To dare to hope for some actual HELP from DS's grandparents occasionally?

[gaelicsheep]

ie after I have this baby (imminent). They are coming up "to look after DS" during/after the birth. Except

a) they are coming in a motorhome with only one passenger seat, so they cannot take DS anywhere, pick him up from anywhere, etc.

b) they will not contemplate hiring a car, DF can't drive our car because it's a manual and DM won't drive

The bottom line is that if I go into labour while DS is at nursery, DGPs cannot/will not pick him up meaning we'll have to get friends to do so and meet them here at our house to hand him over. That's not right is it?

They have never once babysat DS or taken him out on their own in his whole 4 years of life. They live a long way away but they visit very often (I think because we live somewhere they enjoy going on holiday anyway).

AIBU to hope for a little more from them in the way of willingness to give practical help? I feel it is all on their terms and DS is seriously missing out on a proper relationship with them. Or am I just being grumpy and pregnant? DH is ready to deck them right now - the car issue is the last straw for him.

Hey gaelicsheep we get the old 'no one helped us, either, so I don't see why we should' argument... Both sets of parents live at vast distances to us... my own mum is GREAT, my mil not so much (she's the one who gave us that classic comment above). She DID actually take DS for one night last Christmas (first time overnight). He was 2.5. I was 6 months pregnant. She argued with DH for 45 minutes about exactly how long we would be, when (exactly) we would be back and how would she get to see her horse that day, if she was looking after DS (really....). DH openly retaliated with 'well, just cos you got no help, do you want to do the same to us?' She said no, she took DS.... it was all such a chore for her....

So, fast forward to when we actually had DD - my lovely mum stayed for 6 weeks, mil came to stay for a week and actually it's working pretty well! Secret - we have totally dialled down our expectations of her actually helping us, and come to accept that what she wants to do is visit. Once we were in that mind frame, we started to appreciate her all the more, and it made it much easier.

And to cope with the reality of life-with-two-under-three we've hired a babysitter in the afternoons for our toddler (until he starts preschool in the autumn) and generally now completely understand that any help we want (apart from my mum - but she lives 5,000 miles away) we will have to pay for.

However sad this realisation (I, too, believe that families are obligated to help each other out - my family of origin always do and we continue to do so) it's actually saved my relationship with her (and I do like her very much as a person, just not as a grandmother!)to think of her as visiting, not helping.

Sorry - this is a real essay, and don't know if any of it is helpful? Hope the bit on mental attitude adjustment might be, in any event!

Hi 14hours. Yep I totally get it. I just get frustrated when I am led to anticipate "help" that turns out to really be "visiting". I can take it or leave it tbh, although I do feel embarrassed that my friends might potentially have to step in even when said parents are around. I worry that DH is going to get so wound up by them in the course of the "visiting" that sparks might fly!

I think in hindsight it would have been better for us refuse the offer of "help" to begin with - that would have been easier all round and saved an awful lot of potential friction. We are well used to managing on our own and would never expect anything from anyone - but when it's offered, planned for, and then not forthcoming that's different isn't it?

Can you ask them to come round to do a specific thing, within a specific time frame? As in: 'We would really love to see you, and it's very hectic in the evenings here (it will be...) could you possibly come and give DC1 supper and a bath, at around 6 o'clock for an hour?'

Would that make a difference? (And save your relationship with them? )

(Seriously, my in-laws are lovely, lovely people, they just aren't babies-and-small-toddlers types; now that DS is 3, and can articulate his own needs so well, they are much more actively involved, we feel so much better about the relationship - don't let your DH say anything that might burn bridges!)

Yes, that's a very good idea too. I think I will need to make some specific requests just like that. Thanks.

A lady I know through our surgery has had to have counselling to learn to say "NO".

She has 4 DC and she is dragged in 4 different directions (actually 3 different directions). Her youngest DD doesn't ask for anything and takes her mum out to lunch one day a week.

Gaelicsheep, I don't think people were 'getting off on making you feel rotten' - I wasn't, certainly. But if quite a few posters think that you sound spoilt and petulant, then maybe you need to reassess your attitude of entitlement. I'm sure you don't 'expect' your friends to help you out with whatever you choose, and if you did, then I think you'd run in to trouble. I feel that so many problems within family relationships stem from expecting the other person/people to know what you need emotionally/practically, and to always give it. As I said before, your parents' job was to care for you and raise you to adulthood. I'm not saying that their sense of love and obligation stops there, but they are also people in their own right with their own lives and preferences. Some people don't 'do' babies and toddlers, and maybe they don't babysit because of that, or because they're worried they 'wouldn't do things the right way'? They are also of a different generation, and may not be aware of the current emphasis on the older sibling's wellbeing when a new baby arrives.

FWIW, my mum 'visited' briefly after the birth (no help offered or given), and lives 150 miles away, so no babysitting. Even if she was nearby, I would never have dreamt of demanding it from her - that way lies resentment on all sides. As DD's grown older, my mum and SD have really come into their own; they have her there for a week or two every holiday, and often visit or have her at half term. They dote on her and she has fantastic holidays in an idyllic country environment while I have a blissful break. But that happened naturally, and when DD got to an age that they could relate to.

