in being a bit fecked off that neither paypal nor nochex can actually manage to have a phone number

[SolidGoldBrass]

FFS they are making enough money to be able to run a couple of call centres full of pissed off graduates who can at least be shouted at till they put the supervisoe on the line... I want to know why my web designer can't access my Nochex account when I have given her the password, and I want to know if Paypal could actually clarify its policy on selling erotic or vaguely risque items on one's website...

Yes, they have.

Paypal: 08707 307 191 - customer (buyer) services

Nochex customer services UK number doesn't work and I couldn't find an alternative.

Both providers have different numbers for merchant services - apparently the Nochex one for merchants does work (you have to be logged in to see it). I've used Paypal merchant services by phone - number also on their website. They're a bit bloody annoying, but did sort me out.

Calm down, missus!

Dunno about paypal's policy on "erotic or vaguely risque" stuff, but they don't like to be involved in "adult services". You may have fallen foul of this policy; they have been known to seize cash ("freeze accounts") in the past.

Paypal acceptable use policy is here.

You might have to email them (quicker response than phone) about your stuff, SGB. I do know they go by American legislation: one of my clients is a tobacconist, and Paypal wouldn't handle them because of US regulations.

Hint: we used SagePay for their online store.