to think DH is being selfish for not even considering the possibility of more children...

[lechatnoir]

We have 2 DS & I've always wanted a 3 but DH is refusing point blank to even consider the possibility now or in the future - as far as he's concerned the subject it closed & I can't help thinking he's being a tad selfish.

We could afford it, yes we'd have to give up certain luxuries for a few years but hardly on the breadline stuff, we have the space and are both mid 30's so still OK age wise - he just doesn't want any more children .
I understand that he is happy with his 'lot' but also feel he's being selfish as he doesn't even seem willing to consider the possibility despite knowing how I feel. He says he doesn't want to give me false hope by saying he'll consider it in the future when in reality he will never change his mind. I feel he's not giving the idea a chance & am being forced to accept the situation because it is the path of least resistance.
So AIBU or is he? Is it possible to 'move on' without resentment or a sense of loss at what might have been.
LCN

Well, I agree too. Thought he was incredibly insensitive, I had just had a chemical pregancy, was feeling shite about it. His response was, 'I don't want another, but am happy to take the consequences of contraceptive Russian roullette, so I don't have to wear a condom.' It's his choice. Our two dcs were both made due to contraceptive faliure. (condoms and the pill) apart from the hormonal implications for me, if I have responsibility for contraception and it ever failed again, I would be labelled a sperm stealer. He would never believe that I hadn't done it on purpose!

Then I'd make it very clear to him that if I fell pregnant there is no way I'd have an abortion.

I rather think Saggy loses the moral high ground if she "refuses to condone" her partner having a vasectomy. Her partner is, as you say, expat, a big boy: he should have the right to make decisions about his own body.

I did. And I wouldn't!

Well, yes, cory, but legally, she can't stop him from having one.

He obviously doesn't want to walk the walk though, or he'd have gone and done it.

He'd do it and use condoms till he got the all clear if he were really serious about not wanting any more children.

It is a sad thing. The only way a man can 100% prevent that he is not fathering any more children, is by having surgery performed on his body. It is a shame that it cant be a mutual decision to respect on part of the couples wishes, and make it both parties responsibility to honour those wishes.

I cannot understand some of the attitudes on here. Some of it is almost equivalent to a man piercing his condoms in the hope "an accident" will happen, and just wait for the moral dilemma on part of the woman, to unfold.

It is a difficult situation.
Personally, I have the copper coil. Due out this summer. Dh is keen on a third child. I think my reasons why we should not go ahead are very valid: Bad spd in both pregnancies, I am 38, pnd after both children, we both have to continue working as we are selfemployed, so wont have the opportunity of maternity leave as it is not possible to replace me, will need to get an au pair or nanny to look after the baby a few hours per day while I work. In addition to this is to rearrange our house from 3 bedrooms to 4, fit a 5th seatbelt and reregister our campervan to fit 5, higher costs of airtravel to see dhs family, and I have JUST started to feel that I am on top of things, with an 8 year old and a 5 year old.

"As long as she says straight up, "I don't mind getting pregnant and am therefore not going to use contraception", then it is up to him to decide on what he wants to do."
Morloth, thats mad. contraception should be a jointly discussed thing surely?

he has already said he doesnt want more kids, and she wont let him get a vasectomy. sorry, looks like the OP is the one with the problem. he says he doesnt wnat to discuss it and give her false hope. its obvious his mind is completely made up.

actually, i've just thought: he's probably had the vasectomy already. he doesnt want kids, he took reeponsibility for that, and now doesnt want the OP to push it because he hoped she would lose interest in the idea because he didnt get the chance to bring the fact hed already had it done up?

'As long as she says straight up, "I don't mind getting pregnant and am therefore not going to use contraception", then it is up to him to decide on what he wants to do."
Morloth, thats mad. contraception should be a jointly discussed thing surely?'

They did discuss it.

She doesn't want to use it as she wants another child.

He does not want another child, so he either uses condoms or gets the snip because those are the forms of male birth control available.

