to think DH is being selfish for not even considering the possibility of more children...

[lechatnoir]

We have 2 DS & I've always wanted a 3 but DH is refusing point blank to even consider the possibility now or in the future - as far as he's concerned the subject it closed & I can't help thinking he's being a tad selfish.

We could afford it, yes we'd have to give up certain luxuries for a few years but hardly on the breadline stuff, we have the space and are both mid 30's so still OK age wise - he just doesn't want any more children .
I understand that he is happy with his 'lot' but also feel he's being selfish as he doesn't even seem willing to consider the possibility despite knowing how I feel. He says he doesn't want to give me false hope by saying he'll consider it in the future when in reality he will never change his mind. I feel he's not giving the idea a chance & am being forced to accept the situation because it is the path of least resistance.
So AIBU or is he? Is it possible to 'move on' without resentment or a sense of loss at what might have been.
LCN

We too are in a similar situation, DH wants to stop now we have our 2 girls, i would like a third (not now but in a couple of years time...). Have never really thought of him being selfish though, just that is what he wants and i want something different and at the end of the day i wouldn't want to jeopardise our relationship for the sake of a third baby.

It isn't really an issue for us at the moment as wouldn't want one now so i am going to see how i feel in a couple of years time, and whether i still feel the same.

Not sure how old your two DS are but what if you wait a year or so and see how you feel then. I am thinking that perhaps when our life moves on and are DDs are a couple of years older (the youngest is only just 1) i may not want another so badly.

I think your OH is being very fair in setting out his feelings extremely clearly.

Could it not be flipped - are you not being selfish in having such strong feelings for a third?

Two kids would be a blessing to me, an absolute godsend (I don't have any and have just miscarried and am at the end part of my fertile years).

Why let this issue ruin your already lovely family?

How old are your DSs? I only ask because I had really bad hormone surges when my DDs were certain ages (3 months and 9 months were particularly intense) - I was very broody!

We wanted three in the grand scheme of things, but stopped at two because of the damage that pregnancy and childbirth was doing to me. DH couldn't stand to see me going through it again and having to watch and worry. Even though I have had periods when I've had that strong desire for a third, I have held on and they have eased. Right now, I couldn't think of anything worse than being pregnant and exhausted and sick all the time!

I hope you find a solution that you and your DH can happily live with.

I desperately wanted a third child when DD was about 1. It broke my heart when DH said he absolutely didn't want another child and would not even consider it. Almost 3 years later I have two beautiful, healthy children (6 and 4) and I now feel he was right and he realised that, for me, it was a kind of 'last chance' because of my age. I can't imagine having a third child now. OP YANBU feeling how you do, but neither is your DH. If he really doesn't want another child I don't think you can expect him to 'give in' to such a huge demand. I hope you feel more content having two children over time, and enjoy them.

Well, Saggy, I totally agree with you that if you don't want to use contraception and he doesn't want any more kids, then it's his responsibility to have birth control.

There's no reason on Earth a person should have a coil when it's he who doesn't want more children.

But in reality, you can't refuse for him to have a vasectomy. He does not need your permission because it is his body, the same way a woman doesn't need her partner's permission to have an abortion, herself sterilised or to access birth control.

He obviously doesn't want one badly enough of he'd have gotten it, no matter what you say.

Because my husband had one and he is the one who signed the consent form.

All the consultant was concerned with was his consent because he was the one the surgeon was working on.

YANBU

But it does depend on how much of the chilcare he does. If he does a lot of it then he is also NBU.

LadyinTheRadiator,
WOmen are not unreasonable for not wanting another child because they are the ones who have to give birth

I think that, if you have two healthy children, it is really quite reasonable not to want any more in this day and age. You will have to convince your DH with other arguments than the one which consists of trying to emotionally blackmail him into one "because he is selfish" .

He has very valid reasons for not wanting a third, I agree with minthumbug.

Besides, with you the sole breadwinner, is he a sahd? Would he be the one looking after three children while you work?

It is hard but there is no right answer and one of you will have to "lose"
I always wanted 3 but DH only wanted 2 and was very adament about that, he was worried about the cost of holidays,a new car, food bills, school uniforms etc etc and I agreed that what he said made sense.

In the end I did actually get my 3 as my 2nd pregnancy was twins!
I would actually like another but I know deep down its another pregnancy I am craving and not another baby, I have even considered surrogacy!!

The desire to carry a child can be very strong but would you really want a child with someone who doesnt? could your relationship really get over it?
What would happen if you had a tough time or found another little one hard work- could you accept your DH having an attitude that it was what you wanted and so now you had to deal with it?

At least he has been honest straight off and not led you on for a few years before saying a definate no.

DH and I had the same discussion...I was quite broody recently, and we talked, but in the end, he vetoed it. We have two absolutely gorgeous DCs, and though we'd readily agreed to have 3 or 4, it just isn't practical: he's 41, I'm 38. I want to go back to work (which I didn't want to do when my DCs were babies), we enjoy that our children are old enough to do things without the whole nappies, pushcahirs, and all the bits that go with babies.

We were both upset by the decision, but we are so happy in our little family, that I don't think for a minute we'll regret staying a family of 4.

I don't think your DH is being selfish, OP...just practical and honest.

We sort of had something like this but in the end DH changed his mind and is now happy we're expecting DC3 in October. (in fact, happier and broodier than ever before!)

I had actually reconciled myself to two children because he was so adamant when he announced at a new year's eve party that his resolution was to have another baby .

What I really needed during the time I was reconciling myself was a lot of kindness from him. I needed him to see that I was grieving for a baby that even though it never existed was real to me and grieving for the end of my fertility. Possibly this is waht you need form your DH? Not an of course we can have another baby but a recognition that this is a big thing he is aksing you to do and lots of support to come to terms with it.

FWIW I was the selfish one. My reasons for having another were all about me and my feelings.

We have 2 daughters and that is our lot ! DD2 was very prem and DH is too scared to go thru it all again, we got our miracle and next time we might not be so lucky.

My mother always used to say 'One is nice, 2 is a family and 3 is an army' which always makes me laugh, she had 2 !

I think that it is wrong to think your DH is being selfish as there is no difference to your opinion to his opinion and I would never have another if I thought it wasn't what my DH wanted. He is also concenrned about my health (not the easiest of pregnancies).

I have just accepted the fact but not blamed my DH, he has his reasons and I concentrate on the children I have, not those I cannot have.

I think a lot of women go thru this, especially when their youngest is growing up and their children become independant.

I looked after my nice (aged 1) last week and it made me realise how much freedom I have and how difficult it would be to go back to the baby stage.

For most of us, the loinging passes, I often think ahh wouldn't it be lovely....but then think actually, I have 2 wonderful children and I am grateful for that fact and those children are sufficient, it's just my hormones hehe !

Children need 2 parents who want and love them.

He isn't selfish and neither are you.

There is no compromise on this one though. You have to decide whether what you have is worth not having a third child for, or consider leaving and trying to find someone else to have another with.

You can't have half a baby and he is entitled to not want anymore, just as you are entitled to have another.

It is a bugger but there you go.

My DH and I had the same dilemma. Last year I nearly tore our marriage apart over it. Just over a month ago, DH had the snip. We had reached a stalemate, and I just couldn't bear the hoping every month (ridiculous, as we always use contraception). I also couldn't let it go while the possibility of a theoretical third child existed. DH decided to draw a line under the whole thing once and for all. I am so grateful to him that he did. However, there are valid medical reasons why me having a third is not a good idea. There are no easy answers. One of you has to give. In the end, I think it's better to enjoy the children you have, than force a child on to a man who is telling you plainly he doesn't want it. I know that's hard to hear, but it's the truth. Take time to grieve for the baby you won't have, but if you value your family, learn to be grateful for what you do have.

We are kind of in a similar situation. Both toying with the idea of a 3rd, I am leaning towards yes and DH towards no.

My deadline for pregnancy is 35ish as I want to be done with babies/toddlers before I am 40. We have 3 years therefore to make a decision.

I will be getting sterilised then, as will DH I think, he doesn't get a say in whether I do and neither do I on him.

I've seen a really good friend's relationship break down after she 'pressured' him into believing that a second child was a great idea. He wasn't ready for it and tried to make that known.

She pushed and pushed and pushed and he caved. Baby two was on the way when he met someone else and now my friend is raising two girls on her own.

Is that right? No. Was the man a pillock in this situation? Oh yes! Would he have gone off with someone else anyway? Quite possibly. But is it worth the risk to you to lose your relationship because you want a third child??

I don't see why saggy should have to use anything. He doesn't want anymore, he either uses condoms or gets the snip.

expat is right, his body and reproductive choices are his responsibility.

As long as she says straight up, "I don't mind getting pregnant and am therefore not going to use contraception", then it is up to him to decide on what he wants to do.

He is a big boy and can control his.

his body.

LCN - as I think you've realised, neither of you ABU. It's a very difficult situation and one that I think I may find myself in in a few years. I really hope you resolve it without too much heartache as your relationship with DH and your family unit is so much more important than this.

saggy - I agree with expat. His responsibility if other contraception is unsuitable for you.