband also left me in the hospital to check up on PFB & ILs.

Fortunately only 15mins away.
But that´s saying something, isn´t it?

We had been there 3hrs & nothing happening.

Well, I was apparently in labour but couldn´t feel anything.

Of course, just after he left, I went to the loo & there was blood.
Called the MW-I was 8cms.

I remember being in a wheelchair, flying past the desk & MW shouting-"call this one´s husband back-QUICK!"

bibbitybobbityhat · 07/06/2010 10:42

Gaelic - I don't understand how you can rely on them to pick up your son from nursery, or get to you in the middle of the night, or whatever, if they live "a long way away". Surely you will have to have someone more local on standby?

They seem to be happy to come and help out and are encouraging you to stay in hospital for a day or two if you can (seems sensible to me) and will be staying in their motorhome so, thankfully, out of your hair.

It all seems good to me.

The thing about expecting them to give a gift to your first child is just ridiculous, if you don't mind me saying. Presumably you will be giving him a gift "from the new baby", isn't that enough?

WidowWadman · 07/06/2010 10:43

Have you offered to hire a car for them, fwiw? Or looked up the cost of hiring a car? I think it's a bit much to ask, tbh.

Shelpit · 07/06/2010 14:06

Why don't you just keep your child at home, missing a few days at nursery would not harm him, if fact he might enjoy some special time with his mum!

You say:
"They have never once babysat DS or taken him out on their own in his whole 4 years of life. They live a long way away but they visit very often (I think because we live somewhere they enjoy going on holiday anyway)."

Perhaps they enjoy visiting and spending time with all of you, and why should they be your babysitter? As they live a long way away I should imagine that they assume you have made your own babysitting arrangements.

What a catty comment to say that they only come because you live somewhere nice, in fact it seems to me that your parents seem to know just how to handle their spoilt daughter.

Original poster
gaelicsheep · 07/06/2010 21:37

Thanks for the helpful comments. Sorry so many of you have families who have no sense of obligation to one another. FWIW, I will always feel a sense of obligation in the other direction and would do anything needed to help my parents out as and when the time comes. What a sad world we live in.

OP posts:
Original poster
gaelicsheep · 07/06/2010 21:44

Actually I'd forgotten how many people in this topic get off on making people feel rotten. Sad really. Hey ho - thank God for rl friends eh?

OP posts:
oprahfan · 07/06/2010 23:05

Hey Gaelicsheep, totally sympathise, my parents lived 500 miles away, IL were a load of bollards to be honest. Go ahead and give the gift to DS,if it feel right, do it. I'm also afraid to say that they have no obligation to babysit, my IL never babysat, and it did my head in, I wondered what was wrong with my kids!!! But they reasoned that because they were left on their own to bring up their kids, you have to do the same, in my MIL words, 'just get on with it'. How nice! It's so tough, I'm sorry to hear how you feel...you will come through the other side, and you will be more resilient because of the situation....don't waste time fretting, worrying, it won't make a blind bit of difference...easy for me to say, but been through it. You will feel a bit hormonal, tearful, totally normal. Life's a real bag o' fun, eh?!!!! Good luck to you, sleep tight xx

Original poster
gaelicsheep · 07/06/2010 23:12

Thanks oprahfan. The gift thing is no biggie at all - it's more the attitude that DS doesn't seem to matter and should just get on with dealing with the new baby on his own that pees me off. IMO DS is the most important person to consider, and I don't mean in terms of lavishing him with presents, just that he will need lots of love and attention. I don't see that forthcoming from my family who will be totally preoccupied with the new addition.

Of course they have no obligation to babysit. Except that they know we can't find a local babysitter and that we haven't been out on our own in 4 years, so I don't personally think that once would hurt while they're staying 2 minutes down the road. But perhaps that's just me being "spoilt" and "petulant"...

OP posts:
oprahfan · 07/06/2010 23:27

Hi Gaelicsheep, went through exactly the same thing....hadn't gone out for 5/6 years either!!!!!!! PIL also 2 mins from our hoose, but no, you're not being spolit or petulant, you have reasonable expectations, it's a shame, it's so simple, but they ain't forthcoming. In the end, I put DS1 to my friends hoose whilst I was in labour, not his blood relatives, they didn't bloody offer either!!!!!!
It will be a tough few weeks for new once the new addition to your family arrives, have you got any good people around you in your community? You'll be very suprised who could help..........things have a funny way of turning out for the better..HANG IN THERE!!!!