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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so UTTERLY Fed Up with DP over this?

66 replies

JaneS · 02/06/2010 13:04

Advice please. Or just talk me down.

DP and I get married in August. We both want it to be simple, but there are some automatic complications because of DP's religion and the fact he's not a UK/EU citizen.

We have to get married in DP's church, which is out of the city centre in a random suburb street, and is still being built (my church, incidentally, is about 10 mins from our house and two from the venue, with parking nearby). I have no idea what the service will be like, except it won't be like an English wedding (we don't say anything and don't exchange rings, apparently). I am fine with this as it's important to DP, but I do feel he should be aware we're doing it his way.

DP's priest did our betrothal ceremony a few months back. I found it a bit difficult tba, because DP's priest keeps trying to convert me, and because he basically doesn't explain anything! So, we were told we needed two witnesses, turned up with two friends. The priest then mentioned, casually, that they needed to have been baptised, and to be coming to the wedding! Also he didn't explain the ceremony at all, just stood in front of us performing it, some of it in the language of the Church, which I don't speak.

I've asked DP to get the priest to explain what will happen at the ceremony as I don't want to not understand it. I'm concerned that it might be a bit sexist, actually. DP has told me he'll sort this, but hasn't done it yet.

In fact, he's done NOTHING for the wedding at all. He keeps promising to, but doesn't. I am really busy, and will be out of the country for a couple of weeks now. He promised (again) to do the invitations this week ... he hasn't. I sent save the dates by email a while ago, which is a bit casual, so I really wanted invitations to go out with plenty of time. 8 weeks doesn't cut it (or am I being fussy?).

I am just so sad and fed up, I am actually nearly crying here which I know is OTT. I hate that there's no certainty - I don't know what will happen at the service, I don't know if he'll do any of the things he promised. I've booked and paid for the venue, so that will be fine, but everything else is up in the air. I am really busy at the moment (which he knows!) and can't take time off from what I'm doing. He is owed time off at work.

I just don't understand why he won't do ANYTHING. Every time he promises to do something I hope he will, then I still have to ask him again.

Sorry, I am just so upset, please tell me if I'm being daft and what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
JaneS · 02/06/2010 13:05

Oh my Lord that's long, sorry!

OP posts:
2blessed2bstressed · 02/06/2010 13:07

I'm not actually sure why you're marrying him having read your post tbh

BAFE · 02/06/2010 13:08

you do it,that way you can do it the way you want. If your dp wants things done differently he can bloody well do it himself.

This is why mixed marriages are so fraught sometimes.

diddl · 02/06/2010 13:08

I don´t really get why you "have" to get married in his church.

Is his religion more important that yours?

If you don´t share his religion, why will they marry you there?

MrsSawdust · 02/06/2010 13:12

I don't think you're being daft. But I'm not sure what to advise either.

He needs a good kick up the backside.

Does he know how stressed and upset you feel about it all?

Does he have family here you can talk to about the ceremony to get an idea of what will happen?

thumbwitch · 02/06/2010 13:12

LRD - am not happy for you. If he is not doing anythign to help towards the biggest day of your lives, he's not going to be much cop when you get married, is he.

This is important to him - I think, if it were me, I'd be backing down on the "yes darling we'll do it in your church" and say "listen mate - if you DON'T get this sorted pronto, and I end up not knowing what is going to happen on the day, I can assure you it ISN'T going to happen at all."

But then I'm a bit aggressive, and it might not help. If you can find a quiet way to say the same thing, perhaps it might jolt him into action - and if not - well, I wouldn't go through with it, tbh.

diddl · 02/06/2010 13:16

He wants it all his way with no input/effort from himself?

I would seriously be having second thoughts-he sounds very controlling.

ScreaminEagle · 02/06/2010 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
JaneS · 02/06/2010 13:20

We're getting married in his church because an Orthodox wedding is valid in the CofE (my church), whereas a CofE wedding is not valid in the Orthodox Church. My vicar says it's sensible, too, as his parents probably feel quite strongly. I'm fine with the idea, I just don't want to not understand what's going on, and I want to know if there's something in the wording I don't like, so I can discuss it with the priest.

BAFE: Yes, do it yourself is the obvious one, but I am busy. I'm not even going to be in the country for the next week or so. Why the hell should I have to do it all?!

Sawdust - I can't seem to get him to understand why I'm stressed. I can't talk to his family, I don't speak their language well at all.

thumbwitch - yes, I know I need to be aggressive. But I thought I had made it quite clear. The thing is, he is generally disorganized as hell, it's his natural state. I just can't cope with it here.

OP posts:
PortiaNovmerriment · 02/06/2010 13:22

I guess google will have to help her put shelves up after the wedding too then, eh?

I'd be really pissed off and say you'll be gettng married in your church if he doesn't pull his finger out, or not at all.

mistlethrush · 02/06/2010 13:23

I'd go with the...

'by such and such a day I need to have the proposed marriage ceremony available in a translated form so that I can read it and be aware of what it says'

'by next monday I want all the invitations to be ready to send out - here is a list with all the names on labels'

'if a) is not done by that date, I will book a ceremony in the registry office'

'if b) is not done I will send my own out with notes in to all your friends relatives appologising that the invitation is late but that you couldn't get your arse in gear and that this was one of the few things that you had been asked and agreed to organise'

That should do it

Original poster
JaneS · 02/06/2010 13:24

Screamin - he's Russian. I've done some googling but it seems that a lot of weddings (certainly in the states, where there are more Orthodox than here) are a sort of mish-mash of Orthodox and American/English tradition. And ours won't be, the priest says.

Btw, I should say diddl, he isn't remotely controlling. He's just completely laid-back and disorganized, which is often lovely, but right now it is driving me up the wall. With a lot of this stuff, he'd be happy to take it as it comes. So if invitations went out a week before and some of our mates had booked holidays, he wouldn't mind the way I would.

It is tricky because my parents are control freaks and quite mad, and I am partly stressed because I want to be able to plan what will happen so I can keep them happy. I'd be happier to go along with the laid-back style if I didn't have my parents featuring in it, so I guess he is seeing a fairly non-typical reaction from me.

OP posts:
dinkystinky · 02/06/2010 13:28

Write down a list of all the things you want him to do/he has agreed to do and give it to him. Explain its your joint wedding and he needs to play his part and take time off to help organise it by doing his jobs on the list as otherwise you're carrying it all yourself which is not fair. Explain also that you are making concessions here which you feel are being exploited/ignored and will not be doing any more for the wedding until he starts pulling his weight.

And honestly, have a good think about what married life with DP will be like - will he start pulling his weight in the future when kids etc come along or leave it all to you to deal with? If you suspect so, better to nip it in the bud now.

Mingg · 02/06/2010 13:28

In general, I think , the Orthodox wedding ceremony goes something like this: the Rite of Betrothal, the "Crowning," the sharing of a common cup of wine, the procession around the sacramental table, the removal of the crowns and the final blessing.

The priest can and should be willing to explain everything to you in detail. And so should your husband to be, especially if he is not doing anything else to help...

diddl · 02/06/2010 13:32

Well I´m glad he´s not controlling.

But tbh there´s laid back & there´s lazy!

I agree you have to tell him what he has to do & when by!

Original poster
JaneS · 02/06/2010 13:38

Mingg, thanks. We've done the betrothal, btw.

I know it sounds daft, I just want to know stuff like, does he have crowns, do we need to get them, how long do people have to hold them for us, etc. I could get in touch with the priest myself but he is a bit odd with me - as I say, he'd like to convert me - so I'd rather DP did it. DP doesn't know himself what the wedding will be like, btw.

