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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my DP wont have sex with me because he now sees me as an incubator for his child?

79 replies

1pregheadpumpkin · 01/06/2010 18:47

ok well we used to have a very active sex life, and it was fantastic. DP quite a talent.

but as SOON as i found out i was pregnant, he wants it less and less whearas i want it more and more!

anyway im now 25 weeks (with a neat and not too obstuctive bump) after several blatant rejections on the basis of being tired/cold/not wanting to hurt me (not baby curiously, but me)i told him in very petulant way how i felt.

"you NEVER want to have sex with me anymore, im just an icubating unit! we used to have sex all the TIME and now it can take ages to get a reaction and most of the time you'll roll over or snuggle into me and fall asleep!!"

which was not terribly mature and he tells me its rubbish and that he really is very tired (all the time? and if I'M not too tired, how can he be? he's not growing a person!)

other than that the relationship is much the same, but i miss it.

i feel very unnatractive. like a sea-cow.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
1pregheadpumpkin · 01/06/2010 19:57

i wont listen to polly. and anyway, not pestering him 24/7. most of the time we watch come dine with me marathons and he helps me eat all my craving foods.

but just because it doesnt feel right for him doesnt mean i have to go without, whilst carrying his child around for 9 months does it?

nope.

OP posts:
jendaisy · 01/06/2010 19:58

No I think do listen to Polly. If he ain't up for it, he ain't up for it, and the more you try to throw yourself at him the more rejected you will feel. He's not going to suddenly think 'oh yeah, actually I'm not at all wigged out by that baby inside you, let's go for it.' The problem will only get worse as you get bigger. It's only a few months in a whole life time, try to look at the bigger picture.

pollywollywoowah · 01/06/2010 19:58

Erm no he's not wierd just entitled to an opinion.

KerryMumbles · 01/06/2010 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jendaisy · 01/06/2010 20:01

Girls can wank too! It's not just a man thing!

Original poster
1pregheadpumpkin · 01/06/2010 20:01

if you'd read my post its not the baby that bothers him. and who has sex for a whole life time?

OP posts:
KerryMumbles · 01/06/2010 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
1pregheadpumpkin · 01/06/2010 20:03

and i cant, i dont er, climax, on my own. its always a job half done. i NEED him for that. all he needs is a bit of internet porn and his right hand.

kerry, you are the knees of a bee and the pjamas of a cat!

OP posts:
jendaisy · 01/06/2010 20:04

I bet it is the baby that's bothering him. If he was up for it before and he's not now then I would say it's pretty obviously the baby that's bothering him. For some reason it's just hard for blokes to admit to that, it took me a while to get it out of mine.

EricNorthmansmistress · 01/06/2010 20:04

If DH's 'opinion' was that he didn't want to fuck me for 9 months he'd get short bloody shrift from me.

Sorry, I do think it's weird not to want to have sex with your partner for prolonged periods of time.

pollywollywoowah · 01/06/2010 20:05

Perhaps he doesn't want to say it's the baby in case it upsets you and thinks by saying he's tired etc he can avoid any offence.

Not suggesting that is a good plan on his part, just trying to see things from his point of view.

He is being unreasonable by not properly discussing this with you.

EricNorthmansmistress · 01/06/2010 20:05

Wanking is not sex. It's scratching an itch.

Preghead, get a good vibe and some porn (literary if visual doesn't float your boat) and get on with it in the meantime.

Greythorne · 01/06/2010 20:07

First time I was pg was fab. Surge in sex drive (me) and tons of energy (him). Was excellent. Then I miscarried at 11 weeks ......
Subsequent pregnancies (3) have been total no go areas, sexually, probably due to fear. I found it very disappointing, esp as being pregnant makes me more sexual, not less. But DH was not forbeing persuaded. Once the positive pg test appeared, it was 9 months of abstinence. We even had a sex-free honeymoon, because I was pg with DC2
So, I think it is common for men to react this way.
But that doesn't mean YABU...it just means you may indeed need that rabbit.

Original poster
1pregheadpumpkin · 01/06/2010 20:07

nah not really, he's not really that sort of bloke, he's easy to keep happy, just doing little things for him everyday makes him happy. i trust him. he did acuse me of cheating about a month ago though, the story is just too ridiculous for words, but once i convinced him otherwise its not been mentioned again

OP posts:
jendaisy · 01/06/2010 20:07

Google something like 'partner gone off sex now I'm pregnant'. There are loads of threads on various sites with thousands of people going through the same thing and thinking the same way as you do. It's not abnormal. I felt really shit about myself too until I read some of these threads and now I feel a lot better. It doesn't mean he's playing away.

Original poster
1pregheadpumpkin · 01/06/2010 20:10

shall i suggest he buys me one?

a really expensive one! do love DP, he's a cutie, but he's so darn attractive i want to jump him all the time!

OP posts:
TottWriter · 01/06/2010 20:10

No, I'm with polly on this one. What exactly do you expect to achieve by pressuring him other than making him resent you?

No, it's not nice when you don't feel sexually attractive anymore (and I know how you feel, I'm 7 months pg myself right now) but the way forward is to have an honest discussion and tell him how hurt you feel. If he still can't get past the 'there's someone else there' thing, then that, sadly, is the way it's going to be.

If you did manage to have sex right now, you know he wouldn't be thinking about you as you are, and doesn't that kind of make it a hollow victory? Het yourself a vibrator or a rabbit and relieve the pregnancy horn yourself; it's what I do. No, it's not ideal, but honestly, do you really want to be having sex with him if the only way he can manage it is to fantasise about someone or something else? Because if the bump is the issue, that's what will happen.

jendaisy · 01/06/2010 20:11

Exactly, TottWriter.

Original poster
1pregheadpumpkin · 01/06/2010 20:14

i know he's not playing away, the thought never crossed my mind. he's too nice.

i understand why he wont do it, thats not really the problem, its just that he wont. whether every pregnant person in the world goes through the same thing or not, it still stings a bit.

when you were used to just looking at him in a particular way and that would cause an entire afternoon to be spent in bed, going for weeks at a time, with the occasional mercy shag thrown in is a bit hard to swallow. you dont want to feel like he's doing you a favor

OP posts:
Tanga · 01/06/2010 20:14

Some men do go mad for it - and I'll be honest, my DH was one of them, loves the whole fecundity, milk dripping woman carrying child thing. BUT if I was a man I'm not sure how I'd feel - I mean, there is a thing inside there, that can hear you, and kick and that you (as a man) have a sacred duty to protect and nurture and be completely non-sexual towards. Be fair, it's tricky. Plus, being horribly honest, I'm not sure how far from my mind 'Alien' would be.

I think you should not do the game-playing, cleaning and cooking a favourite meal to 'earn' a shag thing, just lay cards on table and ask him how he feels about making love when you are pregnant. If it wasn't the baby that was bothering him why would this happen as soon as you got pregnant? Explain how it makes you feel, explore possible physical causes, have a no pressure, anything goes discussion.

And yeah - if this was a man complaining that his DW didn't want to do it 'cos she was pregnant loads of people would be saying have a wank, so you go for it - cook yourself your favourite food, dress up to make yourself feel really sexy, get some girl porn and some new toys and have - excuse the expression - a ball. (And tape it and show him...no!) May I personally recommend the Lube that heats up on contact - Wow!.

CaptainNancy · 01/06/2010 20:14

Forget the sex for a minute...

you tidied his room????

wtf? Is he 15?

KerryMumbles · 01/06/2010 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
1pregheadpumpkin · 01/06/2010 20:16

i resent being made to feel like this by him.

OP posts:
Original poster
1pregheadpumpkin · 01/06/2010 20:20

i didnt tidy his room BECAUSE i wanted sex. i was so bored at home all day and it needed doing.

but i dressed up nicely HOPING i might.

nah he's 21. but thats pretty much the same thing really isnt it? and as i have to stay here too, i like to be able to go to pee in the night without tripping over his shoes/bin/laptop/football/massive box of condoms etc

OP posts:
jendaisy · 01/06/2010 20:21

I know exactly how you feel. But he's not going to change how he feels right now. So the best way forward is to focus on other parts of your relationship and be excited about the new baby soon to be part of your lives. Otherwise all you will achieve is doing your own head in and pushing him away. I know it's bloody hard, and to fair at 32 weeks I have only just really reached this stage of acceptance.