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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's unacceptable for strangers to touch my baby?

66 replies

SheWhoDares · 06/06/2010 08:39

By that I mean stroking DD's hand while she's in her pram (just realised my subject heading actually sounds a lot worse than that!).

We were in the supermarket queue yesterday and a lady was trying to make DD smile - she poked her head into the pram and touched DD's hand. DD promptly got very upset and I had to spend a good few minutes calming her down.

What was strange was the lady's reaction - she immediately turned her back on us (probably embarassed). My initial reaction was to try and smile at this lady to make her feel better but didn't get the chance.

But actually, in hindsight, I don't think it's right to invade a baby's space. It's lovely when people smile and talk to DD in public - it's the touching I object to.

Any views?

OP posts:
Librashavinganotherbiscuit · 06/06/2010 08:43

I didn't mind anyone touching DS, but I know some people feel differently I reckon you are going to get a 50/50 response.

Fayrazzled · 06/06/2010 08:45

I think you're being a bit precious. The lady touched your baby's HAND. It's nice that people want to interact with her. That lady might not have anyone in her life to touch- yet there's an incredible human need to experience touch. Who could resist a baby's hand with that beautiful soft, silky skin?

We live in communities, we're part of society- do you want your daughter to grow up in a bubble? For the most part, I think you'll find it's not a problem- most people won't touch her- even if they want to- because they'll worry about your reaction. But in my mind, it's a shame really and we all lose out.

What is it about the touching you object to?

June2009 · 06/06/2010 08:49

YANBU
I have objected a couple of times and stopped some random people reaching out for dd. (one of them looked like a tramp, the other one just not really clean...)

Maybe ott but I also asked relatives and friends (especially smokers) to wash their hands for the first few weeks they came in to visit.

mistletoekisses · 06/06/2010 08:53

YABU - I wouldnt have had a problem with this at all.

gobsmackedetal · 06/06/2010 08:54

I think we're precious and paranoid with our "personal space"in this country. I've lived in the Med and now in the middle east on and off and people talk and touch each other and kids get stroked and cuddled by passers by and I've seen them grow up to be affectionate and sensitive towards the world as a place for them to exist in (not sure I'm making sense).

I think YABU, but the lady should have probably stayed and talked to your DD once she started crying. Maybe though, because of our attitude as a nation toward people coming near our children, she got scared/embarrassed and legged it

Megatron · 06/06/2010 09:00

She only touched her hand it wasn't like a full blown grapple. Too precious IMO.

Original poster
SheWhoDares · 06/06/2010 09:00

To be honest, I was having a bit of a rough day with DD (teething) and that probably made me object more to the lady touching her - it tipped DD over the edge and I couldn't calm her down.

Maybe, if we were having a lovely smiley day, I wouldn't have minded!

That's the point though - the woman could clearly see DD wasn't happy before she went in and touched her. But then maybe she has no experience of babies and their reactions...

OP posts:
MintHumbug · 06/06/2010 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SheWhoDares · 06/06/2010 09:11

Yes, she was of 'a certain age', actually!

OP posts:
MissTrumpton · 06/06/2010 09:17

Often babies who aren't very happy like a bit of attention. I think its nice when people are nice.

DramaInPyjamas · 06/06/2010 09:18

A bit unreasonable.
She didn't mean any harm..
And yes, it's usually older ladies guilty of this!

It actually never bothered me. My DC loved the attention (still do!)

latoyota · 06/06/2010 09:19

It does annoy me too. Because you don't know how clean their hands are. I also object to my inlaws kissing my children on the lips and other friends with snotty babies / toddlers insisting they give mine a cuddle. I'm not precious I just don't get any help with childcare and it's hard enough without one of us being ill.

usualsuspect · 06/06/2010 09:21

YABU

BouncingTurtle · 06/06/2010 09:25

My DS is 2.5 and is always getting his hair ruffled by passing strangers, particularly old folk while he is running along beside me (he runs everywhere!). I honestly mind much less than he does! But he is so very cute (and tiny for his age) so I can understand people wanting to touch him [bragging emoticon]
I think it is something you are going to have to get used to. Babies and toddlers (with very, very few exceptions) are universally regarded as cute in the same way puppies and kittens and othe baby animals - and who but the hardest of hearts (and allergics!) can resist petting a cute puppy or kitten?
I think it is more about the perception of your baby/toddler by other people as simply something to be petted rather than how you see them - as an individual human being.

ashcloud · 06/06/2010 09:25

I think it's a natural instinct to want to touch a baby, and it wouldn't have bothered me if people had touched DS - I'd have been proud that he was so cute people wanted to reach out to him.