He is usually great - we are both, in general, laid-back. So he is fine at doing his share of cooking and so on, but procrastinates like mad when it's an organizational thing. If I sat down, wrote out a list of guests, got their addresses, gave it to him, looked at cards in the stationer with him, he'd be quite happy to go and get the stationer to print them. He honestly doesn't seem to see that this is actually leaving 90% of the work to me!

He thought he was helping recently by confirming that, yes, the stationer that advises wedding stuff on their website will, indeed, print stuff for us. I mean: You think?!

Whew ... sorry, I am starting to feel a bit better and must give him some date ultimatums. I just would love to go away to my conferences and not have to worry that he's not doing anything.

OP posts:
paddypoopants · 02/06/2010 14:07

I think you might have to accept that he is not going to be of any use organising this wedding. My dh was useless, and I have heard loads of my friends moaning about how their dp did nothing to help. They just don't seem to have the same priorities. One couple I knew fell out so badly about how little he did that it contributed to the marriage only lasting 4 months ( and they had been together 8 years). I think you need to give him small practical tasks to do but accept you are going to have to do most of it.
As for the wedding ceremony I think you need to try and find out what will be happening otherwise it will just add to the stress. Maybe that could be his first task.

Good luck.

rushinrussian · 02/06/2010 14:26

LRD I am Russian and if I can be of any help give me a shout.

Original poster
JaneS · 02/06/2010 14:33

Thanks rushin.

What I really want to know is how this wedding ceremony will work, but you may not be able to answer that. The priest is quite vague about it, but we've already done the betrothal and, from what he says, it sounds as if I don't walk down the aisle separately, and it will be shorter than usual (whatever usual is) because of not having the betrothal. But I've not seen the form of words or anything like that, and I don't know if the priest would usually address the congregation or anything - in a CofE wedding, the vicar usually explains what's happening as s/he does it, but I don't know if there's anything like that.

Btw, I don't know if you're religious of course, but is it usual for priests in the RO church to be quite so ... pushy? I've only met this man a couple of times so don't want to judge him, but he seemed to brush off my questions about what would happen quite a lot - he stressed that I won't have to say anything, and I don't know if it's usual to assume women should be passive or something?

OP posts:
rushinrussian · 02/06/2010 14:40

I'm not religeous at all but my brother is a RO priest and he is kinda pushy, that's why I try not to talk to him about religeous stuff if I can avoid it. We got married in registry, but AFAIK it has to be RO church if you want a 'church' wedding. Can you maybe find out if they have any other weddings in that church prior to yours and just have a look what goes after what and how long does it take.

rushinrussian · 02/06/2010 14:46

I'm not religeous at all but my brother is a RO priest and he is kinda pushy, that's why I try not to talk to him about religeous stuff if I can avoid it. We got married in registry, but AFAIK it has to be RO church if you want a 'church' wedding. Can you maybe find out if they have any other weddings in that church prior to yours and just have a look what goes after what and how long does it take.

Original poster
JaneS · 02/06/2010 14:50

Thanks rushin. The church hasn't been built yet, so ours will be the first wedding there.

It's a little expat community, and in fact the priest is ex-Anglican, but I think he has that covert zeal thing going on.

You wouldn't know the words of the ceremony would you?

OP posts:
HalfTermHero · 02/06/2010 14:59

OP, what on earth are you doing? You are selling yourself down the river imho. Have the bloody cermony in a regisrty office if his religious venue leaves you cold. Why would you go through such a farce of a ceremony? You need to stand up for yourself. if dp does not respect your viewpoint then their is no point marrying him as the marriage is likely to struggle.

HalfTermHero · 02/06/2010 15:02

there

rushinrussian · 02/06/2010 15:05

I've been to a couple of russian weddings and the ceremony takes ages, so I wouldn't worry about it being too short Mind you, any service in ROCh lasts for hours. Do you read/speak Russian?
I looked quickly in internet (at work now) have a look here www.abc-people.com/event/crush-ven.php I think it is explained very much in details.