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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have grounded my 21yo son

84 replies

asdx2 · 30/05/2010 16:54

Ds was brought home unconscious by a couple of his friends just after midnight having consumed in the region of 80 units of alcohol.
I have spent the whole night awake watching him to make sure he didn't vomit and choke or die from alcohol poisoning
Anyway once he was up I read the riot act, made him clean his room, strip the bed and make himself look presentable.I also told him he wouldn't be going out before next weekend bank holiday or not.
He is suitably chastened and shamefaced and hasn't questioned the grounding (I am by my own admission a strict parent).
Bit of background he is generally a delight, hard working with a responsible job in local govt. He has got drunk before but not to that extent and never to cause any disruption at home.
I didn't think I was being unreasonable because I have spent the night scared he was going to die but mentioned it to my friend earlier who said I was BVU as he is an adult and she couldn't imagine her 13yr old agreeing to be grounded
So thought I'd throw myself open to the wisdom of MN although can't imagine I'll let him off the grounding tbh.

OP posts:
siblingrivalryisrelative · 30/05/2010 16:56

Hmmm tough one. He is still living under your roof but he is an adult. I think the talking to was probably enough TBH at that age

As for not grounding a 13 year old

Tryharder · 30/05/2010 16:56

Well, I think you are being a bit unreasonable but I suppose if he decided he wanted to go out, could you really stop him?

He is probably feeling so shit that he won't want to go anywhere anyway.

LilQueenie · 30/05/2010 16:57

You cant ground him but you can insist that whilst under your roof he has to obey certain rules. Perhaps be in at a certain time or not be drunk in your house.

mazzystartled · 30/05/2010 16:58

He's an adult, ergo, you cannot "ground" him

But you can, reasonably, ask him to respect the rules of your home, if he is living in it, and these might include not getting leathered and chucking up in it.

RunforFun · 30/05/2010 17:00

At least his friends were good enough to bring him home.

I guess your house, your rules, even though in the sounds of it grounding a 21 year old does seem a little odd.

13 year old have to be grounded if they behave badly.

mumbar · 30/05/2010 17:01

the fact he hasn't argued shows he's a decent bloke or still a bit drunk

It is a hard one I agree.

As for a 13 yr old 'not agreeing' to it

what mazzy said really sums it up nicely.

BritFish · 30/05/2010 17:01

grounding him at 21? ouch. id give him a good old lecture on the devils of all that delicious alcohol, make him clean the entire house top to bottom.
but you cant exactly ground him, he is an adult. i lost my power to ground my kids when they turned 18. they are now adults. dictating where and when they can or cannot would be like grounding my DH.
although at your friend and her 13 year old not 'agreeing' to being grounded.
um, it's a PUNISHMENT. and she's 13. she doesnt get to choose!

PrammyMammy · 30/05/2010 17:02

Is this for real? Did he actually spew? He is 21, you can't ground him.
Seriously, i'm 23, i think last time i was grounded was 10 years or so ago.

usualsuspect · 30/05/2010 17:04

You can't ground a 21 year old ..hes an adult

overmydeadbody · 30/05/2010 17:07

You can't ground an adult.

You have no right to.

So YABU.

dittany · 30/05/2010 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ant3nna · 30/05/2010 17:09

YABU, he's an adult. You can rules that he has to obey in your house but telling your adult son when he can and can't go out. My brother is the same age as your son and still lives at home. He's not allowed to be drunk-sick in it either which if fair enough but I'd be advising him to move out pronto if my mum tried to ground him.

And if you thought he had alcohol poisoning you should have taken him to hospital not try to manage it at home.

AgentZigzag · 30/05/2010 17:11

Blimey, I moved out of home when I was 16, so thinking about you grounding a 21 YO is a tad laughable.

I would be worrying about how you DS will cope when he eventually moves out if he's still accepting a bollocking from his mum at that age

Manda25 · 30/05/2010 17:11

i WROTE A POST ON HERE ABOUT MY 19 YR OLD SON WANTING TO MISS A DAY OFF COLLEGE (bugger caps) because of a cold sore ....i told him he had to go and he was being ridiculous. I asked on here was i BU because of his aged and got a resounding YES! ...basically i should think of him as a lodger and as an adult he can do what he likes and will have to face the consequences. Like you i am a self confessed strict parent and do feel a little 'while you are under my roof - you will stick to my rules'. However would i ground my adult son - No ... I dont think i ever grounded him as a child...never needed to.

BTW 80 units??? wow thats 40 pints ...is that even possible

Lauriefairycake · 30/05/2010 17:12

I would probably have taken a different approach.

I'd have told him that I wasn't available as a nurse overnight and if he came back like that again he would be turned away or he would have to bear the 'cost' of nursing at £20 per hour.

I'd then bill him for last night.

Thediaryofanobody · 30/05/2010 17:15

Your being ridiculous he's 21!

janeite · 30/05/2010 17:16

YABU. Grounding is a stupid punishment anyway but to ground an adult is v odd indeed. On the other hand, your friend is likely to have some problems with her 13 year old if that is her viewpoint.

SirBoobAlot · 30/05/2010 17:20

He's an adult. You can't ground him.

honie · 30/05/2010 17:20

Blimey, at 21 I was married with a mortgage and a baby! I'm really sorry but I think yabu to ground him.

gtamom · 30/05/2010 17:22

YABVU
Best to say you don't want to see him in that state under your roof. Reading him the riot act is reasonable.
13 year olds are definitely groundable, I would not ground after the age of 18, though I would expect the house rules to be expected.

mrsbean78 · 30/05/2010 17:22

Adult? He is living at home. YANBU.

StuckInTheMiddleWithYou · 30/05/2010 17:22

If you treat him like a stroppy teenager, he will probably continue to act like one.

Original poster
asdx2 · 30/05/2010 17:23

Oh I'm under no illusion I could stop him leaving if he wanted to go out. I was just scared and angry and so blurted out the first thing that came to my mind.
I suspect he feels dreadful so he hasn't questioned me and he is probably glad to turn down another night out tbh.
Eighty units are an estimation, but 6 pitchers of vodka/southern comfort and red bull, 10 shots, a third of a bottle of vodka are what he remembers. His mates seem to remember him drinking more than he does
When he is up and about I'll have a proper chat and explain I was scared and angry and admit that I was wrong about the grounding .
It will be fine, he's a lovely lad, just downright stupid occasionally
As for me I'm a control freak I think.

OP posts:
QSnondomicile · 30/05/2010 17:23

A man living at home with his parents is not an adult, and for sure this one does not behave like one.

YANBU.

If he wants to be treated like an adult, he should
a) move out
b) behave responsibly whilst under your roof

HellBent · 30/05/2010 17:25

80 units?! Are you sure? Is it a regular thing? I had my own place, DP and DS when I was that age, btw I left home because total wanker authoritarian dad wanted to ground me at 18 for going out and not telling him exactly where I was! You can tell him if it happens again that you want him to move out