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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to have grounded my 21yo son

84 replies

asdx2 · 30/05/2010 16:54

Ds was brought home unconscious by a couple of his friends just after midnight having consumed in the region of 80 units of alcohol.
I have spent the whole night awake watching him to make sure he didn't vomit and choke or die from alcohol poisoning
Anyway once he was up I read the riot act, made him clean his room, strip the bed and make himself look presentable.I also told him he wouldn't be going out before next weekend bank holiday or not.
He is suitably chastened and shamefaced and hasn't questioned the grounding (I am by my own admission a strict parent).
Bit of background he is generally a delight, hard working with a responsible job in local govt. He has got drunk before but not to that extent and never to cause any disruption at home.
I didn't think I was being unreasonable because I have spent the night scared he was going to die but mentioned it to my friend earlier who said I was BVU as he is an adult and she couldn't imagine her 13yr old agreeing to be grounded
So thought I'd throw myself open to the wisdom of MN although can't imagine I'll let him off the grounding tbh.

OP posts:
colditz · 30/05/2010 19:40

I'm VERY naughty about not reading the thread.

Gin4495 · 30/05/2010 19:41

YABU, he is an adult and can get himself that drunk if he wishes.

I assume he pays board? I'm 22, a mother with my own house, job and life, If my mother tried to ground me I'd find it highly amusing.

I understand it must be hard but he's a grown up, you need to distance yourself a little.

Gin4495 · 30/05/2010 19:42

Sorry didn't read the thread. Glad you have sorted it and talked like adults.

PosyPetrovaPauline · 30/05/2010 19:42

yaNbu
he lives with you

adult ? he should act like one

Goblinchild · 30/05/2010 19:43

You know what OP?
You and your son sound a lot more reasonable, balanced and grounded than a lot of the replies you're getting.
Does he feel like contributing to this thread?

TubbyDuffs · 30/05/2010 19:47

I would imagine his liver is screaming!

Glad things are sorted between you, was going to come out saying you can't ground a 21 year old, but he needs to respect you etc and then read the rest of the thread; looks like this will be a big learning curve for him!

Enjoy the meal (perhaps a big helping of humble pie for dessert).

BigTillyMint · 30/05/2010 19:51

How lucky he is to have such lovely friends!

He sounds pretty well-adjusted and realises that he over-did it.

Sounds like you have done a better job of parentling than your friend who thinks her 13year old wouldn't do what she said!

asdx2 · 30/05/2010 20:01

Goblinchild if I can manage two with pretty significant autism then one drunk NT 21yo should be a bit of a doddle by comparison
I'm lucky he is normally lovely just think he took leave of his senses yesterday. I will miss him dreadfully when he finally has the deposit for a place of his own later this summer and of course with a mortgage nights like last night will be a thing of the past

OP posts:
plonker · 30/05/2010 20:02

Well, I think you've behaved exceptionally reasonably!

Obviously you know that grounding him isn't really an option, but I would have most probably said the exact same thing as you have ...and quite possibly come to my senses a lot later

Goblinchild · 30/05/2010 20:06

"I will miss him dreadfully when he finally has the deposit for a place of his own later this summer"

I'll miss my two when and if they move out.
DD is off to university in September...sniff. I'm going to be brave.

Manda25 · 30/05/2010 20:21

You are not an adult unless you have moved out of your parents??? More and more 'adults' will be living at home for longer and longer.... because it is too expensive to move out

lazylula · 30/05/2010 20:57

I stayed at home until I married at 26, but I was still an adult, just one who couldn't afford to live on my own! I think the op has seen sense and obviously has a great relationship with her son. I abided by the house rules when I lived at home as that was what was expected and my sons will be welcome to live at home for as long as they want!

monkeyfacegrace · 30/05/2010 23:02

Mrs Bean I cant believe you called me a bitch. My post was direct and relevant. Its AIBU for god sake, expect straight talking.
Dont put words in my mouth. I never said he would be forced onto the streets. Im 23 myself, so know exactly how our age group work.
Funny how no-one else on this thread has been negative towards me.
Rollicking over.

Goblinchild · 30/05/2010 23:13

I was just thinking how very young you sounded in your post MFG, and unable to see asdx2's POV.
So I didn't reply to your post.

