to not want this woman to visit me in hospital

[every20minutes]

My father-in-law's wife is a bit of an unsavory character. In a few weeks I'll be giving birth to my first child and I really don't want her visiting me in hospital. She will say something inappropriate and spiteful and ruin the birth aftermath. I don't want my first ever birth experience to be tainted by her.

I'd rather not go into detail. Suffice to say that every single time I have seen her she has said something to make me feel uncomfortable. The birth will be no exception.

Problem is, whereas I don't know the woman that well, she is my husband's father's wife. My husband has a strained relationship with his father. He is tryng to rebuild this relationship. I know that if she is not invited to the hospital then his father will not come. My husband will not be happy about this.

Thoughts?

DSM....Are all of your posts so choppy?

I would say no visitors in hospital and you'll let them know when they can visit. You may have a 24 hour labour!

It is good that your dh wants to rebuild his relationship with his father, but this should not come at your cost.

Two grown ups rebuilding their relationship must be a reciprocal thing. Is it only your husband who is rebuilding the relationship, or is your father in law also keen? If your husband is doing all the running, and your inlaws are calling all the shots, there is not much of a relationship to build, is there? The sad fact is that your husband might have to just come to terms with this, and focus on his OWN family, ie, you and your child together. He needs to put you first.

Part of the parcel with rebuilding a relationship is that he cannot build the same relationship as he had before with his dad, he must build a new one. One that includes YOU, one that emphasizes that YOU are a person of value, and should be treated as such. For this reason, it is not your dh rebuilding a relationship, it is your family building a relationship with his father. If his wife is not able to understand this, both your husband and your father should understand they need to keep her away from you. Them building bridges should not affect your mental health.

Your husband needs to bring this up with his father, and his father needs to agree and keep his wife in control. HE needs to make her understand that this is how it should be.

It is not your problem. It is your father inlaws problem. And if he is not willing to tackle it, it is clear where his priorities lay. Good Luck.

I also suggest you make a rule "No visitors in hospital". Aside from maybe your parents, aat your descretion. YOU have been in labour, you need support of supportive family.

sorry, terribly hungover.

Didn't mean it as harshly as it came across there, apologies op. But I stand by the sentiment, since you know what to expect from her can't you just ignore it?

Get your DH to be on your side and stop her from being rude.

Are you in the UK?

Will you have a private room?

Would you be happy that your DH and his Dad and SMIL saw your babe without you?

Can you slip the midwife some 'grease' so that she can keep this MIL at bay and not allow her in to see you?

Just tell the midwife that this woman upsets you too much and you don't want to see her, or have her admitted to the ward / room.
The midwife / nurse can come up with excuses: No visitors because....She's sleeping / has an infection / is feeding / at a bf class / the physio / lactation consultant is with her.... endless excuses may be used and re-used!

Or the nurse can be asked to stay in the room, or that she comes in after three minutes or so to order you to use the bedpan! Get friendly with your post birth nursing staff - box of chocolates are a must.

There is a solution.

Focus on getting the birth over and done with and the feeding sorted out.

YOu never know, your midwife / DH may never leave your side if you ask her / him to 'protect' you from her.

Announce the birth of your babe when you are home and sorted out..

FWIW I've never got this "I must view the babe on it's first day" thing that seems to strike - it's very unsettling for babe and Mum.
You don't have to have her there - just enrol people to help you - remember you are under the care of the doctors and nurses there - you DO have rights about visitors if they effect your mental health, and they DO have an obligation and a duty of care to see that you are not damaged by your stay under their care.

Get them to help you, talk to them about your strategy.

Is there counselling available for you?

Figure out your strategy to keep this woman at arms length if you choose it so, and good luck!

Just say no.

I reckon the first few days in the hellish hospital, with hellish visitors contributed a lot to my PND.

It's your time. Simples.

Your best bet is to send a text saying the baby has been born once you've arrived home, I don't know why more people don't do that. Time on the ward is for you to rest not have 50 of your closest friends and family arrive with balloons.

Our midwife told us to blame her if we didn't want to see anyone immediately after the birth. Just tell everyone the midwife/consultant has said "no hospital visits" for everyone other than DH because of the "state" you're in -- no need to be more explicit than that.

I sympathise. Keep her away.

A couple of my in-laws managed to upset me when I was at my most fragile after DD2 was born teeny tiny after a very difficult and nerve-wracking pregnancy, by expressing their regret that she wasn't a boy. One of the comments was by phone - you don't need to see people for them to upset you...

If I could have that time again I would have avoided all visits and phone calls from them for at least 2 weeks, leaving DH to field enquiries and send photos.

I finally learnt with my third child....I had only my Mum,Dad,Nan and siblings visit for the whole first week. It was wonderful and stopped the whole thing being turned into a circus.
It was a very special time for us as a family. I just told everyone beforehand, that I was having a week to myself and I would see them soon. Everyone thought it was a great idea and I didn't have anyone get funny about it.

There's no need to see anyone at the hospital.

If the jellyfish visits while you are at home, you can just excuse yourself when they come (be too tired, and let DH and FIL field - and hopefully deal with - any comments on this). They can enjoy themselves with the baby. Then you can go to get baby for a feed/ change, and that's that. Are you planning to breastfeed?

If "anyone" makes a fuss, tell her them it's not about visiting you but the baby. You're not feeling sociable as you're tired and fragile.

Sorry about this aggro. You don't need it now, and certainly will not need it then!

It's true about it being easier in hospital than at home though. Hospitals are a boring and no-one wants to stay there that long. Hopefully they will come and go and worst comes to worst you can get a MW to usher them away.

