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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to have ignored this woman?

53 replies

gagamama · 01/06/2010 10:19

Please tell me if you think I have been horrendously callous, this happened yesterday evening and I still feel absolutely awful about it.

I was walking down a short alley between the station and a main road, it was starting to get dark and I was by myself. I was approached by a young (under 30) woman who was crying and had a small scab on the bridge of her nose, and was reasonably dressed but had no shoes. She approached me from the main road and cried "can you help me, I've been in an accident, I haven't even got any shoes (points to feet), I'm not homeless or anything, I just need some money to get the bus home." She was reasonably well-spoken, if that makes any difference.

Now, she had some coins in her left hand which I reckon were enough to cover her bus fare. She did have a very small injury to the face but it was dark and scabbed over and looked days old. She was wearing tights which weren't laddered or damaged in any way, which I assume they would be if she had been in an accident which had caused her to lose both her shoes. She was walking away from the main road where there were lots of people who would have been able to help her and may have witnessed the accident.

I stopped, looked at her for a few seconds, said 'sorry' and strode away. I'm torn between thinking this is a fairly standard begging (or worse) tactic and I'd have been an idiot to have shown her any weakness. But what if she'd genuinely been hurt, had concussion, was confused and wandering aimlessly looking for someone to help her? Should I have at least called her an ambulance? I'm ashamed to admit that I was worried that she or an accomplice would mug me if I got out my phone, but isn't that an awful thing to think? I'm usually very helpful to strangers but I just didn't feel comfortable helping this woman.

Was I being unreasonable? If you want some geographical context, this was in SE London. I also don't give to beggars (and there are many here) - I prefer to give to charities which will tackle homelessness or poverty. I'd rather this didn't turn into a debate about whether I should have given her money even if she had been a beggar, but I know this is AIBU...

OP posts:
5DollarShake · 01/06/2010 11:12

You did the right thing - please don't feel bad.

Also, remember that your gut instinct was to help, which just goes to show that you are not a bad person.

Too much of her situation doesn't add up, and to do anything other than what you did, would have left you vulnerable.

It is such a shame that people prey on other people's goodness to cause harm, and then those people are made to feel bad about that. It also goes a long way to explaining why people are generally not willing to get involved when others are in trouble - because of the insidious actions of a tiny minority. Pretty tragic all round, if you ask me.

101handbags · 01/06/2010 11:15

You did the right thing. A woman tried this tactic on me (twice!) using the same patter both times, about 3 months apart. This was in Shoreditch, East London. The first time I said I didn't have my purse (I was pretty sure she was a scammer). The second time I simply said 'You tried this on me 3 months ago' and walked off to hear her shouting 'No I didn't...'.
I give monthly to a homeless charity and I am afraid that there are too many scammers out there for me to give to beggards on the street, no matter how many are genuine.

Shaz10 · 01/06/2010 11:15

I think you did the right thing. When I lived in a city I would occasionally keep coin in my pocket for certain beggars (you got to know the regulars!) but would never get my purse out. I reasoned that if I was a desperate, homeless addict I would probably rob your purse if you took it out.

People wanting help as opposed to cash ask for help, not money.

Lovecat · 01/06/2010 11:22

A woman knocked on my door late at night a while ago asking for change for bus fare as she'd been in an accident... I gave her a quid as I'd hate to think of any of my family being in trouble and no-one helping, then 2 weeks later on a Saturday afternoon there she was again!

I looked her in the eye and said you were here 2 weeks ago, you make a habit of having accidents, don't you?

She returned the look and said (absolutely straight-faced) "that must have been my identical twin sister"

I'm afraid I shut the door in her face. She was obviously on something because she rang the door about an hour later and DH had to give her short shrift...

This was in East London, btw - OP, YANBU. I'm actually quite angry with people like this because they prey on your good nature and then when someone REALLY needs help you're less likely to give it because you've been bitten.

CheeeseOnToast · 01/06/2010 11:24

I also think you did the right thing.

Although, for future reference, bus drivers can and usually will give people a little ticket if they?re genuinely in need to get somewhere and lost their purse/are in dire straights. I?ve done this once when I lost my purse and needed to get home (and I live in London and it was a London bus that did this).They give you a little ticket and you give them your name address and phone number. You ?promise to pay? the due fare and there?s an address on the little ticket for you to send a cheque, or a number to call to pay over the phone. I just sent my cheque for £2 the next day.

I was approached by someone asking for money to get home about six months ago, and when I was asked for money for the bus I told the woman that you can get onto buses and the drivers can give you one of these tickets, she just started abusing me and ran off . I get this quite a lot (about three times in the last eight months) and the first time I gave £2, which was enough for her bus fare, as I felt like she was telling the truth. Then as I walked on, satisfied I?d done the right thing, I looked back and she had approached someone else, asking the same thing. Maybe this has coloured my viewpoint, but if they are genuine, there are ways round it.

I?m also sure you can do the same thing at a train station, but I think whoever official you speak to has to believe you?re genuine, as technically you could give the wrong name, address and phone number and just never pay.

whoneedssleepanyway · 01/06/2010 11:28

a similar thing has happened to me in London, girl coming up asking for money as had purse stolen couldn't get home etc i said sorry, i found out later it had been happening on a regular occurence in and around our area and was a scam.

the sad thing is with all the scams it probably does mean that genuine people in need of help get ignored but i agree with the person who said never ever get your wallet out in an alley in SE London.

if she was really desparate she could have gone to a police station and they would have helped her.

