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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DH is being selfish for not even considering the possibility of more children...

70 replies

lechatnoir · 02/06/2010 23:03

We have 2 DS & I've always wanted a 3 but DH is refusing point blank to even consider the possibility now or in the future - as far as he's concerned the subject it closed & I can't help thinking he's being a tad selfish.

We could afford it, yes we'd have to give up certain luxuries for a few years but hardly on the breadline stuff, we have the space and are both mid 30's so still OK age wise - he just doesn't want any more children .
I understand that he is happy with his 'lot' but also feel he's being selfish as he doesn't even seem willing to consider the possibility despite knowing how I feel. He says he doesn't want to give me false hope by saying he'll consider it in the future when in reality he will never change his mind. I feel he's not giving the idea a chance & am being forced to accept the situation because it is the path of least resistance.
So AIBU or is he? Is it possible to 'move on' without resentment or a sense of loss at what might have been.
LCN

OP posts:

analbeard · 02/06/2010 23:06

my friend is going through the same. yanbu hope your ok. selfish man

Cretaceous · 02/06/2010 23:25

How is DH being any more selfish not wanting another child than LCN is in wanting another child, ifswim? Better to be honest than to string someone along.

mayorquimby · 02/06/2010 23:29

not selfish no. It's an either or situation, he can't kind of have a kid or find a compromise.There's no point in him pretending to consider it, that will only add more pain later.
Is he refusing to talk about it point blank or has he laid out his reasons before and simply doesn't see the value in re-hashing them or trying to justify them when he feels his desire to not have a 3rd child is equally valid to your desire to have one. which it is.

Ellokitty · 02/06/2010 23:31

Its one of those tricky situations where neither of you abu, but you can't have two and a half children, so one of you has to give.

I was there three years ago, I wanted a third but DH absolutely did not and one of us had to give. I remember being terribly upset when he had the snip.

Roll on three years, I have two delightful girls and now I wouldn't want a third. I am happy with that decision. I couldn't imagine having a third now.

Trouble is, you can't make someone want a child if they don't and you can't easily get rid of those desires to have a third. Unfortunately, there's no compromise either - one of you has got to give.

Good luck, I hope you resolve it.

DSM · 02/06/2010 23:32

What are his reasons for not wanting any more, and what are yours for?

You have to discuss your reasons, and agree on a 'winner', as ultimately, one of you has to convince the other or you'll face resentment.

TimothyTigerTuppennyTail · 02/06/2010 23:33

To give another perspective -

Am I selfish for refusing to have another child when my husband would like another? Or is it acceptable because I would be the one giving birth?

Original poster

lechatnoir · 02/06/2010 23:38

We have touched on the subject a few times but only thrashed it out very recently. He laid out his numerous reasons all of which are valid but IMO workable & I suspect he gave me this list of reason because I was pushing for justification. The reality is he doesn't want any more children and I do

OP posts:

DSM · 02/06/2010 23:48

Well, justified in what way? If you agree they are justified, then you're agreeing that more children isn't a good idea.

If you disagree, then it's up to you to try and convince him that your reasons for wanting another are the justifiable ones.

minipie · 02/06/2010 23:51

Did you have discussions about how many kids you both wanted before you got married, and/or before you started having kids?

Just wondering if one of you has changed their mind...

Not that that really helps though ... as you say, the real problem is you want another and he doesn't, it doesn't really matter if one of you has changed their mind.

Not sure what to suggest really. What are your reasons for wanting a third? Are they logical reasons or is it broodiness/hormones (not suggesting that is not valid reason, but it might diminish in time).

Bit of a ramble sorry!

secunda · 02/06/2010 23:51

YABU.

If he doesn't want another, then that's it. Selfish is the wrong word - you could just as easily say that YOU'RE being selfish for wanting another when you already have 2. Do you both work? If he is the sole breadwinner maybe he feels the pressure of this.

His feelings are just as valid as yours.

Cretaceous · 02/06/2010 23:53

So he has considered the possibility of more children, but discounted it. What are his reasons? Might they change?

sunnydelight · 03/06/2010 00:01

Nobody is being selfish, you both have different feelings and reasons for wanting what you do. The only advice I would give is don't let what you don't have spoil what you do

UnseenAcademicalMum · 03/06/2010 00:02

You have two adorable children (I assume). Apart from the third child issue, you are otherwise happy in your relationship?

I ask because I know a couple who were in exactly that situation, she wanted a third dc, he didn't. He eventually agreed in order to keep the relationship going, but didn't really want a third like he wanted the others. She ended up pregnant not with a third, but with a third and a fourth (the package deal of twins). In the end the pressure that going from 2 dc's to 4 finished the relationship.

Now, I'm now saying that this is a common or normal situation, but if you pressure him into more than he wants, will he bond with the new dc? Or will it be in the case of the couple I know where the twins were very much seen as "her" children.

Maybe just take a step back and see whether you couldn't be happy with the dc's you have and enjoy them for the precious gifts that they are.

Original poster

lechatnoir · 03/06/2010 00:17

He is one of 3 boys and doesn't like the dynamics with his siblings so doesn't wantto risk having the same as we already have 2 ds plus then various other practical reasons such as we'd need a new car (will do anyway soon), we're enjoying life so why rock the boat, worried about me getting pregnant as I suffered with Spd in both pregnancies plus had some worrying early scans last time, financial considerations as holidays and treats would have to stop plus we would struggling on maternity leave as I am now the sole breadwinner. So like I said, pretty sensible and rational but in truth every one applied before I had ds2 but it didn't stop us then and shouldn't stop us now.

OP posts:

Original poster

lechatnoir · 03/06/2010 00:25

sunnyd and unseen you are both absolutely right and I would hate to jeopardise what we have as IMO we are blessed with a strong relationship and beatiful children.

So no, IANBU but nor is DH.
lcn

OP posts:

DSM · 03/06/2010 00:26

Tell him you'll have 2 more, solves the '3 children' issue.

Tell him new car can be a big people carrier for all six of you.

Tell him your pregnancy(s) will only last 9 months (twice) which is nothing compared to a lifetime of happiness with four beautiful dc's.

Or... Give in.

megapixels · 03/06/2010 00:28

YABU. He is entitled to not want any more. I am in the reverse position and I'd hate it if dh kept bugging me and calling me selfish.

Tiredmumno1 · 03/06/2010 00:34

@ DSM

Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 03/06/2010 00:50

Sounds like we are in the same boat lcn I am really desperate for another child. DP says he doenst want one. No discussion, no compromise, just no!
We currently use the withdrawal method as our only rubbish form of contraception. I refuse to take contraceptives as they SERIOUSLY mess with my hormones! And I also refuse to condone him having a vasectomy. A few months ago, I had a chemical pregnancy. I was really upset, he wasnt bothered. The upshot is, he is happy to continue using the WM, as he finds condoms uncomfortable, and will accept the consequences half heartedly demand a termination if I get pregnant. However he is not willing to actively try!! This is so like him! If when the WM fails, I will get the blame and he will accept the consequences, and things will go on as before, but he will never make an active decision to do anything! This approach to life may make him feel secure, but its a bastard when your hormones are raging!

Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 03/06/2010 01:20

Sorry, a bit rambling, its late. Obv in the same boat first part of my post, have no idea of your contraceptive arrangements!

BritFish · 03/06/2010 01:33

very sorry, but YABU.
i know the longing for another child can be heartbreaking, but it would be worse to bring a child into the world that one parent resented.
your relationship would not take it.
if he wants a vasectomy and no more kids, thats his personal choice isnt it.
-you would be adding a problem to the situation but he isnt taking anything away from the life you have now.
dont be too hard on the guy.

and go to your doctor and really push for more contraception methods, there are so many different pills and implants and coils and vaginal ring things out there now, youd be surprised! its hard to get doctors to really take the time to inform you about them all, but its worth pushing.

sorry if that sounded harsh. but if you broke up over not having a child there would be a breakup. if you broke up over having a child there would be an unwanted child and a breakup.

differentnameforthis · 03/06/2010 01:42

I can't get over this 'he is selfish' bollox because he doesn't want more children!

I was the 3rd unwanted child, but by my mother. It has caused me a lifetime of pain, especially as she couldn't hide that she didn't want me & was more painful when dad left.

I haven't spoken to her for 18yrs.

BritFish · 03/06/2010 02:03

differentname
OP, please take heed

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 03/06/2010 02:12

Saggyoldcatpuss, that is one of the worst dynamics I've ever heard. You refuse to condone him getting a vasectomy? It's his body, surely? You're going to wait for a withdrawal failure (wouldn't count on it, we used withdrawal on and off for 5 years before conceiving our daughter the first time we decided to 'try) and he's going to demand a termination and you're going to refuse and he's going to blame you and resent the child, and then what, you'll live happily ever after?

TheBride · 03/06/2010 03:36

Saggy- I know you've said you dont want to use hormonal methods but what about a coil (the older, non-hormone releasing ones)? Otherwise, Tortoise has a point. You and Dh are playing an uncomfortable game of Russian roulette which can only end in tears.

OP- I'm in a similar situation. I would ideally like 3. DH only wants 2, mainly because of finances- we live overseas so will have to pay for private schooling and there are no economies of scale on that- it's not like you can send them alternate days. I've decided it's better for me not to have the third than for him to resent being chained to his desk by it with no hope of an earlyish retirement or risky career change if he so desires. Plus, the flip side is that there are other things I want to do with my life which are easier with fewer children so I like to focus on the positives.

I think it's also worth considering whether you really want another child or just another baby.

So- I dont think YABU to want another child, but unfortunately your DH isnt being U to not want one.

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