At home might feel a bit more intrusive.

To be honest though I think the anticipation of the first week is worse than the reality (obvious it is pretty hellish, the first week with a newborn!) but actually visitors etc. were the least of my worries when the time came. Try not to fret. She won't ruin the birth experience, really, it doesn't work like that. You'll have more important things to think about by then.

Oh, and 3 days in hospital sounds ok at first, but when you have spent the first night awake the whole time due to the heat and woman snoring you'll want out of there pretty quickly!

I know how it feels when you are going to see someone and you know that they'll say something barbed or even a bit unpleasant.

It puts you on edge and can spoil every encounter. It doesn't sound like a big deal but it is.

Especially when you know that if you said something it would blow up into something big and it's as if the other person is either baiting you or being snippy because they know they can get away with it because you don't want to stand up to them to avoid a scene.

My sil is exactly like this and I avoid her at every single opportunity. It can really get you down.

I can't imagine having someone like that around when you've just had a baby. No way should you see her. This time I would put my foot down and not be afraid to make a scene, frankly. If they ask why, tell them. Tell them it's because of the constant unpleasant remarks and you've had enough of it so unless she pulls up her socks, that's it.

If my sil starts to realise I'm avoiding her and asks questions, I will be doing the same. It's bullying and nobody has to put up with it imo.

Totally agree with QS.

You come first after giving birth. Having someone bully you during this period can lead to pnd and can hinder bonding.

Btw I am a midwife and am advising you to put yourself first

Bit different situation but my toxic ExMIL insisted on visiting my DC on a daily basis when he was in hospital for a few weeks a few years back. It was my DC that was poorly but her visits really, really drained me and left me feeling so very incapable and useless. Goodness knows how I would have felt had I just given birth!

I would suggest just having people around who you know will be emotionally and practically helpful.

No feeling guilty and torn.

This time is all about you and your baby everyone else can just suck it up.

You need to be selfish here, people expect too much of women, it is bullshit. Say No and let DP deal with that.

My cousin texted everyone after his dw had her first baby saying "baby unsettled, no visitors please"
I thought it was genius especially as my extended family are the sort who would visit you after day-case surgery if they could!
Also, get the hospital on-side. Tell a nurse if someone is there who you would rather not have there and they should be able to magic up some jabs or tests that need doing!

At the hospital I was in (not sure if they are all like this) you could tell the receptionist she was not to confirm to anyone phoning that you were there and could also tell them to stop specific people coming in.

All maternity units have door/buzzer systems, so they can't just walk in.

I'd suggest telling them in advance you don't want visitors in hospital and then telling the staff when you get there, so they can shield you if they ring/turn up

building on the jellyfish scoring...

1. work out all the horrible things she might say or do. Doing this all in conjunction with your dh will make it even more fun.

1. award different points to each horrible thing

1. points make prizes - write a list of prizes for points you get from the different horrible things said. Start off with a bar of choc and a glass of wine, work your way up through a bottle of champagne to a new pair of shoes/handbag and holiday . OK so you might not want to get quite that extravagant but even if it is just another square of choc/slice of choc cake/glass of wine/new magazine for each mean comment, it puts the power with you as you are waiting for the comments and you want them, you're not listening to what nasty thing she is actually saying, you're just recategorising them all as 'nasty comment to ignore and have another square of choc'

1. include bonus things that you get automatically if something particular is said in addition to the points

by the end of it you will be mentally (or verbally or on a piece of paper) willing her to be really horrid just so you can get enough points for a particular treat. Treat her like a game and she will get easier to deal with as you will realise that she is treating you like a game, trying to get all her little digs and nasty things in. Don't take it personally, I bet you she isn't!

and good luck with the baby's arrival - hope it all goes well for you.

my family-in-law came to visit for 4 days 2 days after my first baby was born, despite being asked to wait until the baby was born before booking (so that i could see how i felt, get used to the baby etc). they were a nightmare - including BIL arriving, saying hello to the baby then announcing his wifes 2nd pregnancy and using our phone to phone all the other relations, while we sat there watching, welcome home baby cake sitting untouched and ignored (delighted of course about our little ones new cousin, but they could have let our baby have a few seconds as the star of her own party i thought). i makes me nearly cry thinking about it.

As others have said - its your time, nobody elses, do whats best for you - no regrets.

And good luck with the arrival of your little one x

I would just say you don't want any visitors on the ward but they can visit on XXX day. You won't want anyone that you find stressful near you when you have just given birth, you will just find it overwhelming.

For the future, something I find useful with "jellyfish" (great description by the way) is that every time they say something poisonous, say "I'm sure you didn't mean that how it sounded", "I'm sure you didn't mean that I am xxx, did you?" "I know you didn't mean to come across as mean/bitter/bitchy, but that was what it sounded like" I know it is a bit obvious, but I have found in the past that once challenged in a non-aggressive way, they tend to stop. Something for well after the birth when you are feeling happy though!

Keep her away at all costs, shes not your problem. What does your husband say about these nasty comments ?

If you only have a short stay it would be easier to wait til she goes. But if it's a longer stay I would be inclined to bite the bullet and let her come as well, because...

1. DH rebuilding relationship with his dad is a long and delicate process.

1. You probably won't have time after the birth to think about what she says. I had lots of visitors and didn't really take much notice of any of them

1. You have to see her some time. At least in hospital it is all very obviously about you and baby. If she makes a nasty comment to you in hospital she'll look to everyone like a complete arse. Once you're home it becomes more back to normal and less about mum and baby than about everyone.

1. At least in hospital there is a fixed visiting hour. At home she can stay as long as she likes