Personally, I wouldn't touch the baby of someone I didn't know. If it's someone I know vaguely, I say hello to the baby and will touch then on the arm, or similar - I would avoid touching their hands or near their mouths, but only because I'm aware of other people's sensitivities, not because I think there's anything wrong with it.

If it's a friend's or family's baby I treat them as I would my own. Although would always make a point of washing my hands before handling a newborn, to reassure the mother.

5DollarShake · 06/06/2010 09:28

It was probably a bigger deal because you were having a rough day.

It wouldn't bother me - I think it's nice for strangers to interact and talk, albeit just in passing, and babies bring that out in people. It's part of living in a community.

I have to say, I would have felt like a right tool asking friends and family to wash their hands before touching DS when he was new. I honestly couldn't have brought myself to do it for fear of everyone's eyes rolling completely off their heads - not that I would have wanted to! He is still alive and resilient, in spite of my lax attitude.

piscesmoon · 06/06/2010 09:37

It is a really peculiar British thing IMO. On one hand they bemoan the British not being child friendly and say how wonderful people are in Mediterranean countries and on the other hand they say look but don't touch!
You really can't have it both ways-either people are friendly on their terms or they keep clear. You can't have a system where it is all under the mother's control saying 'I want you to be child friendly and love my baby but only under my conditions.
By all means don't want strangers touching or talking to your baby but don't then moan that the British don't like children!

piscesmoon · 06/06/2010 09:41

I base this on the fact that having taken mine abroad waiters etc stroke their heads, and touch-I think they would have been very surprised if I had taken offence.

isthatporridgeinyourhair · 06/06/2010 09:46

YABU. I've just come back from Turkey with the 10mos DS2. One of the cultural differences I noticed was that people wanted to speak to and touch the baby more - which I thought was lovely.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 06/06/2010 09:48

YABU. Next it will be that someone made eye contact with your baby and set her off crying. If not germs then emotional distress or something.

Elenio · 06/06/2010 09:53

i visited London at Christmas with a Greek friend of mine (her first trip)

In the lift in John Lewis was a lady with a baby in a push chair and an elderly lady (probably in her 80's)
The elderly lady was cooing at the baby and then went to stroke it. The mother pulled the pram back abruptly and said 'we don't touch the baby please'

The elderly lady looked upset and slightly confused

My friend was completely and asked me if people really did things like that in the UK

piscesmoon · 06/06/2010 09:57

It is really sad, Elenio-this thread would just never happen in Greece! Letting a baby and an elderly lady interact is much better that worrying about germs.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 06/06/2010 10:03

'we don't touch the baby please' Who was the "we"? Probably parents don't touch their baby either.

wonderingwondering · 06/06/2010 10:10

I found it far worse when older men tried to pat my bump when I was preg!

I just used to give my baby's hands a wipe after people had been holding them, but I think even that was a bit precious. But a lot of people do instinctively feel like you do, so although, rationally, YABU, it is very normal to feel that way - just try to overcome the worrying

TaurielTest · 06/06/2010 10:21

Ah, another advantage of wearing your newborn in a wrap instead of pushing a pram - people can't loom up on you and touch the baby unless you're okay with it.
For PFB newborn DS, I did ask smoker relatives to wash hands, on midwife's advice. And I did draw the line at DP's uncle popping his (grubby-looking) finger into his mouth when he was just a few days old. For me it was about trying to keep him healthy when he was so little - not personal space, just hygiene. I chilled out about such things after a few weeks though, and I wouldn't have a problem with a friendly stranger stroking hair, patting hands or feet etc though, I think what some PP have said about living in a community not a bubble is right...

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