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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want this woman to visit me in hospital

52 replies

every20minutes · 30/05/2010 23:39

My father-in-law's wife is a bit of an unsavory character. In a few weeks I'll be giving birth to my first child and I really don't want her visiting me in hospital. She will say something inappropriate and spiteful and ruin the birth aftermath. I don't want my first ever birth experience to be tainted by her.

I'd rather not go into detail. Suffice to say that every single time I have seen her she has said something to make me feel uncomfortable. The birth will be no exception.

Problem is, whereas I don't know the woman that well, she is my husband's father's wife. My husband has a strained relationship with his father. He is tryng to rebuild this relationship. I know that if she is not invited to the hospital then his father will not come. My husband will not be happy about this.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
bigstripeytiger · 30/05/2010 23:41

Do you neeed anyone to visit you in hospital? Could they wait until you get home. Depending on the delivery you might not be in that long anyway.

PortiaNovmerriment · 30/05/2010 23:43

You could be out in six hours- just ask all visitors to wait until you're home.

Original poster
every20minutes · 30/05/2010 23:43

I was at a hospital antenatal class today and they spoke about visiting hours. They encouraged long stays for those wishing to breastfeed.

OP posts:
YouCantTeuchThis · 30/05/2010 23:44

Sha 'can't^ ruin it! In fact, you will be so all about the love, that you will probably feel an iota of kindness towards her, and what must have gone on in her life to make her who she is today.

Your husband is trying to rebuild the relationship wit his dad - if the is really important to him, then you don't sweat the small stuff (like listening to a few uncomfortable remarks - says more about her, and all that!) and support him.

Actually, why don't you just let DH decide? You are a grown up - sticks and stones?!

Vallhala · 30/05/2010 23:47

FWIW - this isn't about your husband, or his father or step-mother. This is about you. It's you who will be recovering from labour, you who will be trying to feed peacefully, you who will want and deserve to enjoy the first couple of days with your newborn first child without distress or disruption.

And so you should have that. You can't ever get those first couple of days back and if relationship with this woman are strained at the best of times the last thing you need is to suffer her at your bedside in the maternity hospital. I'd say calmly tell your DH why you don't want her there, explain how she will make you feel and if that fails put your foot down and make it clear that she will not be coming.

You only get one shot at enjoying the first week of your first child. Make sure you enjoy it, your way.

Original poster
every20minutes · 30/05/2010 23:47

YouCantTeuchThis I'll be the first to have the courage to say that I have anxiety and depression. Sticks and stones do tend to hurt me for days afterwards.

Yes I'm a grown up, but I'm also vulnerable. It's not ideal but it's the way things are.

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 30/05/2010 23:50

Don't tell them you're in hospital.

Tell them when you're home. Have no visitors in the hospital so they can't bitch about not being there.

And why don't you warn her? Why don't you tell her you only want positive thoughts? And if she's got nothing nice to say, then she shouldn't say it?

Whatever your dh's relationship with his father, you can't be expected to put up with anything in return.

Original poster
every20minutes · 30/05/2010 23:51

Vallhala I told my husband how I feel. He said ok.

But I feel guilty and torn

My instinct is telling me to keep that woman away, whereas my selfless side is telling me to push my feelings to one side.

OP posts:
StarlightMcKenzie · 30/05/2010 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

YouCantTeuchThis · 30/05/2010 23:52

Well, that is different. In that case, you just ask DH if they can visit you at home when you are feeling less vulnerable.

But long term, if your family are intent on rebuilding, it looks like you will have to tackle this issue in a way that you and DH agree on.

Don't let them tar you with the 'precious' brush at this stage though. I have been there and it is bloody hard to struggle back up that brae!

Original poster
every20minutes · 30/05/2010 23:53

WinkyWinkola If we dare say anything to her then she will definetly say something inappropriate at the hospital. I suspect she does it to keep us away. For the most part, it has worked with me. I never go to see her.

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 30/05/2010 23:53

Nope. Your feelings come first.

You are having your baby. You come first. Sorry. That's the way it is. Your midwife and doctor will put you first.

Start putting yourself first. You're not responsible for anyone else.

I loathe the martyrdom I see some women put themselves through.

Sounds to me like whatever you do your fil's wife will still say something horrid. So do what you need regardless. You can't win with her so make sure you win with you.

Original poster
every20minutes · 30/05/2010 23:54

YouCantTeuchThis what's the 'precious' brush? (excuse my ignorance)

OP posts:
fyimate · 30/05/2010 23:55

Have you spoken to your DH about your concerns?
If you really do not want her there than explain this to your husband.

Rebuilding a relationship between father and son is also very important.

Best thing you can do is speak to your DH.
If what this woman says is nothing more than petty remarks you'll probably have to ignore her.

Does she do it infront of your DH and his dad? Surely they would pick up on it if they were really hurtful comments? Maybe you are being too sensetive?
Have you told her you find her comments hurtful? Maybe she is one of these people who do not realise how hurtful they are being in what they say?

(just throwing a few out there to clarify the situation a bit more)

capstone · 30/05/2010 23:55

Excellent post from Vallhala.

You're the one who will be giving birth and staying in hospital. You're entitled to make your own decisions about visitors and you don't have to give them a reason. It would be unreasonable of anyone to try to make you feel bad about this.

I agree with the suggestion of setting a date for them to come and visit you at home once you are out.

OnEdge · 30/05/2010 23:57

I am like you, get really worked up anticipating nasties and they never let you down. My husband and I now deal with it by discussing the probablity before they arrive and then when they say it, we give each other a knowing glance. When they have gone, we will discuss it and analyse it together. Just makes it less painful.

Remember the character in Bridget Jones Edge of Reason they called the jellyfish because she would keep stinging them with her barbed comments. When she came out with one, there would be a loud PING and a score would appear at the bottom of the screen. Try and treat the situation like this. Helps you rise above it.

seeker · 30/05/2010 23:57

"They encouraged long stays for those wishing to breastfeed"

did they say what they meant by long stays? In my experience, "long say" is about 3 days for a straightforward delivery! You can surely fend her off for three days?

Bunnyjo · 31/05/2010 00:00

OP, it is a really difficult one. On the one hand, you are right and this is a special time for you, but on the other hand it is also a special time for your DH and you have to respect his wishes also.

FWIW I have a strained relationship with my MIL, I won't go into details, but some of the things she has done are shocking. At the end of the day, she is DH's family and I have to accept that. My MIL did visit us in hospital and it didn't spoil my post birth enjoyment - I feel it actually helped to heal some wounds.

fyimate · 31/05/2010 00:01

I think it wouldnt be unreasonable to want to have just your DH there in the hospital.
I dont know much else so couldnt really say whether you should have her there for when you're home or not.

I like what OnEdge said, that's a good set up between you and your DH.

To OP; How does your DH feel about it?

YouCantTeuchThis · 31/05/2010 00:05

as in accusing you of being precious. I am very precious about some things, but because of how things have panned out in the past with DH family, they can dismiss me (and my feelings/opinions) very easily by labelling me as the 'precious' one.

Is very frustrating, and makes hindsight an enemy of mine on many an occasion!

Good luck and don't feel bad - you are hormonal and vulnerable now, so tell DH how you feel and hopefully you can avoid her till baby starts school for a few days.

Original poster
every20minutes · 31/05/2010 00:10

OnEdge I remember the jellyfish! That's a new way of looking at her

OP posts:
Mishy1234 · 31/05/2010 08:25

I was felt very sensitive for a good week after giving birth and wouldn't have wanted anyone I didn't trust around me during that time (especially in hospital).

I think the period just after having a baby is one of the times you can be entirely justified in being a bit selfish. I would suggest just saying you are asking people to wait until you return home before visiting. Entirely reasonable IMO, especially under the circumstances.

The time immediately after the birth is VERY special and you both have a right to enjoy it.

Hope you have a lovely and peaceful babymoon.

Meglet · 31/05/2010 08:36

Just tell them that you will wait and see how the birth goes and then get in touch with people when you feel up for a visit. If you end up with any complications the last thing you will want is people bothering you.

I had a wretched time after an em cs with everyone invading me and visiting . I should have told them all to feck off.

Second time round I had a planned cs, a private room and despite XP being an arse he agreed to call his family and tell them we wouldn't be up for visits for a week or so, and even then their visits were kept short. It was bliss. I don't regret it and everyone in the family didn't seem too bothered and still turned up for cuddles a week or so later.

posieparker · 31/05/2010 08:46

You will be exhausted and vulnerable, keep her away. You having a baby is a time for others to put you first, above everything.

DSM · 31/05/2010 08:46

Can you not just get over it? Fine, she might say something nasty, but it's not going to he a shock, your prepared for it, so can't you just ignore it, or even gave a laugh about it once she's gone?

I don't get why you're making such a big deal. Of you honestly can't get her to not visit, then I don't think it's worth your husband not being allowed his father to visit in the hospital for the sake of potentially hearing an expected nasty word or two in 20 mins.