KarmaAngel · 30/05/2010 23:17

Jeez how can you ground a 21 year old? I was married when I was 21 and had left home 4 year earlier. There is no way I could ground my 17 year old DSD and she has been brought home completely drunk in a police van, off her head on god knows what by her mates, completely missed christmas becuase she was so drunk. (There is a history there though ).

What I can do is tell her what is and isn't acceptable under my roof, and if she doesn't like it she knows what she can do.

mrsbean78 · 31/05/2010 00:36

Monkeyfacegrace, I think you'll find I said don't be a bitch, as in, don't say mean things; in this context, things that are provocatively harsh for the sake of it.

The words I didn't put in your mouth were:
"Forgot to add, if you act like this, next time he may not come home. He may pass out somewhere random and be in danger as he is worried about the consequences of coming home."

Huge emotional load there, considering that the other words I didn't put in your mouth were:

"This is ridiculous. He is 21, and has every right to get drunk."

So, she was being ridiculous to react to him being drunk, but shouldn't share her concern because if she act[s] like this, next time he may not come home.

Yes, telling your kid off for his 'right' to get drunk and roll in to your shared home in an utter state is completely U, an infringement of his adulthood. Yet, said adulthood is unlikely to prevent him becoming so afraid to come home that he would be likely to face mortal peril?

I can't abide it when people prey on motherly fears about their children lying in a ditch somewhere to make a point. In this case, as I posted, I also feel it rather contradicted your initial position.

pastapestofor6 · 31/05/2010 00:55

I think you need to change the definition of the 'punishment', you cannot ground a 21 year old, the notion is ridiculous, but you can explain to said 21 year old that a period of reflection of his actions is required to ensure his place in your household, you need to stress that the behaviour exhibited is not acceptable to you and explain why, he is an adult and you need to treat him as one, hard I know, but for the greater good of your relationship I'm afraid necessary, I had 2 children at 21! just saying that to put things in perspective

biddysmama · 31/05/2010 09:17

lol at 21 i had a 2 year old

yabu for grounding him, hes an adult!

maltesers · 31/05/2010 09:29

He is 21 and an adult.!!!!! Grounding him ??????????? Sounds like Pike from Dads army. . . sorry not trying to be rude but he is too old to Ground. Mine are 22 and 19 and 9 yrs ( I could ground the youngest but not the older two) They would just probably laugh at me if i told them they were grounded telling me "I am not a child !" They would also ignore it and just push off out. I think you are a tag controlling to treat a son of 21 like that.

Goblinchild · 31/05/2010 09:32

Read the thread, it's been sorted.
She knows SWBU, and he knows HWBU as well!

Elasticwoman · 31/05/2010 09:39

Your ds has given you a terrible fright and I am not surprised you have reacted in the way that you have. Yes he is an adult and so you can't force him to stay in but from your OP (and I haven't read the whole thread) it sounds like he agrees with you about the grounding.

Also he is living in your house so your ultimate sanction is to throw him out and he knows that.

Private Pike, by the way, was 17 even though the actor looked older.

Maybe you might consider having a calm conversation with ds about alcohol, its risks and how to drink sensibly eg have water or a soft drink between each alcoholic drink; don't mix the grain with the grape and don't drink on any empty stomach. That it is possible to have a good time on v little or even no alcohol and what the long term social, financial and medical effects of alcohol abuse are. The self discipline has to come from him in the end. Reasoned argument and good example are probably going to work better against the temptation of peer pressure than laying down the law in the long run.

maltesers · 31/05/2010 09:47

Yes we know Pike was 17 but its the senario i was relating to . Grown up son being treated like a child.
I think the OPs son must live and learn . . and how will that happen if he is kept in like a little kid.

asdx2 · 31/05/2010 10:04

We talked, he wasn't grounded, I said it out of fright. He stayed in last night through choice because he felt awful.
He's been out already for groceries because he is cooking lunch to make up for being a pest (his choice) He brought me chocs and magazines because he felt he owed me an apology.
I made him something light to eat last night because I recognise I was a bit hasty.
We have a good and adult relationship, we both know when we are wrong and we say sorry.
All is resolved and life goes on

OP posts:
ant3nna · 31/05/2010 11:30

Nice to know everything has been sorted and well done for taking a bit of a bashing and accepting that you might have been wrong.

sanielle · 31/05/2010 12:06

YABU and a bit creepy.

Telling him that in your home you don't want lodgers coming home so pissed they can't stand however would have been fine, as well as threating him with eviction.

Just seems really controlling to me to try and "ground" an adult