If it were a woman who didn't want anymore, her options are more varied.

But if she didn't want them and he did then she needs to protect herself or make a decision to have herself sterilised.

And the OP is not saying she wouldn't let him get a vasectomy.

That was another poster.

ahhh sorry, i havnt slept all night from reading that strange happenings chat thread.

i still think he might have had a vasectomy and be too scared to tell her because of her desire for children.

YABU. Barring accidents, adding another child to a family (or having one in the first place) is something you both have to want. You probably both have equally valid arguments, but IMO, this is one of those things where his view needs to trump yours.

How would you feel if the tables were turned and it was him who wanted another child and you didn't?

Saggyclothcatpuss - do you really feel it is fair on a child to have to be born into a relationship with that sort of dynamic?

Actually, I never said he couldn't have a vasectomy, just that I wouldn't condone it. I can't stop him doing that to himself. Contraception is a subject for discussion. Vasectomy is a life changing discussion finishing action. To go out and do that off his own back And not tell me would be unacceptable. If I posted to say I had been secretly sterilised against my partners wishes I would be very rightly flamed!

saggy i was corrected that you said he couldnt have one, long sleepless night and i do apologise.
the thing is OP, he may have done it when he thought your desires were just a passing whim and he was fully intending to tell you but then you made it clear you really wanted one. he should have told you if he has had a vasectomy obviously, but he has told you he doesnt want more children or to discuss it and give you false hope. i think its pretty clear here...
it comes down to this.
if you want another child and he doesnt, you may need to find someone who does. please dont bring an unwanted child into this world, there are too many of them already

Thanks expat was coming on to say the same - happy to say DH & I are using adequate contracpetion and will continue to do so unless we can both happily agree to more children.

I think everyone else has said it really - neither of you are being unreasonable, you have to come to some solution.

Saying that I think he should make the effort to sit down and discuss it really properly with you and to really understand how you feel. If you decide together that there will be no more than he has to support you in what essentially feels like a loss - rather than just belittling it or ignoring it. Not saying he should be treating you or spoiling you or anything but helping you to come to terms with that? Does that make sense? It would be the respect, understanding and support that would be important for me.

We were in this decision last year - we really talked about it and DH agreed, happily after proper talks. I am now 30 weeks pregnant and he is very happy with it. However he didnt really have any concerns about it more that he wasnt bothered about having a third, didnt mind sort of thing but realised how important it was to me and knew he would love another baby etc. He is now very positive about it all.

LCN, if this were about a first child, then people would probably be telling you that if having a child meant so much to you, you needed to leave him and find the right guy to have kids with.
Because you do NOT want to "waste" your fertile years with a man who would then maybe leave you and go on and have a family with another woman. And you remaining childless because of age.
The man would basically be saying "I don't want a child with you rather than not at all, and that would, indeed, be quite selfish.

Your situation of course is a bit different. I agree with everyone who said that neither of you is BU. The only way his behaviour could be judged as selfish, however, would be if, in effect, he'd be happy to have more kids, just not with you. He'd be binding you down, depriving you of the chance to have three kids, whilst keeping his own options open.
I'd say this is quite unlikely, but it's of course you who knows your DH best.

I didn'T say she has the right to demand more children.
I said that a woman is never being unreasonable not to want more because she is the one who has to carry the baby and give birth.

In some cases a man is being unreasonable. If he works away for months on end and does not participate in the childcare, for example. Or if they are completely financially stable and again, he does not participate in childcare. I think a case like this, the man is being unreasonable. Very unreasonable.

YANBU to want another one, but YABU to call him selfish, and even more so to expect him to give a reason. I've got one DC, my choice, I couldn't possibly explain exactly why I don't want any more, I just know that I don't. He's never going to be able to give you a definitive reason why you as a couple shouldn't have another. My mother didn't want any more but gave into pressure and had me, and it's not something I would recommend.