HalfTermHero · 01/06/2010 11:30

It sounds 100% like a scam. I live in a big UK city too and this sort of thing is well known round here. It does not add up. What she said to you is not what someone who had been in an accident would think to say as an opening statement. You would not even consider saying 'I'm not homeless' and 'look, I've got not shoes!'. You would ask for help to a hospital or the police station or to contact a friend/relation. You would also be more likely to go into a shop/tube station to seek help or you would approach someone on a busy street. You would not be skulking around in a dark alley.

You did the right thing walking away and keeping yourself safe. Gut instincts are rarely wrong.

LoveBeing34 · 01/06/2010 11:31

You trusted your instincts and did the right thing.

capstone · 01/06/2010 11:31

Quite possibly a scammer. But an offer to call the police would probably have let you know either way for sure.

Ryoko · 01/06/2010 11:33

Come to West London where people come up to you all the time saying they need a £1 for the bus/train/phone etc.

I've never given any of them a penny and never would, especially since I see the same faces day in day out, like the 15 year old boy round the Ealing broadway station everyday at around 6pm with his fake crying about not having the money to get home and the women with the blind man who annoys passengers on the 207 bus (when he is on his own he never begs for money, she just uses him as an excuse).

You want to give money to people give it to a charity or buy a Big Issue, if someone was really in need then A: they would ask for the exact amount the bus/train fare is not an amount they think people wouldn't mind giving (£1, 50p etc) or B: they would be stopping you to ask for directions to the police station or asking if you could call the police.

BuzzingNoise · 01/06/2010 11:36

YWNBU. I would have done the same.

Original poster
gagamama · 01/06/2010 11:38

Thanks so much everyone. I was certain I was going to get mauled on here. I totally agree with Shaz that people wanting help ask for help, not money. With hindsight I would have offered to call an ambulance or the police, but at the time I was just thinking this wasn't right and shouldn't start rummaging around in my bag producing valuables.

OP posts:
Caoimhe · 01/06/2010 11:39

Obviously a scam - if she had genuinely been in an accident other people would have seen it and helped her. Why would she need to chase a stranger up an alleyway?

Never get your purse out on any street in any part of London.

TheBoyWithaSORNedMX5 · 01/06/2010 11:40

I agree that this sounds fishy. And in the same way that you don't get your purse out in similar circumstances, pulling out your phone to call for help would have left you open to having that phone ripped out of your hand.

If I'd had any serious concerns that she might have been genuine, I think I'd have gone into a shop and phoned for help from there.

DaftApeth · 01/06/2010 11:42

There is a woman in West London who is seen regularly trying to scam mony from people with a sob story about her child having been in an accident and having no money to get to the hospital.

I fell for it once when out with a group of friends.

The local police have said that if she approaches for cash again, she should be told to go to the police station and she would always be helped, if it is a genuine case.

In my opinion, you did the right thing.

Original poster
gagamama · 01/06/2010 11:43

Ryoko, there are plenty of other beggars round here too, including my favourite who commutes in a Mondeo to Somerfield where he sits outside asking for money for chips every single day. One day I will buy him some chips just to see his reaction.

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 01/06/2010 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ryoko · 01/06/2010 12:03

Have any of you seen the Jesus lady? or the preacher?.

they are not beggers they are just odd.

The Preacher is a large (I'm not talking tall I mean large) black guy who gets on the 266 and then stands there at the back of the bus preaching like a USA televangelist.

The Jesus women is a little lady 50+ who walks around with a small picture of Jesus talking to it, she is very entertaining.

Oh and then there is the guy round Chiswick/Ealing (he gets about a bit) with his friend Tom who lives in his ear, he walks around with his finger in his ear talking to Tom like he's on a phone saying things like "I've got to go I have a police force to run" etc.

whoingodsnameami · 01/06/2010 12:14

ryoko, they are in every town, in my town we have the guy who spends much of his day on the train station, waving his fist and hurling abuse at every train that goes past, and the guy who cant walk past a amp post without hugging it.

whoingodsnameami · 01/06/2010 12:14

lamp post

violethill · 01/06/2010 12:15

Yes, sounds distinctly like a scam.

Too many things out of place for it to be genuine - walking away from the main road etc. If you were genuinely in an accident and had lost your shoes (though managed not to ladder your tights!) then would you honestly walk off down a dark alley and approach someone walking alone? Hardly.

Awful that some people stoop to this sort of thing.

Agree that if you are in genuine doubt, an offer to make a call to the police for them is always a possiblity. If she had been genuinely hurt/distressed, she wouldn't have turned that down.

thesecondcoming · 01/06/2010 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

miso · 01/06/2010 12:55

There is a long thread in the Herne Hill Forum about a girl who sounds like a lot this woman - if it is her, then she doesn't work alone, the police are aware of her (but can't do anything unless she is caught in the act) and she's reported to have moved on to surrounding areas.

It may not be her of course but you are not BU to trust your instincts. It's all very well to suggest clever things like offering to go to the station & buy a ticket for her, or to help her find a policeman (which she would obvioulsy refuse if she was scamming), but I wouldn't try this on my own, down a dark alley.

The saddest thing IMO that she probably is as desperate as she seems, either needing the money for drugs or to pass on to the people she's with. Not sure how to help with that, but I wouldn't want to encourage her scam.

miso · 01/06/2010 12:55

Oh and keep your eyes open - chances are you may see her again approaching other people...

Original poster
gagamama · 01/06/2010 13:09

Thanks miso, I think I've found the thread. Definitely sounds like the same woman. Glad I trusted my instincts on this one.

OP posts: