Another dp one Im afraid!!!

[Foxy800]

Got to the point where I have had enough!!But dp thinks Im being unreasonable so thought Id come on here and see what you guys thought.

We went to a bbq at a friends who lived round the corner from us yesterday afternoon.
Dp busy drinking, we got there at about 230 aand lo wanted to go about 530ish, she knows her routine and likes to stick to it so as usual it was me who took her home, always is at these things!!! Dp promised lo who is 4 he would be home by 7. She was asking for him lots when we got home, 715 still not home so texted him and he came back, gave her a kiss and I put her to bed. We then had an arguement where of course everything was my fault!!! He then said he was going back to theirs to tidy up, drink more beer more like!!
So I told him not to come home then but he took his kisses and said he would be home so que me not sleeping well. ( I never do if Im expecting him home) but he didnt come home till 8am this morning. All he had to do was say fine Ill stay there and then I would of slept better.
Of course lo woke at 630 and came in to our room and asked where daddy was, I said I think he is downstairs and she went back to sleep on our bed. Was just rewaking when dp got home.

We dont go out often but whenever we do it ends up like this and to be honest Im sick of it.

So do you think I am being unreasonable? (Sorry its long)

YANBU

Pisses me off that some men seem to think this behaviour is ok.

My ex used to do similar. Prick. Tis part of the reason he is an ex.

This is why, as a non-drinker myself, I'd not stay a minute with someone who still drank like that.

I just don't 'get' staying up night getting pissed.

Seems pretty dumb to me, if you have little kids.

I can think of about a million ways to have fun that don't involve this.

Im so glad im not the only one, so many people think I am weird because I dont drink.

Not at all. Since stopping I'm getting increasingly pissed off with the assumption on TV and by friends that everyone wants to drink.

I don't drink any more.

Well, I'll sometimes have half a glass of wine at a celebration.

I find drunken people boring, irritating and can't stand to be around them as they talk rubbish and make fools of themselves. Which is why I actually prefer it if my husband is going to be drunk that he buggers off and comes back the next day. Because he talks shit.

It's the lack of communication that I always hated.

Same here, if he went out and stayed somewhere but told me he was doing it I would be fine and would be able ot get a reason amount of sleep, its the not knowing what time he is coming in etc and what sort of state he will be in when he does come in that I dont like.

I know how you feel. Does your husband think you are trying to 'control' him when you dare to ask him to let you know his plans?

I put my husband's problem with my expecting to know what was happening to cultural differences. I have seen many of his friends and family members and the men come and go as they like and the women never say a word. The man arrives back at a time of his choosing and the woman makes food. When we first married my husband was - well, almost outraged that I mouthed off at him about it He used to accuse me of treating him like a child used to say that he was 'only' coming home (and therefore should not be expected to stick to an agreed time. Oh, it was loads of bloody fun I can tell you

Maybe I am nuts but I wouldn't let a small child hold the whole family to bloody ransom - I owuld have taken her home and put her to be - she knew daddy was at barbecue so why not just tell her that FGS?

I would have said I am taking DD home now - I will see you later - he probably would have just come home later cutting out all of the bullshit and arguements.

Hate to be frank but the scenario stems from the fact
1." He is just not that into you", or more to the point your situation as a couple

1. I think if you are really honest with yourself, you are not that into him.

Sorry, if this is a bit brutal, the question is to get to the best compromise situation or what to do next.

Sorry MadameCastafiore, my lo doesnt not hold us to ransom as you put it and if he hadnt come home I would of put her to bed but he told her we were going as a family and that he would be home before bed not me.

And even if I had just gone and left him ( I didnt make a scene there, just told him I was taking lo home and she would like him to come. He didnt want to so told lo he would be home at 7) he still would of started some sort of arguement when he did come in, he always does when he has been drinking heavily.

Dont worry about being frank darkandstormy its what I need at the moment. Im really confused about so many things at the moment what with my mum and the way he treats me when he has been drinking. ( He not too bad when he is sober).

I don't know, you told him not to come home so maybe he was having so much fun he just thought 'sod it' she told me not to come home.

though, from what you have said in your other posts it sounds like he has a drink problem and also I think staying out until 8am at someone elses house when you have work the next day is a bit immature. He sounds like he's not outgrown his youth.

'the way he treats me when he has been drinking. ( He not too bad when he is sober).'

xpost with Dueling as I've not seen any of your other threads, but there's my red flag there.

Anytime you have to qualify someone as 'He/she is nice when they're not . . . (drinking, using drugs, angry, etc)' they've got a problem.

He would only deny it. (as he puts it he can go weeks without ( ie we have no money to go out or to buy beer to have at home)).
Some nights he only has a few (when we have it in) and is ok apart from snoring when I just go down to the sofa.Its when he has more and I had a feeling yesterday was going to be a nightmare after he drank 3 in an hour.

In regards to the staying out I said it at home when he came back to say night to lo as I didnt want any middle of the night rows but he was the only insisting he took his keys as he was coming home!!!

my xp used to frequently stay out all night, and I could NEVER get hold of him. He would go out for a 'couple' of pints with his friends, say he would be back around 'x' o'clock and not appear until 6 or 7 the next morning. no matter how many times I asked him just to text me if he was going to be later, he wouldn't. drove me mad.
It got to the point where I hated him going out as I knew what would happen, he would promise to be back and then not be. He said I was controlling, and thats how I looked to anyone looking in. I absolutely hated it.

