Another dp one Im afraid!!!

[Foxy800]

Got to the point where I have had enough!!But dp thinks Im being unreasonable so thought Id come on here and see what you guys thought.

We went to a bbq at a friends who lived round the corner from us yesterday afternoon.
Dp busy drinking, we got there at about 230 aand lo wanted to go about 530ish, she knows her routine and likes to stick to it so as usual it was me who took her home, always is at these things!!! Dp promised lo who is 4 he would be home by 7. She was asking for him lots when we got home, 715 still not home so texted him and he came back, gave her a kiss and I put her to bed. We then had an arguement where of course everything was my fault!!! He then said he was going back to theirs to tidy up, drink more beer more like!!
So I told him not to come home then but he took his kisses and said he would be home so que me not sleeping well. ( I never do if Im expecting him home) but he didnt come home till 8am this morning. All he had to do was say fine Ill stay there and then I would of slept better.
Of course lo woke at 630 and came in to our room and asked where daddy was, I said I think he is downstairs and she went back to sleep on our bed. Was just rewaking when dp got home.

We dont go out often but whenever we do it ends up like this and to be honest Im sick of it.

So do you think I am being unreasonable? (Sorry its long)

Indeed. It's not the daughter who is dictating anything. The daughter wanted to go home, which is perfectly reasonable. Her father said he'd be home at 7. The daughter was asking where Daddy was. The OP texted him.

Foxy taking her daughter home meant that she (as always) was the one to miss out on further socialising, and had to listen to 'where's Daddy?' and no doubt had to get tea/bath/etc sorted. Which isn't a huge hardship on its own, but is unfair if you're always the one to do it.

They were just round the corner. A decent compromise would have been - ok, you take her home and do tea/etc., I'll be home around 7 for bedtime, then I'll stay in with her and you go back to the party for a bit. Or he could've gone home with his family at 5.30, stayed until after bedtime and then gone back himself, I bet Roxy wouldn't have minded that.

What he did, though, was to say unilaterally Í want to stay here and party, so you have to be the one to remember we have a young child.

FOxy: has this man always been selfish? If so, then the selfishness is pretty deep-rooted and TBH he is unlikely to change. He thinks that he is the person in the family who matters, you are only a 'woman' and DD an accessory and proof that his sperm works.

If he was previously a reasonable and loving partner then the problem is more likely to be that he is, or is becoming, alcohol-dependent.

I just think there's a lot more to it than the party, as OP says they don't go out often. If they don't go out often, to me that would be once every couple of months or less. So why would she be so bothered about it and have reached the point where she had had enough?

I think we don't know enough as to whether there is more to it than has been posted, and I felt she was using the child to voice her feelings rather than feeling that her views were valid. I might be wrong, but was interested. If her husband is becoming alcohol-dependent, then that would explain it. But I just feel it needs further questioning to get to the root of the matter, rather than agreeing her DH is being unreasonable (as he seemed to be in the first post).

Can I just say he said he would be home at 7 not me, I just said I was taking lo home. I didnt state a time for him to be home.

Unfortunately cant take it in turns to drive as he cant drive.

To be honest I would rather he hadnt told lo that he would be home at 7, as I could just have put her to bed and explained that he woll be home later as I have done in the past. It was the fact that he told her and didnt follw it though (I suspect he only came home cause I text him).

AS previously put it is the fact HE told lo he would be home that upset me.

Maybe I should just resign myself to the fact that when we go out as a family to these things it will be me that takes her home and be done with it.

I dont know maybe I am being oversensitive at the moment due to my Mum.

THank you for the different points of view. Its interesting to see it from other peoples points of view.

Cretaceous- the reason I was feeling like Id had enough is because we have the same thing happen 9 out of 10 times when we do go out.

It sounds to me like there are two problems.

First, when he has been drinking quite a bit you can't have a reasonable conversation with him, and so you argue. This is aggravated when you feel you have been dumped on with childcare. My DH used to be prone to starting arguments when drunk - BUT he did admit in the morning when he had been unreasonable and silly.

Second, when he starts drinking at any social event he can't/won't limit it to a small amount.

The first could possibly be dealt with by agreeing beforehand that if he wants to go out on a bender he should stay over at a friends. In return for 'getting a pass' he then looks after DD when you want to go out. The second I think is more worrying, if it is the case. He should be able to limit his drinking so that you can have times when you can socialise together and he stays sober enough to stick to agreements you made beforehand and to not have silly arguments which spoil the evening.

And I'm sorry to hear about your mum.

Thanks, ChocolateMoose,

Very good advice which I think I will be suggesting. I dont see it as being dumped on as she is my daughter but agree it would be good to have a break 1 evening.

Hi me again, after some more advice.

After last weekend we unfortunately had soem beer left that dp has slowly been working his way through. All ok, a few cans a night till last night. I went up to bed about 10 and he said he would be up shortly.

Anyway I woke up at 430 to alarm going off ( he has to leave for work at 5!!) to find he hadnt slept in bed, came downstairs to find him asleep on the sofa (no problem there). The problem being I discovered he had worked his way through the rest of the beer which till this morning i didnt really was 13 cans!!!

All he said when I woke him up was I should have come and got him (so therefore my fault!!).

He has gone to work and thankfully there is no beer left in the house and wont be for a while but I was wondering if anyone knew of anywhere I could get some professional advice ( I know he will deny having a problem but to me last night was just stupid when he has to work so early, especially in his job!!!).

We have a family wedding to go to this afternoon miles away from home which I am now dreading, (all his family will be there so hopefully he will behave but even so).
I have been thinking about not going since this mornig but lo is really looking forward to it and seeing her family so dont feel I can!!!

All I can think of is that you contact AA and ask them for suggestions. Hopefully someone more knowledgeable will be along in a minute

Ok thanks. Whatever going to be hard as he will deny it!!!

Please anyone?

Foxy i think you need to talk to al anon. My DH was the same as yours. I was slowly going mad for the same reasons you are. Not stopping once he started drinking. Sleeping on the sofa. Cans and more cans. Unable to have a calm or sensible conversation. Timekeeping (he said he'd be home at... He was meant to finish work at... He was going to meet us at... Texting and calling demanding to know when he's coming home etc). Counting drinks. I was hiding/pouring drinks out. He doesnt drink every day but most weekends/days off. Ended up having a massive fight because he came home drunk again, i pushed him out of the bedroom to get him to stop gibbering rubbish and he hit me. I was so shocked i ended up going to the doctor with stress/anxiety and i couldnt think of anything except what he was doing, whether he was drinking or going to be drinking.

I went on the support thread for partners of addicts to find out how to control the drinking. Was told try al anon to sort MY head out. I was feeling 'but its not me who has a problem' however i could see i needed help and support so i went.

I cant praise it enough. So many peole with the same problems as me. I got Codependent no more, book by Melanie Beattie, again recommended by mumsnet friends, and found that i am the one with problems and how to stop worrying/trying to stop DH drinking too much, and how to start looking after myself for a change.

Please either look at the book or go to al anon. My DH has been fab since i stopped taking any notice of anything to do with drink and stopped enabling him (buying cans etc). And the only times he has come home drunk (twice in 5 weeks) he has left me to sleep and not annoyed me or woken me as he knows i just wouldnt rise to it! He has started to respect me since i began to find self esteem.

Please read the book or go to an al anon meeting. Good luck!

Oh - and I hope you enjoy the family wedding

Wedding was good thanks and I will definately look into it. Many thanks.