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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another dp one Im afraid!!!

64 replies

Foxy800 · 31/05/2010 08:57

Got to the point where I have had enough!!But dp thinks Im being unreasonable so thought Id come on here and see what you guys thought.

We went to a bbq at a friends who lived round the corner from us yesterday afternoon.
Dp busy drinking, we got there at about 230 aand lo wanted to go about 530ish, she knows her routine and likes to stick to it so as usual it was me who took her home, always is at these things!!! Dp promised lo who is 4 he would be home by 7. She was asking for him lots when we got home, 715 still not home so texted him and he came back, gave her a kiss and I put her to bed. We then had an arguement where of course everything was my fault!!! He then said he was going back to theirs to tidy up, drink more beer more like!!
So I told him not to come home then but he took his kisses and said he would be home so que me not sleeping well. ( I never do if Im expecting him home) but he didnt come home till 8am this morning. All he had to do was say fine Ill stay there and then I would of slept better.
Of course lo woke at 630 and came in to our room and asked where daddy was, I said I think he is downstairs and she went back to sleep on our bed. Was just rewaking when dp got home.

We dont go out often but whenever we do it ends up like this and to be honest Im sick of it.

So do you think I am being unreasonable? (Sorry its long)

OP posts:

Original poster

Foxy800 · 31/05/2010 09:09

Any comments would be gratefully received.

Got to take hime to work now but will pop back on afterwards so sorry if I dont answer straight away.

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 31/05/2010 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Klerka · 31/05/2010 09:09

YANBU.

Was this a 'family' BBQ? Does he often get lured in by the alcohol on these occasions?

You did tell him not to come home though and I've had selfish exp's who took that as a go-ahead despite them saying they would come home and I know what you mean about the bad sleep because of this.

So the 'tidying' up turned into an all-nighter... yes it's a bank holiday but it's not fair on you and your LO in my opinion. Not a very nice attitude, I assume he didn't let you know his plan to stay there? Does he have a very sore head this morning?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 31/05/2010 09:21

Very wrong of him to not say that he would be staying there - or to phone or text you later on to say don't wait up I'm going to crash here.

My husband used to pull all nighters regularly. Turn his phone off, turn up the next afternoon (or sometimes the day after that!) I could never get it through to him that I wanted communication!!

Now he phones me to let me know where he is, and he usually tells me if he's planning to not come home - although he doesn't really do it much any more.

I also stopped caring. That made him want to phone me when he learned that I just went to bed instead of staying up all night hitting redial and yelling abuse into his mobile answerphone!.

I think sometimes it can be a total misunderstanding of the other persons pov and a power struggle.

My husband thought I was trying to control him.

I thought he stayed out shagging other women because he didn't want to be with me.

I wasn't trying to control him, I just wanted to know what his plans were and whether he was coming home or not! I felt not bothering to let me know showed he didn't respect me.

He liked to get very drunk. And didn't want to come home to my yells and accusations and used to think well, I've stayed out for 2 hours I'm going to get it anyway, might as well stay all night!

I suppose what I am trying to say is how important it is to really communicate your pov and listen to his pov.

Kewcumber · 31/05/2010 09:25

hecate - did you get my email?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 31/05/2010 09:28

haven't checked my mail today will do right now.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 31/05/2010 09:32

nope.

did you send it to the right one?

the one starting ess
not the one starting emm?

darkandstormy · 31/05/2010 09:40

"as usual" with regards to taking little one home,usually you.Why is it never him?Next time make sure it is,next time you be the one who stays out all night and has fun.He can't whinge because it will be your turn.Don't take any of this crap that he can't cope, or lo won't settle cos that is just rubbish, and if he can't cope it is now time to learn.

Kewcumber · 31/05/2010 09:42

ok will check...

Kewcumber · 31/05/2010 09:43

oops! resent

HecateQueenOfWitches · 31/05/2010 10:04

replied.

4andnotout · 31/05/2010 10:07

5.30 was very early could you not have stayed as a family until 7 and then All gone home together?

Lauriefairycake · 31/05/2010 10:15

What Hecate says - been there, done that with my first husband.

Go to bed, get a good nights sleep without him. Do not wait up for him.

Tell him when he's sober all you want is communication and mean it. If you want to stay out all night or you want to stay longer at the party then get a babysitter.

You can't make him want to come home - he wants to stay out, he's just too afraid to say it.

MNHubbie · 31/05/2010 10:18

I agree with 4andnotout.

There is absolutely no reason on Earth you couldn't have gone home together. It is one thing for him to have the odd night out but this sounds regular.

If he can't go a night without drinking and without having to stay on to drink more then either:

a) he has no respect for you,
b) he has a problem with alcohol
or
c) both.

