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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to have ignored this woman?

53 replies

gagamama · 01/06/2010 10:19

Please tell me if you think I have been horrendously callous, this happened yesterday evening and I still feel absolutely awful about it.

I was walking down a short alley between the station and a main road, it was starting to get dark and I was by myself. I was approached by a young (under 30) woman who was crying and had a small scab on the bridge of her nose, and was reasonably dressed but had no shoes. She approached me from the main road and cried "can you help me, I've been in an accident, I haven't even got any shoes (points to feet), I'm not homeless or anything, I just need some money to get the bus home." She was reasonably well-spoken, if that makes any difference.

Now, she had some coins in her left hand which I reckon were enough to cover her bus fare. She did have a very small injury to the face but it was dark and scabbed over and looked days old. She was wearing tights which weren't laddered or damaged in any way, which I assume they would be if she had been in an accident which had caused her to lose both her shoes. She was walking away from the main road where there were lots of people who would have been able to help her and may have witnessed the accident.

I stopped, looked at her for a few seconds, said 'sorry' and strode away. I'm torn between thinking this is a fairly standard begging (or worse) tactic and I'd have been an idiot to have shown her any weakness. But what if she'd genuinely been hurt, had concussion, was confused and wandering aimlessly looking for someone to help her? Should I have at least called her an ambulance? I'm ashamed to admit that I was worried that she or an accomplice would mug me if I got out my phone, but isn't that an awful thing to think? I'm usually very helpful to strangers but I just didn't feel comfortable helping this woman.

Was I being unreasonable? If you want some geographical context, this was in SE London. I also don't give to beggars (and there are many here) - I prefer to give to charities which will tackle homelessness or poverty. I'd rather this didn't turn into a debate about whether I should have given her money even if she had been a beggar, but I know this is AIBU...

OP posts:

Lulumaam · 01/06/2010 10:21

i'd rather give someone £1 or so for as long as i can afford it.. i'd rather be scammed, as it were, than potentially not help someone who needed it.

i would have perhaps also offered to call the police/emergency services if there\d been an accident.. that might have put off a scammer

i understand your reticence though, i really do.

RockRose · 01/06/2010 10:23

I think I would have offered to call the police for her, then seen the reaction.

Megatron · 01/06/2010 10:24

I don't really know if you were being unreasonable or not tbh, people see things differently so it's hard to say without seeing the woman myself. I'm pretty sure I couldn't walk way from someone asking for my help though, without at least offering to call the emergency services.

whoingodsnameami · 01/06/2010 10:25

Hmmm, I think her saying, I've been in an accident, I haven't even got any shoes (points to feet), I'm not homeless or anything, I just need some money to get the bus home." probably means she was'nt confused from some accident, so strange to be walking away from the main road. I think you were right to be wary, it is possible she was wanting you to get your purse out.

MrsGravy · 01/06/2010 10:30

Sorry but I think YWBU. If you didn't want to give her money and were worried about being mugged/scammed while in a dark alley you could have walked with her to somewhere safe and public - then offered to call for help/someone to get her home.

I can't imagine walking away from somebody like that, I just can't imagine it. I would have, at the very least, been asking her what happened to try and ascertain whether she was properly injured.

I also don't understand how, without knowing where she was trying to get to, you could possibly know she had enough money for her bus fare??

tethersend · 01/06/2010 10:31

Don't get your purse out in an alleyway in south east London for anybody. Ever.

nigglewiggle · 01/06/2010 10:31

I can understand why you were suspicious, it sounds a bit odd to me. What might have been the best thing to do (hindsight being a wonderful thing) was to take her back out onto the main road (safer for you) then ask more questions about what had gone on to see if she was in fact genuine and you could have helped her in any way.

CoronaAndLime · 01/06/2010 10:37

I think she was trying to scam you.

Always trust your instincts.

whoingodsnameami · 01/06/2010 10:37

Also, chances are if she was'nt genuine then she was'nt working alone, so hanging about in an alleyway asking her questions might have dangerous.

Original poster

gagamama · 01/06/2010 10:39

MrsGravy, the reason I assumed she had enough money for the fare is that all cash fares in London are £2, but you're right, it didn't occur to me that she might have needed to get two or more buses.

It was incredibly hard to walk away, I felt awful then and I still feel awful now, hence this thread.

OP posts:

RodentOfUnusualSize · 01/06/2010 10:41

My husband was recently approached by a young man who was reasonably well spoken and dressed, but had a big gash on one arm and lots of blood. He also asked for money for the bus home. My husband offered to phone and pay for a taxi to a nearby medical centre... you can guess what happened next. He made his excuses and ran off. This was in central London.

It is very sad that people like this will put us off helping people in genuine need. I am not saying that you know for sure that your lady was dishonest, but it does have all of the features of this increasingly common scam.

So I don't think that you WBU.

sparkle12mar08 · 01/06/2010 10:44

Honestly? You did the right thing. This is an absolute classic tactic, and frankly if you'd have got a mobile out to offer to call the police she would probably have mugged you for it too. It's awful to have to make this kind of judgement call, so I do sympathise, but I'm convinced you did the right thing.

GypsyMoth · 01/06/2010 10:45

If genuine, I think she could have been a dv victim......only going by my past, but taking my shoes was a tactic the ex used, to control me! Just a thought.... And an old injury, kind of fits for me

an offer to call someone for her would prob have been my reaction..

allaboardthepottytrain · 01/06/2010 10:45

I would have done exactly as you had.If she'd stopped me in the station or in the main road then I may have given her the benefit of doubt. But you were in an alleyway, in SE London, at dusk - you had to think quickly and act fast to get yourself out of potential danger.

Also, if it was me who'd been in an accident, I'd prob try persuading the bus driver to let me on without paying my fair - rather than approaching strangers in alleyways. Can see why you feel awful though.

Original poster

gagamama · 01/06/2010 10:54

Thanks all. It was definitely a case of 'I have to decide one way or another NOW' because I am generally quite a dithery person but I really felt that standing there are making any conversation or being obviously unsure would leave me vulnerable.

I also wasn't carrying my usual handbag and had my purse and phone in the bottom of a cotton shopping bag because I was off to the shop. This generally makes me feel more unsafe anyway because you can probably make out the shape of my belongings in the bag.

OP posts:

buzzybuzzybeeshoes · 01/06/2010 10:55

Don't normally post, but see you were in SE London - it wasn't Brixton or Herne Hill by any chance? There's a girl there who I've run into a few times and who always uses the same "I'm not homeless, I'm hurt" line. She scammed a couple of quid out of me the first time (needed to get to her mother's house IIRC) on the grounds that I didn't want to not help anyone in need of it, but then I got wise to it the 2nd, 3rd, 4th times... If it's the same girl (blonde-ish hair, looks to be in 30s, well spoken) then yes, she was trying to scam you.

Original poster

gagamama · 01/06/2010 11:01

Buzzy - it was Tulse Hill station actually, so pretty close! This girl had dyed red hair so no idea if it was the same girl, but slightly reassured that it seems I did the right thing, but also that it seems she was simply begging and not trying to distract or mug me!

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 01/06/2010 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hmc · 01/06/2010 11:02

It sounds distinctly fishy - I think you should always trust your instincts and i believe you would have known if she was a genuine case. The fact that your brain was saying "hang on a minute" shows that you were processing that there was something not quite right about her...

Agree - better policy in future might be to suggest that you call the police for her, but don't think you need to feel guilty. Does sound like a scam

ATinofBiscuits · 01/06/2010 11:05

You did the right thing this is SE London we are talking about dark alley hmm something does not add up. YANBU IMHO

SongBiird · 01/06/2010 11:05

I can understand why you didn't help, having grown up in big city with high violence rates I wouldn't be getting my purse, watch or phone out for anybody, especially in a dark alleyway. And I wouldn't have backtracked down the alleyway to the main road either as I would think if she has an accomplice waiting for her, it is likely he would be somewhere in that direction.

Its a big shame you have to think like this but in this day and age you really don't know what to expect. I have children and I like to think self-preservation.

SongBiird · 01/06/2010 11:06

In fact, I've said this day and age but these stunts were being pulled back in Dicken's day !

buzzybuzzybeeshoes · 01/06/2010 11:07

Well, I've not seen her for a while - it does sound like the same person though! I think you can relax about it. FWIW I still feel like a mug for being taken in by it in the first place ;-)

tethersend · 01/06/2010 11:11

As an aside, she could have been the victim of domestic violence and have been trying to mug/scam you, the two things are not mutually exclusive.

SongBiird · 01/06/2010 11:12

Dickens not Dicken's [homer D'oh emoticon]

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