that people think it acceptable to cancel/not turn up

[Trifle]

Why do people accept invitations to days out, parties, dinner etc then not bother coming or cancel if somethng better comes up.

Call me old fashioned but if I;ve agreed with someone to meet them for a particular reason then I bloody well go.

At the request of a friend I organised for a group of us to head out yesterday. Two cancelled that morning, another rang to say they were running an hour late and could I wait and others just didnt bother turning up. In the end it was just me and my two children.

I have stupidly organised another day out today with a different group of friends. One cancelled last night as they have had a better offer, I;e yet to see how many will come.

I;ve lost count of the number of parties where children just dont come after the parents have confirmed they will.

I;ve lost count of the amount of spare seats at dinner when people have agreed to come on a night out then dont bother turning up. These are not always events that I have organised so it seems that we are in a culture that people will just cancel at the drop of a hat and think it acceptable.

I think it's really fucking rude.

I have to be honest, minipie- I am a low-down flaky canceller, always have been.

I made a brief stab at attending everything I had committed to, and it was awful- minx says it herself: "God knows I've froced myself to many a do/function which I haven't really fancied, I just don't beleive in letting people down.". I want to enjoy my life and the precious amount of free time in it. I would rather be thought of as rude and flaky and enjoy that free time than feel morally justified at some god-awful BBQ.

As a consequence, all my friends are the same as me and when we do meet up it is more than likely by random chance or impulse. And it is enjoyable.

But tethersend, just say in the first place that you can't make it. That's not letting people down, it's just honest - and saves them time and trouble preparing for you only for you not to turn up.

Oh, I do agree that there's no point going to stuff you don't want to go to.

But why commit to it in the first place? If you don't want to go, just say you are busy that day. Annoys people a lot less than a last minute cancellation when they might have arranged their diary around you.

Of course if you are lucky enough to have friends who don't mind you cancelling on them the whole time, then that's fine. But I bet some of them are more bothered than you know.

cross posted with Planet

Not as easy as it sounds; when someone invites you to something three weeks in advance and are telling you you have to come, sometimes I take the easy option and say yes, knowing I will cancel. Sometimes I genuinely intend to go, and the just don't feel like it. Sometimes I will say I am busy, but not every time. Depends on the person, the date and the event.

My friends and I are well aware that we form the Shit Friends club. Or we would if we could ever manage to get together

i totally agree

If I can't think of an excuse I say vaguely 'I think we may have something on that weekend, can I check and get back to you later?' And then say you can't go.

But it's unforgivably rude to accept and cancel last minute when you didn't fancy going in the first place. And very inconsiderate.

Do you get many invites tethersend?

Of course, LadyBiscuit I get thousands of invites, due to my incisive wit and ravishing beauty

No, my friends and I tend to do things much more last minute. See Shit Friends club above.

I honestly would rather let someone down and enjoy the precious free time I have with my family than grit my teeth and attend a function out of a sense of obligation. Even if that obligation is from my own making.

I am unreliable, inconsiderate and flaky. If you are too, we'd make great friends (even if we wouldn't see each other much). If not, it's never going to work.

of my own making

I feel your pain - DH has a friend who turns up to things as agreed, but if his wife and kids are invited they will accept invitations and then drop out at the last minute. It has now turned into a sport in our group of friends as to when the preparations will start for dropping out, but they only ever actually cancel completely at the last minute, when food has been bought etc. Drives me insane, but as the bloke is a very good and old friend we keep inviting them

The amount of times I have thought 'I really can't be bothered doing this' but have gone anyway and ended up having a blast is countless.

There are certain invites I get that I have accepted a few times, never enjoyed them and now I just say no straight of.

[Thinks of nights spent in community halls with a glass of organic kumquat juice and a bunch of feckin' hippies oohing and ahhing over tie dye patterns and bongo beads]

I realised last year that one of my friends accepts every invitation she gets, even double and triple books, and then does whichever one she fancies on the day, or none of them. The problem is she thinks she is 'pleasing everyone' [hmmm] and genuinely doesn't mind when people cancel on her. To her 'definitely' actually means 'maybe'. It's very hard to get her to see that what she is doing is wrong and hurtful because when she puts herself in the other person's shoes she doesn't mind! I put up with it for years until one day last year she went too far and I went completely bananas, which I never usually do. It hasn't happened since, but I know she is only doing it not to upset me and not because she understands. In other ways she is a great friend.

I'm sometimes I'm amazed I have any friends given I never invite them to anything. Perhaps you and I would get on after all tethersend

Cornflower, why invite her to anything in advance then? Someone that flaky, I wouldn't bother unless, say, I were actually sitting a cafe and thought, 'Oh, I could fancy some company, I'll ring Flakey and find out what she's up to.'

You know, completely spur of the moment thing.

But nothing in advance.

the guilt would harrass me for ages if i let soemone down like that, my face would be bright red the next time i saw them and i would probably be too embarrassed to continue a friendship.

i can be quite shy when meeting new people and when invited to something where i wont know anyone i panic but i make myself go because it would be letting someone down if i didn't.

I genuinely like spending time with the people who invite me/us out somewhere, to their home, party, etc.

It doesn't feel like a chore or work or obligation.

Gah.

I like tie-dye, too.

Aw, that's so nice, expat. Must invite you around....

I rarely cancel, but then again don't accept invitations that over lap either.

I'll bring brownies or cake and homemade dips!

I think your attitude is really inconsiderate and selfish actually tethersend others have the right to enjoy their free time too and if they have invited you to something, and you have accepted then they have catered for you - wasting their own time and money...?

either don't accpet - or don't cancel.

weather, health, and childbirth permitting.

Got Doritos; will travel

This is a real pet hate of mine too. In fact, I started a thread along these lines last night regarding a friend of mine.

I am trying to organise a pampered chef party for just under 3 weeks time and am finding it really hard to get people to commit. Having done party plan parties myself I know how frustrating it is for the demonstrator to get to the party to find only a couple of people have turned up, or having the party cancelled at the last minute, so I am determined not to do this. Just wish people would say yes or no straight off rather than "ooh I'm not sure, can I let you know nearer the time?"!!

ChunkyMonkeysMum

I think those type of parties in my book are an exception to the rule - I hate being invited to "parties" by people who don't normally invite me to make up numbers and spend money I haven't got.

I want to see my friends because they like to be with me, not because they want to make money out of me.