It is as simple as that. If he can't go out without drinking he has a problem. Don't make it your problem.

You need to talk and you need some help. Your doctor or the AA will be able to give some advice.

MNHubbie · 31/05/2010 10:20

For the record I don't drink so I know it is possible to actually go out, have fun etc without alcohol. I stopped out of respect for others because I didn't want to become the person you are describing your husband to be.

Original poster

Foxy800 · 31/05/2010 10:29

Thank you very much for your replies.

Thesecondcoming, the only reason I texted dp is because lo wanted to see him before she went to bed, and although she cant tell the time she has a programme in the evening (after her story etc) and knows after that it is bedtime. The reason I told him not to come home originally is cause I knew Id get woken up, if asleep and he would start arguing with me!!!

Klerka, no it was not a family bbq, it was an old work colleague of dp's who also lives across the back from us. Whatever the night out is he usually gets lured by the alcohol.
What annoyed me the most is he had work this morning and threatened me with well I wont go to work then. He rolled up this morning acting as if everything is fine and if anyone is to blame it is me!!!

Darkand stormy, the reason it is usually me is because he just keeps tryign to push it, where as I can see she has had enough seeing as she was asking to go home he just keeps telling her he isnt going yet. So I take her cause I see it as she has had enough no need ot push it especially as alot of the guests had gone anyway and the birthday girl was passed out upstairs anyway!!!

4andnotout, 530 is very early but lo is a very fussy eater and didnt eat much so was hungary. She also has a bedtime routine that we stick to as much as possible, she is not a great sleeper but has started to improve greatly over the last couple of weeks. She stayed at her nans the night before and was up at 530am so as she wanted to go home I didnt see the point in pushing her bedtime back ( she was shattered).

Maybe I am just being super sensitive at the moment as found out my Mum has cancer a couple of weeks ago!!!

Again thank you for the replies and sorry for the essay!!!

OP posts:

darkandstormy · 31/05/2010 10:36

Foxy 800 makes sure he pays for it today when he gets home you want full waited on hand and foot treatment,not to mention apology.Then I would drop it tbh,next time play the situ differnet though.As you say he does not always do this on a weekly basis.

MNHubbie · 31/05/2010 10:37

Opps missed the comment that 5.30 was early... d'oh. No, not early if that is what suits the family.

Original poster

Foxy800 · 31/05/2010 10:38

Sorry was replying when I got more replies. So will try to reply to them.

Lauriefairycake, it is exactly communication that I want. And I know I cant make him come home and if I knew it wouldnt result in an arguement then I would be happier about him going out or staying out. In regards to the coming home at 7 he said he would be home at 7 so he could say goodnight to lo, I dindt give him a time.

MnHubbie and 4andnotout, even if we had stayed till 7 he still would have said he wasnt ready to go and it would have been me going with an extremely tired 4 yr old. Nine times out of ten this is what happens anyway, we stay longer then I go on my own.

We dont go out very often and it wasnt all about staying out as I didnt want to stay all evening otherwise would of got a babysitter. It was about going out as a family adn coming home as a family.

MnHubbie, I too do not drink so its not a case of both of us drinking.

OP posts:

MNHubbie · 31/05/2010 10:41

FFS if you just found that out about your mum then he needs to sort his life out pretty damned quick because you are going to need a fuck load of support, trust me. Been there, done that and I sincerely hope things work out much better for you than it did for us.

TBH if he knows this and is still acting the same way I restate he is either a twat, has an alcohol problem or both. Whatever it is he either needs to get help, sort his life out or fuck off as you deserve better.

Original poster

Foxy800 · 31/05/2010 10:45

I do try to play it differently every time but it is getting to the point where I dread going out with him. Even when we go out as a couple I have to really let him know Ive had enough as if we go out for an evening just us ( very rare) he doesnt seem to listen and its not like Im saying it at 8 its more like 1130 -12ish, I can handle that more its just the fact he doesnt get idea of going to these things as a family would be nice if we came home as a family. He even has beer in the fridge.

But as always with him it is always me who is being unreasonable but in my eyes Im just thinking of my lo.

Thanks for all the replies.

OP posts:

MNHubbie · 31/05/2010 10:48

YANBU

Original poster

Foxy800 · 31/05/2010 10:49

Thank you MNHubbie, I just got to the point of not knowing what to do anymore, Mum lives over 300 miles away which doesnt help things all though the outcome from her doctor seems positive at the moment, just got to wait at the moment for her to have an operation.

Sorry to hear things didnt work out well for you.

OP posts:

MNHubbie · 31/05/2010 12:16

My only advice would be spend as much time with her as you can.

Original poster

Foxy800 · 31/05/2010 12:19

Will do and thank you.

OP posts:

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