To be so UTTERLY Fed Up with DP over this?

[JaneS]

Advice please. Or just talk me down.

DP and I get married in August. We both want it to be simple, but there are some automatic complications because of DP's religion and the fact he's not a UK/EU citizen.

We have to get married in DP's church, which is out of the city centre in a random suburb street, and is still being built (my church, incidentally, is about 10 mins from our house and two from the venue, with parking nearby). I have no idea what the service will be like, except it won't be like an English wedding (we don't say anything and don't exchange rings, apparently). I am fine with this as it's important to DP, but I do feel he should be aware we're doing it his way.

DP's priest did our betrothal ceremony a few months back. I found it a bit difficult tba, because DP's priest keeps trying to convert me, and because he basically doesn't explain anything! So, we were told we needed two witnesses, turned up with two friends. The priest then mentioned, casually, that they needed to have been baptised, and to be coming to the wedding! Also he didn't explain the ceremony at all, just stood in front of us performing it, some of it in the language of the Church, which I don't speak.

I've asked DP to get the priest to explain what will happen at the ceremony as I don't want to not understand it. I'm concerned that it might be a bit sexist, actually. DP has told me he'll sort this, but hasn't done it yet.

In fact, he's done NOTHING for the wedding at all. He keeps promising to, but doesn't. I am really busy, and will be out of the country for a couple of weeks now. He promised (again) to do the invitations this week ... he hasn't. I sent save the dates by email a while ago, which is a bit casual, so I really wanted invitations to go out with plenty of time. 8 weeks doesn't cut it (or am I being fussy?).

I am just so sad and fed up, I am actually nearly crying here which I know is OTT. I hate that there's no certainty - I don't know what will happen at the service, I don't know if he'll do any of the things he promised. I've booked and paid for the venue, so that will be fine, but everything else is up in the air. I am really busy at the moment (which he knows!) and can't take time off from what I'm doing. He is owed time off at work.

I just don't understand why he won't do ANYTHING. Every time he promises to do something I hope he will, then I still have to ask him again.

Sorry, I am just so upset, please tell me if I'm being daft and what to do.

I read your other thread about your mother, and was sad to see you have aggro at your side as well!

You seem a lot happier about the service now, but if I have misunderstood your posts, maybe you could think about an oecumenical marriage, which I'm sure a College chapel would be able to do (you are in Oxford, aren't you?). My old chapel in Cambridge had an icon despite being pretty CofE.

Another possibility is to invite the RO priest to your church and let him do whatever he likes there, just no faffing about!

Good luck!

Thanks everyone.

*thumbwitch, DP has now got in touch with the priest and asked for a translation, so hopefully it should all be ok! If not, your suggestion will be very helpful, thanks.

mamas - yes, that is exactly why I was worried and upset. But if the priest is only saying things to God, I don't mind (after all, I even know atheists who don't care if someone prays for them - I think that God, if s/he is listening, knows perfectly well what I mean). I hope that it is the case that the priest is praying to God on our behalf, rather than asking us to assent to something, but I will check.

Winged - Oh dear, I'm sorry I'm such a bridezilla! One of the reasons I love my DP so much is that he is so good with my (seriously troubled) mum. We did look into having a service in one or another of our college chapels, but in the end both my vicar and his priest recommended a wedding in the RO church - in part, because it will help his parents hugely to understand and feel at home, as they speak little/no English.

Where were you at Cambridge, btw? No need to reply - I'm just being nosy, but although I know several Oxford college chapels with icons, I've not seen one in a Cambridge chapel. Beautiful city though.

Ah, well, sorry, but it was worth suggesting. We had a blessing in our chapel, and my MIL did a reading in their language (they are from former Yugoslavia), which was really lovely. It was from the book of Ruth ("Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge"). Ruth is actually saying it to her MIL (which is not what people generally have in mind for the reading, but I dind't mind, and it is true enough about DH and me, as another "mixed marriage").

Sorry, a bit too much information here for me to add my College as well. Hope you understand.

Good luck with the wedding.We are just off for 2 weeks on Friday, so I will not be mumsnetting as furiously as usual, and may miss any future posts. I hope you won't need to vent, though!

If it is important to you to be married in church and not your dp, then I would give your dp an ultimatum to get everything sorted that you need or else.

Then get married in your church as the 'big day' - it will be meaningful to you and your family by the sound of it. Then you can go and do the RO bit later on in the same way that some people have to go to a registry office and marry officially but also have a separate service that isn't recognised officially but is more meaningful to them IYSWIM.

The one in your church will be the real wedding that everything is dated from, but you get the bonus of having a second wedding (so if dh (by then!) forgets first wedding anniversary date he has got another go a day / week or whatever later to remember), wear dress a second time even, but that is the one that you only go to with immediate family or random people off street as witnesses rather than all the guests a second time.

