to be slightly sad that at a family party, the only children that aren't allowed are the actual grandchildren?

[DetectivePotato]

Step FILs 60th party in a few weeks. About 100 people going. Ages ago MIL said that children are not invited. Then she said that some friends children will be there as they are about 8 and the only children that aren't invited in my DS (2.4) and SFIL grandaughter who is nearly 1.

Didn't really think much of it at first but I think it is a shame that the grandchildren will miss out on a family party like this. I know they won't know any different but it would have been nice for them to have been included really. If my DS was younger than I wouldn't have taken him but now he is a bit older it would have been nice for him to have been included. He doesn't see that much of DHs family anyway.

AIBU or is it a case of their party, their rules (which obviously it is, I can't take DS if he isn't invited) but would it bother other people?

Your MIL isn't going to allow SFIL's own grandaughter to his birthday party?

And also his step DGS.

No you are not being unreasonable.

Does MIL understand the significance of this. Does SFIL know that his grandchildren are not going to be at the party?

That depends on what kind of party. If it is a formal sitdown party with no facilities for children to run around, then that is a situation that an 8yo should be able to cope with, but seems a lot to demand of a 2yo. Also, if it is a noisy disco, or anything else less suitable for such young children.

Ugh - I loathe 'children not invited'. Personally I would ask step fil if he would like his grandchildren there as other children are attending.

SFIL knows. MIL won't have done it behind his back.

Its not a sit down meal. Party in a social club. I thought maybe disco was not appropraite for such young children but at my sisters 21st there was a 15 month old and she loved it.

Have you actually mentioned how pissed off you are to mil?

In your situation I would make it clear that you find it hurtful and quite bizarre.

Fwiw I always take my dc's to parties, even when they were v small. Never had any trouble with them.

personally I wouldn't go and send my dh on his own, I wouldn't make a fuss but my husband will be expected to say that I had to stay home as we have no one to look after the children.

YANBU

I'd be hurt too. Have had similar happen in my family where young children were excluded from a perfectly child-friendly event. I didn't really make it clear that I was hurt because I didn't think it was worth anyone else getting offended.

Its totally up to your ILs who is invited to the party but it does seem mean. Hope you have a nice time anyway (you are nicer than me, I just didn't go at all when it happened to me, I was too pissed off!)

Just turn up with them, and say ( with a big self satisfied smile) "I knew you wouldn't mind as there are other children here"

Whats the worst they can do? Turf you out in front of everyone? If they do, then you at least have the pleasure of seeing all their friends seeing them being mean to their Grand Children.

I hate this attitude that seems to abound at the moment about not inviting children to events - its so hurtful and unkind.
Let them know how you feel.I would.

There are other children going??? YANBU

Totally agree with Cory - it totally depends on the type of party - some parties are suitable for children, others are not. Can't see what the problem is myself.

There are some family parties where it is not appropriate to invite children, but then there are other family parties where most of the family are invited but not the ageing grandparents (in their 80s) - usually because it is full of children, and really not suitable for elderly great grandparents who prefer peace and quiet. So should they automatically have to come because it is a family event? Of course not, because the event is not appropriate for them.

Can't see why it is any different for children. If the FIL is a grown up - why can't he enjoy a grown up party and celebrate with children at another, more appropriate point in time? Really, other people's lives do not revolve around your children, and I really don't understand why so many people can't seem to understand that point! (This is not directed at the OP - but people in general, when they can't understand that someone wants a wedding/party/event/whatever and don't want children there).

Okay, I do understand that people may want a party without my kids. However they also would have to understand that if they invite me without kids, they may not get me.
It really depends on how local it is and how easy it is to get a babysitter. If it was local, and not too late or not during the month of June, then we'd probably go. If it involved travelling a long distance then probably not (or only one of us).
Of course we have to turn down invitations all the time, a party is the same weekend as a special occasion for our DD, so we can't go. We couldn't make my SIL licensing as a vicar, as it was mid week, 200 miles away, and DS had an important exam the next day. Such is life!

Of course my kids have always been invited to family occasions (even if I have had to bribe them or exhaust them to behave). I do hope there is time for a swim at the hotel before the grand wedding in July.

I would talk to the MIL if it was me, and just say you were a little surprised that another child is invited but grandchildren are not (no blame) it could be this child has been foisted on them.

I couldn't just turn up with DS after specifically being told he wasn't invited.

I may ask DH to ask his mum why they aren't invited, she didn't actually give a reason. I'm too much of a wimp. He probably won't though, he never says anything to anyone.

If it had been no children it wouldn't have mattered so much. But when MIL said "it is no children, but so and so are bringing theirs so it is just DS and other DGC who aren't invited" it seemed a bit to me.

They already know we have a babysitter as it is my nan and step grandad who they invited too, but obviously they can't make it. As I'm pregnant though, I will probably make my excuses and leave earlier as I am already shattered and I'm only a few weeks gone.

I understand what those who are saying about not taking young children, it not being suitable etc, but I thought with a massive family party for a milestone birthday, it may have been nice to include the grandchildren.