I don't think you can change they way someone is, and if he wants to stay out drinking all night then he will do that regardless of what you say. A leopard never changes its spots and all that. I hope you figure it out, but imo if two people are so different then it is very hard to be in a relationship.

Thank you to everyone for your replies. It has been good to look at it from other peoples points of view, especially as it is people who dont know us so thank you everyone.

Ps, grapesandmoregrapes, I know what you mean, Im sure that is how I am portraited to others too and I hate it, at the end of the day all I want is a bit of communication.

Also meant to say he must be feeling it, he is home from work acting like nothing happened and he has beer in the fridge and isnt drinking it.

Having a drink problem does not necessarily mean you drink all the time the issue may only occur when you drink. So ignoring the beer in the fridge does not mean that you can ignore the problem.

You need to speak to someone who is a true expert on where to go next but it will ultimately be down to you. You are not CONTROLLING you are being reasonable. What he wants is immature. You have to be firm and do not give up. Make it clear how serious you take this sort of thing is no matter how he reacts. It matters not if he thinks you are being immature or a nag. If he wants to be with you he has to be with you not with alcohol.

Thanks MNHubbie, I know it is the fact of what happens when you do actually drink, I used to work as a bar maid and saw it all the time. The only reason he didnt touch it last night is probably because he felt too rough too.(He wouldnt say he was if you asked him though).

Will be having a talk with him about it all though as I cant put up with this every time we go out, besides its not fair on lo, she doesnt hear the arguements as I wont argue in front of her but she is old enough to understand other things, ie when we go out as a family we go home as a family for example.

Thank you to everyone who has replied to this thread.

Foxy, if your partner thinks you're being unreasonable, can you get him to formulate what he actually wants? I.e., "I want Foxy and our daughter to come with me to social events but if I want to stay out past our daughter's bedtime I think Foxy should take her home and do the bedtime routine, and I will come home when it suits me". "If we have a fight and I need some space to think, I want to be able to stay out overnight without any backlash".

Formulating it from his point of view often helps clarify things. I think the above is unreasonable, for example, but perhaps he would formulate it differently?

Will see what he says later when I have a talk with him as Ive got to go to work now (so if I dont reply till later that is why).

I just think we need to find a middle ground so this doesnt happen everytime as I dread us getting invited out now due to this repeatedly happening.

I think that maybe you are being a bit U though. This is because you say: "I didnt make a scene there, just told him I was taking lo home and she would like him to come. He didnt want to so told lo he would be home at 7" It was you who wanted him home, surely. I think you were using her a bit, as why does she need both of you at bedtime?

Personally, I think the advantage of going to places as a couple is that only one of you has to go home with the children, and the other can stay. I was therefore a bit puzzled by "she is old enough to understand other things, ie when we go out as a family we go home as a family". Just as long as it isn't always him who gets to stay out, iyswim...

I think you are being a bit controlling, really.

Am really sorry about your mum, though.

Cretaceous, I do see where you are coming from actually.

Foxy600, I do utterly sympathise with you, perhaps your Mum being diagnosed with Cancer HAS made you a tad oversensitive, again understandable.

Your DD is 4, she doesn't get to call the shots over the entire family's social life. Just because she needs to go to bed at 6pm or whatever doesn't necessarily mean that the whole family has to leave a party in progress and trot home... Unless they want to.

Telling your DD that daddy would be home at 7 and then informing him of such? I have to say, as much as I am the only parent that does anything for my DS (4) if someone were to do this to me, bearing in mind that I've only actually ever been out without DS once (last week) I'd probably throw a bit of a hissy fit myself!

I'm not for a second suggesting that DP's reaction was valid, it wasn't, it was extremely childish and petty. If he had said I'll go back for a couple of hours, and then did come back when the party was finished, then fine. You did however go on the attack and told him to be back by 7pm, or not at all, so of course he took the flouncy babyish option. Many many men in my circle, stepD, DH etc are exactly the same, infuriating!

I'm slightly concerned about how he behaves when he has a drink... indicates a minor drink problem, or one certainly on the way to manifesting.

Don't set yourself or your DD up for disappointment. Tell her that Daddy will be back later, and to tell her to say goodnight at the party. If she kicks off about it, tell her Daddy will put her to bed another day, if indeed he does get to do that.

Like who drives when going to parties, can you take turns? Any chance you can say to DP that next time HE's on bed duty and YOU stay on at the BBQ?

LittleMissHissyFit - it wasn't the OP that said he would be home at 7, it was her DP. If he said this to their DD then he should make sure that he is, or not say it in the first place.

I'm still a bit confused. You say you don't go out very often. Did you want to be the one to stay out and your DH to take LO home, or did you want neither of you to stay out? If it's the latter, then I do think that maybe YABU. If the party's not your thing, but OH (who rarely goes out) wanted to stay, then why not? As long as he "lets" you go out to your things.

And your DP said 7pm, but you texted him at 7.15. It's easy to lose track of time at a party, and he did come home to say goodnight. I just don't see why he had to. If lo was asking for him lots, it suggests that DH is normally there.

Perhaps I take this view because my OH and I share looking after DC on nights out. I'd be glad he was having a good time, so that he wouldn't resent me having a good time when it was my turn.

I just feel it may not be so clearcut as it initially appears.

What rot. I'm a husband and I don't have the right to avoid responsibility or behave like a teenager like this prat is. OP you are not being controlling at all you are being reasonable. It is fair to expect your partner to do what they said they would and it is fair to expect him not to get that drunk ever or to do this sort of thing frequently. You are a partnership and he has got to grow up.