If your dp complains (or any of his family) point out that he had plenty of opportunity to provide some help in sorting out the RO wedding but did nothing and so you had to go and organise it this way.

It will also make it easier for you with convenient locations .

I would definitely speak to your vicar and see if you can reserve your day/time slot with him, at least for now. It might give your dp a jolt when he realises that you are serious about not doing the RO route as the main thing and that he will be the one that has to explain it all to his parents (both reasons for not doing RO and translating new stuff to his parents)

Oh and congratulations on the forthcoming wedding and hope you have a great day!

argh. posted having seen the last post shown as mid afternoon but gremlins had been at it and so many more updates that I should have seen that have made my post somewhat out of sync with the rest of the thread

sorry.

Glad that your dp has started to get things moving, hope that the momentum continues and you get everything sorted that you want.

Does worry me slightly that you are writing that it is important to dp that he has a RO wedding despite not having been to one! Hopefully this is for all the right reasons and he is not doing it just for his show whereas it does seem like you really want a wedding in your own church.

I've only been to a greek orthodox church for a christening but the priest did say everything in both greek and english as one side of the family was english. Mind you it was so fast and accented it was a bit difficult to tell which was which... And it did involve the mother seeming to be pushed to the sidelines and the godmother coming in to do everything which seemed strange at the time.

If you get married in the RO church do you have to undertake to bring your children up as RO or can you bring them up in your church if you want? And do you and your dp have the same views ? Sorry, just being very nosy!

Good luck and congratulations again with the wedding and the marriage.

Apparently, you have to race each other to the red carpet. I'm unsure whether this carpet is in the church or at the reception. The winning partner will be the head of household. Sounds like fun, but I think you've already been elcted head of household! I'm betting your man drags his feet to that carpet like a sleepy toddler ...

The wedding lasts 2 days, The Internet says, which should be a laugh as almost all of the 2 days is the party. Your vows, according to The Internet, are as follows:

The Groom declares:
I (groom's name), take you, (bride's name) as my wedded wife and I promise you love, honor, and respect; to be faithful to you,
and not to forsake you until death do us part. So help me God, one in the Holy Trinity, and all the Saints.

The Bride declares:
I (bride's name), take you, (groom's name) as my wedded husband and I promise you love, honor, and respect; to be faithful to you,
and not to forsake you until death do us part. So help me God, one in the Holy Trinity, and all the Saints.

All the rest, it seems, is a rather short convo between priest & god and a bit of business with crowns and red carpets. The RO church doesn't do wedding rehearsals, bridesmaids, readings, or any palaver basically. It's all about the party.

I have to say, LRD, your posts made me feel VERY concerned about the dynamics of your relationship. But, having refreshed my memory on your circs - and after consulting The Internet - I wonder if he's insisted on an RO ceremony precisely because it's so low-frills? There simply aren't any opportunities for Bridezilla, Bridezilla's mum, trappings or any other nuptial nightmares!

Hope so

I've asked my Russian friend what happens. Trouble is, he pretends he's not Russian We'll have to see if he comes good.

Grace, thanks so much for that! Very helpful.

zip - In theory, yes, I have to promise to bring the children up RO. But what we'll do is take them to both churches, let my atheist family loose on them, etc. Make sure they can make up their own minds.

Don't need to worry about DP wanting a RO wedding though he's not been to one - plenty of people haven't been to a wedding before they get married.

Winged - that's a nice reading. Course I understand about internet privacy issues - I was just being nosy.

Hi LRD, glad your DP sorted himself out. I grew up in Oxford and recently moved back to the area - currently living in a village just outside. It is very nice to be back! Hope everything goes well with your preparations.

Thanks.

He is a Russian man. They don't do ANYTHING, that's what wives are for.

at Hully.

I have to be fair to the poor man, he does do a lot. He wakes me up with a cup of coffee in bed every morning and cooks me delicious food, he does all the mucky jobs around the place and he's very good at coming home with little things he thinks I might like, like my favourite chocolate or strawberries or wine. And when I was doing my masters' dissertation he did literally everything for a month so I could just work.

Glad it's all getting sorted!

Surprised at the RO nuns - well, there are factions in every church I guess. I'm no practising member, so I couldn't swear to eveything!

And yes, converts are often more zealous than those brought up in the faith. I have no idea why, maybe they feel they have to compensate for the years of non-belief. I have an RC uncle who started off CofE and is obsessive

Thanks Ginny, I am feeling much better today. Threads like this are the reason why I don't understand the constant 'MN is so bitchy' comments!

Btw,
www.kurskroot.com/orthodox_nuns.html

You know that he will never change? Every challenge in your life will be a repeat of this. Are you really sure that this is what you want for the next 40 years? Please think hard.

Sorry - posted before I realised there were 3 pages.......