I think you've had really good advice about making specific requests to guide them into the support you need. Don't expect them to be mind readers. And don't expect them to hire a car unless you are willing to pay for it! Good luck.

Gaelicsheep, don't think you are being spoilt or petulant, just probably knackered and concerned about your DS and frustrated that your parents seem to have no empathy for your situation. I agree that there is no point banging your head against a brick wall, you just have to accept what they are offering and work round it.

Btw if you go into labour during the day would there not be time for your DH to collect your DS from nursery, or do you anticipate a very quick labour?

Good luck with everything, I'm sure your DS will be absoutely fine.

Gaelic - I think there is some good advice on here. I think you have every right to feel hurt, but the bottom line is that you cannot change your IL's. You can be upset and sad, but you are far better off simply accepting them for who they are.

Some Grandparents thrive on seeing their DGC's and being involved. Some see their golden years as their own time; having worked hard and raised their own kids. Surely the latter group aren't wrong for thinking that way? Each to their own.

Re. the babysitting? Is there no family that you can do babysitting swaps with locally?

Sorry, not your IL's, but parents.

I thought most motorhomes had to have seatbelts for the 'berths' in the camper?
So if it was a four berth, then there should be 4 seatbelts.
Unless their camper is antique!

YANBU in hoping for some constructive help but YAB a little U in expecting it and getting so annoyed about things(your DB wanting to visit you soon after the birth surely shows a desire to see his sister and nephew/niece?!).

Lots of parents feel unsure of how to help their adult children without feeling interfering. I'm very lucky as my parents are very involved and my dad is already fretting about me going into labour and having the baby before he can collect my DS to babysit! My PIL were much more reticent as they didn't want to step on my toes or undermine me. I think you need to be really specific about what you need and how they can help you to achieve it. If they really want to help then they will. Do you think maybe they are a little nervous? My PIL hadn't been around a baby for 40 years so were hesitant that they'd be doing things the 'wrong' way.

Well to answer a couple of specific questions, it's a two berth campervan. We don't know any local families yet as our home is very isolated and until DS goes to the local school nursery (in August) we really haven't had the opportunity to meet anyone.

I really don't think I've given the impression that I "expect" anything here. Did I not use the word "hope" in my thread title and my OP? People are making blanket assumptions and projecting them onto me.

I am very anxious about everything around this delivery and the new baby. I had a hellish time last time, both during and after the birth - cue many many threads about traumatic birth and even more traumatic breastfeeding. There are very good reasons for not wanting DB rushing up straightaway with new gf in tow which I've been into before and I will not go into again. There are also very good reasons for me believing that we will need just a little practical help.

I am very upset that I am being perceived as being selfish and demanding for daring to ask for a little help from my parents for the first time in nearly four years. Anyhow, I think I've gathered everything I need from this thread thanks v much. So unless anyone wants to rub any more salt in perhaps just call it quits? Thanks.

gaelicsheep, YANBU. After many years of this kind of thing with my own in-laws (divorced and re-married to others) I have come to the conclusion that I can't FORCE them to care about their DGC so there's no point trying.
I have 3 children and each time one of them has been due to be born, BOTH sets of in-laws has booked a holiday covering that date.
I know this is not the same as your situation, but I have just learned to have low expectations from them, that way I am not constantly frustrated and disappointed.
My own parents are very hands-on and helpful, so we are very lucky as not everyone has that I know
Good luck with your new baby
and if nothing else, take from this what DH has taken over the years; tips on how NOT to parent!

gaelicsheep nothing more to add, just cyber-hugs (v. unmumsnetty, I know!) and cyber-support-and-encouragement!

Maybe some of the other posters have forgotten (or don't yet know? ) what it's like to have a toddler and a newborn! IMO you are being very PRACTICAL in thinking about how to get the help you need in advance... and you will need it, cos that's the reality of this lifestage. Maybe, as an alternative, you could tweak your financial budget to get some babysitting help? Teenager in the area to take your toddler in the pms - advertise on local college boards? Creche/toddler drop-off group/Preschool for your oldest? I know it's expensive, but tell DH you won't be going out, eating at restaurants or basically spending money on anything else so you'll have some room in the budget for childcare!

Again, just some practical suggestions, but mostly just thinking of you...

I don't think people don't realise you need help or think you should get it. They are just trying to convey why you might not get it from this avenue. In an ideal world, your parents would come to you and say 'What exactly can we do to help you?' and you could give them a practical list (timetable?!) of actual concrete things you need. For example; could your mum and dad drive to nursery, your mum put your child in the car seat for your dad and she fetch a taxi home behind them? I'm sorry you had a traumatic time in the past and I hope this time is much better for you. Perhaps you do such a good job of coping that people don't really expect you to need help.